A question for homosexuals.

[DarthInfernus]

I've been wondering this for some time now. I'm a straight guy with a gay friend. He's in every sense of the word straight, except for the fact that he happens to have sex with other men. As in he talks like an everyday guy, games like an everyday guy, etc, etc. So I see him, and then I see what one would call a "flamer" or whatever, those extremely effeminate gay men that you know they're gay a mile away, and I think, is that all an act?

My point being, you have guys like my friend, whom you'd never know was gay unless he spoke of it, then you have them. Is that an act? Do some gay men simply feel the need to act that way because they are gay or is it natural? This question came to me because another friend of mine has a family member that recently came out, and he acted like an everyday teenager until he came out, then started acting like the effeminate type. Which makes me wonder if it's just a ploy for attention or whether they bottle such actions up due to fear of judgement?

Not trying to be offensive to anyone, I obviously have no problem with gays by virtue of the fact that I befriend them. I'm just trying to figure out this oddity.

 

[Loftworthy]

I'm bisexual and I'm a lot like your friend. While there are a few effeminate things I catch myself doing occaisionally, I'm just as much in the dark as you are about this sort of thing.

I think it's just how some gay guys see themselves in society that makes them react to it a very visibly effeminate fashion, but that's just speculation.

 

[MisterShine]

Which makes me wonder if it's just a ploy for attention or whether they bottle such actions up due to fear of judgement?

Not trying to be offensive to anyone, I obviously have no problem with gays by virtue of the fact that I befriend them. I'm just trying to figure out this oddity.

Your misunderstanding comes from the fact that you believe that all gay men must have one personality trait because they are gay. Either they all act "flamboyant", and some merely hide it, or none of them are "flamboyant", and some act that way because they want attention.

Neither of those are correct. Some gay men feel flamboyant is natural for them, some do not. Just as there are some straight men who act, and I use this loosely, "gay", and yet like to have sex with women. Expand your view on things a bit, gay people run the full gamut on behavior, just like everyone else

 

[BlindMessiah94]

My gay friend once said something to me on this subject that I thought kind of applies.

We were walking down the street and we saw someone dressed in full leather, dog collars, chains, etc, basically looking like he was on his was way to be a submissive in a dominatrix porno.

But he was just walking down the street flaunting it like it was a normal thing.

I just wondered why at first glance, and my friend said that people advertise what they are looking for.

I thought it made sense.
I wear my Tool sweatshirts or Comic book nerdy clothes out all the time, because it sparks conversations with like minded people, and let's people know my basic personality and interests at first glance.

I guess what I learned is most people judge a book by it's cover, so by being a "flamer" (sorry mean no offense), it pretty much let's people know with a big neon sign that you are gay.

I'm not saying this is the case for everyone but I thought it makes sense.

I don't think it's an act, however.

 

[Noone From Nowhere]

It isn't necessarily an act though some guys just like to be outrageous. You can ask the same question about why there are girly girls, tomboys and outright butch women though all(or rather most)have the same two X chromosomes. It's probably part nature,part nurture like most other things.
Maybe the guys in these forums might give you a wider variety of useful responses?
http://www.afterelton.com/#

 

[zauxz]

Well where I live gays are very heavilly discriminated against, so they try to remain hidden.

Seriousilly, you wouldn't believe how openly gays are bashed here. There was even this case when a politician called homosexuality "immoral and disgusting" on the news, and most people eather agreed or didin't care. Makes me sick.

 

[NoNameMcgee]

The reason there are a lot of girly gay guys is because having more feminine personality traits than the 'accepted' standard for guys often comes hand-in-hand with being gay. Hear me out... The stereotype of the flaming camp homosexual is bullshit (not that there is anything wrong with the small percentage who actually fit into the stereotype) but it is based on some truth. Almost every gay man I have known has been noticeably more feminine than most straight guys I meet, I don't recognize it straight away but after a while of knowing them it became obvious that they had a considerable amount of mannerisms and interests that are more commonly associated with women. I have known a lot of gay people, have been involved in the community, and have been to gay bars and events with my gay friends; so my opinion is based on my personal experience. Perhaps gay men use the female areas of their brain more which both explains being gay and also why a lot are somewhat feminine (but that's just a guess) It works both ways too, I have met heaps more lesbians who are somewhat boyish than ones who are not.

