Found out girlfriend has been cheating on me

[Mcupobob]

So yeah I haven't posted on these forums in ages but everyone is asleep and I didn't know where to turn. 6 months back my girlfriend began talking to her ex one night when drunk and angry I accused her of cheating on me with him.

I forgave her because there was no bases and we got back together. During those months we had countless arguments of her always thinking I'm picking up girls or what-not. Found her snooping through my phone and ect ect. It always bothered me as her never trusting me and I guess she did have a reason because I was in a bad spot at the time.

Anyways I couldn't sleep and I see I message from her ex pop-up. I shouldn't have read it but I began to snoop. I didn't have to go that far back to see only a couple of days and even went on her facebook to confirm. I'm shocked, sickest part is I found she is accusing him of cheating too!?

I don't know what to do or how to handle it. I recently left my apartment and living with family because my roommate decided to move in his ex-girlfriend and her kid. The fighting was getting so bad and I was getting sucked in that his ex started accusing me of Picking on her. That chick of my roommate already got 4 guys in jail for domestic abuse. Including my roommate.... I feel almost set free by all these revelations, I've lost everything. No job, no car, no apartment, no money. I got nothing but my family left.

So yeah I guess I have a lot of problems going on. I feel just numb to it all, like a deer caught in the headlights. No idea where to go or what to do.

Any advice escapist?

 

[Spushkin]

Tough times. However, what is good about times like those is that once you reach what feels like rock bottom, there's only the way up - I know it's an overused expression, but that's how it is. Been there, done that.

You can ask yourself: "Does this bother me? Can I live with this and still be in this relationship?" If it ruins the future for you with this girl (people are different, and of course react differently to things like cheating) then you should probably end the relationship.

You can talk to her, explain the situation (it will suck, whichever approach you take) and just end it. Spend some time mourning and then slowly move on with your life. Figuring out yourself, growing as a person, it's never late to do some of that soul searching stuff, especially when in a bad place. Find an exhaust vent. I wrote poems when I broke up with the girl I had a crush on for 10 years before settling in for a 4-year relationship that ended with a "meh".

Whatever you do, try to be patient and strong. Good luck.

 

[Mcupobob]

Tough times. However, what is good about times like those is that once you reach what feels like rock bottom, there's only the way up - I know it's an overused expression, but that's how it is. Been there, done that.

You can ask yourself: "Does this bother me? Can I live with this and still be in this relationship?" If it ruins the future for you with this girl (people are different, and of course react differently to things like cheating) then you should probably end the relationship.

You can talk to her, explain the situation (it will suck, whichever approach you take) and just end it. Spend some time mourning and then slowly move on with your life. Figuring out yourself, growing as a person, it's never late to do some of that soul searching stuff, especially when in a bad place. Find an exhaust vent. I wrote poems when I broke up with the girl I had a crush on for 10 years before settling in for a 4-year relationship that ended with a "meh".

Whatever you do, try to be patient and strong. Good luck.

Thank you and that's how I'm kinda of seeing it. I'm honestly thinking of moving back home with friends in California as Texas hasn't been treating me all that kindly. I just talked to her about it and shes apologized and insist they didn't sleep together which I want to believe. There is nothing in those messages that say they might be but they were still grossly inappropriate. I'm not sure if I should forgive her, as a distraction I've just been filling my head up with pointless bullshit on the interwebs to take my mind off it. Thanks for the advice again, I'm glad that you said it wouldn't be crazy to forgive her.

 

[Vegosiux]

Tough times. However, what is good about times like those is that once you reach what feels like rock bottom, there's only the way up - I know it's an overused expression, but that's how it is. Been there, done that.

There's no such thing as rock bottom. It can always get worse. That's why it's important you keep an active role in your own life, because it will not get better on its own, at least not reliably.

Thank you and that's how I'm kinda of seeing it. I'm honestly thinking of moving back home with friends in California as Texas hasn't been treating me all that kindly. I just talked to her about it and shes apologized and insist they didn't sleep together which I want to believe. There is nothing in those messages that say they might be but they were still grossly inappropriate. I'm not sure if I should forgive her, as a distraction I've just been filling my head up with pointless bullshit on the interwebs to take my mind off it. Thanks for the advice again, I'm glad that you said it wouldn't be crazy to forgive her.

Bottom line is; it doesn't matter if they had sex or not. Broken trust is incredibly hard to mend, and in most cases, at least when not much is at stake, it's better to cut your losses and move on. In the end, you need to choose what you'll put up with and what you won't; what you expect of her, and how much you can trust her do be and do what you expect of her.

Insisting on staying in a relationship merely for good old times' sake is usually a very bad idea.

 

[Spushkin]

There's no such thing as rock bottom. It can always get worse. That's why it's important you keep an active role in your own life, because it will not get better on its own, at least not reliably.

It can always get worse, but there's that point you just don't feel new hits. Numbness, as the OP put it.

And I agree with the bad idea part. However, the most important is how he feels about it. If it's a big deal then fine, but if he can truly "forgive and forget", without the bad feelings resurfacing at some point or constantly, that's his prerogative too.

