title says it all, tonight i found out my girlfriend is depressed, not officially diagnosed but going to go to counseling, I have had friends with depression but i do not really know how to help people suffering from it. any advice anyone?
depressed girlfriend<-- need help
- Thread starter proctorninja2
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As Jedoro said, the best thing you can do is to be there for her. Without knowing any specifics about her life, I don't think there is much else you can do for her, other than try and support her and encourage her friends and family to do the same.
If your girlfriend is truly clinically depressed, one of the most important things is to let her know that you know it's not her fault. The biggest insults to injury in these situations is when people act as if this is somehow a flaw in her character. It's not, trust me I know how this feels like. Having supportive friends can make all the difference in the world.
Congratulations of not needing a counselor. It means you didnt reach a higher stage of depression.Shawn MacDonald said:
There are lots of different kinds of depressions and some of those are actually sicknesses, not just something going on in your mind. Its called 'Depression' not just 'Being Depressed' It has something to do with the lack or excess of things in your body that makes you feel happy. By default you feel depressed. Like if you have a lack of a certain vitamin you take that, happy-pills were ORIGINALLY not meant to be used on everyone and their dog. But on people with an actual lack of what theese things give.
Below is advice for clinical depression.
That being said, depending on where you live being depressed recently could just be winter-depression which is fairly normal. It can be treated by sun/special lights/D vitamin but in general just dont treat her too differently, perhaps a bit nicer than normal.
If its another kind of depression I cant give you a lot of advice. The only treatment is 'for gods sake dont get her stressed' Make sure she is relaxed as much as possible. And be sure that she knows that people like her. Im not sure what thoughts are going through her head but being depressed they are rarely happy. So make sure the negative thoughts arent about you or others close to her not liking her.
Okay, before I get into constructive advice, I want to say one thing to proctorninja2 that I cannot possibly stress enough:
Do NOT treat her depression like a problem to fix.
We're men. Our instinct, when we see a problem, is to emotionally distance ourselves from it, look at it objectively, and come up with a course of action to solve it. That is probably the single worst thing you can do in this instance, because her depression is part of her, and if you try to fix it, you're trying to fix her. If you have to fix her, then she is broken; and if a thing is broken, then it is not good enough; so by the twisted, self-hating logic of depression, trying to fix her just proves that she isn't good enough for you and you only love the part of her that she could be if not for how broken she is. Avoid this trap.
Probably the most painful part of my depression was the sense of loneliness, like I was completely cut off from anyone and that my pain was so personal and acute that I was having to invent a language just to be able to describe it because conversational English was completely insufficient to the task. When I did finally start talking about it, though, people started talking about their own, and that helped. It helped to know I wasn't the only one.
The thing is, I'm the one who decided to start talking about it. If anyone tried to draw me out by asking me questions, I lied about it to keep it secret (which clearly wasn't working because people noticed enough was wrong to ask me about it, but I wasn't very logical at the time). Based on that, I don't think that asking your girlfriend questions like "How are you feeling?" will get her to talk about it. It would probably be more effective to just tell her a story about your experience with depression and how it made you feel. If she hears something she can identify with, she'll probably come out of her shell a little bit and be willing to share. When she does, listen carefully. Tell her a few more stories that prove you know what she's feeling when she talks about this or that part of her depression, but keep the stories short; remember, it's about what she's going through, not what you're going through.
If you don't have any personal experience with depression that you can use to start a conversation, then I'm not sure what to tell you. It might be that you can't do anything except tell her that you love her and to give her support where you can find ways to do so. Little acts of kindness--doing the dishes after dinner even though it's her turn--can mean a lot.
Do NOT treat her depression like a problem to fix.
We're men. Our instinct, when we see a problem, is to emotionally distance ourselves from it, look at it objectively, and come up with a course of action to solve it. That is probably the single worst thing you can do in this instance, because her depression is part of her, and if you try to fix it, you're trying to fix her. If you have to fix her, then she is broken; and if a thing is broken, then it is not good enough; so by the twisted, self-hating logic of depression, trying to fix her just proves that she isn't good enough for you and you only love the part of her that she could be if not for how broken she is. Avoid this trap.
Probably the most painful part of my depression was the sense of loneliness, like I was completely cut off from anyone and that my pain was so personal and acute that I was having to invent a language just to be able to describe it because conversational English was completely insufficient to the task. When I did finally start talking about it, though, people started talking about their own, and that helped. It helped to know I wasn't the only one.
The thing is, I'm the one who decided to start talking about it. If anyone tried to draw me out by asking me questions, I lied about it to keep it secret (which clearly wasn't working because people noticed enough was wrong to ask me about it, but I wasn't very logical at the time). Based on that, I don't think that asking your girlfriend questions like "How are you feeling?" will get her to talk about it. It would probably be more effective to just tell her a story about your experience with depression and how it made you feel. If she hears something she can identify with, she'll probably come out of her shell a little bit and be willing to share. When she does, listen carefully. Tell her a few more stories that prove you know what she's feeling when she talks about this or that part of her depression, but keep the stories short; remember, it's about what she's going through, not what you're going through.
