Assassin's Creed 2 has manifested itself into book form.
My brother and I bought it for a laugh and at first glance, it would appear that it resembles a 300 page user manual backstory, fleshing out the antics of our favourite Italian Stallion 'Ezio de Auditore de Firenze de On with de Bodycount' but without the control settings or game credits.
You are probably thinking "I don't have the time/inclination/boredom threshold to read the operating manual, let alone a mammoth tome like this, I need to go kill some sh*t" and I hear you brother but give her a little try and you may be pleasantly surprised once you get into it.
It's not bad how it covers the key points of the game plot wise (there is a similar dynamic to the game, with the rest of the Auditore family cropping up and the protagonists are suitably oily, justifiably crying out for a flanged mace across their smug chops).
In the action stakes it is also very similar to the game, like when Ezio is running across rooftops, jumping into haystacks (Christ, that must have been difficult to crowbar into the story), pickpocketing, hanging out in clandestine activity with a bevy of hookers but it does leave me sometimes with a nostalgic sense of wanting to play the game again, rather than wade through the prose in order to find all the "juicy bits", like when Ezio decides to go on a murderous guard mashing rampage in the name of light entertainment.
So in conclusion, I would say that every so often the book tastes of win and that it achieves a respectable three and a half hidden blades out of five - Uncle Mario would be proud.
One other point worth mentioning is that it does seem to be sorely lacking some torrid love scenes to compliment all the action, red wine quaffing and violence.
I thought I would therefore have a go at rewriting it as a romantic Mills & Boonsesque thriller/love story - here's an excerpt:-
'Ezio caressed her soft, yielding flesh like a baker kneading a freshly baked, olive ciabatta loaf, whilst gently but firmly stabbing the medici family in the face.'
Does anybody else have a game they would like to see as a book? And if so then what would the opening line be? Perhaps we can help take the series in a whole new direction!
Here is another example:-
Dead 'Office' Space - Having survived the terrible events in space a year ago, Issac Clarke has to get to grips with life as a computer repairman fixing hard drives, now that he has vanquished the terrible alien zombiespawn.
But suddenly a computer virus becomes airborne, turning everyone into alien pod people.
Isaac must use his wits, computer repair skills and best friend (who happens to be a talking toaster) to save the day, save the president, save his little girl and maybe you, if he is not pulling down an overtime shift.
Looks like the world just hit a bad sector.
Opening line:-
Isaac:- They told me it was over, that I could have a normal life. No more sawing off mandibles in the name of strategic dismemberment. No more screaming people trying to eat my face off. No more people leaving bloodied message scrawled across the wall in their own intestines. They were wrong - people underestimate how many computer related deaths are caused simply by a user not being able to work out how to turn on a computer until they explode into an angry frenzy. My name is Isaac Clarke, I work for PC World and this is my story.
Over to you guys and gals - let the tournament commence, let's hear some other opening lines to games you want made into books!
My brother and I bought it for a laugh and at first glance, it would appear that it resembles a 300 page user manual backstory, fleshing out the antics of our favourite Italian Stallion 'Ezio de Auditore de Firenze de On with de Bodycount' but without the control settings or game credits.
You are probably thinking "I don't have the time/inclination/boredom threshold to read the operating manual, let alone a mammoth tome like this, I need to go kill some sh*t" and I hear you brother but give her a little try and you may be pleasantly surprised once you get into it.
It's not bad how it covers the key points of the game plot wise (there is a similar dynamic to the game, with the rest of the Auditore family cropping up and the protagonists are suitably oily, justifiably crying out for a flanged mace across their smug chops).
In the action stakes it is also very similar to the game, like when Ezio is running across rooftops, jumping into haystacks (Christ, that must have been difficult to crowbar into the story), pickpocketing, hanging out in clandestine activity with a bevy of hookers but it does leave me sometimes with a nostalgic sense of wanting to play the game again, rather than wade through the prose in order to find all the "juicy bits", like when Ezio decides to go on a murderous guard mashing rampage in the name of light entertainment.
So in conclusion, I would say that every so often the book tastes of win and that it achieves a respectable three and a half hidden blades out of five - Uncle Mario would be proud.
One other point worth mentioning is that it does seem to be sorely lacking some torrid love scenes to compliment all the action, red wine quaffing and violence.
I thought I would therefore have a go at rewriting it as a romantic Mills & Boonsesque thriller/love story - here's an excerpt:-
'Ezio caressed her soft, yielding flesh like a baker kneading a freshly baked, olive ciabatta loaf, whilst gently but firmly stabbing the medici family in the face.'
Does anybody else have a game they would like to see as a book? And if so then what would the opening line be? Perhaps we can help take the series in a whole new direction!
Here is another example:-
Dead 'Office' Space - Having survived the terrible events in space a year ago, Issac Clarke has to get to grips with life as a computer repairman fixing hard drives, now that he has vanquished the terrible alien zombiespawn.
But suddenly a computer virus becomes airborne, turning everyone into alien pod people.
Isaac must use his wits, computer repair skills and best friend (who happens to be a talking toaster) to save the day, save the president, save his little girl and maybe you, if he is not pulling down an overtime shift.
Looks like the world just hit a bad sector.
Opening line:-
Isaac:- They told me it was over, that I could have a normal life. No more sawing off mandibles in the name of strategic dismemberment. No more screaming people trying to eat my face off. No more people leaving bloodied message scrawled across the wall in their own intestines. They were wrong - people underestimate how many computer related deaths are caused simply by a user not being able to work out how to turn on a computer until they explode into an angry frenzy. My name is Isaac Clarke, I work for PC World and this is my story.
Over to you guys and gals - let the tournament commence, let's hear some other opening lines to games you want made into books!
