[HEADING=1]A Review of Society, via Call of Duty 4[/HEADING]
I'm rested, doing great and my head no longer feels like it's filled with fire and scorpions.
My Man Flu has, thankfully, gone.
My Man Flu has, thankfully, gone.
Whilst on hiatus, in between eating aspirin like smarties and generally sulking, I have found the time to compile an index of all my posts and I noticed that I've been reviewing a lot of films recently.
It made me think that, in the words of Monty Python, it was time for something completely different.
It's also come to my attention that Modern Warfare II will be released soon.
And by that I mean I've been continuously pounded about the skull with the advertising brick, what with it's "Game of the Year" prospects being engraved onto every available flat surface for quite some time now and all.
It's reminded me that Call of Duty 4 is one of my favourite online games and this will, sadly, point it in the general direction of retirement.
People will still play it, don't get me wrong, but this is the first step in putting the game to pasture.
So in recognition of my enjoyment of the game, of the hours of bliss it's given me and, indeed, many others, I thought I'd write a review on the subject.
I'm sure the subject feels honoured.
So, ideas came to me.
I jotted a few quotes down, played some COD online, traipsed through the tastier levels again (especially Ghillies in the Mist, which is how single player stealth needs to be done in every game, ever) and generally had a great time with it.
The only problem was... well... it's a tiny, niggling, teensy little thing really...
It's been reviewed to fucking death.
Okay, normally I am more than willing to jump on the bandwagon- the superficial attention whore that I am- but this is a game that I've had an inappropriate amount of fun with and I wanted to do something different.
So I did some more thinking.
I thought back to my childhood, and how I saw people back then: basically nice, always willing to smile if you smiled at them and, for some reason, not to accept any sweeties if they offer.
But then puberty hit me like a wrecking ball, and my world of rainbows and kittens was taken away in lieu of one startling, clear fact:
People are only honest when they are online.
When people have complete anonymity, when there are almost no consequences to their words or actions people will behave and act naturally.
You know, like idiots.
Not a terribly happy picture to paint of humanity, I'll admit, but it's undeniably true.
Anyway, long story short I have decided to review you, The Scruffy Public, when you are at your most honest - when you are playing Call of Duty.
For privacy reasons, I cannot reveal/remember the usernames of the people quoted. I can, however, assure you that they are completely genuine.
Hell, I really wish I could make some of these up.
[HEADING=2]"My stepsister is HOT, man. I don't know if that's it incest or not, but she fucking is!"[/HEADING][small]Whatever look is on your face right now, I had the exact same one back then.[/small]
My usual readers (both of them) will know that this is usually the point where I discuss the characters in a game/film/book/porno.
Seeing as in this instance there are say, ohhh, three to four billion of you, you'll have to forgive me for catagorising you a little.
Assault Pricks: Giggling psychopaths. Usually run into rooms chock full of enemies who are more than willing to treat them to a hot lead facial.
SMG Whores: Same as above, just faster.
LMG 'Tards: People who fail to realise that a big, mighty piece of hardware visible onscreen will not compensate for anything else.
Shotgun Slags: "BANG! He's dead. BANG! He's dead." Tend to run into hurdles when the opponent is more than arm's length away, whereupon the would-be victim will very-much shaft them.
Sniper Tossers: My favourite class to play, but don't get me wrong, I hate us sniper scum too. Usually people with limited social abilities, living out their sick voyueristic fantasies before putting prey out of their misery from a mile away.
Severely allergic to fun.
These are the main categories. There are sub-categories too, such as the Martyrdom/Last Stand Cheapskates. This is basically declaring: "Hello world, I know you've just killed me fair and square but here is a mechanism that will force you to break cover, get shot and generally break the entire fucking game.
Have a nice day."
There are also The Campers.
See also, Grenade Spamfucks: Three grenades, thrown randomly in different directions in the hope that something will die. Hopefully the enemy and not someone's beloved dog, as if they are playing the world's deadliest game of fetch.
Lastly I want to make mention of the people who use the Eavesdrop perk.
Congratulations, you are using the most useless thing ever concocted by anyone, ever.
The most anyone talks about in normal games is how they should have got that kill and how the other person is cheating because this didn't happen. Either that or, as I've mentioned, how much they fancy their siblings.
In any case, not the kind of hot intel that turns the tide of war.
Anyway, now that I have you nice and generalised I can say that there really is a lot of opportunity to vary your play style. Some people really are in the spirit of the game, will laugh when they get killed and applaud themselves for doing well.
Others are more serious, keeping quiet and concentrated and having a great time in their own little world.
