Do you think relationships between close friends can work (and am I in the friend-zone)?

[theparsonski]

I started getting to know a girl in December, possibly the most amazing person I know. She's funny, kind, really quirky, gorgeous (in my opinion) and we get on really well. I know I've only really been friends with her for a couple of months, but in that time we've become very close, and I'd actually class her as one of my three best friends.

Trouble is, I have feelings for her. She found out that I had a crush on her during December, and felt bad because she thought she had led me on by accident on New Year's Eve - but I convinced her that I no longer felt that way, and since then we've just become even better friends. Unfortunately, I think I may be now in love with her.

Don't go on about how 'you can't love someone after 2 months' or 'it's just lust' and things like that. I know how I feel - it's definitely not lust, I don't think there has been a single waking hour since I realised how much I like her that she hasn't crossed my mind at least once. Just trust that I have very strong feelings for her.

She has only been in two relationships before, and they were both with guys she didn't know very well. They also both ended badly after a month. She seems to go through phases where she believes that a relationship with a close friend would be amazing, and then also phases where she finds the concept really weird. I'm not even going to try to understand her, she's far too complex, and doesn't fit the stereotypes that many girls do.

Do you think she could change her mind for the better? She agreed that relationships with friends last the longest, and are the best. Is this a good sign? I definitely don't think she likes me at the minute, but I don't think she likes anyone at the minute. Do you think I've been friendzoned? And do you think that relationships between good friends can work?

If you want more details, just ask.

 

[Daystar Clarion]

[HEADING=1]Highway to the Friend-a-zone![/HEADING]

[sub][sub]I miss these threads [/sub][/sub]

Go for it dude.

Better to crash and burn than to be left pondering if it would have worked, just try not to come across as desperate, pile it on slow like.

[HEADING=1]Friend-a-zone![/HEADING]

 

[Epic Bear Man]

So far the way it sounds, it sounds like you have been friendzoned. She thought she lead you on previously, then felt bad, so it would suggest she really just wants to be friends with you.

As far as if relationships between good friends can work, I would think it's possible, just it's a hard thing to go towards. The reason she may not want to date you is because if something bad goes on during the relationship, that wouldn't just damage your relationship as significant others; it would also damage your friendship entirely. If you two broke up, at least in her mind, it might suggest you guys would have an unfixable relationship. That there would be no going back to being friends at all.

At least that's my assumption from what you've said. Does it appear like she may be attracted to another friend of yours/hers? She may just be saying those things about relationships with friends to suggest she wants your opinion on whether she should date another friend of hers. =/

But don't take my assumptions as concrete evidence. It's just assumptions; pure speculation.

 

[Phasmal]

Relationships between close friends absolutely work, but only when both are looking for the same thing, when you may not be.
It doesn't sound to me like she is into you, or she'd probably have said something when she found out that you were crushing on her.
You have a few options, really, you can ask her out, stop being friends with her or just commit to being her friend.
She probably wont change her mind if you've told her you're no longer crushing on her and are just being her friend (you kinda friendzoned yourself there).
Still, go for it. Let her know how you feel.
If she feels the same, cool, if not, at least you were honest about it.

 

[theparsonski]

Sorry Daystar, I know they're annoying. But I want some advice that isn't shit (Yahoo Answers consistently serves that dish).

So far the way it sounds, it sounds like you have been friendzoned. She thought she lead you on previously, then felt bad, so it would suggest she really just wants to be friends with you.

As far as if relationships between good friends can work, I would think it's possible, just it's a hard thing to go towards. The reason she may not want to date you is because if something bad goes on during the relationship, that wouldn't just damage your relationship as significant others; it would also damage your friendship entirely. If you two broke up, at least in her mind, it might suggest you guys would have an unfixable relationship. That there would be no going back to being friends at all.

At least that's my assumption from what you've said. Does it appear like she may be attracted to another friend of yours/hers? She may just be saying those things about relationships with friends to suggest she wants your opinion on whether she should date another friend of hers. =/

But don't take my assumptions as concrete evidence. It's just assumptions; pure speculation.

Well, at the time that she believed she'd led me on, she did like someone else - her ex. Then she realised that he'd changed a huge amount since they went out, and that he was a bit of a twat. I know that she really enjoys my company, and that she also thinks I'm quite attractive (I'm not just saying that - my other best mate, who is also one of her closest friends (we've got a Harry/Ron/Hermione thing going on) told me she'd said so). I definitely understand why she may be reluctant to have a relationship with a friend like that, and it is also one of my fears too - but not enough of a fear to forget about the idea.

In answer to your question, I don't think so. I was at her house along with the other guy I just mentioned, and we were talking about relationships. She said to him that she couldn't imagine them dating, because it would be like going out with her brother. She didn't say that to me; which I took as a good sign. She goes to an all girls Sixth Form, so she only really has about 4 or 5 close male friends, including me. One is already in a relationship, two are 'like brothers', the other one I don't really know about, and then there's also me.

