Explaining yourself on Valentine's Day....

[Paragon Fury]

So yesterday day, I made this;

One of the responses, the one about stopping the self-pity, caused me to think a bit more than the others. I'm wondering; where exactly does the line between "self-pity" and "realistic self-assessment" lay? Is it in the phrasing? How you react to it? Is there any difference at all?

And here is what I said in the comment section that prompted that comment;

"Yes, I'm an average/below average white male who isn't physically attractive, doesn't have a lot of money, who while probably smarter and more informed than your average person isn't smarter to such a degree to make it a notable feature. I'm neither witty nor funny, my sense of humor alternates between "dark" and "none". My social skills are almost non-existent and my life is duller than an un-sharpened letter opener.

But yes, I'm sure someone out there is for me; that is of course, ignoring any of my personal preferences and opinions on them."

I mean, to myself, what I said seems likely a fairly realistic, if overly harsh self-assessment. I'm not blind to the world around me and I know that very little of what or who I am is something would be interested in, and that what they do like they could easily find in someone else that also offers them more. I don't see how that really descends into self-pity.

 

[Zontar]

I think the difference between self pity and realistic self-assessment lay not in how one look at oneself, but in how one thinks they can improve upon things.

Self pity in my mind is putting yourself down and thinking it's impossible to improve things (something that I've seen far too many people in hard places manage to find joy to believe for a moment is realistic), a realistic self-assessment leaves room for what you know you can do. A few years back I weighed about 30 pounds more then I do now, but I lost the weight and kept it off. That's not a particularly great example, but it's something I can think of off the top of my head. Someone who pities themselves wouldn't think they could realistically loose the weight, someone who reflects on themselves knows it can be done.

 

[Secondhand Revenant]

So yesterday day, I made this;

Just saying... I've never had to explain myself about being single. I've never even had a question about it.

One of the responses, the one about stopping the self-pity, caused me to think a bit more than the others. I'm wondering; where exactly does the line between "self-pity" and "realistic self-assessment" lay? Is it in the phrasing? How you react to it? Is there any difference at all?

And here is what I said in the comment section that prompted that comment;

"Yes, I'm an average/below average white male who isn't physically attractive, doesn't have a lot of money, who while probably smarter and more informed than your average person isn't smarter to such a degree to make it a notable feature. I'm neither witty nor funny, my sense of humor alternates between "dark" and "none". My social skills are almost non-existent and my life is duller than an un-sharpened letter opener.

But yes, I'm sure someone out there is for me; that is of course, ignoring any of my personal preferences and opinions on them."

You may want to link for full context: http://imgur.com/kILeRaY


Anyways, the very act of making the thread and complaining as you did starts giving that perception. That particular attitude and sarcasm doesn't help. Like quite frankly what's the point of griping about this? It sounds like griping about how impossible it is for you to do it more than about people being optimistic.

I mean, to myself, what I said seems likely a fairly realistic, if overly harsh self-assessment. I'm not blind to the world around me and I know that very little of what or who I am is something would be interested in, and that what they do like they could easily find in someone else that also offers them more. I don't see how that really descends into self-pity.

I'm not sure why you think it was that particular part they thought was self-pity. Like I said I'd imagine it was more about the comment as a whole.

 

[DrownedAmmet]

So yesterday day, I made this;

-cut image-

One of the responses, the one about stopping the self-pity, caused me to think a bit more than the others. I'm wondering; where exactly does the line between "self-pity" and "realistic self-assessment" lay? Is it in the phrasing? How you react to it? Is there any difference at all?

And here is what I said in the comment section that prompted that comment;

"Yes, I'm an average/below average white male who isn't physically attractive, doesn't have a lot of money, who while probably smarter and more informed than your average person isn't smarter to such a degree to make it a notable feature. I'm neither witty nor funny, my sense of humor alternates between "dark" and "none". My social skills are almost non-existent and my life is duller than an un-sharpened letter opener.

But yes, I'm sure someone out there is for me; that is of course, ignoring any of my personal preferences and opinions on them."

I mean, to myself, what I said seems likely a fairly realistic, if overly harsh self-assessment. I'm not blind to the world around me and I know that very little of what or who I am is something would be interested in, and that what they do like they could easily find in someone else that also offers them more. I don't see how that really descends into self-pity.

I tend to err on the side of confidence when it comes to self assessment.

Was that barista really flirting with me, or is she just trying to get a tip? If it can go either way, fuck it, might as well assume it's because I'm fly as fuck.

Also, as a side note, I totally believe in the whole "there is someone out there for everyone" tripe. Look at all the crazy shit that people are in to that the internet has brought together! If there's someone happy to put shit in their mouth, there's someone out there who would be happy to put your tongue in their mouth

 

[manic_depressive13]

...who while probably smarter and more informed than your average person isn't smarter to such a degree to make it a notable feature.

