Yahtzee (and my esteemed colleagues), bear with me here.
I am a normal guy with a good job, a pretty girlfriend, and all the other BS accoutrements that go with such things. I do not write to internet personalities; I generally do not post on internet forums. However, today I violate these rules. Today, I write to request your assistance in correcting the wrong that is Resistance 2.
I own a 360, PS3, and a Gaming rig PC. Like a battered wife, I am quite fond of the PS3 because of the way it gleefully raped my wallet when I purchased it. Therefore, it takes an extra effort by PS3 game developers to severely tick me off. Well, Resistance 2 has managed to do just that. Like most people, I have limited time for games, so I like to concentrate on those that have gotten high marks. I feel betrayed and tricked when that time ends up spent on a bad game... How Resistance 2 has achieved a metareview percentage of 87.3% fucking baffles me, and smells acutely of conspiracy.
I am going to bore you with only a small sampling of my own frustration, because within the first 20 minutes of playing the video game equivalent of jabbing yourself with a fork, you will have more than enough of your own material. Like people have called ?The Curious Case of Benjamin Button? Forrest Gump with a side of Ambien, Resistance 2 is a crippled Gears of War with a masochism fetish. They have the exact same storyline: alien creatures from inside the Earth that want to remove mankind; They both have gruff, outcasts for lead characters with over compensatory names (Nathan Hale, Marcus Phoenix); Resistance even has the fad-tastic regenerating health gimmick- But like a Chinese iPhone clone, it doesn?t matter how much it looks like Gears of War if the gameplay is a damn Motorola StarTac OS.
In an effort to make the game more ?challenging,? the developers decided to give your player the physical constitution of parchment paper. Three hits and you are down. With the whole regenerating health scheme, however, it really shouldn?t be that big a problem. So when you hear your squad mates yell out ?get to cover!? You think, No problem! I?ll just get behind this here crate and engage the cover mechanic. Wait, there is no cover mechanic? So you?re telling me that I have to crouch awkwardly behind this crate as the swarm of aliens (who are always solely concentrating fire on you) manage to nail the top two inches of your exposed head. Oh, that?s just lovely! And because there is no cover mechanic, there is no way to pop out over or around cover and smoothly take out hostiles.
I can already here the fan boys, ?But Halo doesn?t have a cover mechanic!? Well, this is not Halo my friends. Not by a long shot. Instead, you get to clumsily hit the crouch button and wait the two seconds that it takes for your guy to stand up, only to be greeted by a hail of bullets that instantly decapitate you. Try to crouch walk around the corner of cover to sneak a shot, the exact same thing happens. Now that is just mean... and way too frustrating for a normal difficulty level. Thanks for sapping all the fun out, Insomniac! The larger gunfights then become a case of learning where the enemies are going to spawn and making sure to lob grenades there as they begin to do so. And nothing can save you from the waves of the exploding pod aliens. Just cross your fingers. And don't get me started on how the game fails to tell you where you need to go... The only reason I was even able to finish the game without implanting the Dualshock controller into the front of my plasma TV, was the fact that my new Japanese Blowjob machine just came in the mail to relieve my tension, and that the game saves your progress every 15 feet... Except for when it really should save. And the story... It?s like how LOST leaves out details to create intrigue, but they also left out all the other shit as well. By the end of the game, you feel lucky to have even gotten some of the characters? first names. It?s like the developers just couldn?t be bothered. The weapons are lame too. 'Nough said.
Just two caveats; One: FPSs on a console just don?t make any goddamn sense to me. Why would anyone want to use an analog nub to attempt precision aiming with? We all know it is an exercise in futility, just ask my girlfriend! (that's a sex joke) Also, because the analog controller is so inadequate for such gameplay, you have to make the death or death decision between adjusting your analog sensitivity for either smooth aiming or the ability to actually be able to turn around in less than 10 minutes and shoot the bugger sneaking up behind you. A happy medium is just not possible. Too much in one direction, your character is flailing around like an even less graceful version of the Star Wars Kid. Too much in the other, and by the time your character actually executes a 180 degree turn, the enemy has already pants-ed you, and shoved several unlubricated grenades up your arse.
Finally, two: I play games on my big screen TV with Dolby 5.1 surround sound to be immersed and stolen away to fantasy land. I don?t sit in front of my TV to strap on a headset and converse with a bunch of useless 14 year olds- I get enough of that type of abuse from my co-workers during the day. Halo 3 was an exception to this rule, and I actually progressed quite high up the ranking scale. This, however, was because I enjoyed the single player experience so much that I longed for more. I obviously did not enjoy the Resistance 2 single player experience. The PC is also a different story, a different environment. This is evidenced by the fact that you can find me sacrificing sleep to play just one more round of Left 4 Dead on Expert. Because of these things, Resistance 2?s multiplayer is, and will remain, a mystery to me.
So maybe the reason Resistance 2 has managed such good ratings is because it delivers some sort of landmark multiplayer experience that I refuse to let myself enjoy. I highly doubt that however, as consoles as they stand today really aren?t the right vehicle for such a thing. This request is already long enough, so I?m not going to wax on about how this game?s positive reviews are a commentary on the sorry state of the game industry and the journalists who report on it, but instead I?ll summarize succinctly: The reviewers responsible for Resistance 2?s B+ grade are pussies, and Yahtzee needs to put them in their place!!!