So I don't really know...

 

[TheRightToArmBears]

It possible- my longest and best relationships grew out of friendships that already existed (although I'm currently single, make of that what you will). I hate to say it but it doesn't sound like she likes you in that way, but you never know, times change. My advice is try to forget about it, but keep an open mind on it.

 

[Lynx]

Better to take the shot and miss instead of going months or years wondering what could have been...

As far as I'm concerned, relationships work better if you're close friends to begin with. That way, you start off with a tremendous respect for one another, along with a basic comfort and trust that usually takes quite a while to develop if you're strangers. And when the romance withers, the arguments fire up, or the logistics of living together/apart start to pick away at your patience with one another, you'll still have a friend in each other. That's gold.

Just talk to her. I know it's probably tricky and messy, but it will be far more tricky and messy if you bottle everything up. If she's a good friend, she'll treat you with respect, and she'll do her best with whatever she has. Falling in love with your best friend is not the end of the world, even if it feels like it initially, trust me.

(My own experience: I have a close friend who's been in love with me more than once, last time was almost three years ago. Once he finally came clean about it, I told him that I absolutely did not feel the same about him, and that I didn't want to. Since then he let me go, and is now since 2 years back shacked up with a nice gal in Norway.)

 

[Spinozaad]

In my experience, relationship upgrades between friends tend to crash and burn. The relationship dynamic between friends is completely different from a more romantic relationship. It's hard to adjust from one dynamic to the other.

That said, judging from your profile you're 16 (and, so I assume, she's about the same age), and just tell her how you feel.

Be assertive, confident and willing to accept the consequences of however the dice will roll.

 

[Sp3ratus]

You're not in the friendzone, because there's no such thing as the friendzone. You've convinced her that you don't have feelings for her anymore, ie. not making your intentions clear. Because of that, she probably assumes that you're just friends, which is reasonable on her part.

I don't think there's anything in the way of relationships developing between good friends, but in this case, she sounds like she's made up her mind. That's not to say that she couldn't ever change it, I just think it's unlikely. But anyway, as Daystar said, go for it. Make your intentions known, but try not to come of as desperate, when doing so. Nothing will ever happen, if you don't at least try.

 

[Epic Bear Man]

Well, at the time that she believed she'd led me on, she did like someone else - her ex. Then she realised that he'd changed a huge amount since they went out, and that he was a bit of a twat. I know that she really enjoys my company, and that she also thinks I'm quite attractive (I'm not just saying that - my other best mate, who is also one of her closest friends (we've got a Harry/Ron/Hermione thing going on) told me she'd said so). I definitely understand why she may be reluctant to have a relationship with a friend like that, and it is also one of my fears too - but not enough of a fear to forget about the idea.

In answer to your question, I don't think so. I was at her house along with the other guy I just mentioned, and we were talking about relationships. She said to him that she couldn't imagine them dating, because it would be like going out with her brother. She didn't say that to me; which I took as a good sign. She goes to an all girls Sixth Form, so she only really has about 4 or 5 close male friends, including me. One is already in a relationship, two are 'like brothers', the other one I don't really know about, and then there's also me.

So I don't really know...

Well that clears things up a bit more, but regardless of attraction she still may fear it could damage her relationship with you. At the same time though, it could have been a sign for her to see what you would say/insinuate. Her feelings could've changed over time.

You spoke of a mutual friend who told you she said you were attractive to her (the girl you like I mean, not the mutual friend). Perhaps you could ask this mutual friend to try asking her if she'd like to date you. Tell her to try to make it seem like a random question, and not like an exact sign that you like her. So tell the mutual friend to say something like "so do you think you and theparsonski would make a cute couple? I think you guys would. You have been spending a lot of time together." or something to that nature. Then have her report back how the girl you like responded.

That way you won't need to worry about startling her and making her grow more distant. Just be prepared for either case of news, and look for other girls if she denies that she would think you'd be good boyfriend material for her. Obviously stay her friend, but do try to move on to other women to find to be your potential mate.

Hope it helps.

 

[Thaluikhain]

The usual advice I give to people on the internet is to be careful with taking advice from people on the internet. We don't know anything other than what you've told us, and that's usually not enough to show us the whole picture.

You're not in the friendzone, because there's no such thing as the friendzone.

This. Most people aren't lusting after you[footnote]Unless you are Britney Spears in "If You Seek Amy"[/footnote]. Some of those most people are your friends.

 

[theparsonski]

Well that clears things up a bit more, but regardless of attraction she still may fear it could damage her relationship with you. At the same time though, it could have been a sign for her to see what you would say/insinuate. Her feelings could've changed over time.

