Introduction
I recently received this movie following a mix up on amazon and I thought that I might as well keep it to get my monies worth. Now I haven't seen this movie before but having read the synopsis, "Before the allies can drop the bomb on Hiroshima, they must get it past the Japanese fleet... and it's fleet of flying pterodactyls", I can tell that this movie is going to suck hard (plus it's also a SCIFI channel original). Which is why I am doing it in rant format since a normal review wouldn't capture just how stupid this movie is. So lets dive into this movie and find out how bad it is.
The movie
We start off with the credits as usual and I can just tell the movie is going to suck due to the credits. Barely any work has gone into them since they're just large white words on a sky with repetitive music going on. But I've fallen behind so lets play catchup.
The film then talks about the war that is going on while this event is taking place. I can see why someone would do this but the stuff they talk about is common knowledge at around this point in time thus making the addition seem entirely pointless.
Anyway the next scene shows a bunch of I guess Japanese erm, filling sand bags. There is a cave shot but it's to dark to make out until an explosion (done by god knows what) opens a hole. Said Japanese then go into the cave with flashlights. The problem is that they wave the flashlights around in a way that would not help them out at all, moving on.
We then see a of some eggs on the ground which I guess are pterodactyls eggs. Unfortunately a bad CGI pteodactyl attacks and devours the poor actors.
Here we run into the first problem of the plot, THERE IS NO WAY THAT PTERODACTYLS COULD HAVE SURVIVED TO MODERN TIMES. You see the last pterodactyls fossils before the K-T event (the event that killed the dinosaurs, you know the asteroid)were large creatures who were also heavily specialized to live off large fish or animals on the ground that they ate like giant storks. That means that they could not have survived an event that would have killed off such creatures. Plus, the pterodactyls that were around before the K-T extinction event were large creatures meaning they had a long way to fall in comparison to others that survived. And if they had then why wouldn't we see pterodactyls today? I understand that the period after the K-T extinction was a heavily forested period, and that birds were around to do well in these new niches but still they would have faced little competition in their new world. And how did the pterodactyl get in the ground anyway? They couldn't have just dug it's way in their wings are totally unsuited to such a task.
We then show a new scene depicting a bad CGI plane with subtitles saying "three months later" Afterwords we cut into a pilot that smiles for no apparent reason. We see her and we co-pilot discussing the plane and what it could be put through. Although that sounds like a nice sene it is totally ruined by two things. 1: the women are incredibly bad actors who say their lines with no emotion at all and 2: they look like models for a shampoo commercial, not really battle hardened pilots. We see more bad actors droning worse lines about how the captain is going to ruing the plane or something. Then they discuss who they should name the plane after in a really cheap technique in order to tell us ho what their names are. The problem is that they say there names so quickly that it is impossible to know who's who. Oh an by the way the entire plane is managed by women, huh here I was thinking that the military still had a thing against women in military positions silly me( well okay women could have rankings, but these rankings had to do more with reserves or nursing more then plane flying). My dislike of these strange nameless people is not helped by the fact that they are worse actors then the people in my junior high school play.
In pretty much every scene the women look like this
The two top bras(because that is all the movie really knows what to do with them) then approach the "base commander" and we witness more bad acting in which the actors discuss what they plan to do with the plane with the general discussion being that they should send it back to another base or something, everyone talks in this droning voice that makes their words hard to hear while trying to nail all the nuances of emotion but completely failing to accomplish the emotion part, its like the actors are aliens disguising themselves as humans but they're unable to understand such things as emotion. I guess that the head pilot is mad because she walks out and tells her second in command "that they need more brass skirts' huh, and the other woman's response is look mildly irritated and she follows her captain in her quest to enslave humanity!
I am suddenly remind of a much better movie
We cut to the bad CGI plane again while it embarks on a journey across the pacific while doing the same red line across the map thing that Indian Jones was doing much better years before this movie was conceived.
We then cut to a bunch of soldiers, wait what?! Who are these people? Oh... now I remember, you see while the woman was talking with the other "people" they decided to send a guy (who looks like he needs to take a crap) and his team of soldiers to aid the women in flying back to the base with their guns! Yea i makes about as much sense as Hannah Montana.
We then find out that the plane is in a storm and the captain tells her assistant to tell GWNTC (Guy Who Needs to Take a Crap)that they will be changing course because of the storm. After telling him this GWNTC informs her that no course changes will be allowed. What? do they intend to shot the storm down. I guess they aren't aware that the storm is CGI as well.
Suddenly a pterodactyl blows out one of the engines because... they... erm, THE PLOT DEMANDS IT. One of the women eats a shuriken in he face(?) and they have a big death scene which is so badly done, actor wise, I wish I could show you how bad it is in video format. The pilots then land on the terribly fake surf or sand or mud I have no idea what it is supposed to be.
Tis a weapon of destruction
To give you an idea of how bad the dialogue is here is a snip,
GWNTC: Congratulations ladies, we're out of the frying pan, lets see if we jumped into the fire.
