This rant (and I admit, I've posted among similar lines before, I apologies) isn't so much about a definitive event as it is a general picture of my life today and my past, and how it fits with my future.
Standard fare from many I know, but I fear I lack proper objectivity with it. Thusly, I turn to this site in the hopes if you guys and gals can't get me out of my ruminations, then to at least point me to where I need to go.
I'm in my second year of college, attending a university transfer program in International Relations, my dream? To head to Vancouver's University of British Columbia, a hallowed place where I believe I can learn my discipline in the Province I love AND be closer to the woman I love.
But now that my life is moving forward, especially from the two-year Interregnum after a failed attempt at post-sec in 2010 saw me burning bridges in the hope of well.. staying alive, is hitting a rocky road now.
Its ironic if fated (in a way) that my 2010 ruminations were about my future, my current ones are about my past. I'm starting to discover fallout from stressors early in my life (a certain family member, and the 2010 crash and burn), cracks that festered mistakes until I've developed as a person to see them. Now I fear I am overreacting, or worse under-reacting. I'm starting to really need to push back against this, I'm sick and tired of the going rate.
I'm often ruminating about events that occurred years ago, when I was not in a good place or just too young and stupid to know what was right and what was wrong. I had to learn myself much of what I know from ad hoc sources, under the above stressors no less. I can credit my parents and schooling to be sure with a lot, but I often feel they neglected much as well. It became a lottery of a sort. Something I both have a lot of pride and distress in.
So I've made mistakes that now I can see were mistakes, but now a part of me is ruminating or even freaking out about them. Often I feel undeserving about moving forward, or even of existing with regular people anymore. That if my life was peeled open my screwups would outweigh all my "attaboys" and its the end of my dreams for me.
It seems like I'm finally emotionally developing(and if a theory is correct, in my physical brain as well), even if it took until my 20's to do so. That in a manner of speaking, going from Chaotic Good to survive, to the Neutral Good but going through a phase of Lawful Good before I equalize. But is that a worthy explanation? Or would the world think it as an excuse of mine?
And as much as this smacks of self-diagnosis, I've began to wonder if this is something wrong with my brain. I'm beginning to think I need a mental health checkup to make sure, that its not what I fear, like Pure-OCD. Or worse, I worry I NEED a diagnosis to absolve myself from my past as a disconnect to move on. The worst kind of "win-win" with this situation.
Because I'm sick of fearing that I'm tainted, or a monster, or going crazy, or all three. I can compartmentalize day-by-day, but this has ravaged my self-esteem for the long term. Its like I always apply a debuff to whats good about me and a buff to whats bad/what I think is bad.
I suppose time will answer all this sooner or later, but any outside answer to the thread question would be VERY appreciated.
(Thank you all who spent the time to read this rant.)
Standard fare from many I know, but I fear I lack proper objectivity with it. Thusly, I turn to this site in the hopes if you guys and gals can't get me out of my ruminations, then to at least point me to where I need to go.
I'm in my second year of college, attending a university transfer program in International Relations, my dream? To head to Vancouver's University of British Columbia, a hallowed place where I believe I can learn my discipline in the Province I love AND be closer to the woman I love.
But now that my life is moving forward, especially from the two-year Interregnum after a failed attempt at post-sec in 2010 saw me burning bridges in the hope of well.. staying alive, is hitting a rocky road now.
Its ironic if fated (in a way) that my 2010 ruminations were about my future, my current ones are about my past. I'm starting to discover fallout from stressors early in my life (a certain family member, and the 2010 crash and burn), cracks that festered mistakes until I've developed as a person to see them. Now I fear I am overreacting, or worse under-reacting. I'm starting to really need to push back against this, I'm sick and tired of the going rate.
I'm often ruminating about events that occurred years ago, when I was not in a good place or just too young and stupid to know what was right and what was wrong. I had to learn myself much of what I know from ad hoc sources, under the above stressors no less. I can credit my parents and schooling to be sure with a lot, but I often feel they neglected much as well. It became a lottery of a sort. Something I both have a lot of pride and distress in.
So I've made mistakes that now I can see were mistakes, but now a part of me is ruminating or even freaking out about them. Often I feel undeserving about moving forward, or even of existing with regular people anymore. That if my life was peeled open my screwups would outweigh all my "attaboys" and its the end of my dreams for me.
It seems like I'm finally emotionally developing(and if a theory is correct, in my physical brain as well), even if it took until my 20's to do so. That in a manner of speaking, going from Chaotic Good to survive, to the Neutral Good but going through a phase of Lawful Good before I equalize. But is that a worthy explanation? Or would the world think it as an excuse of mine?
And as much as this smacks of self-diagnosis, I've began to wonder if this is something wrong with my brain. I'm beginning to think I need a mental health checkup to make sure, that its not what I fear, like Pure-OCD. Or worse, I worry I NEED a diagnosis to absolve myself from my past as a disconnect to move on. The worst kind of "win-win" with this situation.
Because I'm sick of fearing that I'm tainted, or a monster, or going crazy, or all three. I can compartmentalize day-by-day, but this has ravaged my self-esteem for the long term. Its like I always apply a debuff to whats good about me and a buff to whats bad/what I think is bad.
I suppose time will answer all this sooner or later, but any outside answer to the thread question would be VERY appreciated.
(Thank you all who spent the time to read this rant.)
