Am I Wrong for Feeling Upset Over This?

[manofwar618]

So, it seems like I only come here when I have problems lol. I have come out (as gay) over the Summer, and I was clearly a bit nervous to go back to School. Surprisingly, pretty much nobody cared. I really respect my classmates for that. But anyways, since I came back, my Best Friend has been acting strange, almost sort of as if he was trying to push me away. He wouldn't want to come eat Lunch with me, claiming he had other friends to sit with. Fine. When I go to a Class I have with him and try to talk with him, he would either give me one word answers or just tell me to go back to my seat. When he found out he was in the same group in Gym (our Gym class is divided in half to two seperate teachers, he said "Dammit!" He thought he wasn't with me at first, so he was excited. I just overall got the feeling he was trying to seperate himself from me.

I decided to go and talk to him about this at Lunch, and he tells me that other people think he's gay too, for being my best friend. He tells me he has to (and I quote) "seperate himself from me to keep his image. But we can still be friends." Sure, we can be friends, we just can never talk ever or be seen together in public. I tell him that's ridiculous and he's like "Whatever." and walks away. I find it ridiculous he cares so much about his "image" more than he does me. A general consensus amongst all my other friends is that it's a dick thing to do and I should stop being his friend. That's, honestly, what I plan on doing. Just, I don't know, maybe I wanted some group pity , but I'm really frustrated that my best friend (formerly) is seperating himself from me just because a few people think he's gay (which he's not), threatening his masculinity. Having no idea how to end this, I'll say "what do you think?"

 

[Tsukuyomi]

Unfortunately at this point I suspect you have a couple of options. the best one is probably the hardest one, though. That particular one being: Leave him be. It may sound cliche, but if he's really your friend, he'll get the hell over it eventually and with any kind of luck he'll come back with an apology.

Being in school is a weird time where logic and sense-make take a backseat to looking good and image. It's silly, it's absurd, but I'm afraid that's just the way it is. I think it partly has something to do with older generations insisting that School is 'the best years of your life' out of nostalgia. Not to mention all the other crazy stuff going on.

In short, yeah, you're justified in being pissed. But I think at this point, for most guys at that time in their lives to act like the bigger person in the face of news that their best friend is gay/whatever else is supposedly so horrible, is nigh-on impossible. In a sense, you may be expecting too much of him right now.

Give it time, let it go. If at some point he's willing to come back, well, you can welcome him back into your life or not. That's your choice. But being mad about it might just make things worse. It may even help him to see that you're not making a big deal out of it so he shouldn't make a big deal out of you being gay.

*shrugs* Bottom line: Sure, you can be angry. But I don't think it does much good to do so. Let it go, see if he grows up about it. If he does? Great. If not? Well, guess then it'd be about that time to move on.

 

[Saltyk]

I'm going to take the stance of devil's advocate. Oh, I so do love taking this point of view from time to time. Just because it is fun to make people think outside their usual point of view.

Anyway. Your friend is probably having some difficulty coming to grasp the situation. You say he was your best friend. So I take it you were close. You probably hung out outside of school. Stayed at each others homes. Saw movies and ate at restaurants together. Maybe even slept in the same bed. In short, you were close. And both male (I assume). Your friend is likely having an issue with you "suddenly" being gay. He probably suspects that you weren't just friends with him. That you were friends because you were attracted to him. "Your friendship was a lie."

Can you blame him? He just learned his best friend of X number of years has secretly been gay. The "other". One of THEM! Take into account how straight men generally see homosexuality, and it's easy to understand. Probably only made worse by these people that he alleges think he is gay because you are gay.

Is he right to feel that way? Honestly, I'm not the one to ask.
Are you right to be upset? Yeah, I think you have a valid complaint.
What should you do? Leave him be. Let him adjust to the way things are. He may never be your best friend, or even your friend, again, but it's not your fault.

 

[Cid Silverwing]

He's betrayed you. Plain and simple. He's not worth your time anymore and it's time to get a new best friend who understands your sexual orientation.

 

[darkman80723]

That sucks but dont worry so much, some people just are uncomfortable with differences and you might as well get used to it......also if since coming out this is your biggest worry then count your blessings. I came out in the sort of community/family where it was "pray the gay away" and that failing "beat the living S*** out of the gay to make the devil go away". It could be worse.

 

[hazabaza1]

Long story short-He's a ****.
Go find some better friends.

 

[retyopy]

Look, just leave him behind and find someone better. Friends are a dime a dozen if you act the right way.

 

[Ashannon Blackthorn]

It

He's betrayed you. Plain and simple. He's not worth your time anymore and it's time to get a new best friend who understands your sexual orientation.

Bad way to see it. I was in your boat. Gay, came out, some close friends acted weird. I was hurt, confused, paranoid (did I only like him cause he was cute, am I scaring them off, etc etc)

It takes time to accept a fairly radical change in anyone no matter if it's "I'm gay" or "I'm pregnant" or "I'm going ot enter a Buddhist Monastery in Thailand"

I think Cid sees things in way to black and white and honestly, if all you can say is "OMG I was betrayed" you might be a bit of a jerk too.

Give him time. See if he ditches the BS macho crap and accepts you. If he keep doing it, well then Cid's advice becomes very valid and I concur, ditch the twit. But for gods sake don't just jump the gun and assume everyone is going to accept you 100% right from you prancing out of the closet. They won't.

