Choosing between the family I grew up with and the life I want to live.

[Eudaimon]

Long story but basically I've got to choose. On the one hand I feel obligated and am sort of attached to my family. On the other hand they do stupid stuff and sabotage me by trying to keep a codependent relation and go through extremes "for family".

"For Family" means:
I can make purchases but I can't own anything and have no say in my possessions.
I can't use a mechanic because my brother "knows a guy" and saving the moneys is more important then having a running vehicle.
I can't even move to the other side of the continent without them moving 2 leaving marriages and children. (This bugs me)
I can't own a house, RV or boat without them taking it or "improving" it.
I can't exercise in the morning or at night.
I have to put up with their 8 dogs countless cats, chickens, cows, their friends and the messes they leave.
Am expected to give up work or relationships on demand or when they do stupid things and get hospitalized.
Can't hang out with anyone in my home and as a consequence cant really relate to anyone.
And the absolute worst is how they destroyed my relationship with my closest friends costing me so much I can't even say.

Quite frankly I'm worn out dealing with this stuff. The youngest of us is 24 we're all grown ups. I wish there was a middle ground or they could respect boundaries but it's simply not possible. So should I cut ties completely or stick with them?

 

[Eudaimon]

Forgot to mention the only reason I've tolerated it so much is because my little brother and mother don't act that way. They make some mistakes here and there but for the most part I get along with them.

 

[Miyenne]

Uh, that sounds more like a cult than a family.

Tell your family you love them, grab whatever you have purchased with your own money and can prove (receipts, bank statements, etc) and get the hell out.

Sometimes you have to put yourself before the ones you love; there's nothing wrong with that. You are the only one responsible for your own happiness. Don't sacrifice that for the people you care about. If they love you, they'll understand in time.

That kind of situation you describe, sounds like there's more to it. If there's abuse involved, report it. Now, it's your obligation as a human being.

You have a right to make any choice you want. They may not agree with it, but they can't stop you either. You're an adult now, time to move on and live your own life.

If the whole family has to move with you, well, that's just creepy. Find an apartment. Move. If you're not comfortable telling them where you'll be living; don't. Give them your phone number or email and that's all you have to do.

 

[Lilani]

Uh, that sounds more like a cult than a family.

Tell your family you love them, grab whatever you have purchased with your own money and can prove (receipts, bank statements, etc) and get the hell out.

Sometimes you have to put yourself before the ones you love; there's nothing wrong with that. You are the only one responsible for your own happiness. Don't sacrifice that for the people you care about. If they love you, they'll understand in time.

That kind of situation you describe, sounds like there's more to it. If there's abuse involved, report it. Now, it's your obligation as a human being.

You have a right to make any choice you want. They may not agree with it, but they can't stop you either. You're an adult now, time to move on and live your own life.

If the whole family has to move with you, well, that's just creepy. Find an apartment. Move. If you're not comfortable telling them where you'll be living; don't. Give them your phone number or email and that's all you have to do.

I 100% agree with this. How your family functions may work for them, but if you're older than 24 there is no reason for you to be dealing with this stuff. Spend some time preparing, gather and arrange what you need ahead of time, and just go. Tell them you love them, but you have to live your own life. And this doesn't necessarily mean you need to "cut ties," but you have to be firm. If you get your own place and they show up to "improve" it, tell them they have no right and if they proceed you'll call the police. And follow through. But if you don't feel comfortable saying where you're going, that's fine too. They may need some time to mull it over themselves, so perhaps a hiatus from them is a good thing. Keep contact with your mom and little brother if you feel you can trust them, it sounds like they can help you build the bridges back once you've burned them.

And I double the encouragement here to report abuse that may have happened. This sounds exactly like the sort of situation that spawns abuse, either physical or psychological. Even if you don't feel it's affected you, there is no reason to not report it and leave your siblings in that situation.

Also, out of curiosity, is your family a gypsy family or something? Because the whole community ownership and family moving wherever another moves sounds a lot like gypsy behavior to me.

 

[EeveeElectro]

You shouldn't have to be put in this position.
I don't know how old you are, but over here if you're over the age of 21 (it might actually be 18?) they can't do anything at all to control you.
Get a small one bedroom apartment or a house share so they can't just tag along and try move in. If they try barge in and still control how you do things, I'd politely warn them to stop and call the police if it persists. They might just be full of hot air and you're too scared to try anything in case they stay true to their word.
They legally don't have a leg to stand on. Make sure you're okay financially, have a plan, and move. Explain to them all you feel like you need to move on because you're an adult now and you feel like they're suffocating you.
Encourage your siblings to do the same, I can't imagine this being very good for their mentality. Maybe even move your little brother in with you if he doesn't act like them.
Maybe they're happy being with a bunch of control freaks but you can at least say you tried to help them.

Get the things you paid for. They're yours and if you have proof keep hold of it. If they refuse to let you take it you could get them done for theft.
Move away. Don't tell them where until you can trust them to not barge in. Tell them you love them and you'll visit but you need your own space. If they try stop you, get the authorities involved.

Good luck. Living on your own is tough but I imagine living like this is tougher.

 

[Eudaimon]

Thanks everyone. There's no abuse and we're not gypsies. Growing up my dads job as a union electrician required us to move after a few months and every time we brought up having friends we were told family is the only thing you can rely on. They just never grew out of it and some of them don't want to work, go to college, or have responsibilities.

As for me, I'm 27 and tired of living like this. I think it's because it's been about 5 years since I had a real relationship and can't even bring a girlfriend over to my own place. I was on my own from 19 - 22 and that was the best time of my life. Then after a couple of years they showed up again and were worse than ever. I put up with them until I was 24 then moved from California to Georgia. Within 2 months they were here and have been living with me since.

So yeah, I'll get thing in order, leave my email address with my brother and mother and move on then. Thanks again for the help.

 

[Lilani]

Thanks everyone. There's no abuse and we're not gypsies. Growing up my dads job as a union electrician required us to move after a few months and every time we brought up having friends we were told family is the only thing you can rely on. They just never grew out of it and some of them don't want to work, go to college, or have responsibilities.

As for me, I'm 27 and tired of living like this. I think it's because it's been about 5 years since I had a real relationship and can't even bring a girlfriend over to my own place. I was on my own from 19 - 22 and that was the best time of my life. Then after a couple of years they showed up again and were worse than ever. I put up with them until I was 24 then moved from California to Georgia. Within 2 months they were here and have been living with me since.

So yeah, I'll get thing in order, leave my email address with my brother and mother and move on then. Thanks again for the help.

Hm, those are very unfortunate circumstances. It sounds like your dad experienced something major in their lives which caused them to distrust relationships with others outside the family. Which is toxic, not only as far as socialization but also as far as simply continuing your family's legacy. I mean really, how is your family supposed to continue if you aren't allowed to develop romantic relationships, and have your own kids?

Sorry, I don't mean to be rude with any of this or push any psychological stuff on you, lol. This sort of stuff just interests me in a way. Anyway, you go man. Don't let your father's demons determine your fate. And I imagine he wasn't always like this, otherwise he never would have met your mother.