chapter 1 part 1

[kingkillion]

Chapter 1

Entering the lone alleyway, the water of the dripping from the fire ladders creates an ominous sound, while the stench caused by the endless amounts of rotting garbage fills the air. The walls of the alley were covered in graffiti; there was a single sign light that illuminated the small stairway. Walking towards the small stairwell at the entrance to the bar the men and women watched them as they entered the bar. The room smelt of smoke and booze and reeked of the essence of hatred sex and scandal the brown walls that seemed unknown whether they had been made painted or were just covered in dirt there was green strips that lined the top of the walls looking as of the were there not as paint but as mold collecting over the years. They were lit by the yellow dirt covered lights. The walls cover in pinups left from the greater war. Walking with all eyes on them she clung to him as if she would die if she let go of him; her long black hair flowed while her blues eyes shifted around looking at the men as they undressed her with their eyes. Staring at them with a look of the intent to kill. The men howled in laughter while still keeping their eyes on her. He stood a good five foot eight he wore a long black trench coat; his silver hair was at shoulder length. As they sat at the bar. The bartender struck a brow looking at them while they sat at the bar ?what are you doing here? he said in a hash voice.

Replying back in a calm relaxed voices he said to the man ?well we were just here to get a few beers and maybe a coke or two nothing too much.? with a grin on his face he looked straight at the man. As he looked at then he smiled back and calmly replied ?sorry their children but there?s no kiddy bars around here so why don?t you just get up and take your prize with you. You wouldn?t want to leave her here with this bunch.?

The boy replied back ?Aww come on man I just want a beer it?s been a long day so if you?d be so kinds as to serve us appreciate it. Now I?ll have a beer and could you please give her a Coke.?

The man looked at him with a look of disgust, while the men around the room began shift for their weapons. As soon as this happened he stood up and removed him coat reveling showed a small Tanto which?s sheath was looped through the two belt hooks on the back of his black a grey came cargo pants; on his right thigh was a chrome revolver. Once the men had seen the young boy?s weaponry they?re eyes widened. Looking as this happened the bartender looked down as the boy placed the small blade on the counter and smiled back at him replying to the response of the men with a sigh of laughter ?what a bunch of top notch pussy?s .but hey that?s nothing to put you down hell id be scared if I saw a guys with a sword in this day and age.?

It has been 50 years since the Great War when all government had been destroyed and the new world order was formed. The new world orders now know as the ?Simbian Order? this new order created the world built it up from the ashes left from the worlds democracies. Who had left the world after launching their weapons on their own kin. Leaving those whom had survived to fend for themselves in the ashes and disease that ridden the old world. This new order was helden up from the monarchy governments that state those chosen will rise to the throne. This government those life saving is made of 8 hell bent regions each having to obey the rules stating that only one heir can be chosen and never be replaced. Thus meaning that once the heir dies than the monarchy dies and the land is to be split up evenly between the remaining fractions. These children are called that ?Saviors?. This meant that the nations would have to find a way to protect their children thus was created the kaOs. An organization created to raise children to be assassins. These children would be the protectors of the children these protectors were known as the ?children of the ashes? they were brought up with no emotion taken from their parents at the age of 3 not even with the parent?s knowledge. From these boundaries they are taught only one thing to protect or die. Once the kin of the Simbian order?s children become of the age of 16 they will choose a protector who will be their body guard for the rest of their life take then out to the real world and force them to live like the public until they are mature enough to lead the country. The children of the ashes must serve there protector until her/she dies.

These children of the ashes are given an illegal weapon to the public the sword this is a symbol of the child?s power. The larger the blade the weaker the child is the smaller the blade the stronger the child. These weapons are to only be given the ?children of the ashes? the child can choose the type of sword to suite their style. These protectors are not held back by any law. There is only one that they must obey and that is to protect the Savior that has chosen then until they die.

?so you are one of them aren?t you one of those famed ?children of the ashes? and if that?s the case the she must be the ?Savoir? or am I wrong about this and you?re just a passing traveler sporting that to scar those of and to get some free booze hey! boy .? That bartender replied as he handed the boy his drink leaning closer to him.
The young man had gazed up at him while he placed his hands around the handle of the mug and replied. And what if we were both the ?child? and the savior then what would you do. But on the other hand what if I was just the poser then what? . . . would u just ask me to leave and by any mean I am going to pay you for this fine drink.? He began to look around the bar as the silence had echoed though the room he noticed that there was one man still on the end of the bar wearing a dirty cost that had covered his face in a shadow. Taking a drink from the liquor he spoke ?to him hey how come u didn?t leave like the rest of the boys.?

