Women: You can make ANY work outfit into a sexy Halloween costume. Here?s how.
First, take a pair of scissors and butcher the pants/skirt to become either obscenely short shorts or an extravagantly tiny skirt.
Next, put on your best push-up bra or just let your girls hang free. The key is to look exactly like a stripper, or possibly even a prostitute during business hours.
Now, either unbutton your shirt until it reaches treacherous proximity to your boobs or just rip that thing down. Feeling daring? Tie the bottom of that sucker in a knot so we can all see that belly button ring you won at Chuck-E-Cheese when you finally turned in those tickets you?d been saving since you were seven. That?s right; tickets you won during the innocence of youth will be contributing to this otherwise socially unacceptable ensemble. But it?s OK; no one is going to think you?re a slut; it?s Halloween we?re talking about here, the national holiday that inexplicably went through a metamorphosis from a quest to stock up on candy into a day where no one is going to judge you whoring yourself out before passing out underneath the beer pong table with the dog; a dog who is frightened by the dozens of costumed, screaming, intoxicated twenty-somethings who suddenly have invaded his sandbox. What once was a site for adventures for this dog has now been reduced to a sticky, disgusting mess. Thus, he remains under the table, mortified by the sounds of bouncing ping pong balls and ?party fouls? occurring just on the other side of the closet door turned on its side and hastily MacGuyver?d into a game board that is, at this point, coated in at least four spilled cans of Natural Light.
My apologies, I got a little bit off-topic for a second there. I forgot about the whole ?how to make a costume? aspect of this post.
So anyway, here?s the final touch. No one really knows why, but no female Halloween costume is complete without seemingly inappropriate and completely uncoordinated thigh high stockings; suspenders optional. Seriously, they go with any profession-themed costume! Everything from a nurse to a truck driver to an embarrassment to one?s family! For some reason, covering your legs with something is actually hotter than keeping them bare; so long as Tommy Beerhelmet can clearly see your uncovered thighs where the fishnet stops. It?s quick, easy, and really adds to the whole ?I?m wearing SO few garments right now!? image.
Oh, and I forgot one more very important addition to any female Halloween costume. That pair of eight-inch heels you bought during Spring Break that one time as a ?joke? so your friends wouldn?t think you were slutty; just spontaneous and SOOOO [insert your name here]. There are a lot of benefits to wearing ridiculously tall high heels to Halloween parties. Here are some of them:
1. When you get drunk, it?s a great way to get people together; people who will play drinking games and bet money based on how long they personally feel that you will be able to wobble back and forth on those uncomfortable and dangerously topheavy cattle prods you call shoes before you fall violently onto your ass and laugh (due to the inability to feel the pain of your broken coccyx after one too many ?just this once? keg stands where you were held in the air by four drunk guys who really just wanted to see if your were going commando on this particular evening, then potentially make the decision to attempt to fornicate with you on the tailgate of somebody else?s Ford Ranger in the front yard at 4:00AM) while one of your near-identically dressed and equally smashed girlfriends helps you out of the Taco Bell remnants you planted your ass into. It really gets people together and lightens the mood, especially if the night has been riddled with some serious ?WHY ARE YOU HITTING ON MY GIRLFRIEND WHO NEVER MENTIONED MY EXISTENCE AND HIT ON YOU INITIALLY?!? drama.
2. It allows you to find your other girlfriends wearing similar shoes in a crowd. Everyone else will be about a foot below you, down where the party is.
3. Whenever you realize that the guy in the Heath Ledger Joker costume is either gay or has decided to go after Sally in her ?sassy secretary? outfit instead of you, leading you to settle for the guy who punched his best friend in the face for being a poor beer pong partner, you will be able to take comfort in knowing that when you both finally start making out in the carport under a beautiful cloud of Marlboro Light fog and a poster of AC/DC, you will be the one looking downward. As the laws of gravity tell us, it?s a much better place to be when that inevitable burst of that Waffle House dinner erupts from your mouth after you accidentally lick the pile of Grizzly Wintergreen he never removed from his lip before he kissed you. This way, he?ll get covered in what is probably the nastiest fluid on earth from above and you will remain clean enough to either A) Try again with another guy or B) Cry to your girlfriend under the beer pong table and feel reassured when she tells you that he deserved to get doused in your half-digested All-Star Breakfast for being such a DICK to Janet earlier that night when he was totally staring at the boobs she had hoisted out of her top to get ?comfortable?.
Well, there you go! You did it, the perfect Halloween. Oh, and wear a hat. A tiny hat. But it must sit crooked on your head ever so slightly. That, or just take one from some desperate looking guy in a flirtatious manner and wear it all night. Don?t worry; not only will he not remember losing the hat, but he won?t remember wearing it. Ever.
