Bringing an online relationship into a real life setting. Question for men.

[Fern Williams]

I met my boy friend on World of Warcraft and we were friends for about 3 years in the game. During most of this 3 year time we were only friends, however he had been trying to get me to break up with my boy friend at the time to pursue a relationship with him. He tried for 3 years to get me to give him a chance. He never gave up and didn't seriously date anyone else during this time. Me and my ex ended up breaking up about 3 months ago and he saw this as his golden chance to start something with me. We started dating and about one month into dating online he got this idea I should move to NY and live with him. In short this meant giving up school,a pretty good paying job and being with my grandma who is sick. Since I had decided at this point that I was in love with him and wanted to give things a real chance a month later I moved. I have now been in NY for 2 days living 600 miles away from the place I use to call home. I am happy and still love him more then ever but hears the thing, he is acting different then what i thought he would. He used to send me the sweetest text messages saying things like I was his dream and how happy he was and how much he loved me. Well he has never been a vocal person so he doesn't express this stuff out loud but when he is at work he dose text me. The text message are never about how much he loves me and how happy he is. Its other stuff that's important don't get me wrong but its never romantic. He is touchy feely an kisses me a lot. He smiles at me and jokes with me but never says anything about how he feels. To give you guys some back ground I have been walked over and screwed over by every guy i have ever been with. So in my messed up head since he isn't telling me these things maybe he doesn't feel them. I keep asking him if he loves me, wants to be with me, if he is happy. He responds with of course or sure. Answers that don't really sooth my worries really. He says I worry to much and I have nothing to worry about. So what I am trying to ask is dose he seem to want me here and love me? Its fully possible that I just don't understand men. My main fear is that he is not being honest with me and that the only reason he brought me hear was because I gave up so much just to try to make this work. However it would be easy for me to rebuild so im kind of hopeing he would just be honest if he didn't want me now. Maybe im just being a silly girl and just expecting him to screw me over like everyone else in my life has. Please give your thoughts and advice. Ty all

 

[Dyme]

Often times showing love doesn't happen with words.

For example, I got this as a gift once.

Kept me entertained for hours!
A thousand times stronger than "I love you".


You should be able to tell the difference between if he really loves you/cares for you/is interested in you or if he just wants you for sex etc.
Even if he isn't too communicative.


This advice probably wont really help, but it gave me the opportunity to post this thing that can walk downstairs.

 

[Proteus214]

People tend to express affection differently depending on the context. I know that I would have a different way of expressing affection to someone who is 600 miles away as opposed to someone who is sitting right next to me or someone that I will be seeing in person as soon as I get home from work.

Guys also tend to be more pragmatic about the ways in which they express their affection, which can evolve as time goes on and the situation changes.

 

[Hop-along Nussbaum]

Guys will only screw you over if you let them, my friend. Stand up for yourself, right from the start. Let anyone who wants to get close to you know, right away, that you have high standards and expect to be treated properly. If they can't measure up, get rid of them.

You are a person, and have value. And it is the responsibility of anyone who wants to be in your life to SEE that value, as a person, a friend, a girlfriend, confidant, wife, etc. It's not up to you to have to constantly demonstrate that. If they can't figure out that you have value as a person, then screw them.

Also, please do not allow yourself to fall into the role of the girl who likes men who treat her badly. If you don't stand for it, it will happen less often.

You are a woman. Therefore, you have the power to decide who you allow in your life. You have heard the expression that "men are like dogs"? It's not entirely incorrect. They are always sniffing around, and not all of them can be trusted. But if they are worth having, they'll treat you properly and be in it for the "long haul".

 

[Gunner_Guardian]

From the sound of things, it sounds like both of you really longed to be together and constantly texted each other to make up for the far distance. But now your right next to him, he knows he'll see you at home every day and thus is happy about it however you're missing that constantly affection he gave to make up for the distance.

There's a really simple solution for this problem, just talk to your boyfriend about it. Explain your feelings to him, if he's a nice guy trust me he'll understand and explain his end. Guys also expect confrontation about issues like this, your boyfriend isn't psychic, unless you tell him this problem he isn't going to fix it.

 

[The Man With the Soap]

I met my boy friend on World of Warcraft and we were friends for about 3 years in the game. During most of this 3 year time we were only friends, however he had been trying to get me to break up with my boy friend at the time to pursue a relationship with him. He tried for 3 years to get me to give him a chance. He never gave up and didn't seriously date anyone else during this time. Me and my ex ended up breaking up about 3 months ago and he saw this as his golden chance to start something with me. We started dating and about one month into dating online he got this idea I should move to NY and live with him. In short this meant giving up school,a pretty good paying job and being with my grandma who is sick. Since I had decided at this point that I was in love with him and wanted to give things a real chance a month later I moved. I have now been in NY for 2 days living 600 miles away from the place I use to call home. I am happy and still love him more then ever but hears the thing, he is acting different then what i thought he would. He used to send me the sweetest text messages saying things like I was his dream and how happy he was and how much he loved me. Well he has never been a vocal person so he doesn't express this stuff out loud but when he is at work he dose text me. The text message are never about how much he loves me and how happy he is. Its other stuff that's important don't get me wrong but its never romantic. He is touchy feely an kisses me a lot. He smiles at me and jokes with me but never says anything about how he feels. To give you guys some back ground I have been walked over and screwed over by every guy i have ever been with. So in my messed up head since he isn't telling me these things maybe he doesn't feel them. I keep asking him if he loves me, wants to be with me, if he is happy. He responds with of course or sure. Answers that don't really sooth my worries really. He says I worry to much and I have nothing to worry about. So what I am trying to ask is dose he seem to want me here and love me? Its fully possible that I just don't understand men. My main fear is that he is not being honest with me and that the only reason he brought me hear was because I gave up so much just to try to make this work. However it would be easy for me to rebuild so im kind of hopeing he would just be honest if he didn't want me now. Maybe im just being a silly girl and just expecting him to screw me over like everyone else in my life has. Please give your thoughts and advice. Ty all

I would er on the side of caution. Giving up school and a job to be with him puts you in a precarious situation. You should make sure that you have a job and a means to support yourself in case this thing does not work out. You don't want to become dependent on him.

