This is a review of the classic Warcraft 3 mod that is, without a doubt, one of the most popular online multiplayer games of all time. Standalone remakes of DotA, such of Heroes of Newerth and League of Legends, are renewing interest in the old standard. Having never played DotA before, I thought it was worth a look to see what all the excitement is about.
DotA has simple rules - to summarize, its not much more than a five-on-five battle of capture-the-flag. Games are won with strong teamwork, although there's just enough room for personal glory to keep your addiction strong. Even though there's only one map, there are so many different heroes to choose from (almost 100 in total) that every game is different and exciting... at least in theory. In reality, the wide variety of options does create a steep learning curve, however, and a new player might have trouble getting started.
My "big" complaint, a fault that makes the game nigh-unplayable, is the game's artwork decisions. The graphics themselves are quite good, considering when WC3 was published, and characters and terrain are rendered crispy and vibrantly. No, what I'm referring to, of course, is the big elephant in the room, DotA's bizarre obsession with obesity. Almost every character in this whole game is fat as fuck. It defies belief. Disgusting, greasy fat; noisy, sloppy fat. Fat ballooning to massive volumes, barely contained by skin stretched to the translucent thinness of an amphibian's mucous membrane. (again, DotA is very impressive technically, considering the limits they've pushed the WC3 display engine) I often found myself zooming in and clicking rapidly, back and forth, not so much as an APM exercise but rather just to watch huge tidal waves of fat shift fluidly throughout my hero's body - like as if I were a five year old child smooshing around the juice of a melting freezy-pop. The sheer amount of fat is both so repulsive and fascinating. And believe me, these heroes were so fucking fat as to hold my attention for a looong time. I could almost smell them. God, the more I think about it, I can still smell their asscracks and I've been logged off of BNet for at least five hours. Note that this bulk is not limited to the guys, but the gals as well; we're not talkin bulging pot-bellies spilling out of midriff-cut uniforms here, but the kind of fat where you could fuck a fold and never forget it. The fat corpus of humanity and fantasy alike is made cyber-flesh in DotA.
The most well-known DotA hero, the one who might as well be its mascot, is a hero aptly named "Pudge the Butcher," also known affectionately by his nickname "Kewpuh." An off-white monstrosity, skin the shade of raw tallow, he is a ****** so fucking fat that his body is bursting, spilling guts and undigested food (we'll get to his pukifying diet in a second) when he walks. Clearly, the devteam thinks that this guy deserves special treatment, as seen in his ultimate, a skill called "Devour" (I swear I am not making this up) that lets him EAT THE RAW FLESH OF ENEMY UNITS. The gameplay freezes whenever this skill is used, playing a sickening animation of your hero rended limp from limb and a sound clip that says "AHhhHhHHhh~~ FRESH MEAT!!" at 4x the regular volume. Oh godd, its so nauseating, I'm literraly crying this shit is so fucking sick. You can't imagine what its like to watch your hero, your digital YOU, reduced to the value of Pizza Hut Bread Bowl Pasta for whatever sick freak is acting out his vore fan fiction roleplaying fantasies this game. Kewpuh is such a fat fucking disgusting flab. Kewpuh is perhaps one of the biggest reasons for transforming what once might once have been a secret fetish of the programming team into an obsession that has overtaken the entire DotA communtiy. Recent photos from high-level league tournaments showing kids in Kewpuh costumes, XXXXL shirts stuffed with crumpled newspaper and slathered with hardened, chipped tomato sauce stains, are proof enough of that.
All in all, I have to rate DotA one star, much higher than it otherwise deserves simply because of its outstanding mechanics. This game is just too fucking gross and you shouldn't go anywhere near it unless you're a fat ****** like Kewpuh too.
DotA has simple rules - to summarize, its not much more than a five-on-five battle of capture-the-flag. Games are won with strong teamwork, although there's just enough room for personal glory to keep your addiction strong. Even though there's only one map, there are so many different heroes to choose from (almost 100 in total) that every game is different and exciting... at least in theory. In reality, the wide variety of options does create a steep learning curve, however, and a new player might have trouble getting started.
My "big" complaint, a fault that makes the game nigh-unplayable, is the game's artwork decisions. The graphics themselves are quite good, considering when WC3 was published, and characters and terrain are rendered crispy and vibrantly. No, what I'm referring to, of course, is the big elephant in the room, DotA's bizarre obsession with obesity. Almost every character in this whole game is fat as fuck. It defies belief. Disgusting, greasy fat; noisy, sloppy fat. Fat ballooning to massive volumes, barely contained by skin stretched to the translucent thinness of an amphibian's mucous membrane. (again, DotA is very impressive technically, considering the limits they've pushed the WC3 display engine) I often found myself zooming in and clicking rapidly, back and forth, not so much as an APM exercise but rather just to watch huge tidal waves of fat shift fluidly throughout my hero's body - like as if I were a five year old child smooshing around the juice of a melting freezy-pop. The sheer amount of fat is both so repulsive and fascinating. And believe me, these heroes were so fucking fat as to hold my attention for a looong time. I could almost smell them. God, the more I think about it, I can still smell their asscracks and I've been logged off of BNet for at least five hours. Note that this bulk is not limited to the guys, but the gals as well; we're not talkin bulging pot-bellies spilling out of midriff-cut uniforms here, but the kind of fat where you could fuck a fold and never forget it. The fat corpus of humanity and fantasy alike is made cyber-flesh in DotA.
The most well-known DotA hero, the one who might as well be its mascot, is a hero aptly named "Pudge the Butcher," also known affectionately by his nickname "Kewpuh." An off-white monstrosity, skin the shade of raw tallow, he is a ****** so fucking fat that his body is bursting, spilling guts and undigested food (we'll get to his pukifying diet in a second) when he walks. Clearly, the devteam thinks that this guy deserves special treatment, as seen in his ultimate, a skill called "Devour" (I swear I am not making this up) that lets him EAT THE RAW FLESH OF ENEMY UNITS. The gameplay freezes whenever this skill is used, playing a sickening animation of your hero rended limp from limb and a sound clip that says "AHhhHhHHhh~~ FRESH MEAT!!" at 4x the regular volume. Oh godd, its so nauseating, I'm literraly crying this shit is so fucking sick. You can't imagine what its like to watch your hero, your digital YOU, reduced to the value of Pizza Hut Bread Bowl Pasta for whatever sick freak is acting out his vore fan fiction roleplaying fantasies this game. Kewpuh is such a fat fucking disgusting flab. Kewpuh is perhaps one of the biggest reasons for transforming what once might once have been a secret fetish of the programming team into an obsession that has overtaken the entire DotA communtiy. Recent photos from high-level league tournaments showing kids in Kewpuh costumes, XXXXL shirts stuffed with crumpled newspaper and slathered with hardened, chipped tomato sauce stains, are proof enough of that.
All in all, I have to rate DotA one star, much higher than it otherwise deserves simply because of its outstanding mechanics. This game is just too fucking gross and you shouldn't go anywhere near it unless you're a fat ****** like Kewpuh too.