 

[Flying-Emu]

Grammar grammar grammar. Descriptions are more like lists than lively, interesting pieces. Dialogue was interesting, but lacked punch because of minor grammatical issues sprinkled throughout, as well as not spacing them correctly.

 

[Rensenhito]

Eh, it's not bad. I just get a little bit of the sense that the whole "sword size related to individual power" thing was copied in reverse from Bleach. And clean up your spelling. And grammar. And punctuation. And... well... syntax... And word usage. Um... Just try again once you practice a few things and get to the point where you have a coherent style.

 

[iJosh]

Not too shabby.

 

[NewClassic_v1legacy]

Chapter 1

Entering the lone alleyway, the water of the dripping from the fire ladders created an ominous sound. while The stench caused by the endless amounts of rotting garbage filled the air. The alley's walls of the alley were covered in graffiti. ; there was A single sign light that illuminated a small stairway. Walking towards the small stairwell at the entrance to the bar, the men and women watched them (Who?) as they entered the bar. The room smelt of smoke and booze. The dirt-crusted walls and reeked of the essence of hatred, sex, and scandal. the brown walls that seemed unknown whether they had been made painted or were just covered in dirt there was Green strips of mold or worse that lined the tops of the walls. looking as of the were there not as paint but as mold collecting over the years. The bar had an unnatural hue, glowing yellow from the dirty lights. They were lit by the yellow dirt covered lights. The walls were lined in pinups left from the greater war. They walked with all eyes on them, the young girl she clinging to him as if she would die if she let go of him. her long black hair flowed while her blues eyes She shifted her eyes around looking at the men as they undressed her with their eyes. Staring at them with a look of Her returning glare had the intent to kill. The men howled in laughter while still keeping their eyes on her. Her traveling companion He stood a good five-foot eight and wore a long black trench coat. His silver hair was at shoulder length. (No. I will not allowed you to say he has silver hair unless he's old. That is five hundred cliches too many. By itself!) Ignoring the men's stares, As they sat at the bar. The bartender struck a brow, looking at them while they sat at the bar He snapped at them, "What are you doing here?" he said in a hash voice.

Replying back in a calm relaxed voices, he replied, said to the man "Well, we were just here to get a few beers and maybe a coke or two. Nothing too much." An easy grin rose to counter the bartender's sneer. with a grin on his face he looked straight at the man. As he looked at then he smiled back and calmly replied Bartender produced a grin to counter the stranger's, though it lacked the same effect given the missing tooth,"Sorry, they're children, but there's no kiddy bars around here. So why don't you just get up and take your girly with you. Ya wouldn't want to leave her here with this bunch." (Remember that characterization comes from everything. Physical appearance, dialog, clothing, and what they notice. A character is more than an actor, he's our guide. If he sees a dank wall covered in mold, we should see the same. If he noticed that half of the men's drinks are untouched while the other half have tens of empty glasses at their tables, we should see the same. If the girl is innocent and deathly afraid, I want it to scream from her every action, dialog choice, and perspective. Think about why the addage "Don't look down" has so much credibility, the perspective makes a lot of difference in outlook and fear. Would you be looking at a gun-man's face, the barrel of the gun about to take out your eye, or what brand watch he's wearing? Think about these things, as they make a big difference in how you should narrate.)

The boy replied, back "Aww, come on man. I just want a beer. It's been a long day, so if you'd be so kind as to serve us, I would appreciate it." Without another word on the subject, he took a commanding tone with the man across the counter. "Now, I?ll have a beer, and could you please give her a Coke?"

The barman looked at him with a look of disgust, and the patrons while the men around the room began reach for their weapons. As soon as this, happened the boy stood up and removed his coat. Beneath his coat was a skin-tight shirt, lined with belts and bulging with calloused muscle. A small Japanese dagger, which very few patrons could identify as a Tanto, was sheathed through the belts across his leg. Opposite it sat a heavy revolver, gleaming even in the murky light. reveling showed a small Tanto which's sheath was looped through the two belt hooks on the back of his black a grey came cargo pants; on his right thigh was a chrome revolver. Once the men had seen the young boy's weaponry, they froze in place. they?re eyes widened. Looking as this happened The bartender looked down as the boy placed the small blade on the counter. and smiled back at him replying to the response of the men with a sigh of laughter "What a bunch of top notch pussies." The bartender said, looking at the fear-struck thugs fleeing the bar. "But hey, that's nothing to put you down. Hell, I'd be scared if I saw a guys with a sword in this day and age." (This line feels forced. Wasn't this bartender flippant earlier? His personality would still reflect that, even if he had respect for the - ugh - silver-haired child.)

