A few questions for anyone who is bisexual, or whatever term you prefer.

[happyninja42]

So, I'm working on a writing project, and one of the characters is going to be bisexual. But I do have a few questions for anyone that could provide insight regarding it.

If you don't want to "out" yourself, but would like to answer, feel free to message me from this site with your answers. I'm not trying to start some open debate thread, that will invariably devolve into a festering cesspit of flame warring, I just want a few questions answered. In fact, I would prefer the private message method of response if possible, but if you want to post the reply here, feel free.

Ok, that disclaimer shit out of the way, the actual questions.
Were you always sexually attracted to both genders? If not, and the realization about finding the other (whichever one that was) gender came later, how was it different from before? Did you ever find yourself being mono-sexual (specifically attracted to 1 gender is what I mean in this context), and yet you found perhaps 1 person of the other gender to be sexually attractive, to your surprise?

And this can be for any sexual orientation. A lesbian that suddenly finds one guy she finds totally fuckable, or a gay guy that finds one woman super hot, or a straight person, etc. I don't really care about how the orientation starts, mostly about how, if attraction for someone of the previously unconsidered gender pops up, how it was for you. If there was always an underlying attraction, and maybe you just never realized it for what it was, or if it was simply out of the blue, and maybe was only focused on one person.

I'm specifically trying to write a character, that at least to the reader, isn't openly bi, and would preferably have it be a surprise to the character as well. And I'm not talking about examples of "lying to yourself" or whatever about who you are attracted to, I mean genuine attraction for both genders, but where one aspect of that bisexual nature wasn't readily apparent to you.

Thanks to anyone who can comment.

 

[Just Ebola]

In my case, I lived most of my adolescent life thinking I was 100% straight. I guess that changed when a male friend started making advances on me in middle school and I didn't exactly hate it. I never pursued it and lived in denial for a good few years before I finally decided "fuck it, can't change it, might as well make my peace".

But generally my attraction is on a very individual basis. I find a lot more women attractive than men, but I can't deny that the attraction exists for certain same-sexed people. I don't know how to articulate it very well, like if I had to put it into mathematical terms I'd say I'm like 65% straight. I've been told sexuality is a scale, so I guess that's where I hover on it.

I doubt my clumsily worded explanation is very helpful, but I hope that sheds a bit of light.

 

[Terminal Blue]

Were you always sexually attracted to both genders?

No, or rather not in any way which I was meaningfully aware of. I actually did some same sex experimentation throughout my teens and wasn't really into it. In my late teens I suddenly realised I was in love with my best friend however, and things changed very radically. Still, it took a few years for me to really come to terms with my sexuality. Initially I assumed it was a one off and even today most guys just do nothing for me.

Can be for any sexual orientation.

I'm not exclusively gay, but I did have a relationship with an otherwise exclusively gay woman and.. sort of, yes. Generally though, when that happens it's more an emotional than a physical thing. If someone's gone through the baggage of discovering that they are gay and then coming out, they've generally already realised that they aren't physically into the opposite sex. You can still feel intense love and affection for someone you aren't physically attracted to though.

This is one area where you have to be very careful writing fiction, especially if you're writing about gay women being involved with men, because it can easily feed in to a lot of misogynistic and lesbophobic garbage about "correction". Like, that's not going to happen. Cock is just not that great for women, sorry.

If attraction for someone of the previously unconsidered gender pops up, how it was for you

Confusing.

Like, what happened was my friend got a girlfriend and I started to catch myself behaving in ways which seemed incredibly jealous and possessive. Initially I just assumed it was just anxiety that we wouldn't be able to hang out as much and stuff, but after quite some time it became more clear to me that what I wanted kind of went beyond friendship. At that point, I started thinking about sexual things and found I wasn't actually as completely grossed out by the idea as I had in the past.

It did take me a long time to get past that stage of just being bicurious or "heteroflexible" (worst term) though, I felt like I had to build up a whole new interior fantasy life. Early on, I often had to square those fantasies with myself by imagining myself as a woman, because I literally couldn't picture me as myself doing things. It was a slow process, I didn't wake up one day and suddenly feel like I wanted literally all the dicks.

 

[JoJo]

I've been attracted to both genders for as long as I can remember, before I even knew what attraction was. I never considered my own gender as a romantic option though, rather than a purely sexual thing, until I met someone in my early twenties. At this point in this time I'd say I'm equally interested in both.

 

[Saelune]

If you want to write a bisexual character that is not "obviously bisexual" then just...write a character, then make them attracted to both? I prefer dating bisexual/pansexuals because it makes the issue of my gender identity...less of an issue, but many of the people who have been interested in me, who were bi, werent "obvious" about it until they hit on someone, or they told someone.

I mean, the most subtle way would I guess be having them in a straight relationship, that doesnt end due to them realizing they arent sexually into their partner (probably better to have them be dumped I guess) then have them be attracted to someone of the same sex.

Just consider what they like in a partner beyond just genitals.

 

[Silvanus]

Were you always sexually attracted to both genders?

I was not always aware I was attracted to guys. I felt attraction, but was confused by that feeling, and failed to recognise it as sexual attraction until later. That's what growing up among kids who use "gay" as an insult will do to you.

If not, and the realization about finding the other (whichever one that was) gender came later, how was it different from before?