Even when I'm being humble, I'm being smug! And then:

But yes, I'm sure someone out there is for me; that is of course, ignoring any of my personal preferences and opinions on them.

Translation: Why can't I be completely mediocre in every way but still expect an above average partner?!

Yeah, I'd say this person's assessment of their relationship prospects is pretty realistic. They need to either improve themselves or lower their standards if they want a partner.

Edit: Oh wait, it's the OP. For some reason I decided someone else had written that stuff. Well sorry OP, harsh but true.

 

[Spider RedNight]

It's the internet. Every time someone self-degrades or gives a "realistic explanation" of themselves (and I guess you're in a minourity as I never have to explain why I'm single on Valentine's Day either), they're always drowning in self-pity.

Also it's self-pity because you didn't put ANY positive qualities about yourself. "eternal optimist" or no, you can't just say all the negative and then be like "SIIIIGH why do I have to explain why I'm single when here's all the reasons why I might be single".

Then again, I have trouble reading social cues(especially online where there's no tone, yeesh) so I perceive everything as "all about me" whenever anyone talks about themselves no matter how factual it is - I can picture someone reading THIS and saying "Oh boo hoo Spider has trouble reading social cues, cry me a fuckin' river" - then it spirals worse than a Junji Ito comic and then I have to take a couple steps back and explain "No see it's like Patricia Tannis! Bitches love Tannis!" and then everyone shares a hearty laugh and the screen freezes and cuts to credits.

.....Where was I going with this? Oh, yeah. It might've been a better idea to pick a different meme face as "Tony Stark" and/or "Robert Downey Jr." isn't really the face I think of when I think "painfully single and lonely on Valentine's Day because I'm just so average lemme explain why". Or maybe that's just me not getting the joke again. I do that sometimes.

...Was there a joke?

 

[Zhukov]

*sigh*

Paragon, one of the truly great things about people is that we can improve ourselves.

Although of course it's one of those easier-said-than-done thing. Like, a thousand times easier. Or, more to the point, a thousand times harder.

But it can be done. Ugly people can, at the very least, get in shape. Social skills and even humour can be learned.

Or, y'know, you can spend your time bemoaning your mediocrity to the eternally indifferent anonymous online masses while masturbating over a buxom anime girl and hoping against hope that the universe hands you a partner and a life in a gift basket (spoiler alert: it fucking won't).

Now, if you're genuinely happy and content the way you are then, by all means, keep it up and fuck anyone who tells you otherwise. You're the best judge of your own happiness, not some random grumpy Aussie prick in the off-topic section of a fucking video game forum. However, I don't think you're happy. I've seen enough of your posts to think you're actually pretty damn miserable, if not mildly depressed. Happy, content people don't write stuff like the above.

But if you want anything at all to change, and chances are it can change, it'll only happen as a result of your own actions. Other people can help, but none of them can do it for you, even if they want to.

Oh, and the fact that this post makes me sounds like a godawful commercial for diet supplements or something doesn't make anything I said any less true.

 

[Squilookle]

So yesterday day, I made this;

One of the responses, the one about stopping the self-pity, caused me to think a bit more than the others. I'm wondering; where exactly does the line between "self-pity" and "realistic self-assessment" lay? Is it in the phrasing? How you react to it? Is there any difference at all?

And here is what I said in the comment section that prompted that comment;

"Yes, I'm an average/below average white male who isn't physically attractive, doesn't have a lot of money, who while probably smarter and more informed than your average person isn't smarter to such a degree to make it a notable feature. I'm neither witty nor funny, my sense of humor alternates between "dark" and "none". My social skills are almost non-existent and my life is duller than an un-sharpened letter opener.

But yes, I'm sure someone out there is for me; that is of course, ignoring any of my personal preferences and opinions on them."

I mean, to myself, what I said seems likely a fairly realistic, if overly harsh self-assessment. I'm not blind to the world around me and I know that very little of what or who I am is something would be interested in, and that what they do like they could easily find in someone else that also offers them more. I don't see how that really descends into self-pity.

Pretty simple really. The difference in realism and self pity is whether you give up or not. I notice you frame literally everything about yourself in a negative light. You basically sound like you've given up on trying, and it shows. If I saw that written on an online profile I'd mark you down as self pitying immediately and wouldn't have a bar of it.

You think you're below average? Well that can be changed over time. physically, phychologically, habitually.

Question is, what are you prepared to do about it?

 

[Thaluikhain]

...who while probably smarter and more informed than your average person isn't smarter to such a degree to make it a notable feature.