To Cid, sorry if this seems harsh but I've seen a lot of friendships broken in the gay community for this line of thinking. True betrayal would be the best fried beating the shit outta the OP while screaming that the dirty ****** only wanted ot screw him. I've seen that happen. Time heals all wounds as the old saying goes and time is what this needs. And if the best friend doesn;t come around, let him go and just remember the good times and move on.

 

[Captain Pancake]

High school rule of thumb is anything you do is acceptable, as long as you're popular. If you're not part of the landed elite, good luck finding approval for anything you do, let alone 'controversial' statements such as your own. Just understand that that society won't last.

 

[ruben6f]

If he cares so much about his image to the point of leaving his best friend then he is a bad person, your "best friend" is not your friend he is an idiot, if someone is ok with spending time with you even if he others tell him "OMG YOU ARE SO GAY!!1!1!" then that someone is a true friend.

 

[WinkyTheGreat]

snip

I have to agree with this. You have a very valid complaint, but that can be a lot for him to take in. Is the "I need to keep my image" attitude the right one? No. But it's something you'll have to let him work through.

On a side note, I can only assume that you are in high school based on the way things are phrased (feel free to correct me if I'm wrong about that). Just be sure he knows that once you graduate high school, nothing about you image or your popularity really matters. Most people in higher education just don't give a shit about that.

Good luck to you with the situation. It's going to be a difficult one; but in the end, you'll be fine

 

[Gaiseric]

As a straight guy who found out suddenly his friend of many years was gay I'd say give him some time. I was a little awkward around him for a while and it did hurt some that he didn't feel comfortable telling me(I found out from another friend). It took me a bit to get used to the idea of him being gay. Now were cool and everything is like how it used to be. Though I did have the benefit of finding out after we had finished school.

Are you wrong for feeling upset? No. But give him time and space to see if he adjusts.

 

[AngryMongoose]

He sounds like a dick. You should stop being friends.

A general consensus amongst all my other friends is that it's a dick thing to do and I should stop being his friend. That's, honestly, what I plan on doing. Just, I don't know, maybe I wanted some group pity

Oh... Okay. There there. There there.

 

[Redlin5_v1legacy]

As a straight guy who found out suddenly his friend of many years was gay I'd say give him some time. I was a little awkward around him for a while and it did hurt some that he didn't feel comfortable telling me(I found out from another friend). It took me a bit to get used to the idea of him being gay. Now were cool and everything is like how it used to be. Though I did have the benefit of finding out after we had finished school.

Oh my gosh, who are you and how did you take my story?

In anycase, yeah that happened and it was awkward. Just give it time. We both realized that the only thing that changed was his sexuality, not who he was or how we could be friends. So we resumed being awesome gaming buddies although he never came on to me or anything. We're perfectly content to be two friends who like video games.

 

[manofwar618]

It

He's betrayed you. Plain and simple. He's not worth your time anymore and it's time to get a new best friend who understands your sexual orientation.

Bad way to see it. I was in your boat. Gay, came out, some close friends acted weird. I was hurt, confused, paranoid (did I only like him cause he was cute, am I scaring them off, etc etc)

It takes time to accept a fairly radical change in anyone no matter if it's "I'm gay" or "I'm pregnant" or "I'm going ot enter a Buddhist Monastery in Thailand"

I think Cid sees things in way to black and white and honestly, if all you can say is "OMG I was betrayed" you might be a bit of a jerk too.

Give him time. See if he ditches the BS macho crap and accepts you. If he keep doing it, well then Cid's advice becomes very valid and I concur, ditch the twit. But for gods sake don't just jump the gun and assume everyone is going to accept you 100% right from you prancing out of the closet. They won't.

To Cid, sorry if this seems harsh but I've seen a lot of friendships broken in the gay community for this line of thinking. True betrayal would be the best fried beating the shit outta the OP while screaming that the dirty ****** only wanted ot screw him. I've seen that happen. Time heals all wounds as the old saying goes and time is what this needs. And if the best friend doesn;t come around, let him go and just remember the good times and move on.

Oh it's not like this is some kind of sudden thing for him. He was the first person I came out to, back last November. If he had an issue, it would have been made apparent now. I think he's just cracking because some people "think" he's gay. Well, not to sound insensitive to his feelings, but everyone "knows" I'm gay, and not really anything's happened. I really think he's just afraid he'll be seen as less masculine. He's already pretty short, so I feel like it stacks on for him. I don't think this is a good way to react, but I can understand his thought proccess. I think he's just a mentally weaker person.

 

[Gaiseric]

As a straight guy who found out suddenly his friend of many years was gay I'd say give him some time. I was a little awkward around him for a while and it did hurt some that he didn't feel comfortable telling me(I found out from another friend). It took me a bit to get used to the idea of him being gay. Now were cool and everything is like how it used to be. Though I did have the benefit of finding out after we had finished school.

Oh my gosh, who are you and how did you take my story?

In anycase, yeah that happened and it was awkward. Just give it time. We both realized that the only thing that changed was his sexuality, not who he was or how we could be friends. So we resumed being awesome gaming buddies although he never came on to me or anything. We're perfectly content to be two friends who like video games.

Don't panic, I'm just stealing your life.

 

[Redlin5_v1legacy]

Don't panic, I'm just stealing your life.

Noooooo! Don't steal my life! I worked so hard to get one!