You spoke of a mutual friend who told you she said you were attractive to her (the girl you like I mean, not the mutual friend). Perhaps you could ask this mutual friend to try asking her if she'd like to date you. Tell her to try to make it seem like a random question, and not like an exact sign that you like her. So tell the mutual friend to say something like "so do you think you and theparsonski would make a cute couple? I think you guys would. You have been spending a lot of time together." or something to that nature. Then have her report back how the girl you like responded.

That way you won't need to worry about startling her and making her grow more distant. Just be prepared for either case of news, and look for other girls if she denies that she would think you'd be good boyfriend material for her. Obviously stay her friend, but do try to move on to other women to find to be your potential mate.

Hope it helps.

That's actually what he has already been doing. He does think we'd be a cute couple, and did actually ask her pretty much exactly the same question that you just stated! That's when she said she wasn't sure that relationships with close friends work, but did agree that they do last the longest and are the best (contradictory, I know).

I genuinely don't think that she likes me at the moment, but that wasn't really my question. My question was whether I really had a chance with her at all. I don't believe that she could never like me, despite my powerful pessimism when it comes to relationships.

Some guys said that the friendzone doesn't exist. That's exactly what the mutual friend said, he believes it's just where the best relationships come from. So maybe that's true... in which case it makes me wonder whether telling her how I feel is a good idea after all?

Thanks for the responses guys, I was expecting backlash for posting another [GENERIC RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM] thread, but you've taken it pretty seriously.

 

[Heronblade]

Its only been a few months, and she happens to be correct in that good friendships tend to be the most long lasting relationships. What she may not yet understand is that the best and most long lasting lovers are also excellent friends. I can even give you a case example on this one. My uncle started off in the same situation as yours with my aunt-in-law, they recently celebrated their fortieth year of marriage, and are still incredibly happy together.

And so, based on my understanding of the situation, which is somewhat lacking mind you, my advice is to stay the course, be a good friend to her. If you manage to forge a strong friendship with this woman, either her feelings or your own will change over time. Either way, you have something to gain. (and if you don't think friendship with this woman is something worthwhile on its own, then it isn't love you are experiencing)

 

[burningdragoon]

Is it possible for someone to change from "I don't like you that way" to "I like you that way"? Yes.

Can relationships that start as friendships work? Also yes. But here's the thing, you already like her, so do something about it (doesn't need to be immediately). Being friends with someone in hopes that she'll come around and being friends with people because having friends is cool and sometimes they become something more are not the same. The latter is called "having friends". The former is at best somewhat unfair to both parties.

If you can like her just as a friend, stay friends, because friends are cool. But if you already like someone as much as you (say you) do, it's a little late for the the idea of being friends first.

 

[FieryTrainwreck]

My advice: be sneaky. Good sneaky.

You have to change her perception of you, but you can't do it overnight. This means subtly changing your behavior. Try not to hang out with her as a friend. Make your interactions "dates" - just the two of you going to the movies or dinner or w/e. Don't invite third wheels. If she's always insisting on them, become "busy" or otherwise indisposed. You don't want to be socializing with her in a group anymore. Period.

Don't be super serious. No big declarations. Be positive and focus on showing her a good time. Open doors, pull out chairs, etc. Stand/sit close to her - within reason. If she enjoys herself on your "dates", she'll pursue those interactions. From there, things tend to grow very organically.

If she doesn't start seeing you differently, if you feel very much stuck in the friend zone after a few more months, you should probably think about taking a break from her all together. Unrequited love can be very, very painful. It's always best to put yourself out there, give it your best shot, and move on the moment it becomes clear nothing will happen. The tricky part is doing all of this in a way that has a chance of succeeding - and that means NOT jumping down her throat with sweeping pronouncements of love and devotion.

Then, if she presses you about why you're pulling away, you can be more honest and straight forward. It's one thing to say "I love you" and expect reciprocation. It's another to say "I think I have feelings for you, and they're making it difficult to be around you as just your friend, so I need some space". Most decent gals will recoil from the former and respect the latter.

Edit: I feel like I really need to stress the "subtle" part of all this. If you can't pull it off with a very light, virtually invisible touch, it will seem odd. Still, it's a good thing to practice. If something like this happens to you, chances are very good it will happen again. Best if you know how to handle yourself the next time.

Also, don't resign yourself to only friendship if you really want something more. I understand the notion that you'd be doing her a disservice by depriving her of a friend, but people don't always get what they want. You don't get to be her boyfriend? That's fine. But she might not get to have you as a friend either. All depends on what's sustainable for you. Sounds like being her friend will suck for you. Don't hesitate to protect yourself by severing that connection.

 

[Quaxar]

That reminds me of a situation I was in a few years back. Only I was the girl and he was an 8 stories tall crustation from the Paleolithic era. In the end, we agreed to postpone the boating lessons until my maracas were back from the repair shop.
Oh wait, that was a dream...

Aaaaanyway, have you talked to friends of yours that know her or her friends even? I mean their opinions are certainly better than of most internet folks.