If you don't have any personal experience with depression that you can use to start a conversation, then I'm not sure what to tell you. It might be that you can't do anything except tell her that you love her and to give her support where you can find ways to do so. Little acts of kindness--doing the dishes after dinner even though it's her turn--can mean a lot.
It depends of the character - for example my wife dealt with the depression by discovering international chatrooms (she's not fond of IT at all). The biggest help i could be then was to "let her go", to be there but not suffocate her by constant asking "what's wrong, how are you feeling today, what can i do for you etc".proctorninja2 said:
It was for the OP more than you m8. Didnt really need to hear a bullshit remark against therapists either. Their job is to help and if they couldnt help you, either you got there because you filled out some papers wrong (Lots of people exaggerate their situation). Or you simply didnt inform them on your situation correctly (Lots of people leave certain things out). Either way, if you 'were' indeed clinically depressed. Which I highly doubt, then good for you that you managed to tackle the problem without meds or treatment. Not everyone can. People like you are the reason that some people treat the depressed like they dont have a problem at all/that its all in their head. Which ends up ruining their lives.Shawn MacDonald said:
FYI I was almost diagnosed with depression. I decided to say screw it, moved out to the countryside. And did hard physical work to get my mind on something else. Now im not nearly depressed, but I dont go around believing I was 'ever' clinically depressed. I saw therapists 'yea' but since I told them I might be able to manage it myself after visiting them for 2 months they encouraged me stopping the sessions (I imagine it might be different where you live, sucky hc system and all cause them to wanna keep you to earn their daily bread)Shawn MacDonald said:
Ruined their own life my arse (You do intend on BS'ing me dont you?). The problem for theese people is that it didnt appear because they 'intended' to get depressed, it appeared due to stress and or a depressing experience which was intended, such a thing might have been lead to by something which might have been caused by themself, but they cant always fix it themself. Letting them lie around in the gutter because they are depressed is sick and wrong. Therefor your opinion sucks. Letting people fix their own problems when they are physically sick, sucks.
And I know not all Therapists deserve being loathed. I know that better than you, random person who forms negative opinions about other people based on a very limitted experience then discourages everyone from using anything in that field of science because you managed to get by without it, just like all the kids who didnt get sick without getting a vaccination, lets not vaccinate 'anyone' It will surely be much cheaper.
I came here to give advice based on what has helped thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands of people. You came here to discourage helping at all. You arent helping.
If it didnt work, guess what. You werent 'forced' to see therapists like some others have been. If you were then you probably were clinically depressed. Its starting to get pretty obvious you werent. Good for you. You arent the only one who saw therapists and didnt have it work. It doesnt always work.Shawn MacDonald said:
First of all, Sorry for going off at you. I know it probably doesnt mean anything but hey, Random persons apology.Shawn MacDonald said:
As for telling you three things, here. Mind you its very off topic.
Corruption, extremism 'speccialy religion and conservatism', war. (the last one sometimes being neccesary, but its better if we all hate it. Would be bad if we got fond of it)
Take it to a PM, I do not wish to spam this topic any further.
Although my GF has never been actually depressed before, she HAS gone through a few rough patches (Her best friend turned on her over something stupid, etc).
Here is my advice to you:
1) Be there for her, emotionally and physically. This means a LOT of listening to her talk for long periods of time, and lots of cuddling (if she is up for that, don't force it on her if she isn't in the mood).
2) If she starts to blame herself, or thinks that there's something wrong with who she is, TELL HER OTHERWISE. Having been through a few down periods in my life (not full on depressions), I can tell you that the worst part is the self hatred and feelings of inadequacy. Squash those. Tell her that there is nothing wrong with who she is. Be there to prop her up when she can't do it herself.
3) Small acts of random kindness. Take care of some of her chores if you live together. If she comes by to visit, make hot chocolate for the both of you, and mention that you wanted some, and since she was coming over you thought you'd just happen to make some for her too. Basically, do nice things for her while making sure that you do not make a big deal out of it. Make sure that she doesn't feel you're going super far out of your way for her, or she might start feeling like she's being a burden.
That's all I got. good luck.
Here is my advice to you:
1) Be there for her, emotionally and physically. This means a LOT of listening to her talk for long periods of time, and lots of cuddling (if she is up for that, don't force it on her if she isn't in the mood).
2) If she starts to blame herself, or thinks that there's something wrong with who she is, TELL HER OTHERWISE. Having been through a few down periods in my life (not full on depressions), I can tell you that the worst part is the self hatred and feelings of inadequacy. Squash those. Tell her that there is nothing wrong with who she is. Be there to prop her up when she can't do it herself.
3) Small acts of random kindness. Take care of some of her chores if you live together. If she comes by to visit, make hot chocolate for the both of you, and mention that you wanted some, and since she was coming over you thought you'd just happen to make some for her too. Basically, do nice things for her while making sure that you do not make a big deal out of it. Make sure that she doesn't feel you're going super far out of your way for her, or she might start feeling like she's being a burden.
That's all I got. good luck.
Depression is not something you can actively help much with. If she is having professional help on her own accord and not being forced into it, then you're probably already on the right track. What you need to do is to just be there for her, but keep in mind that she might need a little more space occasionally. You'll have to be patient with her, and make sure you don't treat her like she's sick or fragile.