Abridged History

[Novajam]

So here's an idea I had yesterday whilst talking with a couple of my friends. History can be fun to learn about, but sometimes it's a little difficult to draw out all the important points from a textbook or encyclopaedia. So what if we trimmed the fat?

The basic idea is to take a moment from history, and then bastardise condense it down into a simpler, more entertaining form. History isn't your cup of tea? No problem. Movies, games and literature should all make for ripe pickings here. Write it up any way you see fit. Just remember your spoiler tags if you're going to let spoilers loose

I'll get the ball rolling:

President Wilson vs The World

The year is 1919, and the United States of America have come out of World War One the strongest nation in the world. President Woodrow Wilson sees this as a golden opportunity to secure peace throughout the world. The American public, senate, and Republican Party weren't as eager.

Wilson: Hey everyone! I'm back from Paris, and I've got this great idea for a League of Nations. Take a look!
Republicans: -reading- Hmm... Geneva... da... da... arbitration... ba...
Wilson: Pretty sweet huh?
Henry Cabot Lodge: Whoa man, back up. "Member nations to protect each other against aggression"? We'll be in wars forever.
37 Senators: Not cool man.
Wilson: Oh, well, you like it, right Senate?
Senate: Well maybe if you'd asked for our advice beforehand?
Wilson: Anybody?
American Public: No.
Wilson: Ugh, you all guys suck. You've got no vision. I'll be in France if you need me.

-A short while later, in France-

Georges Clemenceau: I want more of Germany.
Wilson: Look, we've been over this, we can't do that.
Clemenceau: And they should have to fight with rocks.
Billy Hughes: Dibs on New Guinea!
Saionji Kinmochi: Why can't we all be equal?
Wilson: Listen, guys, we have to make the League my way!
David Lloyd George: This is boring. I want to go home to my mistress.
Wilson: You're boring!
Clemenceau: Your 14 points are boring!
Wilson: Gaah this is useless. I'm going home.

-Back in Washington-

Wilson: Okay, nobody likes my plans for the League of Nations.
The Irreconcilables: Damn right we don't.
Wilson: Maybe the people will like it more. I need to meet them, eye to eye!
Wilson's Physician: I don't think that's a good idea, you're getting pretty old and sick, and you could have a-
Wilson: Lalala can't hear you!

And so President Wilson went on a month long tour across the country by train, giving speeches to the public trying to garner support for the League and Treaty of Versailles, until:


Wilson: Friends, Ro- Americans, Countrymen, lend me your ea- -hurk-
Audience: -gasp-
Captain Not-So-Obvious: He's fainted!

That's right, he broke down at a speech in Colorado. A week later he had a stroke, and spent the last 15 months of the Presidency as an invalid. The League of Nations was eventually formed, but the US never joined. The moral is to eat plenty of fruits and vegetables.

I'm sure you could do a lot better than me. Have at it.

EDIT: If you need some further inspiration, flicking through some Kate Beaton comics [http://beatonna.livejournal.com/] might not be a badly spent five minutes.

 

[Whiskyjakk]

The Battle of Stalingrad. A Comic Tragedy In Three Parts.

July 1942 Operation Blau -

General Paulus, "So we march on Stalingrad. The namesake of our foe and the gateway to victory over the hated Soviets!."

General Hoth, "I reckon this will all be over by Christmas. The Red Army spends more time setting up temporary vodka stills than it does practicing warfare. Then Stalin scientifically shoots anybody who shows the slightest initiative just to make sure they stay in line. How about we name this one after me, the Battle of Hoth has a good ring to it

Audience groans at the terrible joke, Generals exit stage left.

October 1942 City Fight -

A Red Army soldier arrives at the river Volga and is handed a rifle and bullets

Commissar, "Forward men! You go now to fight for the Motherland, for Russia, for the Soviet Union, for Lenin, for Marx, for Engels, for Stalin, for vodka, for our glorious Leader, for communism, for freedom, for your hatred of facists, for your wives, for your children, for your mistresses and because I'll shoot you in the back if you don't!"

Soldier gets in the boat along with ten other men, which is promptly sunk by an enemy shell half way accross the river.

Commissar, "Quit spawn killing, you Nazi bastards!"

Lights dim. Commissar and formerly dead soldiers exit stage left.

January 1943 Operation Saturn -

General Paulus, "So Hoth, let me get this right. We guarded our flanks with Romanian regiments despite the fact that they had no anti-tank equipment and were liable to fold like a paper towel when attacked by anything larger than a flea. They fled and we got surrounded by more Russian soldiers than you can shake your frostbitten leg at. It's freezing, we're starving and they're firing rockets at us."

General Hoth, "Well lets not dwell on who gave what orders. I'm sure the Gestapo will be happy to do that for us back in Berlin over a nice hot poker and some thumbscrews. Last plane out is in ten minutes. Let's hurry up or some lower rank wounded person might take our window seats".

General Paulus, "Forget it. Hitler sent me my promotion to Generalfeldmarschall yesterday. I suspect, since nobody at that rank has ever been captured, this is equivalent to him sending me a cyanide capsule, hangman's noose and a revolver with a single bullet in. I'm off to surrender to the Russkies before any more of my toes drop off".

General Paulus exits Stage Right. General Hoth hobbles off Stage Left