Now imagine this with a voice that is out done, emotion-wise, by one of those creepy Japanese robots except with more droning.
They all step out onto the sand which looks a lot more golden then it did in CGI, even more odd is that the sand looks disturbed, like someone ran in it. I guess the Japanese started spending their off-soldiering activities coming here with their families. Top Bra #1 then inspects the plane to find three claw marks n it. Odd, last time I checked pterodactyls only had a claw on one finger, hell they probably didn't have any claws at all at least on their arms. Even odder is that this somehow made the engine caught fire. How this work is outside of mankind's stage in development. I am not sure why the fire isn't making anymore sounds I guess they put it out.
Oh and something I didn't mention, two engines are on fire despite us seeing only one catch fire earlier. And they somehow put the fire out despite the fact that I highly doubt that they would have enough water to put them out, and to think that TGWNTC actually thinks that the plane can be repaired.
Venturing out to explore the island for whatever unfathomable reason they see a pterosaur (easier to say then pterodactyl) flying at sonic speeds while screeching and disturbing the trees. Being idiots the party disregards that as wind. The pterosaur causes a body to fall out of the trees, because the script demands tension I guess, the problem is that the actors react to the body like they saw a dog fall over, even the women, who probably have had no combat experience and thus probably haven't seen dead people (at least like this) before.
The happy team find a little roadside stop or something and they investigate, HAHA GOT YOU, in actuality they just wander around while some bad piano player just starts pushing keys in an attempt to build tension. The wonder squad investigates a shack with scratch marks on it and some knocked down papers, what are said scratch marks? Who destroyed Steve's old map collection? Your guess is as good as mine. Here is another witty display of wordplay:
NLG#1(Name less Guy):This is really bad Rolf
Rolf: You worry to much
Nlg#1:their radio equipment is smashed
Rolf:hey we're a secret mission, we landed in an empty enemy base
NLf#1:maybe empty enemy base
Rolf
kay hopefully empty enemy base, my point is that we're on a beautiful tropical island you're sweating to much NateNate: Yeah I guess you're right
Rolf: my point is that we're trapped on an exotic island with four beautiful babes
Nate:do you think of the big head Marth, do you ever not think of the big romance
Marth?: who said anything about the big romance "looks up at the celling, sees claw marks" bingo, they get shorter all the time.
I vote after this that we gather in a mob and attack the writer for his crimes of against the written word.
Anyway we cut to the top Bra investigating the woods, see finds the raptor claw that dr. Grant threw away (while ignoring the human skull sitting 2 feet from her). Then we hear, I think top Bra#2 scream in the must non-frightened fashion and we see her held hostage by the Japanese. Despite the dangerous situation no one shows any concern. Speaking loudly GWNTC demands that the non-english speaking (then again the Japanese will probably start speaking english in the next couple of minutes. But they're interrupted by the CGI made-up monster (there is nothing like this in the fossil record and since the pterosaurs were staying in that cave for millions of years I doubt they would have evolved such formidable dentition, or such lifelessness) who slashes Marth with made up claws that are instantly fatal. GWNTC then takes the girl as the pterosaur swoops around and gabs onto a Japanese man, holding him there for a about ten seconds while they unload rubber bullets into it's body about 5-7 times while the Japanese 'captain" puts down his gun,grabs a torch, and starts waving it around shouting. Eventually GWNTC just shoots the guy and the pterosaur flies off with him. Oh and the dude who was slashed, did not actually died and the next scene shows him perfectly alright.
We also see in this next scene the Japanese performing ancient Japanese rituals to guard their brothers passage into the underworld or something while putting rice in their hair. We also see the Americans saying fair well to the woman who ate a shuriken (it took me most of the scene to makes this "guess".
Honestly by this point I have no idea whats going on, the team talks about how they have repair the severed fuel lines(???) but, erm, they decide to go in zeros instead. Although top bras#1 warns them that the zeros do not have the right guns to secure their passage out of here. Honestly I don't think the Japanese use rubber bullets (whats with the rubber bullets thing? It's the only plausible explanation for why the pterosaur survived despite being at point blank range and fired upon 5-7 times). But seriously wouldn't the Zeros just fly faster then the pterosaurs, then again I don''t think the Americans(aside from teh womens) can fly a plane.
I'm honestly sorry for this review, I didn't now how bad this movie would actually be so you can leave if you want, I do not think things can get any better.
Here another witty world play section
TB#2(top bra #2): then what do you think they are
Engineer: Dinosaurs
TB#2:Honey, those comics of yours are rotting your brain Dinosaurs are extinct
Engineer: well these ones aren't
TB#: No one has scene a dinosaur hugsy, they don't exist anymore
Engineer: that is what they said about dragons, and then that guy found them on that island
TB#2 ( I think):you mean the komodo dragon? Those aren't real dragons sweaty
Engineer: well they look like dragons to me what do you think TB#1
TB#1: I'll be dammed if I know what they are, I'm just glad the fire seems to be keeping them away
Pterosaurs AREN'T dinosaurs, they are closely related creatures you stupid twat. And to make this scene even dumber the engineer is holding a comic book about what appears to be soldiers battling dinosaurs.
