Any pointers on how to get on in life after a difficult breakup?

[Hamish Durie]

Now whats happend is my girlfriend and I have been going out for a year last month and last thursday I walked into her house to drop off some stuff and found her in bed with a good friend of mine shania (who is of thefemale gender).

so for all of you who havent read the paragraph above me, girlfriend and I have been in a long stable relationship and she had been harbouring her own secret and I found out the hard way.

(just for the record I have nothing agaisnt gays there just normal people in my eyes)

So some time has passed and I just dont know what to do with my life after this point.

Any advice escapist?


edit: this is the first real relationship that ethier of us had been in so......

 

[Heronblade]

I take it you've moved past the point of no return in leaving your girlfriend? I hate to see an otherwise stable relationship break up over something like this, at least not unless a repeating pattern of deception is involved.

Regardless, my advice would be to do something new to occupy your time and mind for a while before seeking out a new relationship. Start going to the gym, find a book series you like and get engrossed in it, whatever floats your particular boat.

Whatever happens, you cannot allow the relationship you've lost to dominate your life.

 

[The Night Angel]

The only piece of advice I'll give, is try to avoid going on the rebound. It's natural now, to want to find someone new straight away, as you haven't adjusted to being alone yet. But in my experience, it isn't a good idea. You start trying to shift your emotions for your ex onto the new person, and that isn't healthy. You have to be ready for another relationship, and you can't be before being over the last one.

 

[Phasmal]

Well, you say it was both of your first serious relationship, and those rarely ever work out long-term.

So, as for what to do now, just be happy in yourself. Do stuff you like to do. Allow yourself to be sad about it but don't feel like you need to jump into another relationship.
Take your time, make sure you are happy by yourself before getting into a new relationship.

(And try not to get bitter/paranoid, I've known some guys who got cheated on who let it wreck other relationships because they could not get over it).

 

[Heronblade]

I take it you've moved past the point of no return in leaving your girlfriend? I hate to see an otherwise stable relationship break up over something like this, at least not unless a repeating pattern of deception is involved.

"Other wise stable"? ...What the fuck? Shes fucking other people, thats reason enough to break up. Saying the relationship is otherwise stable is like saying the Nazi regime only invaded Poland and pulled off the holocaust but was otherwise peaceful.

Welcome to the realm of unreasonable jealousy.

It is entirely possible, and actually quite common, to genuinely and completely care for one person, yet feel sexual desire for more than just that one person. We're not wired right for exclusive monogamy. It is a mistake to act on that desire, and an even bigger mistake to keep it a secret. But unless you have reason to believe that the relationship isn't working out in other ways, one incident of this sort can be considered exactly that, a mistake, and be worked out. I did mean it when I said "one" however, repeats of such an incident are generally intolerable, since the spouse in that case shows that the pain caused last time doesn't matter enough.

 

[Heronblade]

Welcome to the realm of unreasonable jealousy.

Its hardly unreasonable.

We're not wired right for exclusive monogamy.

And we are also not wired to tolerate partners fucking around. We are wired to hit women and wired to kill men that step into our territory. I guess because we are wired that way, we should close both eyes when someone snaps and acts on his instincts?

Being "wired" one way or another is not relevant anymore. You can resist other primal urges, so you can resist the one that tries to get you into bed with other women or men. If you cant, you either do not care about the relationship you are in enough or you simply arent worth the heartache.

You chose to automatically condemn a person and situation that you know almost absolutely nothing about, that alone is unreasonable.

The point I was trying to make, but you apparently ignored, is not to say that infidelity is automatically excusable, but that a working and loving relationship can in many cases be salvaged in spite of it. In some cases such relationships are even stronger due to being tested.

I pity those that live in fear and suspicion of infidelity, because everyone is suspect, and it merely gets in the way of enjoying each other.

 

[Stu35]

Any pointers on how to get on in life after a difficult breakup?