Then, there are others... let's call them Shitcocks [http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2004/3/19/].
They will shout, disrupt, attack other players and generally behave like idiots.
Unfortunately they cannot be executed for bringing down the human race in general. I keep asking about it whenever I see any constables in town.
The last answer was: "Sir, stop wasting Police time or we will arrest you."
[HEADING=2]"Ah buh-lieve ah can fly, ah buh-lieve ah can touch the sky..."[/HEADING][small]Stop playing Call of Duty and buy Singstar, you fool.[/small]
A test containing questions like "Am I a wanker?", "When I lose will I treat it like the game it is, or will I behave like I am playing for a kidney for my dying child?" and, one that is urgently needed, "Does this mean I can sing?"- to which checking the "yes" box makes for an instant, epic fail.
Having a headset gives people the opportunity to be someone they can't be in real life.
Some want to shock with language and political opinions, but believe it or not being racist in a game does not make you an "edgy character".
Using the word "Jew" as an adjective doesn't mean you are some revolutionary putting a middle finger up to political correctness.
Please allow me to pop your White Power bubble with the red-hot poker of common sense: We are here to unwind, not to hear your rendition of Mein Kampf.
Oh, and while I'm at it- No, we don't want to hear your fucking impressions.
Anyone can do Cartman, everyone has done Cartman, and it wasn't funny then either.
And for all of you vacuous troglodytes out there who chant things: stop chanting things.
That is all.
The thing is with Shithead Syndrome is that it's contagious.
Of course you can't ignore the whiny tosser who's purposely annoying everyone. You could use the mute button, but then you won't hear what the tool is saying.
Before you know it you've been roped in, trading insults with a thirteen year old and making everyone else roll their eyes in disgust.
But it's okay, I have compiled a list of comebacks to use against The Unwashed Masses.
"Yeah just keep talking mate, you're giving me an erection."
"Nice friends list, it's... uh... compact."
"That condom in your wallet - past it's expiry date yet?"
"Let me guess, Daddy touches you?"
The classic, of course, is "I've had your mum", or words to that effect. The recipient will, without fail, say that their mum is dead.
She's not dead, she's fine. Trust me.
Simply explain how strange you thought it was that she didn't move much during the act, and how her demise explains this.
Also, if it is true, it's even funnier.
I've also come to notice that these sins are usually performed by people without the imagination to think of a tag that hasn't been taken yet.
I would like, if I may, to take you through the thought process of the average idiot while they attempt to choose a username.
"Okay, I need a really vague sounding word that might be relevant if no one looks too hard.
Oh, and I'd better make it as obscure as possible because all the good words in the entire English language have been taken.
Okay, great! Now jam some numbers in for some reason. Oh, just in case anyone finds it in the least bit legible I better cake it in symbols too... ah, there it is - (_=-R3V3R3NZ3-=_)!
My God, that's perfect! I am now going to celebrate by fondling the dog."
Congratulations, you are now one of Them.
[HEADING=2]"Aw man, that's absolute bullcrap!"[/HEADING][small]An excercise in controlled profanity.[/small]
Okay, let's try to add some objectivity to this cocktail of cynisism and nihilistic fury.
Well, I better start off by telling you a little bit about the game, I suppose.
Imagine, if you will, the Activision board room.
In this board room there are many serious men, all in suits.
The man at the head of table says, in a raspy voice: "My spoiled, illegitimate brats keep talking to me. Help.".
Another man, rather skinny and new at the table, decides that now is his time to speak- "Well, I've been tossing around this idea... maybe we should digitise heroine?".
And this is how Call of Duty 4 multiplayer was born.
It's addictive.
You'll crave each game, the entrance lobby goes on way too long- i.e there is one- and when you aren't playing you'll get withdrawal symptoms.
I'll leave it at that seeing as you've got the game, you've played the game and you probably love the game.
If you don't have Live yet then be forewarned: It will eat you.
We now return to your regularly scheduled program.
You really do meet some truly decent people out there.
Not people you would lend you Tupperware to, obviously, but people who are up for a laugh like yourself.
I've lost count of the people I've talked to once, befriended, then forgotten within a week and felt too embarrassed to ask who they are.
There's also your real life friends who have bought the same system as you. You'll get together, maybe even form a clan.
I'm in one, actually. We don't do much, it's basically just to proclaim to the world that I do, indeed, have friends.
There are also times in work when you will discover that colleagues have the same game you have. This can be slightly uncomfortable.
"Sorry, I just overheard that you have an Xbox."
