'The Wheelman' is a truly impossible game to hate. No matter how much you can grimace at its laughably burly mission statements - culminating in the magnificent 'Get the Astra' - the game has a perfect defense to bribe you with. It will make you Vin Diesel.
Whether or not possession of such an avatar is a desirable pursuit is entirely at the players discretion, bit I will advise this - you can be Vin Diesel. The man who can physically headbutt metaphysical concepts. Whereas 'Escape From Butcher Bay' may have given you the homoerotic pleasure of playing as Riddick this is the first videogame in history to offer a fully representational Vin Diesel experience. It's one step away from being a simulator. You will jump from an exploding Maserati onto a shiny, new articulated lorry. You will fly off a ramp on a motorcycle in slow motion - only to turn around mid-air to shoot the handily labeled petrol tanks of the pursuing Rent-a-bike-baddies. This will conclude with a thirty second on-foot sequence in which you (Vin, for it is he) will vanquish thirty million AI-less, exploding barrel attracted mannequins using a potent combination of constant machine-gun fire and Dieseltude.
A less Vin-centric reviewer might at this stage interject to inform the reader that these feats are the only things to be beheld in this videogame, and that you (Vin, for it is he) will be expected to repeat them at a volume approaching the infamous 'Eavesdrop' missions in 'Assassins Creed'. They might also go on to point out the hackneyed-to-the-point-of-not-being-funny inclusion of such videogame trope favourites as the exploding barrel or the go-here-blow-this-up/kill-these-assholes nature of every single mission. Comparisons may be (and have been) drawn between this and the '50 Cent' simulator 'Blood on the Sand' and the position may be taken that this is also attempting to dog that games so-bad-it's-good mantra - only that this fails. One thing I would interject at this point - Why the fuck would I want to be "Fiddy Cent" when I could be "The Diesel"?
It could also be humorously implied that the game attempts at every turn to make Vin appear as homosexual as possible. Barely a moment goes by without Vin garbing himself in an uncomfortably tight and bicep-exposing t-shirt. Then there's THAT scooter chase - and lets not even mention the Smart car. Funnier still is the crouching animation, which makes Vin (for it is he) looks like he's attempting to expel a light bulb from his dietary tract without breaking it.
But I wouldn't remark on any of this. I would remark on how it attempts (and partially succeeds) to recreate the cheesy thrill of the Brosnan era of the 'Bond Car Chase'. Melon stands and entire bus-stops vanish in a cloud of realistically modeled debris. Whichever car you posses seems to undergo an instant speed and armour upgrade the moment you (Vin, for it is he) grace it with your presence. Then there's the Bond/Bourne/XXX soundtrack which perfectly matches the kind of realism-less car chase scenes of yore. Just don't go in expecting a game of any depth or artistic merit. Go instead expecting a Vintastic explosion-fest in which you're expected to do no more than keep your finger on 'Accelerate' at all times and you won't come away disappointed (well... slightly less so).
Might I just add? You will be Vin fucking Diesel.
For it is he.
Whether or not possession of such an avatar is a desirable pursuit is entirely at the players discretion, bit I will advise this - you can be Vin Diesel. The man who can physically headbutt metaphysical concepts. Whereas 'Escape From Butcher Bay' may have given you the homoerotic pleasure of playing as Riddick this is the first videogame in history to offer a fully representational Vin Diesel experience. It's one step away from being a simulator. You will jump from an exploding Maserati onto a shiny, new articulated lorry. You will fly off a ramp on a motorcycle in slow motion - only to turn around mid-air to shoot the handily labeled petrol tanks of the pursuing Rent-a-bike-baddies. This will conclude with a thirty second on-foot sequence in which you (Vin, for it is he) will vanquish thirty million AI-less, exploding barrel attracted mannequins using a potent combination of constant machine-gun fire and Dieseltude.
A less Vin-centric reviewer might at this stage interject to inform the reader that these feats are the only things to be beheld in this videogame, and that you (Vin, for it is he) will be expected to repeat them at a volume approaching the infamous 'Eavesdrop' missions in 'Assassins Creed'. They might also go on to point out the hackneyed-to-the-point-of-not-being-funny inclusion of such videogame trope favourites as the exploding barrel or the go-here-blow-this-up/kill-these-assholes nature of every single mission. Comparisons may be (and have been) drawn between this and the '50 Cent' simulator 'Blood on the Sand' and the position may be taken that this is also attempting to dog that games so-bad-it's-good mantra - only that this fails. One thing I would interject at this point - Why the fuck would I want to be "Fiddy Cent" when I could be "The Diesel"?
It could also be humorously implied that the game attempts at every turn to make Vin appear as homosexual as possible. Barely a moment goes by without Vin garbing himself in an uncomfortably tight and bicep-exposing t-shirt. Then there's THAT scooter chase - and lets not even mention the Smart car. Funnier still is the crouching animation, which makes Vin (for it is he) looks like he's attempting to expel a light bulb from his dietary tract without breaking it.
But I wouldn't remark on any of this. I would remark on how it attempts (and partially succeeds) to recreate the cheesy thrill of the Brosnan era of the 'Bond Car Chase'. Melon stands and entire bus-stops vanish in a cloud of realistically modeled debris. Whichever car you posses seems to undergo an instant speed and armour upgrade the moment you (Vin, for it is he) grace it with your presence. Then there's the Bond/Bourne/XXX soundtrack which perfectly matches the kind of realism-less car chase scenes of yore. Just don't go in expecting a game of any depth or artistic merit. Go instead expecting a Vintastic explosion-fest in which you're expected to do no more than keep your finger on 'Accelerate' at all times and you won't come away disappointed (well... slightly less so).
Might I just add? You will be Vin fucking Diesel.
For it is he.