Drink heavily. Shag everyone you come across, keep busy and don't think about the bird. Alternatively, listen to your HIM albums, cry and just generally be a miserable ****. Up to you really, although your friends will hate you less if you go for the former rather than the latter.


Honestly, painful break ups can only be dealt with your own way. Just don't become one of those weird stalker blokes.

I take it you've moved past the point of no return in leaving your girlfriend? I hate to see an otherwise stable relationship break up over something like this,

... Really?

Dude found his lass in bed with another lass. By most social conventions that's not exactly the equivalent of her accidentally throwing out his favourite T-shirt.

I'm not gonna get into the "we're wired this way and that way" argument, because personally I'm clearly genetically wired to go round beating the shit out of everyone weaker than me and take their women by force, however I am bound by social convention in those matters.

In his matter, he doesn't necessarily have to be bound by social convention, but you calling it "unreasonable jealousy" is, within the framework of our western society, simply not true for the majority of people - don't be high and mighty because you believe you're above it.


edit - just realised I said 'social convention' A LOT just then. Apologies for the repetition.

 

[Vault101]

you don't have to do anything

you'll get over it eventually

 

[ReadyAmyFire]

Shit happens, move on. Concentrate on your work and other aspects of your life and eventually you'll get over it without even realising.

 

[ottenni]

Do lots of cocaine

Ok thats probably bad advice, sleep with her best friend.

Or maybe not.

I know, play lots and lots of Skyrim. Its foolproof!

If that fails, cocaine.

 

[HouseOfSyn]

I don't think there's any easy way to get over something like that. I've never been cheated on but if I was there'd be no way in hell I'd even look at that person ever again, let alone consider taking them back into my life.

I had a pretty shitty break up about a year ago, she dumped me quite unceremoniously and was a cold ***** about it so I cut contact completely. I have too much pride to have any contact with someone who treated me with such disrespect after being in a relationship for 2 years. I still have heart-wrenching moments but that's normal.

Do lots of cocaine

Ok thats probably bad advice, sleep with her best friend.

Or maybe not.

I know, play lots and lots of Skyrim. Its foolproof!

If that fails, cocaine.

This helps, by all means be miserable but do that on your own time. See your friends and just do what makes you happy. Remember something you had to give up or something she didn't like? Do that. In copious amounts.

 

[Belaam]

Somewhat similar thing happened to me. Only my ex broke up with me in the coffee shop her new girlfriend work in, so I could meet her.

I spent some time hanging out with old friends and flirting with some new people. Slowly started joking about it. One night stand or two once I quit feeling bad about myself. Then about a year later, started dating the woman who is now my wife.

 

[Kinokohatake]

Now whats happend is my girlfriend and I have been going out for a year last month and last thursday I walked into her house to drop off some stuff and found her in bed with a good friend of mine shania (who is of thefemale gender).

so for all of you who havent read the paragraph above me, girlfriend and I have been in a long stable relationship and she had been harbouring her own secret and I found out the hard way.

(just for the record I have nothing agaisnt gays there just normal people in my eyes)

So some time has passed and I just dont know what to do with my life after this point.

Any advice escapist?


edit: this is the first real relationship that ethier of us had been in so......

Is she out? You could always post about it on her facebook. FYI revenge feels AMAZING. Also, I'm a dick so you probably shouldn't listen to me.

 

[AngloDoom]

Socialise with your friends. Staying inside and dwelling on your own thoughts is, for many people, absolutely poisonous. If someone invites you out to something, go to it even if you don't initially want to.

If you have a friend to open up to, that's pretty good too. Otherwise, just do things that absorb you that you find enjoyable: play a video-game, learn a language, cook your favourite meal ninety-eight times, whatever makes you smile. A friend of mine makes mashed-potato when she's stressed.

 

[wooty]

When I broke up with my ex, this was the answer.
Shortly followed by the girl who was serving me them all night.

[http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/99/18061816638228007491412.jpg/]