Alien vs Hunter
I wouldnt call myself a pessimistic person, but reading the title of this film invoked a kind of deep seated spiritual fear in me usually only reserved for large groups of turkey's being herded on a bus marked 'Bernard Matthews' Holiday Resort'. The film is funded and made by a company called 'The Asylum', whose crew are evidently entirely made up of orphaned, blind, epileptic children who regularly attend 'Paris Hilton's School for the Tragically Fucktarded'.
If you have had any involvement with an Asylum film before and you relish the chance to further pollute your mind with pointless drivel, then you wont be dissapointed.
The film starts out okay enough, with a man jogging in the mountains listening to a spot of music. Before youve had a chance to get comfortable in your chair, a massive trail of black smoke streaks across the sky in the background and crashes into the ground at a devastating speed mere kilometers away from the man. 'My God' You might think, 'Was the man thrown hundreds of feet by the shockwave?'
No, he wasnt. In fact, he didnt even notice.
The man then displays his amazing powers of selective hearing when the locals sheriff's jeep trundles up the road and he hears him coming a mile away.
Given the amazing lack of intelligence displayed between the two characters during what can only be loosely described as dialogue, i have decided to rename these characters Mongo and Retard. Mongo being the jogger and Retard being the sheriff.
The two then decide to randomly visit someones house (which turns out to be a winnebago) and find it empty.
Mongo then decides to look around the back of the winnebago on a whim, and discovers a hundred foot alien spaceship lodged up to its arse in the mountainside. This is where warning lights began to flash up in my head, and i had to ask myself, How the fuck did they not see a hundred foot spaceship, billowing an extra 200 feet of smoke into the air, when they previously arrived? Did the winnebago obscure it from view? And where in the name of God are all those rainforest sound effects coming from, when they are clearly stood on a mountain void of anything tropical? Was i dealing with a film that took artistic licence on common sense? Yes, i was. and it would get worse.
At the risk of rambling, I'm going to outline some of the other problems with the film itself. The 'Hunter' from the title looks absolutely nothing like it does on the DVD case for the film, so dont get your hopes up. Im pretty sure you could stick a mop covered in paint up my arse, tie me to a pneumatic drill in a moving lift and i could design a better fucking 'hunter' on the walls. I cant help but wonder when the creature designer had the idea - 'This Hunter would look so much cooler with a fruit bowl on its head'. The second problem with this creature is its complete and total inability to actually hunt anything. When it appears on the screen it does usually one of three things:
1. Stands around and watches while the humans fight 'Arachna-man'. (We'll come to him later.)
2. Aim its weapon (Which is clearly manufactured by fucking Hasbro) and fire randomly into the air, missing absolutely everything. One interesting point about this gun is that it makes an amusing 'Pew-Pew' sound when it fires, even though its operator couldnt hit the side of a barn even if the barn was the size of, I dont know, Earth?
3. Nothing. Just nothing. Walks around. Picks its arse.
But Alas, if you think the Hunter sounds bad, wait until you see The Asylum's pathetic excuse for an alien. Put it this way, if you dont burst out in painful laughter when you see it, you are probably clinically dead.
The Actors are bad, the script is written by a four year old Cheese Sandwich, and the special effects truly are 'special'.
So,
Is It Shit?
Of course it fucking is, its THE ASYLUM!!!! Hip, Hip, Hooray!
I know that Asylum films are supposed to be bad, everyone knows this. But the only way they could have made a less watchable film is by filming it with a kaleidoscope, then insisting you watch it through frosted glass. Spanky22 will be killing the director, (who i can only assume is severely mentally handicapped) and mutilating the body, very soon.
I wouldnt call myself a pessimistic person, but reading the title of this film invoked a kind of deep seated spiritual fear in me usually only reserved for large groups of turkey's being herded on a bus marked 'Bernard Matthews' Holiday Resort'. The film is funded and made by a company called 'The Asylum', whose crew are evidently entirely made up of orphaned, blind, epileptic children who regularly attend 'Paris Hilton's School for the Tragically Fucktarded'.
If you have had any involvement with an Asylum film before and you relish the chance to further pollute your mind with pointless drivel, then you wont be dissapointed.
The film starts out okay enough, with a man jogging in the mountains listening to a spot of music. Before youve had a chance to get comfortable in your chair, a massive trail of black smoke streaks across the sky in the background and crashes into the ground at a devastating speed mere kilometers away from the man. 'My God' You might think, 'Was the man thrown hundreds of feet by the shockwave?'
No, he wasnt. In fact, he didnt even notice.
The man then displays his amazing powers of selective hearing when the locals sheriff's jeep trundles up the road and he hears him coming a mile away.
Given the amazing lack of intelligence displayed between the two characters during what can only be loosely described as dialogue, i have decided to rename these characters Mongo and Retard. Mongo being the jogger and Retard being the sheriff.
The two then decide to randomly visit someones house (which turns out to be a winnebago) and find it empty.
Mongo then decides to look around the back of the winnebago on a whim, and discovers a hundred foot alien spaceship lodged up to its arse in the mountainside. This is where warning lights began to flash up in my head, and i had to ask myself, How the fuck did they not see a hundred foot spaceship, billowing an extra 200 feet of smoke into the air, when they previously arrived? Did the winnebago obscure it from view? And where in the name of God are all those rainforest sound effects coming from, when they are clearly stood on a mountain void of anything tropical? Was i dealing with a film that took artistic licence on common sense? Yes, i was. and it would get worse.
At the risk of rambling, I'm going to outline some of the other problems with the film itself. The 'Hunter' from the title looks absolutely nothing like it does on the DVD case for the film, so dont get your hopes up. Im pretty sure you could stick a mop covered in paint up my arse, tie me to a pneumatic drill in a moving lift and i could design a better fucking 'hunter' on the walls. I cant help but wonder when the creature designer had the idea - 'This Hunter would look so much cooler with a fruit bowl on its head'. The second problem with this creature is its complete and total inability to actually hunt anything. When it appears on the screen it does usually one of three things:
1. Stands around and watches while the humans fight 'Arachna-man'. (We'll come to him later.)
2. Aim its weapon (Which is clearly manufactured by fucking Hasbro) and fire randomly into the air, missing absolutely everything. One interesting point about this gun is that it makes an amusing 'Pew-Pew' sound when it fires, even though its operator couldnt hit the side of a barn even if the barn was the size of, I dont know, Earth?
3. Nothing. Just nothing. Walks around. Picks its arse.
But Alas, if you think the Hunter sounds bad, wait until you see The Asylum's pathetic excuse for an alien. Put it this way, if you dont burst out in painful laughter when you see it, you are probably clinically dead.
The Actors are bad, the script is written by a four year old Cheese Sandwich, and the special effects truly are 'special'.
So,
Is It Shit?
Of course it fucking is, its THE ASYLUM!!!! Hip, Hip, Hooray!
I know that Asylum films are supposed to be bad, everyone knows this. But the only way they could have made a less watchable film is by filming it with a kaleidoscope, then insisting you watch it through frosted glass. Spanky22 will be killing the director, (who i can only assume is severely mentally handicapped) and mutilating the body, very soon.