Even when I'm being humble, I'm being smug! And then:

But yes, I'm sure someone out there is for me; that is of course, ignoring any of my personal preferences and opinions on them.

Translation: Why can't I be completely mediocre in every way but still expect an above average partner?!

Yeah, I'd say this person's assessment of their relationship prospects is pretty realistic. They need to either improve themselves or lower their standards if they want a partner.

Edit: Oh wait, it's the OP. For some reason I decided someone else had written that stuff. Well sorry OP, harsh but true.

Second that. Excepting the part about thinking the OP was quoting someone else.

Also, that description is very formulaic, any number of people who'd describe themselves in almost the exact terms. "I've got nothing going for me, smarter than most, don't have the hot female plaything I deserve" is almost the stereotypical cry of stereotypical people that are said to inhabit basements.

 

[maninahat]

I went into this thread with completely the wrong impression of what explanation we would have to offer on Valentine's Day.

Mine was that I don't care about Valentine's Day and I got an invite from an old friend and her partner to play some board games.

Which should be harmless, even accepting she is an ex-girlfriend from my teenage years. My wife (who I should mention has an otherwise brilliant, scientific, rational brain) decides this can't be anything other than perfidy, so despite the fact that she hates Valentines Day, board games, and petty jealousy, she insists on coming along too and getting some roses whilst she's at it, thank you very much. Fun day.

EDIT:

In regards to OP:

Oh blimey, there is nothing that entitles you to a sexy lady friend. How much time have you spent thinking about "average/below average, not attractive" women, who presumably also get lonely too? The odds are, you probably have snubbed such women in your life without even thinking about it. I know it wasn't what you were asking about, but it seems to me your best bet is to start noticing those people. Or perhaps don't, but also don't complain when you yourself go ignored.

 

[Phasmal]

*sigh*

Paragon, one of the truly great things about people is that we can improve ourselves.

Although of course it's one of those easier-said-than-done thing. Like, a thousand times easier. Or, more to the point, a thousand times harder.

But it can be done. Ugly people can, at the very least, get in shape. Social skills and even humour can be learned.

Or, y'know, you can spend your time bemoaning your mediocrity to the eternally indifferent anonymous online masses while masturbating over a buxom anime girl and hoping against hope that the universe hands you a partner and a life in a gift basket (spoiler alert: it fucking won't).

Now, if you're genuinely happy and content the way you are then, by all means, keep it up and fuck anyone who tells you otherwise. You're the best judge of your own happiness, not some random grumpy Aussie prick in the off-topic section of a fucking video game forum. However, I don't think you're happy. I've seen enough of your posts to think you're actually pretty damn miserable, if not mildly depressed. Happy, content people don't write stuff like the above.

But if you want anything at all to change, and chances are it can change, it'll only happen as a result of your own actions. Other people can help, but none of them can do it for you, even if they want to.

Oh, and the fact that this post makes me sounds like a godawful commercial for diet supplements or something doesn't make anything I said any less true.

I'm going to have to second all of this.

I do notice one thing missing from the OP- which is, explaining yourself to whom, exactly?

Who do you need to explain your singleness to or justify it for?
As Zhukov said, it's much easier said than done, but if you're not happy with what you're doing now, do something else.

Valentines day is over-rated anyway, it's just Excuse-For-Chocolate Day, really.

 

[freaper]

Honestly, I've seen more single people complain about a perceived attack on their bachelorhood by non-single people than I've seen non-single peop~ blah blah blah.

No one cares what your relationship status is. If someone cares enough about your relationship status to comment about it they are either your aunt, your secret crush, or a dipshit.

 

[s0denone]

...who while probably smarter and more informed than your average person isn't smarter to such a degree to make it a notable feature.

Even when I'm being humble, I'm being smug! And then:

But yes, I'm sure someone out there is for me; that is of course, ignoring any of my personal preferences and opinions on them.

Translation: Why can't I be completely mediocre in every way but still expect an above average partner?!

Yeah, I'd say this person's assessment of their relationship prospects is pretty realistic. They need to either improve themselves or lower their standards if they want a partner.

Edit: Oh wait, it's the OP. For some reason I decided someone else had written that stuff. Well sorry OP, harsh but true.

What is it you're supposed to write? "QFT"? or "/thread"?

Anyway above is pretty spot on.

To add to it, I think your mindset is a HUGE problem even if you manage to somehow get a SO. People that think "S/He could easily do better than me" are the ones who turn out to be very clingy, jealous and in turn ruin the few relationships they manage to luck it.

You need to better yourself, if you honestly think you are mediocre. Saying you have few redeeming qualities. What an awful way to view yourself man! It is easier to think higher of yourself if you improve your situation, so fucking do it.

