Dating Best Friends Ex-es?

[TheEbolaVirus]

Ok so my good friend, lets call him John, and this girlfriend, lets call her Joanne. Anyways Joanne broke up with John and got with another guy, and dated him for 2 months. After her and the other guy broke up she tried to get back with John, well he had enough of her and never replied to anything she said

But before all of this me and her were pretty good friends, not as good as John and I though. But after enough convincing on her part we hung out one night and chilled around town. When the night was winding down she started to hang onto my arm and show signs of affection and we kissed. i didnt know how to respond with the whole situation^^^^^^(mentioned above)

So my question is would i be betraying my best friend if i asked Joanne out to date?
Also we talked a lot before "the date"
Another thing is that i kinda like this girl too...
Help?...

 

[zombiesinc]

So my question is would i be betraying my best friend if i asked Joanne out to date?
Also we talked a lot before "the date"
Another thing is that i kinda like this girl too...
Help?...

If you genuinely like her, and she likes you, I say go for it. I know there's this whole 'bro code' that men seem to speak of when it comes to dating best friends ex's, but they broke up, and I think that's as far as 'they' should continue.

But if you're worried about his feelings towards the two of you dating, confront him. If he doesn't have a problem with it, good luck. If he does, and refuses to let it go, you may have to (unfortunately and annoyingly so) decide between the two. In my opinion, he isn't a true friend if he makes you choose.

 

[vxicepickxv]

So my question is would i be betraying my best friend if i asked Joanne out to date?
Also we talked a lot before "the date"
Another thing is that i kinda like this girl too...
Help?...

If you genuinely like her, and she likes you, I say go for it. I know there's this whole 'bro code' that men seem to speak of when it comes to dating best friends ex's, but they broke up, and I think that's as far as 'they' should continue.

But if you're worried about his feelings towards the two of you dating, confront him. If he doesn't have a problem with it, good luck. If he does, and refuses to let it go, you may have to (unfortunately and annoyingly so) decide between the two. In my opinion, he isn't a true friend if he makes you choose.

For the most part I would agree with you, but there's always a reason why they're not together. You might want to find out why they broke up too. I've seen it happen where someone did something similar, without asking why, and it turned out that it was a pretty good reason why they broke up.

 

[highgamer]

Does this really sound like it's going to work for you?

She dumped your best friend for some other guy...

The other guy and her split (I assume he done the splitting)

She attempts to crawl back to John, gets rejected

And now she's just moving onto you?


Personally, i think she sounds a bit of a ***** and you could do better. But at the same time, i don't know all the details. I'd just ask your friend if it's cool to hook up with her, hopefully he will say yes, or say no, and give you enough evidence as to why you shouldn't date her

And please take your friends feelings into consideration.

 

[NoCure]

Simple Equation - You wait twice as long as they dated plus 1 month. So in 5 months you should be fine. Unless John is a crybaby.

 

[Delta342]

So my question is would i be betraying my best friend if i asked Joanne out to date?
Also we talked a lot before "the date"
Another thing is that i kinda like this girl too...
Help?...

If you genuinely like her, and she likes you, I say go for it. I know there's this whole 'bro code' that men seem to speak of when it comes to dating best friends ex's, but they broke up, and I think that's as far as 'they' should continue.

But if you're worried about his feelings towards the two of you dating, confront him. If he doesn't have a problem with it, good luck. If he does, and refuses to let it go, you may have to (unfortunately and annoyingly so) decide between the two. In my opinion, he isn't a true friend if he makes you choose.

I think this pretty much says it all. First two things you should think about doing is speak to your friend, and don't just take the first answer.. He may say one thing and mean another.. Also try and find out if she really does like you (from say a few of her close friends) and make sure it's not just a rebound. You could be putting a lot on the line for this girl.. Also double check with yourself that you're not just interested in this girl because everyone else likes her/you couldn't have her until now.. Sounds silly but definitely happens.

I have to say kudos to "John" though, it's taken me nearly 18 months to gain the self respect to do the same with my ex! (As in no communication etc)

Anyways! Good luck with the whole thing! =)

 

[Sonofadiddly]

You should definitely talk to your friend about it first. If he has any kind of problem with it, don't date her. It's not worth risking the friendship.

I personally have a policy of never dating anyone my best friend has ever dated. It's just safer that way.

 

[Doctor Glocktor]

Ask yourself this.

Are you really willing to chance your friendship with 'John' just for a rebound chick?

 

[6unn3r]

Well if things dont work out between you and "joanne" then at least you and "John" can bond over how stupid you both were to date her.

 

[BonsaiK]

Ok so my good friend, lets call him John, and this girlfriend, lets call her Joanne. Anyways Joanne broke up with John and got with another guy, and dated him for 2 months. After her and the other guy broke up she tried to get back with John, well he had enough of her and never replied to anything she said

But before all of this me and her were pretty good friends, not as good as John and I though. But after enough convincing on her part we hung out one night and chilled around town. When the night was winding down she started to hang onto my arm and show signs of affection and we kissed. i didnt know how to respond with the whole situation^^^^^^(mentioned above)

So my question is would i be betraying my best friend if i asked Joanne out to date?
Also we talked a lot before "the date"
Another thing is that i kinda like this girl too...
Help?...