Of course there are plenty of gay men who you would never know they were gay even after a while of knowing them before they casually mention "oh I was dating this guy..." But personally (and my gay friends agree with me) I have met many more gay men who show signs of femininity first to the point where I can sort of 'guess' they are gay before they actually mention it.

Hey, if you want an example right now, go on the GayGamer forum. Browse a bit. Even on a site about gaming (Gaming is still very much aimed at guys and the majority of games are masculine oriented) there are hints of femininity everywhere and sometimes blatant displays of it (and I'm not talking about the guys flirting with each other, I just mean in the topics discussed and the way people interact)

Personally it's something I've recognized from the start in all gay communities I've been involved in or observed and it's something I really love about gay people. I wish people would stop dodging it though and I wish straight guys would stop seeing it as a 'flaw' as well.

Whichever way you view this though, very few people actually 'pretend' to be a certain way. There is no point. Especially the gay community are very serious about being themselves, and the majority of the time what you see is what you get, apart from the occasional kid who just wants to show off and wants attention because he thinks he's so special and entitled because hes different.

 

[DarthInfernus]

Which makes me wonder if it's just a ploy for attention or whether they bottle such actions up due to fear of judgement?

Not trying to be offensive to anyone, I obviously have no problem with gays by virtue of the fact that I befriend them. I'm just trying to figure out this oddity.

Your misunderstanding comes from the fact that you believe that all gay men must have one personality trait because they are gay. Either they all act "flamboyant", and some merely hide it, or none of them are "flamboyant", and some act that way because they want attention.

Neither of those are correct. Some gay men feel flamboyant is natural for them, some do not. Just as there are some straight men who act, and I use this loosely, "gay", and yet like to have sex with women. Expand your view on things a bit, gay people run the full gamut on behavior, just like everyone else

I was willing to accept that explanation happily, until the situation with my friend's family member in my original post made me question the idea. Why did he start acting as such? Why didn't he act as such before coming out? How can the change flip that instantly? That's what I'm trying to figure out.

 

[Criquefreak]

I've been wondering this for some time now. I'm a straight guy with a gay friend. He's in every sense of the word straight, except for the fact that he happens to have sex with other men. As in he talks like an everyday guy, games like an everyday guy, etc, etc. So I see him, and then I see what one would call a "flamer" or whatever, those extremely effeminate gay men that you know they're gay a mile away, and I think, is that all an act?

My point being, you have guys like my friend, whom you'd never know was gay unless he spoke of it, then you have them. Is that an act? Do some gay men simply feel the need to act that way because they are gay or is it natural? This question came to me because another friend of mine has a family member that recently came out, and he acted like an everyday teenager until he came out, then started acting like the effeminate type. Which makes me wonder if it's just a ploy for attention or whether they bottle such actions up due to fear of judgement?

Not trying to be offensive to anyone, I obviously have no problem with gays by virtue of the fact that I befriend them. I'm just trying to figure out this oddity.

From what I've seen, the answer to all of your questions is yes-ish.

Closeted individuals tend to be hyper-attentive of any qualities they feel would be rejected and will go about overcompensating. Recently 'outed' individuals have a similar tendency to overdo behaviors in a fashion similar to a teenager's formative identity years. People in general will continue behaviors that get them attention, especially attention that reinforces their self-image with others.

Overall, it kind of reinforces the idea of Occam's razor: 'eliminate unnecessary information'; in this case being the status of homosexuality. If they behave like a normal, rational person, there's most likely no need for concern.

