The subject line is meant to be somewhat vague because even though this problem is very specific it deals with a plethora or issues.
so lets dive into the problem shall we, but to do that I am going to start off with a bit of background so hopefully you guys can help me to the best of your abilities. So I am 17 going into my senior year of high school wrapping up the last week before finals and the blitz of studying and crying that comes along with that. I was very suicidal at the time I never really had any friends, I never got invited places. The people that talked to me mostly did so because I was a pretty helpful guy. Got good grades and I didn't mind helping, I was very shy though wasn't much for conversation. I was going to finish up finals week and kill myself, My main reason for this was the first gal that I had dare say loved. Had just stop talking to me when the month started, this admittedly shouldn't have came as that big of a surprise to me. I had known hear for about 6 months she had always said she cared and wanted to go out with me. Me, never having even kissed a gal before and she being the only one that I had even hugged, simply waited for that. When an other much better socially off guy came along and swept her off her feet. I kinda lost it, she had said she loved me I had said I loved her. So I just said well, I'll give it to the end of the month to let something happen. If nothing happens I'll just shoot myself, no real point to life.
then this crazy thing happen, one of my group of friends had actually invited me somewhere. It was DC v Marvel Torney, I was caught entirely off guard. This was the first time I was invited anywhere since the 6th grade. I accepted and tried to hide my excitement and rushed through final week. Losing equally as much sleep practicing for the torney as I did studying. When the time came I played at the torney, after the torney (which I lost horribly) We went to the pool. An other gal there for the sake of keeping track of them lets call her kate. She and everyone else where stunned to find out I actually have a good body, (six pack, biceps, pecs the whole deal) They kept asking me why I had never actually used that to pick up a gal. Slowly through out the night we all became good friends. I was the odd man out, as the night went on most of the people who just showed up for the torney left. So it was me and two other apparent couples. Well they where kissing hugging, so to me it sure seemed like it. I stayed the night woke up the next morning and left. It was quite honestly a great experience, but the other initial gal lets call her rachel was still heavy on my mind.
This is when things start to get into odd territory for me. The next morning I posted on facebook how I was doing nothing that day, kate decided to invite me out for ice cream. I of course accepted it and nervously showed up. I expected for kate's apparent significant other to be there. he wasn't and for the first time in my life I was alone with a gal and holy cow on a little date thingy. She was talked a lot, that helped balance out the fact this was the first time I was ever alone with a gal. So I had no real idea of what to do, however I was quick to remember this other guy. lets call him zach. We talked for a good two hours, I told a few jokes talked about my self and it seemed to go well. Before we left I made a joke a the fact this had been my first time doing this. She said I was good conversation and listener. We went our different ways.
Then this even crazier thing happen. The next day she invited me to her house, and I spent a good 5 hours there. And as this happen I gradually open up about myself, told her about the problems I have with gals and about rachel. I hinted toward my suicidal tendencies and how I was putting off doing anything since I meet her. she also talked about her suicidal tendencies and that the significant other was her major love interest and how she was worried about the relationship with him. I broke down crying, to be honest that was the first time I open up like that to gal. and only two weeks into knowing her, but I just felt so safe and not wanting to be involved with her it wasn't worried about further complications.
That of course changed, even though I tried to stop myself. We have almost everything in common, even our suicidal writings look the same. On almost every level we are the same person however where we differ it works perfectly, she loves to talk I am more than happy to listen and help. She was literally what I looked for in a gal. We hugged a lot and got into tickle fights and I don't know if you call it snuggling. Hell I have no idea what I am talking about when it comes to this I still have never kissed a gal. However I kept in mind how much zach meant to her. I made sure not to say what I felt for her, I made sure not to do anything that might ruin that after all her zach was like my rachel. except he was still there and interested in her.