This issue came up no less than 30 times in the Relationship Problem Thread and I answered it more or less the same way every time.

What's between John and Joanne is between John and Joanne and has nothing to do with you. Therefore, if they're broken up, she's available and that's all there is to it. If John's a mature guy he'll understand that it's not up to him who she dates. Any claim he had over what she does with her time ends the second she and him broke up (if such a claim even existed at all). In fact, if he's a true friend he should be happy for you both if you get it together.

Having said that, it definitely looks like a "rebound" and they don't usually last so don't go giving your heart away at this point - but who knows, sometimes these things do work out. I've been with my girlfriend for nearly a year and she had only just broken up with her ex when we met, she was even still in love with him at the time so it was as rebound as it gets. I know him too. What's even more hilarious is that he's now dating one of my exes. It's like as if we just swapped partners at a dance or something...

 

[lemiel14n3]

That is tricky, romances always are. The short answer here is "No" going out with someone he used to go out with is not a betrayal, (all the analogies I could have to this come off as incredibly offensive to my PC neutered mind, but as a member of my "enlightenment of the spirit" I'll say it anyway) It's no more of a betrayal than getting his leftover pizza from the fridge. he had it, he didn't want it, no problem.
The problem is that if you think it's a problem, John probably hasn't gotten over her yet, or there's some craziness down the road he should probably warn you about. you can't ask him if "it's cool" because on self-respecting man would say anything but "yeah"

The best advice I can give you is, go for it, but don't rub it in his face. Bring her with you to things, do the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing, don't let the past make your future difficult. But when it's just you and him, don't bring her up if you don't have to.

 

[Aurgelmir]

So my question is would i be betraying my best friend if i asked Joanne out to date?
Also we talked a lot before "the date"
Another thing is that i kinda like this girl too...
Help?...

Betray? I don't think so.

Will it have ramifications? HELL YES!

From how I read your story John do not like Joanne, this gets me to believe that having You, John and Joanne in the same room might not be a good idea.

So you might loose John even though he would have been ok with it.

 

[Simalacrum]

Hmmmmmm...

Ok, before I go on, I just want to clarify that I've had a similar experience, except I was more in the situation where one of my best friend's went out with my ex [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/538.246767-Poll-Should-I-give-her-a-second-chance#9047733], rather than me going out with one of my best friend's ex's... so I'm talking with a bit of experience as well as a bit of bias here.

Right, straight answer - I think that going out with her would hurt your best friend, and I do not think you should go forward with a relationship with her.

However, if you really want to go out with her, I think you really need to sit down and have a serious discussion about that matter with said friend. If he's you're best friend, then I would say he deserves as much as that.

That said, it has been a while since this John person went out with this Joanne person... So who knows? He may be ok with it. Nevertheless, I think the safe option is to discuss it with him. If he's a mature person, he should understand.

I know that such a situation can be rather sticky and awkward, so I wish you the best of luck!

 

[Zaverexus]

It depends on how the breakup went. If it was terrible and they hate eachother then its a bad idea (and as a friend I'll usually be sympathetic in hatred, as will my best friend)
If it was never really a big thing then don't worry about it.
Time can also be a factor. Don't make a big deal out of it if everyone has already forgotten that it happened

So my question is would i be betraying my best friend if i asked Joanne out to date?
Also we talked a lot before "the date"
Another thing is that i kinda like this girl too...
Help?...

I know there's this whole 'bro code' that men seem to speak of when it comes to dating best friends ex's, but they broke up, and I think that's as far as 'they' should continue.

In some cases sure, and ultimately its your decision, but it really is an unspoken courtesy (depending on the situation, etc) to the likes of "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife"
(XD Bro-Code Bible)

 

[BE4T]

Personally, I think its all good because of the fact that there was at least a couple months gap in between your friend and Joanne breaking up. I've been in this situation before and my best advise would be to let him know, because if you try and keep it secret from him there might be some issues. Just be open about it.

 

[TheEbolaVirus]

Thanks a lot guys i knew the escapist was the place to go to for advice

 

[DeathWing007]

Oh no...

In my opinion I hope you didn't go out with her. I know some people say "I don't believe in the bro code", but think about it from his side.

He sees you guys all the time together, he broke up with her for a reason and does not want contact with her anymore. All of a sudden here you are dating her and bringing her along to group outings? Plus she tried to reconcile with him before so I would like you to consider that little tidbit.

If you really MUST go out with her talk to him about it and state your intentions. Be a man about it rather than going about it in a round about way. Direct, to the point and tactful. If your friendship can survive it then no issues.