"Yeah, that's right."
"You online?"
"Yeah!"
"You... Don't like COD 4 do you?"
"Are you kidding?! It's my favourite game!"
"-gasp!- Mine too!"
"Oh-Em-Gee, we, like, totally have to play together!"
"Totally!"
And then nothing happens.
This is because they have a life and you do not. Hours go by and they don't come online.
For the next few weeks you avoid your colleague and spread the rumour that he is a transvestite.
Ahem.
Anyway, the upshot to this arrangement is that you will come to understand your friend's tactics and learn to work in perfect harmony with them.
You'll cover them without thinking, they'll knife a guy in the bollocks for you and you'll generally look out for one another.
With two people this is fine, it's just when you get together in a group that you become "Them".
You know what I mean, sometimes when I see a perfect row of clantags on a team I just think there might as well be a sign that reads "Welcome to Bumrape Boulevard".
If you lose then you're treated to proclamations of "Hell Yeah!", "That's how we roll, baby!", and a whole host of other phrases that should not be uttered by bored white men.
If you win, then every single one of them will chastise you for some vague thing you did wrong during the match- maybe you were seen within the vicinity of a grenade launcher at some point, a weapon deemed "n00b" even though throwing grenades in random directions is "teh hradcroez", or whatever the current vernacular is.
You've probably noticed by now that there is a distinctive lack of a female presence in this review.
I have never had any issues with women online, apart from that "misunderstanding" a while ago... but that's unrelated and the charges were dropped, damnit.
Come to think of it I've only ever heard women use their headsets a handful of times - whether this says more about them as gamers, or us as toolboxes, I've yet to decide.
[HEADING=2]"-Snigger- Yeah, that was a sweet kill. I RULE!"[/HEADING][small]An insufferable sniper dipshit.
Okay, it was me.[/small]
Throughout the review I've referred to the troublemakers as "Them", but let's face it, we've all done it from time to time.
I know I have, I'm not a God. I've come to accept that now.
In no way am I saying there should be a system to punish those who commit the slightest transgression, but maybe we should pay a little more attention to what we say, and only annoy people if they really, really deserve it.
So, The Verdict? People suck.
There are good guys and gals out there, but it's like wading through dogshit for diamonds.
If you want my opinion - I know you don't but fuck it, you've come this far - we should all be locked in separate rooms for our own safety.
And then the keys should be lost.
If you agree or disagree with anything I have said in this review, please feel free to argue it amongst yourselves in a futile attempt to convince strangers as stubborn as yourself that you are right. Then you can leave with feelings more extreme than when you started.
That's just the way people are when they're at their most honest.
--
Aw, c'mon - let's not end on a low note!
I've noticed recently that quite a few people are doing these One Sentence Reviews, the Maestro being, of course, Fniff.
I'm actually rather fond of them; they're short, sharp and punchy. Also my attention span is atrociously short, so they appeal to me.
I've been thinking of doing a few but, as you might have noticed, I like writing. I can't possibly justify condensing my literary diarrhea into one simple line.
So mark this day on your calender, gentle reader, as the first time you ever read a Review Haiku.
Let us start off what is sure to be described by critics as "something that happened" by musing 'pon Timur Bekmambetov's Night Watch.
One more vampire film,
Actually pretty good.
Not fucking Twilight.
And that, I'm sure you'll agree, was something completely different.
___________________________________________________________________________________
Can't sleep? Me either.
Film: The Departed [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.149527] / Star Trek 2009 [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.149058#3470961] / A review of Love Happens (Without seeing it first) [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.148846#3460365] / Inglourious Basterds [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.147977#3420043] / Fight Club Essay [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.147655#3403751] / District 9 [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.147097#3373011] / The Crow 4: Wicked Prayer [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.137348#3089948]
Game: Resident Evil 4 Retrospective [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.148447#3440710] / Mass Effect [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.145571#3296970] / Final Fantasy: Dissidea [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.144913#3266704] / Metal Gear Solid Twin Snakes [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.140353#3149506] / Far Cry 2 [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.139317#3129015] / Street Fighter IV [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.136868#3079685]
Other: A review of My Cat [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.146281#3332788]
Game: Resident Evil 4 Retrospective [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.148447#3440710] / Mass Effect [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.145571#3296970] / Final Fantasy: Dissidea [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.144913#3266704] / Metal Gear Solid Twin Snakes [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.140353#3149506] / Far Cry 2 [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.139317#3129015] / Street Fighter IV [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.136868#3079685]
Other: A review of My Cat [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.146281#3332788]