To add to that rachel all of a sudden came back into my life. To add even more complications against my family's and rachels wishes I became an atheist. And for the most part it was only kate's and zach's group of friends that accepted me for me. While Rachel's quickly attacked me but in a way that made it seem like they cared for me. When I could tell all they wanted was to change me back into something that I wasn't.
Then things continued to complicated. Zach had started talking to an other gal which was previously a love intrest to him and he had lied before hand and had sex with her while seeing kate. Kate became suicidal and to my surprise she came to me first, and I went to her house and I spent the rest of the night making sure she was fine. Making sure she wouldn't do anything to herself. Overall just being a good friend, the night before it had slipped out that things where cloudy with zach and I had tried and to no avail tried to tell her how I felt about her. She made it through the night fine, but one thing came out which is weighing heavy on my mind. She said that when zach goes to college, (zach just graduated he is 18) He had no plans on coming back. This could be the last time he will be staying in Texas, besides the occasional visit to his family.
So now the question, should I tell her how I feel. She is slightly older than me (19) but she has shown in her past relationships she tends to go toward younger guys. Though I could in theory go into just chasing rachel against to get my mind off kate, I am very worried I could slip into a suicidal state again. However, telling kate has its own draw backs I could hurt the friendship the first in my life of this kind. I could hurt friendships with that entire group who for the most part support zach over me. Which then again I could fall back on kate, which she more than likely would make me at least lie and being a christian again to hang out with her friends. I feel conflicted, I could just lie to everyone. Which would make them all happy. Or I could tell the truth which might put me back into a position with no friends. Now when I look at kate she could most certainly have anyone she pleases. She is the most attractive woman I have seen both emotional and physically (admittedly that is biased). So even if she reacts well to this I would still have to work hard on being more outgoing.
Ugh... this is a lot to take in I know and I could go on for days about what I should do. But this is if anything a cliff notes version of the past two months. She is leaving aug 10th back to her college, a three hour drive. If I am going to say something I must say it before then. But when I think of this I have flashbacks to rachel who essentially just went with it into she found someone better than me. So escapist, should I tell her how I feel?
oh and also Hi.
so lets dive into the problem shall we, but to do that I am going to start off with a bit of background so hopefully you guys can help me to the best of your abilities. So I am 17 going into my senior year of high school wrapping up the last week before finals and the blitz of studying and crying that comes along with that. I was very suicidal at the time I never really had any friends, I never got invited places. The people that talked to me mostly did so because I was a pretty helpful guy. Got good grades and I didn't mind helping, I was very shy though wasn't much for conversation. I was going to finish up finals week and kill myself, My main reason for this was the first gal that I had dare say loved. Had just stop talking to me when the month started, this admittedly shouldn't have came as that big of a surprise to me. I had known hear for about 6 months she had always said she cared and wanted to go out with me. Me, never having even kissed a gal before and she being the only one that I had even hugged, simply waited for that. When an other much better socially off guy came along and swept her off her feet. I kinda lost it, she had said she loved me I had said I loved her. So I just said well, I'll give it to the end of the month to let something happen. If nothing happens I'll just shoot myself, no real point to life.
then this crazy thing happen, one of my group of friends had actually invited me somewhere. It was DC v Marvel Torney, I was caught entirely off guard. This was the first time I was invited anywhere since the 6th grade. I accepted and tried to hide my excitement and rushed through final week. Losing equally as much sleep practicing for the torney as I did studying. When the time came I played at the torney, after the torney (which I lost horribly) We went to the pool. An other gal there for the sake of keeping track of them lets call her kate. She and everyone else where stunned to find out I actually have a good body, (six pack, biceps, pecs the whole deal) They kept asking me why I had never actually used that to pick up a gal. Slowly through out the night we all became good friends. I was the odd man out, as the night went on most of the people who just showed up for the torney left. So it was me and two other apparent couples. Well they where kissing hugging, so to me it sure seemed like it. I stayed the night woke up the next morning and left. It was quite honestly a great experience, but the other initial gal lets call her rachel was still heavy on my mind.
