A few questions from one who is preparing to step out of the closet for good.

[GeneralFungi]

I'm going to be upfront. I'm gay, or in the very least I have a very strong suspicion that I am. I'm also 17 and in Grade 11. For the longest time I've found myself having some homo-erotic tendencies, but I was younger when I began to realize this and I've decided to bide my time before I assumed anything. However, it's been several years now and it's been a pretty consistent thing. My parents often try to pressure me to try and pursue a girlfriend, and I realized that I really don't have that much physical attraction to the opposite sex. My 18th birthday is in June, and I realized that the sooner that I get it out there, the less stress that will be put on me. I've made it a personal goal to let the truth out before I turn 18, or at least very shortly after.

I understand the usual concerns with coming out. Often people are concerned that they may be disowned by their parents, but I feel pretty safe in knowing that my mother is pretty accepting of homosexuality (my parents are divorced so I don't live with my dad.) She has known lesbians and gay folk growing up, and she was the first person I asked when I found out about homosexuality, and she did her best to inform her kids that it was an okay thing. I also have a very supportive aunt and uncle, and while I've told no one that I know in person about my sexuality, I feel confident that if things go down badly I can fall back on them. I think I'm fortunate as far as family support goes. That isn't my biggest concern, though if anyone has any suggestions for how to break it to parents I would appreciate it. I'm still finding it hard to bring it up and I know my parents are not homophobic.

What I'm afraid of is the way that my close friends will behave when they find out. If any of my friends abandon me because of it, it would be unfortunate but for the best in the long run. What I'm concerned with is how the friends that stick around will try to adjust to learning about my sexuality. Will they feel uncomfortable, would they be too afraid to offend me in casual conversation? That sort of thing. In our social circle our humor can be raunchy, sometimes joking about homosexuality, but I've never been offended simply because they've never been at the expense of homosexuals. It's funny in the same way any sex joke may be funny. I don't know if I'm explaining myself adequately..

I just don't want my friends to feel like they have to adjust to me, as I would have been the exact same person before and after coming out.

To put my plight into a little more context, I come from small community. I live in Athlantic Canada, PEI. In this community, word of mouth spreads quickly. Everyone knows everybody. I've lived there for a while, and while the community isn't homophobic on the whole, as far as I am aware I might be the only gay person living there. They simply don't have much experience in the subject. The high school I'm attending is a rather peaceful one. Fights rarely break out on property as it is not tolerated in the least. The only thing is, I'm afraid that the moment I reveal the truth to the school I will be labeled. That will be my defining trait in some people's eyes. The only other student to ever come out as being gay while attending that school left 3 years ago, and he is remembered because he is the only openly gay student to leave the school.

Sorry if I got a bit wordy and ranted on a little too much, but it's something that nibbles at the back of my mind constantly. Once I began, I couldn't hold back the details. My province has a very low percentage of hate crime, especially in such a small community, so I don't feel like I'm in too much danger of getting a knife to the gut because of who I am. But I do want to reduce the social drama as much as I possibly can.

Any suggestions from the escapists? You might get this kind of thing often, but I decided I would give it a shot anyways. I appreciate it.

 

[Pyromaniacal]

Hi, I'm no expert in this kind of thing, but I'll try to give you good advice. You want the least amount of social drama surrounding your homosexuality, then only tell your parents/family. I say this for a few reasons. First off, your family/parents will probably be the best people to be quiet about it. Telling your friends now may make them feel uncomfortable, so wait until college when you have new friends, so you can have a fresh start with them. Once your old enough and ready you can then tell your high school friends, telling them when they're older is better because they're more mature and they'll probably feel less awkward about the whole thing. That's just my two cents. Sexuality may be complicated, but whether you're gay or not, you're still the same exact person.

 

[AWAR]

I agree with the above 100%. Wait 'till you finish high school, tell only your immediate family for now.

 

[Frezzato]

I was good friends with this guy who had another guy over at his house. This was during high school. It was clear that the other guy was gay, so I thought (in my head, never stating out loud), "Oh cool, [my friend] is friends with this guy who's clearly gay. He's more progressive than I thought." See, I was surprised because my friend is ultra conservative, even from a young age. I didn't think he had any tolerance in him.

Turns out my friend was completely oblivious. EVERYONE was oblivious. Hell, I know people whose families still can't tell that TV show host Christopher Lowell is gay. CHRISTOPHER LOWELL! [http://www.trendwatching.com/newsletters/apr04/christopherLowell.jpg]


That being said, my friend isn't a jerk. The circle of friends finally found out about the guy well over a decade later and were all cool about it, but this was a group of extremely smart people. Not everyone would be as welcoming I imagine.

Point is, there's a chance that some of your friends might see it as a betrayal of sorts. You have to be careful. If that means you have to wait a few years, do you think you could wait? This is exactly why people end up moving to San Francisco or Manhattan, and now that I think about it, Boston. You need to feel safe enough where you can walk down the street, confidently being yourself. Damn, I just realized you live on an island. There's symbolism in there somewhere.

 

[Angie7F]

I am not gay so I am not totally sure, but I heard that most people suggest that you wait until you are able to support yourself.
You should have the freedom to choose your friends and high school doesnt seem to be the most suitable place to do this.

 

[Legion]

Any suggestions from the escapists? You might get this kind of thing often, but I decided I would give it a shot anyways. I appreciate it.

If your mother has said those things to you, I think you will be fine telling her, she sounds open minded and I am sure she'd feel a lot happier knowing the truth. If she was the kind of person who seemed homophobic I'd suggest maybe waiting until you left home or went to college/university (not that I'd take that advice myself, but I am not as caring of other people as you seem to be).

Do you have any friends who are really close? That is, ones who you feel you could trust with anything? If you do it may be a good idea to trust in your mother and those friend(s). Once you have established that, you will probably have some weight off of your shoulders.

If all goes well, then perhaps at that point you might feel comfortable letting a larger amount of people know. Or maybe you could let somebody who knows subtly mention it. I'd personally think it's much easier to admit to being gay when somebody asks rather than bringing it up out of nowhere.

A friend of mine who came out as gay originally said he was bisexual. This was on the advice of a bisexual female friend of his. The reason was to "test the water" so to speak. If people are comfortable with him being bisexual, they are more likely to accept him being gay. Although personally it didn't bother any of us, none of us had any homophobic tendencies (not that I was aware of anyway) and to be honest our lives carried on as normal.

One other thing you may find helpful is to find a social site for homosexual people. Not a dating one, just a general discussion board. Then you can find the advice of many other people who were in a similar situation once.

Best of luck.

 

[Mersadeon]

Well, I can only give advice in that one of my best friends has come out, and since that turned out pretty well, maybe it works for you too!
Just gather them in a group, have a nice evening like always, and tell them at the end. If someone can't except it, you will at least not sit there for hours while everyone tries to ignore you just came out.
Tell them that nothing will change. Normally that isn't necessary, but especially people without any experience with homosexuality might need that reassurance. Tell them that you are still the same person. (And tell them you are not interested in them sexually. Yes, some people need to hear that so that they don't freak out about it.) But if they truly are your friends, it's work even without all that. Just be open. Let them ask questions. Be honest. And for god's sake, don't lose that sense of humour! If you all can still joke about each other joyfully, you will feel accepted.