It had been 50 years since the Great War, when all government had been destroyed and the new world order had formed. The new world order, now know as the "Simbian Order", was a this new order created to build the world built it up from the ashes left from the worlds' former democracies. Who had left the world after launching their weapons on their own kin. The all-out nuclear bombardment left Leaving those whom had survived to fend for themselves. in the ashes and disease that ridden the old world. The new order was held up from the monarchistic governments that stated those chosen will rise to the throne. This government those life saving is made of 8 hell-bent regions, each having to obey the rules stating that only one heir can be chosen and never be replaced. (How was this agreed upon? It sounds completely nonsensical, even to me.) Which meant Thus meaning that once the heir dies, than the monarchy dies, and the land is to be split up evenly between the remaining fractions. (Who's the arbiter to enforce this? Whichever region is the most militaristic can easily overpower everyone else. Despite having "order" here, there's no incentive to follow it. The only reason the modern UN works is because everyone has a staked vestment in it working, and they have militaries to keep everyone in check. If someone goes above that, they'll be destroyed. Who's to stop that from happening here?) These children are called that "Saviors". This meant that the nations would have to find a way to protect their children. So they thus was created the kaOs. "kaOs" is an organization created to raise children to be assassins. These children would be the protectors of the Saviors. These protectors were known as the "Children of the Ashes". They were brought up with no emotion, taken from their parents at the age of 3, not even without the parents' knowledge. (Line break.)

From these grounds. they are taught only one thing: To protect or die. Once the kin of the Simbian Order?s children become of the age of 16, they will choose a protector who will be their bodyguard for the rest of their life. They are taken take then out into the real world and forced them to live like the public until they are mature enough to lead the country. The Children of the Ashes must serve their protector until he or she dies.

These Children of the Ashes are given an illegal weapon, to the public the swords, this is as a symbol of the child's power. The larger the blade, the weaker the child. is The smaller the blade, the stronger the child. (Can you explain this logically? Why would the weaker ones have longer blades? Longer blades are heavier, and therefore more likely to get the child killed. This is, of course, ignoring that swords were a discontinued weapon because of their sheer inability at any range other than short. Despite being a symbol of power, it seems likely that any kaOs or Child of the Ashes could be killed simply by being one bullet too many in their bodies.) These weapons are to only for be given the "Children of the Ashes". The child can choose the type of sword to suit their style. (Wait, I thought you said it was ordained by their strength?) These protectors are not held back by any law. There is only one that they must obey. and that is to Protect the Savior that has chosen then until they die.

The bartender glanced back at the blade on the counter, features remote."So, you are one of them aren?t you one of those famed "Children of the Ashes"... and If that's the case, then she must be the "Savior". or Am I wrong about this, and you're just a passing traveler sporting a stolen trinket that to scar those of and to get some free booze." The bartender leaned over to whisper to him. "Hey, boy." That bartender replied as he handed the boy his drink leaning closer to him.

The young man had gazed up at him while he placing his hands around the handle of the mug, and replied. "And what if we were both the 'child' and the savior, then what would you do?" He grinned, "But on the other hand, what if I was just the poser then what? Would you just ask me to leave? and By any means, I am going to pay you for this fine drink." He began to look around the bar. as the Silence reigned. had echoed though the room Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed that there was one man still on the end of the bar wearing a dirty cost that had covered his face in a shadow. Taking a drink from the liquor, the boy he spoke down the bar, "to him hey How come you didn't leave like the rest of the boys?"

Grammatically speaking, you need work. Pay careful attention to grammar lessons, because you make a lot of mistakes. You run-on sentences constantly. You don't vary sentence length, so when the reader isn't running out of breath mid-sentence, they have a dry cadence. You also don't punctuate clearly at all because you mostly don't, and when you do, it's often the wrong mark.

Remember that reading has a rhythm similar to speaking. Sentences need to provide ample breaks for the reader to "breath" in their minds. If not, each progressive sentence will subconsciously make the reader more and more tense. If you space it out naturally, the reader will flow fluidly from word to word.

Work on dialog. I like the personality, but the problem is everyone has the same personality. The bartender speaks like the boy, and the narrator thinks the same way the boy and 'tender do. You've written the same character playing three different parts, and it makes story just a little bit harder to read because of it.

Lastly, you need to read. Read books, magazines, articles, issues, anything you can get your hands on. There's a lot to common mistakes that would take a long time to explain, but are usually solved simply from reading others' work.

My advice is to read this chapter aloud to yourself. Make sure that you do read it out loud. It will introduce you to any "flow" errors you have in your piece, and should make the sentences feel more natural.

Keep practicing, and I encourage you to ask questions. Everyone has something to learn, and I'm as much as student as anyone else. Keep practicing, and I'll be glad to help where I can.