Done thread- no more comments please.

[Lpreki93]

I wish there was a delete thread option on here.

 

[AnarchistFish]

Has he actually admitted to kissing her?

 

[Stilusul]

If you've asked him to stop and he hasn't I would say you're justified in your actions.

 

[Soviet Steve]

Well it is obvious that you cannot function with the two of them being close, and if you wish for his relationship with you to continue it would seem sensible to make an ultimatum wherein either he ditches contact with his ex or he agrees that the relationship is unworkable and ends it.

I don't know the lad personally but your suspicion seems reasonable and you didn't enter into the relationship because he makes you feel miserable.

I wish you the best with resolving it. :s

 

[Dutch 924]

Let it slide for now, but keep an eye on him, and don't let paranoia get the better of you.
I know this sounds ruthless, but sometimes (not always) you might have to make the tough decisions.

 

[BiscuitTrouser]

Who massages their friends feet What an odd thing to do. Thats a little overly friendly if you ask me. You should question that definately, ex's are strange scary and dangerous things and i know its easy to get paranoid. The texting is fine, the invasion of privacy? Not fine. Dont invade your loved ones privacy, it proves that you have no trust in them. Proves it to them and to you and you should never do it, however tempting.

You are 100% allowed all feelings no matter how stupid. He's obligated if he cares about you to care about your feelings too, even if they are silly, and if they upset you, to do his best to help in some shape or form. Now with the foot rub he was 100% in the wrong. With the facebook invasion? Now its not so clear. It was a bad move. But never mind. Its done now.

I wouldnt break up over hearsay. Pin him down, bring these friends with you and say "Did you do X". See what happens. The footrub was too far, punish him for that. And apologise for the privacy invasion. Say he has every right to be friends with his ex but he has to respect your feelings. If you feel the flirting is too far its too far. Full stop. You dont have to put up with shit you are not happy with. Never settle. Always question, always ask if you can change a little action to make you happier. Never be afraid to actually pin people down and get real answers. One conversation with 100% honesty may be hurtfull but its a billion times better than crappy little social dances where you learn nothing. Honesty and openness. Good things.

 

[Dwarfman]

Snip

Jeez... I'm really the last person who should reply to this tread but wish you all the best.

I don't think you are a bad girlfrend - or even paranoid for that matter - merely someone who is concrned about someone they love.

My only advise. Confront him. Not in a bad way. Just talk to him. Too many relationships I've known of have ended because people don't talk to one another. Maybe he feels there are unresolved issues between himelf and his ex? You won't know unless you comunicate

 

[Batou667]

Three words: dump his ass.

 

[Nargleblarg]

If you've asked him to stop and he hasn't I would say you're justified in your actions.

I would have to agree with this. If you've made this issue apparent and he still remains this way then you are justified.

Flirting on this level when in a relationship for me would be beyond reason enough for to break it off with someone.

 

[Cowabungaa]

I'm joining the confrontation crowd here. Don't make it too hostile straight away, but it's okay to be honest. After three years, I'd reckon you can be straight with each other. If he can't, I'd consider breaking up.

 

[dark-mortality]

Drop the asshole! he is NOT worth your time if he even dares to think about the thought of cheating.

 

[2xDouble]

Well, to borrow a line from LoveFAQ: "Life is not a Meg Ryan movie". Men and women can be friends and only friends.

However, your situation looks beyond mere friendship. He's still clearly in love with his ex, you called him out on it, and he chose her over you. It's as simple as that. If he can't commit to you, or at least tone down the flirting with his ex (both in front of you and behind your back), then you're better off without him.

 

[Mallefunction]

I don't think the facebook thing is really an invasion of privacy. If it's online and not protected in some way, it's public information at that point.

Honestly, I'd talk to him and her about it and then talk with his friends just to see if they know anything that they've been dishonest with you about. Don't make it an interrogation though and don't go further than that. If you have a feeling that something is wrong after doing those things, dump him.

 

[iLazy]

If he stills has feelings for his ex and your unsure about your relationship, I think it's time for you to break up.

However, if you do want to continue your relationship, ask him to stop being so flirty with his ex. Explain to him that it makes you uncomfortable and nervous that he's still extremely friendly with his ex (who he had or has feelings for). If he doesn't, then I believe you should break up because you're going to get hurt or he's going to get hurt.

Try talking calmly together. Don't accuse him of anything. Just explain to him how you feel about these rumours, and his extreme friendliness towards his ex. If he brushes them off, then he's being really inconsiderate.

Now as for the logging into his facebook, that's a bad paranoid girlfriend move. Unless he's given you permission to do so, I would stop doing that.