 

[Blitsie]

My knowledge about your situation only extends to about as much as your post reveals so forgive me if I assume something incorrectly or so.

I'm not going to sugarcoat it and I'll try keep it short, I recommend dropping her like a hot pan and getting the hell out of dodge, she sounds like an overall conniving woman who doesn't respect you at all (would she really be doing all these suspicious things with another man behind your back if she did?) and even if you forgive and forget, I think she's certainly going to make your life hell again later on, but that's just me, do what you think is best. Just remember that someone else will pitch up in your life in the case you break up, it might take long (or not) but IT WILL HAPPEN, and it might be even more amazing, that I can promise you.

Regarding your overall situation, stick with your family for now and let your wounds heal. Trust me you're going to emerge from this a stronger, smarter and just overall better person. The new perspective you will gain on things plus what is basically going to be a fresh start for you will also help tons in you making decisions that will result in a better life. Best I can recommend now is to just reevaluate everything in your life and cut off whatever is bad for you at the moment, whether its a person or an object or whatever, if its bad drop it, you already lost lots of good things so why not lose some bad ones in the process, right? Just promise me you will actively try to improve your situation, I know that sounds like a tall order especially with how your feeling (or not feeling at all) now, but just try, baby steps if you must.

Guess that was a bit longer than expected, sorry about that, jetlagged to hell from a recent overseas trip so I'm not all here. I truly hope for the best for you man!

 

[Padwolf]

Thank you and that's how I'm kinda of seeing it. I'm honestly thinking of moving back home with friends in California as Texas hasn't been treating me all that kindly. I just talked to her about it and shes apologized and insist they didn't sleep together which I want to believe. There is nothing in those messages that say they might be but they were still grossly inappropriate. I'm not sure if I should forgive her, as a distraction I've just been filling my head up with pointless bullshit on the interwebs to take my mind off it. Thanks for the advice again, I'm glad that you said it wouldn't be crazy to forgive her.

I'm sorry I can't sugar coat this. Please, leave her, drop her completely. Trust me. It's not going to work after this. It really isn't. It's only going to get worse and worse from here on out for you if you stay. Whatever you do, do not go back. I know how it feels, being cheated on. It's happened to me in both the relationships I've been in so far. I stayed with the first guy after he cheated. The relationship failed because he went off to university and cheated on me again there. I had just moved house at the time, I didn't have any friends because they thought I lived too far away for them to visit so they dropped me. I only had my family at the time.

Let your family help you to heal. It's going to take time to heal after this. I'm so so sorry that it happened to you, it's awful. But I promise you, if you let your family take care of you, you will come out strong after this. You really will. You will have a fresh start. Take time to focus on things you didn't have much time for before. Have fun just playing a few video games. If you have a dog, spend time going on dog walks daily. Just have time for yourself.

I also have a word of warning. The problem with being cheated on I've found is that it can make you paranoid. Please, try not to let thoughts harm your mind like that. It's not easy, but you can do it. The important part is that you talk to her, tell her how it's made you feel and end it. One of my regrets is that I did not get to confront my ex's about their cheating, as I found out about the second ex after we split up and cut all contact.

Again, I am so so very sorry that this has happened to you. It's not easy to handle and deal with, and it's a really rough road. If you ever need anything, feel free to PM me.

 

[Lilani]

-snip-

This is not at all a healthy relationship. As others have said, get out. I would immediately dump a guy who cheats on me, as I would expect no better if I cheated on a guy. There's just too much distrust and manipulation marring both sides of this relationship to be something worth putting a lot more heartache into it.

 

[Aramis Night]

I've been there myself a few times. My friends used to come to me when their relationships ended just so they could feel better about their positions after they heard my horror stories. Your doing the best thing for yourself. Get out of that relationship and try not to look back. Whether she went through with sleeping with the guy or not is irrelevant. The moment a woman is willing to acknowledge feelings for another guy, it is over and it wont be the last time. There is a good chance this wasn't even the first time for her. But don't bother looking for evidence or a confession. It would just be a waste of your time and allow her to manipulate and hurt you more. Just stay away from anything to do with her. Stay with your family.

The hardest part now is to not let what happened here dictate your future. It's easy to get caught up in feelings of doubt, regret, and even guilt. You did nothing wrong. Do not let her make you feel any different. There is always a tendency to feel like on some level we are responsible when those we care most about hurt us. We want to believe that we have control and that there was something we could have done to have kept this from happening. But what she did had nothing to do with you. If she was unhappy with you she could have walked away herself, but she didn't. Instead she was selfish and greedy and it was not a reflection on you, only herself. There is no lesson to be learned from this. Do not feel like you need to change how you behave in a relationship in the future because of this. There is no lesson to be learned. No mistake you made. Don't go into your next relationship as a different person with different expectations. If you find yourself with another unfaithful person in the future, you will find out, just as you did here. There is no need to act preemptively defensive or paranoid about future relationships.

Good luck.