Also, the fact that he has changed his behavior so much in the two days that you have been there is a warning sign to me. I think you may have rushed into this too quickly, and you might want to consider moving back home and finishing school.

 

[Dark Knifer]

I met my boy friend on World of Warcraft

If you will allow me to be brutally honest with you, this is probably the catalyst of the problem. When you haven't met somebody face-to-face, you don't see the subtle but important facets of their personality which can affect a relationship, whether it be platonic or romantic. As such, it's a lot easier to idealise somebody, and frankly, that's what it sounds like here. You've both idealised each other, and perhaps he hasn't found you to be everything he was expecting. This is not necessarily (and probably not at all) a fault of your own personality, but instead of the circumstances in which you met. While I'm not a good example for any matter of this calibre - I have significant psychological problems linked to romance and physical love - I will say that until I've met a internet acquaintance in the flesh, I don't consider them to be a real person.

If I may, my best friend has been dating someone online for 9 months or so. They are really, really, really in love. Like they would die for each other love. I used to think that they idealized each other but I've heard them both talking and it really sounds genuine. They also know everything about each other. Basically what I'm saying is that it's possible for online relationships to work out.

Anyways, maybe just try talking to him about it if it bothers you. Not in a confronting way but talk to him about it. If he's fine to talk about it then that is a good sign.

 

[Aurgelmir]

SNIP

So here is what I think:
When you were not close physically his only way to show how he cares is to actually tell you these things. But now that you are closer physically he might feel that he is showing it more, rather than telling you.

In my experience people act different online and in real life, so you sometimes might be a bit shocked when you meet a person for the first time...

Anyways, he probably still have the same feelings for you as he did before, so hang in there.

 

[Kenami]

How old are you two? This isn't as an insult but I feel with that knowledge I can give better advice (for example I'd give different advice to someone whose 20 than somebody who is 16).

 

[Fern Williams]

How old are you two? This isn't as an insult but I feel with that knowledge I can give better advice (for example I'd give different advice to someone whose 20 than somebody who is 16).

I am 23 and he is 34. So there is a bit of an age difference between us.
I also want to thank everyone who has posted so far on this. Your advice has been very helpful
so far ^.^ It has given me a lot to think on.

 

[Kenami]

How old are you two? This isn't as an insult but I feel with that knowledge I can give better advice (for example I'd give different advice to someone whose 20 than somebody who is 16).

I am 23 and he is 34. So there is a bit of an age difference between us.
I also want to thank everyone who has posted so far on this. Your advice has been very helpful
so far ^.^ It has given me a lot to think on.

In that case I'd say as an adult you made a serious life altering choice. You can always go back to school so that's not a terrible thing to leave it now (depending on how close you were to graduating) but I'm going to assume you weren't happy with the current state of your life and wanted something new. Hence leading you to go live with him. With his age (by the way I do not find anything bad or odd about the age gap you guys have) he most likely either 1. is sure about what he wants for his future or 2. is living life as it comes to him.

Asking you to come move in with him is a BIG deal. A lot of sacrifices are made with a decision like that. It seems from everything you've told us that he's simply adjusting. He probably doesn't do the sweet textes anymore because he feels when he's with you in person it compensates for that. I do wish you guys luck and hope you have a happy life together. This world can be really hard but one thing I feel that makes it easier is someone to share the struggles and strife with.

 

[Nebraskaslim]

I may not be the best person to chime in on this but But I will say be very open on things that are concerning you such as his seeming lack of communication. Reason I say this is beacuse I was once in his shoes. I honestly thought I was doing a better job of showing affection than I was in the texts and phone calls, found out I was wrong on that one.

If you let it become something that irritates you it'll fester and become resentment. Open communication about expectaions is very important in a relationship especially one that started without face to face contact.

Things dind't work out for me but mine was a wierd situation all around I wish you two luck.

 

[SiskoBlue]

I think he hasn't been honest with himself. Lots of people, particular gamers, have a brilliant ability to fantasise. I think he's been building up a fantasy of you and the possibility of a relationship for so long he might not have a realistic picture in his head any more.

So when you really did start a relationship it brought him back down to earth. Firstly, the fact that nothing's perfect except in your head. Also his relationship with you has been when he's in the mood to talk to you, relaxing and playing WoW. Now you're right there. While he's busy doing other things. It's throwing him off balance.

Now that doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It doesn't mean the relationship can't work, but it is going to take work. You might just have to be patient so he can adjust to this new reality. Give him the freedom to do things he normally would. He may be feeling responsible for you and afraid to do whatever he normally wants to do because he feels it's expected of him.

I'm hoping he is not the only reason you moved to NYC. If you can show him you're happy being there regardless of him it might take the pressure off him.

But talk, talk, talk. Don't pressure him into answering questions but just ask him gently and see if he'll open up about it. Maybe he just has trouble expressing affection face to face?