This is when things start to get into odd territory for me. The next morning I posted on facebook how I was doing nothing that day, kate decided to invite me out for ice cream. I of course accepted it and nervously showed up. I expected for kate's apparent significant other to be there. he wasn't and for the first time in my life I was alone with a gal and holy cow on a little date thingy. She was talked a lot, that helped balance out the fact this was the first time I was ever alone with a gal. So I had no real idea of what to do, however I was quick to remember this other guy. lets call him zach. We talked for a good two hours, I told a few jokes talked about my self and it seemed to go well. Before we left I made a joke a the fact this had been my first time doing this. She said I was good conversation and listener. We went our different ways.
Then this even crazier thing happen. The next day she invited me to her house, and I spent a good 5 hours there. And as this happen I gradually open up about myself, told her about the problems I have with gals and about rachel. I hinted toward my suicidal tendencies and how I was putting off doing anything since I meet her. she also talked about her suicidal tendencies and that the significant other was her major love interest and how she was worried about the relationship with him. I broke down crying, to be honest that was the first time I open up like that to gal. and only two weeks into knowing her, but I just felt so safe and not wanting to be involved with her it wasn't worried about further complications.
That of course changed, even though I tried to stop myself. We have almost everything in common, even our suicidal writings look the same. On almost every level we are the same person however where we differ it works perfectly, she loves to talk I am more than happy to listen and help. She was literally what I looked for in a gal. We hugged a lot and got into tickle fights and I don't know if you call it snuggling. Hell I have no idea what I am talking about when it comes to this I still have never kissed a gal. However I kept in mind how much zach meant to her. I made sure not to say what I felt for her, I made sure not to do anything that might ruin that after all her zach was like my rachel. except he was still there and interested in her.
To add to that rachel all of a sudden came back into my life. To add even more complications against my family's and rachels wishes I became an atheist. And for the most part it was only kate's and zach's group of friends that accepted me for me. While Rachel's quickly attacked me but in a way that made it seem like they cared for me. When I could tell all they wanted was to change me back into something that I wasn't.
Then things continued to complicated. Zach had started talking to an other gal which was previously a love intrest to him and he had lied before hand and had sex with her while seeing kate. Kate became suicidal and to my surprise she came to me first, and I went to her house and I spent the rest of the night making sure she was fine. Making sure she wouldn't do anything to herself. Overall just being a good friend, the night before it had slipped out that things where cloudy with zach and I had tried and to no avail tried to tell her how I felt about her. She made it through the night fine, but one thing came out which is weighing heavy on my mind. She said that when zach goes to college, (zach just graduated he is 18) He had no plans on coming back. This could be the last time he will be staying in Texas, besides the occasional visit to his family.
So now the question, should I tell her how I feel. She is slightly older than me (19) but she has shown in her past relationships she tends to go toward younger guys. Though I could in theory go into just chasing rachel against to get my mind off kate, I am very worried I could slip into a suicidal state again. However, telling kate has its own draw backs I could hurt the friendship the first in my life of this kind. I could hurt friendships with that entire group who for the most part support zach over me. Which then again I could fall back on kate, which she more than likely would make me at least lie and being a christian again to hang out with her friends. I feel conflicted, I could just lie to everyone. Which would make them all happy. Or I could tell the truth which might put me back into a position with no friends. Now when I look at kate she could most certainly have anyone she pleases. She is the most attractive woman I have seen both emotional and physically (admittedly that is biased). So even if she reacts well to this I would still have to work hard on being more outgoing.
Ugh... this is a lot to take in I know and I could go on for days about what I should do. But this is if anything a cliff notes version of the past two months. She is leaving aug 10th back to her college, a three hour drive. If I am going to say something I must say it before then. But when I think of this I have flashbacks to rachel who essentially just went with it into she found someone better than me. So escapist, should I tell her how I feel?
oh and also Hi.