 

[Soxafloppin]

This reminds me of that time when i made a thread about gays.

I asked why it was popular for gays to speak with "that voice" you know what voice i mean.

Most people pretended they didnt know what voice i was talking about!

Damn political correctness.

 

[riskroWe]

I don't think gender identity and sexuality are the same thing. People exist with different combinations of both. A man who acts feminine isn't necessarily gay, and a man who acts masculine isn't necessarily straight. But these are the stereotypes we grow up with.

 

[JemJar]

In various discussions with my best friend (a lesbian) we've ended up classifying all the homosexuals we know as either gay people or gay people.

The former wear it on their collar like a badge of honour and make clear and strong attempts to set themselves apart. Ironically these are usually those most heavily entrenched in the LGBT community and don't do very much socialising beyond it, and yet also campaign heavily for the rights of LGBT people to integrate. I will admit that my friend and I tend to be critical of the hypocrisy this implies - and hence our choice of stress implying that these people are gay above all else, that it consumes the other aspects of their identity. I've been to far too many parties where I've been the token straight person.

The latter, like the OPs friend and my own, tend to sit on the fringes of the community and maintain healthy friendships with both straight and gay people. The fact of their homosexuality a part of their identity, but no more so than being a supporter of a certain sports team or a love of certain bands.

 

[Booze Zombie]

There are straight guys who are camp, you know?

It's just how some people are.

 

[crimson5pheonix]

Well trying to categorize them all is rather silly, but I believe some particularly flamboyant gays act that way for the same reason Texans will speak in a heavy Texas accent if questioned about it, it's fun to watch people's reactions to over the top stereotypes.

 

[Craftybonds]

some of the excessive flamboyance is a cry for attention. I'm bi-sexual, and i act like like any normal person would, but i have plenty of gay friends who act exactly as you describe, but only out in public. they retain the effeminate tone at all times, but various expressions etc are clearly for show, most of them admit so.

 

[Dogmeat T Dingo]

I don't think gender identity and sexuality are the same thing. People exist with different combinations of both. A man who acts feminine isn't necessarily gay, and a man who acts masculine isn't necessarily straight. But these are the stereotypes we grow up with.

Pretty much this. The way people act and their sexuality are different issues. We don't all act flamboyant, I mean I don't think I do. But I have a friend who does and it's pretty much just the way he is. I'm sure some people are just putting on a performance but it's not an act for a lot of people, but not all gays are like that.

 

[Pegghead]

I know a few homosexuals and like you said they're perfectly normal (And often very kind). To my mind this whole proud and I don't care which of these breeders know about it attitude is just an attention-seeking ploy.

 

[Erana]

I'm about as far as you can get from being a gay man, but I have to agree that femeninity is just some things people do. With some people, the flamboyant feminine look is, to be honest, kinda disconcerting. But look at the spectrum of any social group or subculture and you'll find everywhere from creepers to jerks to genuinely enjoyable people. (which in the case of gamers can be easily accomplished by joining an online match of any modern video game)
I knew this one guy who was an instructor at the local YMCA- no one ever talked about his sexuality, but everyone was pretty suspect of it. Somehow, though, it just seemed perfectly natural for him to be teaching a salsersize class. He was a very nice man, and pleasant to be around. Maybe you've only seen the socially awkward flamboyant guys.

im not gay, but i know thats clearly an act for attention. daddy issues.

There's nothing wrong with your having a different opinion. However, there are two things you should note if you want to be around long enough to hit a gonzo:
1. State your opinions politely- never be matter-of-fact about it.
2. Support your post. Whether it be an article you read, personal experience, or even just a gut feeling. Let others know where you're coming from.

 

[yoyo13rom]

I don't have much experience on this topic(I've only saw several "flamers" in my life and met an average teenage normal, gay boy), but I think the girly gays, have a natural(genetic) inclination to be girly; that's all.

Edit: I mean, not even with great acting talents, I don't think one could fake that squeaky "flamer" voice.