Forgiveness

[latenightapplepie]

Should you forgive someone when they haven't asked for your forgiveness, or apologised in any way?

Yes, all those smart people from Gandhi to Alexander Pope extolled the virtues of forgiving. However, does it still hold up today? When the betrayal can be so great, and the lack of apology and contrition so flagrant?

I ask, because I was recently seriously wronged by an ex and he has displayed no interest in seeking forgiveness, nor expressing any regret. I want to move on, and part of that may involve forgiving him. Indeed, the better part of me wants to forgive him, but should I?

If you do not seek forgiveness, do you not deserve it?

 

[ducktapemax]

a lot of times, when you don't forgive someone, you will carry that anger and hate with you. it will eat at you if your not careful.

 

[Aerosteam]

I wouldn't hold on to something for too long. If it's clear they won't apologize, forgot about it.

Usually I expect some sort of apology, if they take too long I get my revenge.

 

[Euryalus]

Mercy isn't given to those who deserve it. It's given to those who need it. If someone "deserved" mercy then it wouldn't be forgiveness. There would be nothing to forgive. If you wait for someone to request forgiveness then they, in effect, still have power over you.

Tell you what. You forgive him, and we'll all secretly hate him for you. The present is painful enough without having to worry about the past.

 

[FalloutJack]

It depends. No, seriously. I can't gloss this over with one all-encompassing answer. It depends on the situation, totally.

 

[Shadowstar38]

My code dictates to forgive them. But I'm still going to act with general indifference towards them when interacting, and they will know why.

 

[sextus the crazy]

Even if you don't forgive someone or like them, you should come to terms with your problem and enter a stage of acceptance.

 

[Soviet Steve]

Yes, forgive whenever possible, the best response to a stab in the back is to offer a knife and turning about and hoping for a different result.

 

[LongAndShort]

As a general rule I tend to say forgive and forget, mostly because as far as I'm concerned anyone who wrongs me and is too callous or cares too little to apologize is not worth the effort or anger. But this is a general rule, and I can understand that some things are a lot harder to forgive then others. And I'll also say that not forgiving is not necessarily the same thing as carrying a grudge (and vice versa).
But I really do believe that is simply not worth the effort. But, hey, I'm pretty lazy.

 

[King of Asgaard]

It depends. No, seriously. I can't gloss this over with one all-encompassing answer. It depends on the situation, totally.

Exactly this.
A guy who bullies me for eleven consecutive years, and not once shows remorse or apologizes gets bugger all forgiveness from me.
Another guy borrows a euro from me and doesn't repay straight away, is not worth getting my knickers in a twist over.

 

[Yopaz]

I don't know if I forgive or not. I do not hold grudges against a person so I guess that might be considered that I forgive the person. I do not even hold grudges to those who bullied me through all of school. I do not like him, but I have no lingering grudges either. Forgive and let it pass would be my advice, but then again I don't know the full story.

 

[Froggy Slayer]

No. You know what they say; forgive and regret. If you forgive someone, you're going to regret it later.

In seriousness, you should probably forgive as much as possible. 'Mercy is the mark of a great man'-Captain Mal Reynolds.

'Maybe I'm just a good man'.

'Well, I'm alright.'

 

[SquirePB]

The problem I'm having with my ex is I never really got angry about the break up and forgave her instantly, even blamed myself for it. I don't feel it's wrong for me to forgive her but I part of me wants to be angry at her, to hate her for abandoning me when I needed her most but I just can't do that. I guess it's cos I still love her.

 

[Padwolf]

I always thought that if you either don't forgive someone or if you don't bring it up and talk about it, it will eat away at you. If you don't forgive them then the anger and all the other feelings that come with betrayal will just continue to fester in your mind. If someone wrongs you that badly without even thinking of your feelings, then they are not worth your time, they are not worth the energy you spend being angry with them. But it depends on the situation.

 

[lemby117]

Should you forgive someone when they haven't asked for your forgiveness, or apologised in any way?

Yes, all those smart people from Gandhi to Alexander Pope extolled the virtues of forgiving. However, does it still hold up today? When the betrayal can be so great, and the lack of apology and contrition so flagrant?

I ask, because I was recently seriously wronged by an ex and he has displayed no interest in seeking forgiveness, nor expressing any regret. I want to move on, and part of that may involve forgiving him. Indeed, the better part of me wants to forgive him, but should I?

If you do not seek forgiveness, do you not deserve it?

Forgive but never forget. That is the best way to live life I find, I will forgive somebody but may never trust them again. That's what I would advise anyway.

 

[NathLines]

If you want to forgive, then forgive. That's up to you. This has nothing to do with wether or not someone deserves forgiveness. There's no right and wrong about this kind of stuff.

 

[Scrustle]

Forgiveness that is not earned is not deserved. No-one can possibly earn forgiveness if they do not even show any interest in wanting to be forgiven. If you decide to forgive the person in yourself then perhaps you will be able to put your mind at rest and forget about it, but that forgiveness will be shallow and meaningless. That person won't learn anything. They won't understand what they've done. For all intensive purposes they will have gotten away with their wrong-doings without any kind of redemption. When you forgive someone it is a gesture that you know that they realise they have done wrong and have learned not to do it again. It requires two people to make amends for real forgiveness to be given.

 

[thePyro_13]

If you can, then forgive. It doesn't matter if he wants it, forgiveness is about accepting and releasing your own feelings on the matter.

It's an important stage in moving on, this isn't to make him feel less bad about what he did, but to help you move on.

If you want to forgive him, then do it. If you don't then don't do it.

If you don't want to forgive him, but feel like you'll need to before you can put the matter behind you, then you should just forgive him.

You don't even have to tell him you forgive him, this is all internal to your own psyche.