Cheers. What do the rest of you think?
Mike.
I am a normal guy with a good job, a pretty girlfriend, and all the other BS accoutrements that go with such things. I do not write to internet personalities; I generally do not post on internet forums. However, today I violate these rules. Today, I write to request your assistance in correcting the wrong that is Resistance 2.
I own a 360, PS3, and a Gaming rig PC. Like a battered wife, I am quite fond of the PS3 because of the way it gleefully raped my wallet when I purchased it. Therefore, it takes an extra effort by PS3 game developers to severely tick me off. Well, Resistance 2 has managed to do just that. Like most people, I have limited time for games, so I like to concentrate on those that have gotten high marks. I feel betrayed and tricked when that time ends up spent on a bad game... How Resistance 2 has achieved a metareview percentage of 87.3% fucking baffles me, and smells acutely of conspiracy.
I am going to bore you with only a small sampling of my own frustration, because within the first 20 minutes of playing the video game equivalent of jabbing yourself with a fork, you will have more than enough of your own material. Like people have called ?The Curious Case of Benjamin Button? Forrest Gump with a side of Ambien, Resistance 2 is a crippled Gears of War with a masochism fetish. They have the exact same storyline: alien creatures from inside the Earth that want to remove mankind; They both have gruff, outcasts for lead characters with over compensatory names (Nathan Hale, Marcus Phoenix); Resistance even has the fad-tastic regenerating health gimmick- But like a Chinese iPhone clone, it doesn?t matter how much it looks like Gears of War if the gameplay is a damn Motorola StarTac OS.
In an effort to make the game more ?challenging,? the developers decided to give your player the physical constitution of parchment paper. Three hits and you are down. With the whole regenerating health scheme, however, it really shouldn?t be that big a problem. So when you hear your squad mates yell out ?get to cover!? You think, No problem! I?ll just get behind this here crate and engage the cover mechanic. Wait, there is no cover mechanic? So you?re telling me that I have to crouch awkwardly behind this crate as the swarm of aliens (who are always solely concentrating fire on you) manage to nail the top two inches of your exposed head. Oh, that?s just lovely! And because there is no cover mechanic, there is no way to pop out over or around cover and smoothly take out hostiles.
I can already here the fan boys, ?But Halo doesn?t have a cover mechanic!? Well, this is not Halo my friends. Not by a long shot. Instead, you get to clumsily hit the crouch button and wait the two seconds that it takes for your guy to stand up, only to be greeted by a hail of bullets that instantly decapitate you. Try to crouch walk around the corner of cover to sneak a shot, the exact same thing happens. Now that is just mean... and way too frustrating for a normal difficulty level. Thanks for sapping all the fun out, Insomniac! The larger gunfights then become a case of learning where the enemies are going to spawn and making sure to lob grenades there as they begin to do so. And nothing can save you from the waves of the exploding pod aliens. Just cross your fingers. And don't get me started on how the game fails to tell you where you need to go... The only reason I was even able to finish the game without implanting the Dualshock controller into the front of my plasma TV, was the fact that my new Japanese Blowjob machine just came in the mail to relieve my tension, and that the game saves your progress every 15 feet... Except for when it really should save. And the story... It?s like how LOST leaves out details to create intrigue, but they also left out all the other shit as well. By the end of the game, you feel lucky to have even gotten some of the characters? first names. It?s like the developers just couldn?t be bothered. The weapons are lame too. 'Nough said.
Just two caveats; One: FPSs on a console just don?t make any goddamn sense to me. Why would anyone want to use an analog nub to attempt precision aiming with? We all know it is an exercise in futility, just ask my girlfriend! (that's a sex joke) Also, because the analog controller is so inadequate for such gameplay, you have to make the death or death decision between adjusting your analog sensitivity for either smooth aiming or the ability to actually be able to turn around in less than 10 minutes and shoot the bugger sneaking up behind you. A happy medium is just not possible. Too much in one direction, your character is flailing around like an even less graceful version of the Star Wars Kid. Too much in the other, and by the time your character actually executes a 180 degree turn, the enemy has already pants-ed you, and shoved several unlubricated grenades up your arse.
Finally, two: I play games on my big screen TV with Dolby 5.1 surround sound to be immersed and stolen away to fantasy land. I don?t sit in front of my TV to strap on a headset and converse with a bunch of useless 14 year olds- I get enough of that type of abuse from my co-workers during the day. Halo 3 was an exception to this rule, and I actually progressed quite high up the ranking scale. This, however, was because I enjoyed the single player experience so much that I longed for more. I obviously did not enjoy the Resistance 2 single player experience. The PC is also a different story, a different environment. This is evidenced by the fact that you can find me sacrificing sleep to play just one more round of Left 4 Dead on Expert. Because of these things, Resistance 2?s multiplayer is, and will remain, a mystery to me.
So maybe the reason Resistance 2 has managed such good ratings is because it delivers some sort of landmark multiplayer experience that I refuse to let myself enjoy. I highly doubt that however, as consoles as they stand today really aren?t the right vehicle for such a thing. This request is already long enough, so I?m not going to wax on about how this game?s positive reviews are a commentary on the sorry state of the game industry and the journalists who report on it, but instead I?ll summarize succinctly: The reviewers responsible for Resistance 2?s B+ grade are pussies, and Yahtzee needs to put them in their place!!!
Cheers. What do the rest of you think?
Mike.