If you sit around thinking "I'm sure there's someone for me out there (though I may not find them attractive myself)" you can take my word it will NOT just fall into your lap. If you actively want a relationship, then you have to actually LOOK for opportunities to make it happen... And you have to stop being so hard on yourself. NOBODY is interested in someone with such a low opinion of themselves.

Also, that description is very formulaic, any number of people who'd describe themselves in almost the exact terms. "I've got nothing going for me, smarter than most, don't have the hot female plaything I deserve" is almost the stereotypical cry of stereotypical people that are said to inhabit basements.

I feel obligated to add that it isn't only men who think like OP. Far from it.

 

[Fallow]

*sigh*

Or, y'know, you can spend your time bemoaning your mediocrity to the eternally indifferent anonymous online masses while masturbating over a buxom anime girl and hoping against hope that the universe hands you a partner and a life in a gift basket (spoiler alert: it fucking won't).

Dude, put that shit in a spoiler tag, don't ruin it for the rest of us!

 

[Thyunda]

It's funny - I don't actually see anything in this post that even implies the OP wants a partner. Just a whole lot of complaints that there isn't one. So, who are you into? Who's the lucky girl you're hoping to fill this void in your life with?

Or is it no-one in particular and you're actually looking for someone to carry your baggage for you?

Best advice for curing being single: Have something to offer. Be spontaneous. Be funny. Be a fucking joy to be around.

 

[Neurotic Void Melody]

I find a toxic combination of alcohol abuse, video-games and music seems to help sometimes forget about these worries. Embrace the darkness...let it wash over you as the asphyxiation of self-esteem allows a collapse inward to the singularity of ego-less existence. Then turn that feeling towards a creation, be it art, music, writing, piling bodies on top of bodies to create modern art that criminal psychologists will study for decades after (Thanks Hannibal series!). Ok, i am probably the least best person to ask as i am still leaping towards the hole entrance where the cool people like my past self are and the golden light of happiness shines from. Buuut, it is a slow journey and any step forward is still a step in the right direction, whereas if you keep making no steps, you will remain in the same place for however long you feel you are trapped there. The mind is a powerful thing, the mind is your god, yet it can be easily tricked or fooled into thinking it isn't. Into feeling that other people have more power over you than yourself. Take the power back, god damnit! And listen to rage against the machine too!

Edit: If i am reading this right, then the need to be in a relationship with such shallow requirements will more likely mean the person you are looking for will be just as shallow and looking for their Johnny Depp or Channing Tatum. So try not to chase that too hard if you can help it, else disappointment will be a regular occurance, now, there's a dear boy. Unless you are willing to put the work in?

 

[TheRightToArmBears]

"Yes, I'm an average/below average white male who isn't physically attractive, doesn't have a lot of money, who while probably smarter and more informed than your average person isn't smarter to such a degree to make it a notable feature. I'm neither witty nor funny, my sense of humor alternates between "dark" and "none". My social skills are almost non-existent and my life is duller than an un-sharpened letter opener.

But yes, I'm sure someone out there is for me; that is of course, ignoring any of my personal preferences and opinions on them."

That's a rough description of me at one point, most of this site, and the internet.

I wouldn't say it was too self=pitying. That said, whilst it is just a self-assessment, if it's getting you down then you should do something about it, otherwise it's a pointless assessment and isn't that different from self-pity. Of course, if you're not that bothered then who cares?


Sidenote: A lot of people are saying he feels entitled to an above-average partner. I don't get that, he's saying there's someone out there, who might not live up to what he really wants. He's not saying he feels like he deserves better, he seems to be saying that he's probably going to have to set aside his preferences because he knows he won't find a girl that fulfils them. Seems far more like pragmatism than entitlement or self-pity to me.

 

[Sigmund Av Volsung]

If you're talking about being single, a realistic assesment is not caring and working on that which you can improve.

See your flaws, but don't mire yourself in them. If you find something that could be better, compliment it with something that is good.

To be honest though, I didn't fret on Valentine's Day at all. I went through a good bout of depression in the preceding weeks, but around Valentine's I reached an epiphany that had me laugh on the bus for 10 minutes straight once I realised how absurd my problems were.

If you're sad over not being in a relationship, just remember that at the end of the day, a relationship is like a shit friendship most of the time. Unless you find someone who is into the exact same thing as you (which is a pretty big statistical deviation for most of us here, not gonna lie), your relationship will just be long awkward pauses and arguments over what movie to watch and who gets to do what. It's like being friends with someone you have little in common with, but you supplant discussion with the romantic stuff.

Basically, don't fret. If you find someone you can talk to about the exact same stuff, then go for it, but keep that a not shit relationship would be based on good understanding first. If you're angsting because you see couples everywhere being happy, then all you're seeing is those romantic moments I'm talking about. All they are is physical indulgence