 

[Genericjim101]

So, my boyfriend and I first met over our passion for video games. We bonded over time, and eventually just become "one person". We've been dating for 3 years, but the main problem is that during our entire relationship, he's always had obvious feelings for his ex. I used to be friends with her, so she used to tell me things about their relationship that I just wish I could forget. Recently, she's moved away to college, but he has been texting her more and more often. So of course it has bugged me a little. A few days ago I went over his house and caught them sitting on the back porch massaging each other's feet. So I became angry and left. And now we're going through a break up. I thought that there was a good chance I was over reacting and decided to do the one thing I always promised myself I would never do, I logged on to his facebook and read his messages. I was hoping that it would give me a reason to trust him, and that there would be nothing but innocent friendly chat between them. But I read conversation after conversation of him flirting with her in a way that you should NOT flirt with your ex. He says that they were just joking, and that he did nothing wrong and just has an issue with flirting. But now I'm torn. I've had issues with him being too friendly with her before, and plenty of people, including her best friend, have all said that they've kissed several times while I've been with him.

I'm not good with relationships, but I love him more than anything and I wish I could believe what he says.
So what do you think Escapist? Does his little friendship seem a little too friendly? Or am I just being a paranoid bad girlfriend??

It could be an emotional affair even without physical contact but if you don't feel comfortable then there's the issue regardless of what the truth is. Your suspicion is strong enough to cause you to feel this way about it in a fairly justified situation. If you have mentioned how this makes you feel and no concessions were made then it doesn't sound as if it's going to change.

If the jealousy card is thrown at you then you know your feelings aren't respected.

 

[Smooth Operator]

Ya they aren't over their relationship that much is clear, I see no reason to doubt they were kissing before.
You can't actually be with someone like this, love triangles are a killer, I had my fair share and it never goes well for anyone involved.

My suggestion is to give him space, either way their shit unfolds I say prepare to move on, maybe you two will find your way back together at some point but this clearly isn't the right time.

 

[SckizoBoy]

So what do you think Escapist?

Read on...

Does his little friendship seem a little too friendly?

Yes, very much so, particularly after the Facebook chat issue.

Or am I just being a paranoid bad girlfriend??

Nope... he broke the trust first.

Now, I have experience of such a scenario, only from the guy's perspective. I went out with a girl for about six months, during which all I ever did was think about my ex. We never met each other physically during the duration of this relationship, but I did call her quite often. Needless to say, my then girlfriend was not best pleased, even if she did know the nature of my relationship with my ex. What made it worse was that I'm happy before I make the phone call, but depressed as hell when I hang up and don't want to do anything with my girlfriend, but that's another matter. The point is, my mind was clearly on the wrong person. Just so that I don't appear that much of a jerk, I ended the relationship, and we had a hideously long conversation the day we broke up that we were both better for.

Essentially, he has a whole lot of getting over to do, and he is not as emotionally invested in this relationship, not by a country mile. And think about that... and I mean, really think about it. Can you love him as much as you say you do when it is clear that he is unwilling to do the same? Dump him, dump him quickly and harshly, and don't listen to anything he says. He has to earn your trust, first...

 

[Princess Rose]

Recently, she's moved away to college, but he has been texting her more and more often.

Ah, High School romance. So full of melodrama.

Sorry, but in a relationship, you don't get to decide who your lover's friends are. How would you feel if he didn't approve of one of your friendships? You'd be offended, right?

You have no right to hold anything on his Facebook account against him. That was private info that held nothing but flirtation - flirtation, you said, that he also does in "real life".

When people have seen each other naked, it changes things. There's an edge to the flirting that wasn't there before. But here's the kicker:

If he wanted to be with her, he'd be with her. He's not. He's with you.

That should be all the proof you need.

 

[Johnny Impact]

Maybe he's not as invested in you as he should be.
Maybe he's flirting with her to provoke you, gauge your response.
Maybe he's trying to have his cake and eat it, too.
Maybe a whole bunch of things.

Bottom linea, he shouldn't be doing it. I wouldn't tolerate my girlfriend kissing another guy in a romantic way (peck on the cheek for long acquaintances is okay).

 

[DoomyMcDoom]

if you wanna get him to stop you just gotta snap his ass back into reality, any man who cannot get over a previous love interest is weak and insecure as a person... I don't think I COULD have feelings for any of the women I've been with in the past... I destroy my own emotional connections to preserve my own sanity/security as a person... I think you gotta talk to her, and then to him, get her side of it straight, if she agrees to stop this BS, you can always check in a day or so to see if she's talked to him and how. if that doesn't work out talk to him and tell him to get his head outa his ass... I would suggest pointing out what you and he have built as a relationship, maybe point out how he's just chasing his tail like a stupid dog at that point... sometimes you gotta be harsh, especially with us guys, we tend to be pretty dense...

If all of that doesn't work, well, dude's a lost cause, hasta learn his shit the hard way, dump him and step back outa the situation... done and done.