Feeling pretty lost

[TheCallawayKid]

So I suffer from depression, not something that most people know about me, the ones that do don't take it very seriously, even the therapist that I was seeing didn't really seem too interested. I've been on Prozac for awhile now, apparently that and a monthly chat is how you fight this thing.
I'm an "adult" with responsibilities, rent, work etc.. and most days that is the only reason that I am getting out of bed. I have emotional mood swings and can start crying for no apparent reason, as a somewhat burly dude I'm sure you can imagine how great that must be, fortunately I'm excellent at hiding it. I feel like I'm forced to hide how I feel, it just makes people uncomfortable and drives them away anyway, I get it though, who would want to be around a basket case all of the time. I have a friend or two that I talk to about it but they don't understand what I'm going through, their advice is usually "chin up bro", really though I'm just glad that they still listen.
I have girlfriends off and on, my last girlfriend left me for her ex but kept pulling the puppet strings the entire time telling how much she loved me etc, still does and as much as I think I might care for her it's driving me over the edge.
I have a good job, good money but I hate it, it's boring.
I just don't feel like I truly connect with anyone anymore, the depression has always been around but this loneliness is new...
I bringing it on myself though, I'm not always the easiest person to get along with and I can be pretty narrow minded.
I don't know what else to say, I just know that I am so exhausted with all of this, every task feels like a mountain to climb...

 

[Kitty Confidant]

Hi callaway,

My name is kitty,
I'm so sorry to hear about your depression, it's an incredibly pervasive sickness and as it is mostly invisible to others is unfortunately undervalued in our society. It is also unfortunately a hard problem to treat because everyone is different and their depression affects them in unique ways. As you mentioned most things others can say to you don't have much of a lasting effect, the "everything will turn out alright" line helps but only momentarily.

Relationships can also often exacerbate these situations as they can generally be emotional roller coasters and are too unpredictable causing your emotional status to fluctuate incredibly. The disconnect comes from the inability to cope with emotions, as most connections with people are entirely based around how you feel about them. Loneliness can be a heavy burden to bear and can send you down a deep spiral if it isn't addressed early on.

You really shouldn't feel like it's your own fault, depression is a non-discriminating sickness, it really has nothing to do with your personality. Obviously what you're doing to deal with this problem isn't enough. I suggest changing therapists, your current one doesn't appear to be gelling with you. You could also try to visit your therapist weekly, there are free services you can look into in your local area or you could contact your local doctor. Medication is not always the answer but there are chemicals you can not regulate in your body through sheer mind power and maybe prozac isn't the right one for you, talk to your therapist or doctor about trialing some new medications. Manic depressives usually take different medications, you might find that you do have bi-polar tendencies. Try to get yourself out there, get involved in your community or invest time in things that you find worthwhile, gardening or some form of artistic expression. Depression can almost be like an addiction, it's not something you cure, you have to view everyday as a step to improvement not an ultimate solution, that way you take the pressure off yourself to "get better" and to focus more on increasing your happiness, as long as it's increasing you're heading in the right direction. I hope my advice helped, I'm currently running a website for people like yourself who just need someone to listen and help, if you or anyone you know want to ask me more questions it wont cost you a dime to fill out the question form on my webpage which is listed on my profile.

 

[Callate]

My understanding is that the early months on antidepressants can be some of the hardest- emotions can come flooding back after long periods of feeling listless and blank. Give yourself time and don't beat yourself up that you can't regulate how you feel through sheer iron will. If you feel that things aren't "regulating" over an extended period of time, be sure to bring that up with your therapist- and if they don't show any interest in that perception, you might want to get a second opinion, if possible.

Things can get better. How you feel now is not how you will always feel. I know it can seem like a long slog, and I'm not going to say you just need to smile or count your blessings, but there will come a day when how you feel now will seem distant and foreign, in a good way.

 

[TheCallawayKid]

Thank you guys for the great advice, I wasn't sure the kind of response I'd get but that really brightened my day! I have been looking into hobbies and I'm going to take up volunteering.
Again thank you, it means a lot.

 

[EeveeElectro]

you shouldn't feel alone.

(hopefully not deemed as advertising, I thought it would help to post it, so you know you're not by yourself considering we suffer the same)

It might take a few tries to find the right medication, or sometimes it's better to have therapy so you don't become dependant on drugs.

You're never alone. Even knowing there's always someone here you can talk to says a lot.

It'll get better. Take your mind off it with life enriching hobbies you'll feel better and maybe discover a new talent.