Depressed loved ones

[Ctherbunni]

I really want to get this out there, but I'm uncomfortable sharing some things with people I actually know so I guess I'm asking here.

My girlfriend has a bit of a history with being depressed and she doesn't exactly live in the best household, but a whole heaping lot of it involves things she doesn't really like to talk about. It's not like she doesn't trust me--she's already told me plenty more than she tells most people. It's just certain things, but I don't want to pry, and being someone who's gone through a pretty rough patch herself I know that one of the worst things you can do is interrogate a depressed person about why they're sad. It just kills me that all I can do is sit with her quietly when she's feeling down. I'm so damn afraid of blabbering like an idiot instead of actually cheering her up.

I don't think the silence is bad. I know that it's comforting to have someone to cry on who doesn't ask a ton of stupid questions, but...I don't know. I wish I was better at cheering her up, but I know that people can't just be happy 24-7. I guess I'm just writing all this to get it off my chest, but if anyone has any useful advice I'd really appreciate it.

 

[ultrachicken]

It sounds to me like you're doing your job just fine. I know it sucks, but it seems to me like you're being a big help.

 

[Ctherbunni]

It sounds to me like you're doing your job just fine. I know it sucks, but it seems to me like you're being a big help.

Thanks for that. I just really hate to see her that way, but I'd probably feel like I was doing something wrong no matter what I did.

 

[Melian]

It sounds to me like you're doing your job just fine. I know it sucks, but it seems to me like you're being a big help.

I agree, just hang in there. Be there for her, no matter how long it takes, so that she knows she can count on you not disappearing.

 

[The Man With the Soap]

I could suggest exercise. I find doing my PT really helps me focus and calm myself.

 

[Iskander_Estel]

I think you should cheer her in a diferent way, maybe not with words, but you sure know how to make yout girl smile.

And don't take it like that, instead of feeling bad about yourself for not doing anything, you should focus on her, she need you calm and cool.

 

[SiskoBlue]

You can always put the message out there "I'm here for you" and just make sure you keep your promise. If she's in a difficult situation with her family then just knowing she has at least one rock solid person to support her could make all the difference. It doesn't have to be patronising, and giving advice will probably just make her defensive, just let her know that what ever is happening you'll be there to chat or help if she wants it. Friendship is trust, loyalty and support. Provide those things and she'll be fine.

 

[Dr Ampersand]

If she doesn't want to talk about it then don't force her. But let her know that even if you won't force her to talk, you'll still try to cheer her up and make her happy even if you don't know why she needs it.

I also try recommend trying the following: hugs, cuddles, compliments, pet names, tickling and doing stuff together like going to a movie.

 

[Valksy]

Totally unqualified layperson's opinion:


Difficult situation. I understand that you want to be there for her and you can do your best by making sure that she understands that she has time and space to talk to you if she needs to. Communication is key to get the idea across that you will listen if she wants to talk, but that you don't expect her to if she isn't ready or comfortable.

As a depression sufferer myself, sometimes it is just nice to know that someone gives a damn and even if they feel it is just "babble" it is comforting to just have someone there making a connection with you. Again, communication, if you worry you are babbling, then ask a neutral question and see if she is ready to be drawn back in to conversation with you. If she is quiet and unresponsive or doesn't want to change the subject, keep talking.

BUT (and this is a big but) there is a limit to how much a family member/friend/loved one should try and counsel someone with obvious difficulties, especially if she has a depression diagnosis. It could be harmful to your relationship if you try, may be more than you yourself can safely handle and women do - in my experience at least - tend to emotionally feed off one another. Not to suggest that depression is "catching" but it can start to have an influence on your wellbeing as well and become a cycle between you.

I have no idea where you are from or how old you are so that might limit your access to professional assistance. And that assumes that she is willing to seek help - it has to come from within her of course. You can ask her how she feels about finding a neutral 3rd party to bounce her ideas off (do a search locally if necessary for volunteer groups who can offer assistance if you live in a country where professional help is not free or is not confidential enough if she is under majority age).

 

[Bradd94]

snip

Firstly, I'm sorry to hear it, as I'm sure everyone is.

My girlfriend, whilst not being depressed herself, has a mother who has a dependancy on pethidine. Its a drug similar to morphine, I'm pretty sure its prodominantly used for pain relief during labour.

Basically what I'm trying to say is you can't let it get you down. I've spent nights with her when she's just cried for hours. She has approached her mother about it on the rare ocassion she's sober, and has only received abuse in return. Neither of us understand why she's addicted to pethidine, but thats just how she is. She'll spend days on the couch or locked in her bedroom; preferring to drug herself than face the day.

I get the hint something significant happened in her past. My girlfriend wont go into it (kind of brushes it off as if its nothing) but I naturally worry all the same. I find that you can't press for information like that. So long as you have made it known to your partner that you're there if they need you, you don't need to do anything more. Eventually either the problem will end, or they'll come and explain - but they'll appreciate you even more if you let them do it in their own time.