Another teen trouble topic

[MarcusD357]

Allow me to paint you a mental picture of what happened this afternoon.

My girlfriend and I were sat in my living room using each others iPod's to look through each others Facebook accounts. Whilst I was skimming through her news feed she got a new message, I informed her of this and handed her the iPod so that she could read and reply to it. She suddenly looked very worried when she saw the message and I asked why. She said that it was a message from someone that she had met on holiday a few months before I had started dating her. Apparently the two had had some sort of light, holiday "fling", but now he was replying to a message that she had sent him earlier in the day. The message that she had sent him was telling him about a sexy dream that she had of him the night before and his response was of a raucous, sexual nature.

My trouble is this: she had been sending sexual messages to an ex-boyfriend, he had been replying with equally explicit messages and she had tried to hide this matter from me.

So I put it to you, Escapee's, should I be worried about this? Should I cast it aside as a matter of unimportance? Or is there something else that I should do about it?

 

[Realitycrash]

How seriouse are you two? I generally only do such things if I am not officially in a "couple", i.e keep more than one option open. If you are seriouse, the yes, you should be worried and you really should have a talk with her about it. What's the point with having a relationship if she desires someone else? (And yes, flirting is desire).

 

[requisitename]

How seriouse are you two? I generally only do such things if I am not officially in a "couple", i.e keep more than one option open. If you are seriouse, the yes, you should be worried and you really should have a talk with her about it. What's the point with having a relationship if she desires someone else? (And yes, flirting is desire).

I have to respectfully disagree with your conclusion that flirting is desire. Some people (like me) do it unwittingly. What we think is being "nice" is taken by others as "flirting". I tend to draw a distinction between flirting with and hitting on someone. Hitting on someone indicates desire, whereas (in my opinion, of course), flirting is just a bit of fun.

OP: I'd talk to her about it. Tell her you're bothered. Try not to be accusative or defensive when you do so, tell her you're just trying to sort out where your relationship stands and such. Although I'd think it'd be obvious that sending a sexual message would net one in return, maybe it wasn't to her. Your description of how she acted after she got it says that she might not have expected something like that. Also, did she let you read the message she sent? If may not have been in the same vein at all.

At any rate, if after talking to her it continues, there's obviously a problem. A major problem in a lot of relationships is lack of communication in regards to what people expect from one another. If it's unclear, it can be pretty easy to cross lines you didn't know were there. Don't take that as me defending her, please. It's a general statement about relationships.

 

[manic_depressive13]

That's a creepy thing to do even outside of a relationship, let alone when you're with someone. If she has been expressing sexual desire for someone else she has essentially cheated on you. Just because she supposedly hasn't had penis-in-vagina sex with him since you two got together doesn't mean it isn't a massive betrayal of trust. Just... gross.

 

[Phasmal]

So I put it to you, Escapee's, should I be worried about this? Should I cast it aside as a matter of unimportance? Or is there something else that I should do about it?

Depends.
She didn't accidentally send a message to this dude. She contacted him, not the other way around. If I were you I might question how serious you are about this girl.
I seriously would not be okay with my boyfriend sending something like that to someone (but then again we've been together for nearly 3 years). Yeah, occasionally you'll have a dream about someone other than your partner, but you dont need to text them about it.
I'd probably have a conversation with her about the fact that it bothered you and if she acutally considers your relationship as exclusive and important.

If she has been expressing sexual desire for someone else she has essentially cheated on you.

I dunno, I wouldn't be so quick to whip out the `cheating` card. I mean, you dont really know how serious this relationship even is, and it sounds like the OP and this girl may have different ideas about that.