You see? It?s your hat. To have. The end.
First, take a pair of scissors and butcher the pants/skirt to become either obscenely short shorts or an extravagantly tiny skirt.
Next, put on your best push-up bra or just let your girls hang free. The key is to look exactly like a stripper, or possibly even a prostitute during business hours.
Now, either unbutton your shirt until it reaches treacherous proximity to your boobs or just rip that thing down. Feeling daring? Tie the bottom of that sucker in a knot so we can all see that belly button ring you won at Chuck-E-Cheese when you finally turned in those tickets you?d been saving since you were seven. That?s right; tickets you won during the innocence of youth will be contributing to this otherwise socially unacceptable ensemble. But it?s OK; no one is going to think you?re a slut; it?s Halloween we?re talking about here, the national holiday that inexplicably went through a metamorphosis from a quest to stock up on candy into a day where no one is going to judge you whoring yourself out before passing out underneath the beer pong table with the dog; a dog who is frightened by the dozens of costumed, screaming, intoxicated twenty-somethings who suddenly have invaded his sandbox. What once was a site for adventures for this dog has now been reduced to a sticky, disgusting mess. Thus, he remains under the table, mortified by the sounds of bouncing ping pong balls and ?party fouls? occurring just on the other side of the closet door turned on its side and hastily MacGuyver?d into a game board that is, at this point, coated in at least four spilled cans of Natural Light.
My apologies, I got a little bit off-topic for a second there. I forgot about the whole ?how to make a costume? aspect of this post.
So anyway, here?s the final touch. No one really knows why, but no female Halloween costume is complete without seemingly inappropriate and completely uncoordinated thigh high stockings; suspenders optional. Seriously, they go with any profession-themed costume! Everything from a nurse to a truck driver to an embarrassment to one?s family! For some reason, covering your legs with something is actually hotter than keeping them bare; so long as Tommy Beerhelmet can clearly see your uncovered thighs where the fishnet stops. It?s quick, easy, and really adds to the whole ?I?m wearing SO few garments right now!? image.
Oh, and I forgot one more very important addition to any female Halloween costume. That pair of eight-inch heels you bought during Spring Break that one time as a ?joke? so your friends wouldn?t think you were slutty; just spontaneous and SOOOO [insert your name here]. There are a lot of benefits to wearing ridiculously tall high heels to Halloween parties. Here are some of them:
1. When you get drunk, it?s a great way to get people together; people who will play drinking games and bet money based on how long they personally feel that you will be able to wobble back and forth on those uncomfortable and dangerously topheavy cattle prods you call shoes before you fall violently onto your ass and laugh (due to the inability to feel the pain of your broken coccyx after one too many ?just this once? keg stands where you were held in the air by four drunk guys who really just wanted to see if your were going commando on this particular evening, then potentially make the decision to attempt to fornicate with you on the tailgate of somebody else?s Ford Ranger in the front yard at 4:00AM) while one of your near-identically dressed and equally smashed girlfriends helps you out of the Taco Bell remnants you planted your ass into. It really gets people together and lightens the mood, especially if the night has been riddled with some serious ?WHY ARE YOU HITTING ON MY GIRLFRIEND WHO NEVER MENTIONED MY EXISTENCE AND HIT ON YOU INITIALLY?!? drama.
2. It allows you to find your other girlfriends wearing similar shoes in a crowd. Everyone else will be about a foot below you, down where the party is.
3. Whenever you realize that the guy in the Heath Ledger Joker costume is either gay or has decided to go after Sally in her ?sassy secretary? outfit instead of you, leading you to settle for the guy who punched his best friend in the face for being a poor beer pong partner, you will be able to take comfort in knowing that when you both finally start making out in the carport under a beautiful cloud of Marlboro Light fog and a poster of AC/DC, you will be the one looking downward. As the laws of gravity tell us, it?s a much better place to be when that inevitable burst of that Waffle House dinner erupts from your mouth after you accidentally lick the pile of Grizzly Wintergreen he never removed from his lip before he kissed you. This way, he?ll get covered in what is probably the nastiest fluid on earth from above and you will remain clean enough to either A) Try again with another guy or B) Cry to your girlfriend under the beer pong table and feel reassured when she tells you that he deserved to get doused in your half-digested All-Star Breakfast for being such a DICK to Janet earlier that night when he was totally staring at the boobs she had hoisted out of her top to get ?comfortable?.
Well, there you go! You did it, the perfect Halloween. Oh, and wear a hat. A tiny hat. But it must sit crooked on your head ever so slightly. That, or just take one from some desperate looking guy in a flirtatious manner and wear it all night. Don?t worry; not only will he not remember losing the hat, but he won?t remember wearing it. Ever.
You see? It?s your hat. To have. The end.