Well, with opposite-sex attraction, there was never any "realisation" to go through. It felt like the default, and was always there. Same-sex attraction had a "realisation" phase.

I had my first same-sex crush (on a close friend) at around the same time. I don't believe that it was this crush that drove me to the realisation, though-- I think the realisation came about because I was in a pretty self-reflective place anyway, as a result of unrelated emotional issues.

 

[happyninja42]

If you want to write a bisexual character that is not "obviously bisexual" then just...write a character, then make them attracted to both? I prefer dating bisexual/pansexuals because it makes the issue of my gender identity...less of an issue, but many of the people who have been interested in me, who were bi, werent "obvious" about it until they hit on someone, or they told someone.

I mean, the most subtle way would I guess be having them in a straight relationship, that doesnt end due to them realizing they arent sexually into their partner (probably better to have them be dumped I guess) then have them be attracted to someone of the same sex.

Just consider what they like in a partner beyond just genitals.

Thanks for replying, but I wasn't asking for writing tips in that way. I do plan on writing them as "just a character" but eventually in the story, their bisexuality will become known, and I will have to write about it. Since it's going to play out in the "I wasn't really aware I did swing that way" kind of angle, I thought I'd ask people who had a similar situation, and how it was for them emotionally/sexually, to learn of this new aspect of their sexuality.

Now do you have a story along the lines of the thread's topic?

 

[Saelune]

If you want to write a bisexual character that is not "obviously bisexual" then just...write a character, then make them attracted to both? I prefer dating bisexual/pansexuals because it makes the issue of my gender identity...less of an issue, but many of the people who have been interested in me, who were bi, werent "obvious" about it until they hit on someone, or they told someone.

I mean, the most subtle way would I guess be having them in a straight relationship, that doesnt end due to them realizing they arent sexually into their partner (probably better to have them be dumped I guess) then have them be attracted to someone of the same sex.

Just consider what they like in a partner beyond just genitals.

Thanks for replying, but I wasn't asking for writing tips in that way. I do plan on writing them as "just a character" but eventually in the story, their bisexuality will become known, and I will have to write about it. Since it's going to play out in the "I wasn't really aware I did swing that way" kind of angle, I thought I'd ask people who had a similar situation, and how it was for them emotionally/sexually, to learn of this new aspect of their sexuality.

Now do you have a story along the lines of the thread's topic?

Honestly, I dont think my own personal experiences on this will be of much use, and I dont identify as bisexual anyways.

 

[username sucks]

Hmm, well, I've been confused on my orientation quite a while. I have always been attracted to men (I'm a dude), that much I know. But attraction to women has come and gone, I used to lie to myself and say I was bi, then I realized I was gay, was comfortable with that for the longest time, and as of the last few months I've been finding myself genuinely attracted to women. Though I still prefer men.

Eh, honestly, attraction can be very different from person to person. Your character doesnt have to follow any specific way of discovering thier own bisexuality.

 

[manic_depressive13]

I didn't realise I was attracted to the same sex until probably my early twenties. I was kind of possessive/jealous when it came to my best friend in high school, but I didn't connect it to romantic attraction for ages, like after we fell out of contact. Other times I would be attracted to women I would confuse it for admiration or "girl crush" or whatever. It was a pretty long time before I was like, oh, I don't want to be her, I want to schtoop her.

 

[Kotaro]

Until I was 21 or so, I thought I was straight. I was always attracted to guys too, but I just had no idea that that's what it was. To an extent, I thought it was envy. I only realized later that it had actually been sexual attraction the whole time.
It's connected to the hardest thing to explain about being bisexual: while I'm attracted to both men and women, being attracted to a woman feels different than being attracted to a man. It's not something that can be put into words.
These days, I find myself falling around a 4 on the Kinsey Scale.

 

[happyninja42]

Hmm, well, I've been confused on my orientation quite a while. I have always been attracted to men (I'm a dude), that much I know. But attraction to women has come and gone, I used to lie to myself and say I was bi, then I realized I was gay, was comfortable with that for the longest time, and as of the last few months I've been finding myself genuinely attracted to women. Though I still prefer men.

Eh, honestly, attraction can be very different from person to person. Your character doesnt have to follow any specific way of discovering thier own bisexuality.

I know there isn't any "one" way that this plays out. I'm trying to get a cross section of how it did play out for people. One, whether or not the finding out later was even a thing, or if it was always a "I've liked both sides the whole time" kind of thing. Apparently it is at least heard of for there to be a later in life change in orientation, or at least revelation to include the other gender, which is pretty much what I wanted to know.

It's connected to the hardest thing to explain about being bisexual: while I'm attracted to both men and women, being attracted to a woman feels different than being attracted to a man. It's not something that can be put into words.
These days, I find myself falling around a 4 on the Kinsey Scale.

That's fine, that's kind of what I was aiming for with the character anyway. That it's a genuine attraction, but different and confusing for them.

As for the Kinsey Scale, not sure where I would fall on that. Was masturbating since 6 years old, and it was always about women. But when puberty hit, I dabbled with my best friend with heavy petting through clothes, but it was pretty clear I wasn't into it. Me and him started up a 3some with a girl, but I ended it early on due to it not feeling like something I wanted to do. Other than that it's been pure hetero for me. No inclination at all. Though honestly, I don't really care about any scale, just how it was for people who did, at a later point in their sexual life, realize they were attracted to the other gender that they were previously unattracted to.