This is what a real pterodactyl would have looked like
Hugsy (I guess she is the engineer) tells the rest that weight wise she is the best one to pilot the zero because there isn't enougj fuel to make it to the base unless the plane weighs over 150 pounds or something. After a terribly written discussion TB#1 agrees to send Hugsy to get help, although how an inexperience pilot plans to chart her way back to the island remains unclear.
After 2 more pointless scenes, oh fuck it, as long as I'm here you might as well enjoy the same problems that I am suffering through.
Scene 1: The Japanese speak about their predicament in Japanese then english. If this scene wasn't stupid enough, their lines all sound like the kind of thing Buddhist monks say.
Scene 2: Hugsy goes to a soldier ,who looks way to much like a model to be a soldier, and tells him that her name is Vanessa and that her comrades all call for Hudsy instead of Hugsy. You see, the reason I was calling her Hugsy earlier, WAS THAT THE DIALOGUE IS FAR TO BLAND AND QUIET TO BO KEEP TRACK OF WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING, I had to rewind about 5-6 times for each witty wordplay section to find out exactly what people are saying, and because it is impossible to keep track of anyone (the women in particular) I have to keep changing their bloody names. The crowning moment in this scene (to get back on the movie) is when, out of nowhere Hudsy kisses the soldier (they give him a name but I'll be damned if I rewind this piece of shit)because she wants to know what it feels like and instead of getting pissed of the soldier just says he loves her. FUCK this movie.
My feelings toward this movie
Then we see more fake planes except their are four of them ready to go, I'm not sure why and I'm passed caring. I understand that some (read most) of you hate reading long sections but this stupidity deserves a complete look though to see how stupid this shit is.
Anyway they get in their fake airplanes and try to fly away but the pterosaurs attack in the hundreds (why didn't they just attack when they heard the gunshots earlier)? And somehow, Don't ask me how, the pterosaurs can keep up with the planes one even diving down fast enough to blow a massive hole in Hudsy's plane. I think this movie is a crime against logic.
After a brief discussion with the one Japanese guy who can speak english the group (in which the worst acting I've ever seen occurs) we learn that the pterosaurs have a nest on the other side of the island. The two main leads (TB#1 and GWNTC) go off in search of it.
Subsequently they have a pointless adventure involving "sexual tension" and invincible pterosaurs. Then the Japanese man who can speak english (they all can speak english actually)informs them that they all have to work together to get off the island. This begs the question of why the guard, who was sitting right outside the door, was unable to hear the Japanese speaking english.
After we briefly see the group working together the Japanese we watch the "captain" sneaking into the plane to find out what the secret cache is. The problem is NO ONE CARES ABOUT THE SECRET CACHE honestly it will probably turn out to be pterosaur eggs.
We then see the Americans getting a cache of fuel (the Japanese told them about it apparently) and after a really really bad fight sequence we see that the Japanese have broken out, thanks to the miracles of script writing (Their honestly is no. And we're engaged in a wonder session of banter in which the Japanese, against all logic avoid joining up with the pilots ,I.E the only way they can get off the island. The problem with these, plot scenes is that the actors can't out act a toaster and even if they did their characters have no interesting characteristics nor any reason to care about these nameless characters. But the whole scene ends with the Japanese getting shot in the most brutal way possible, which is a pretty sharp contrast with most of the other stuff in this movie
I'd also like to mention another thing. this movie loves cutting to black and they do it constantly and I do mean constantly, it is just stupid to look at and it makes WarBirds seem like a series of bad episodes instead of a movie.
Pretty much all changes in sequence involve a black screen in some way or fashion
So we've come to the final battle. The group flies out on the plane from the beginning and two of the zeros. I'll try and cut this down as much as I can. The pterosaurs take down a nameless woman (not sure how the pterosaurs can keep up with the airplanes or how they breed as fast as the characters say(I'm not sure how they know that they are breeding fast))and the other woman falls out of the sky for no apparent reason. After gaining entrance into the interior of the hull a pterosaur engages GWNTC and bites off his hand, mysteriously GWNTC opens up the bomb bay drops the bomb on the island despite an earlier shot showing them over the sea and escapes being sucked out by decompression only to fall out the plane. TB#1 overacts as the atomic bomb (oh yeah I forgot to mention, the cargo wasn't pterosaur eggs but the atomic bomb) blows up the island and all the fake-pterosaurs ,luckily for her the other woman goes flying off with her and the movies over.
In summary; this is a horrible and I do mean horrible movie. The acing is awful, the plot makes no sense, and the writers must be retarded. I would give this movie half a star (if only because there is no lower rating and one scene was some what interesting) and I would urge you to avoid this movie at all costs, the only good thing that came out of it was this review and I do not think even that was that good.
