Help me become more socially confident!

[dangitall]

I feel very insecure these days. It isn't a sudden change, but instead a buildup. In short, I find it more difficult to talk to people than others might find.

I only have 3 close friends, I do however have lots of friends that I don't know much about. When I meet them walking across the hallway, or when we talk during lunch, all I could find myself doing is saying a few greetings and listening in on the conversation.

It's even worse with my classmates, many of whom I want to become friends with but cannot due to my lack of confidence, or the fact that they've already established themselves in a clique. When I talk to classmates it's usually them that starts the conversation, not me.

I know that if I talk to these people, 90% of them will be nice to me, and acknowledge me as a friendly person. But it's the other 10% that I worry about, those people that will dismiss me as a "boring" or "stupid" or "awkward" person the moment they turn back to their friends. My friends are very social and our group is large, but sometimes I feel I don't belong there with them. I'm not dumb, or goth, or emo, I am an average student. I get good grades and I'm involved in many clubs. But even though I'm average, I still can't steer away from the nervousness that is eating away at me when I'm talking to people; the fear that a person I know suddenly hates me because of the smallest thing I've said.

Spoiler: something like this

Sometimes I don't know why I'm so scared of talking to people;
Because I'm a boring person and they actually dislike me?
Simply because I am insecure and all I need to do is to be more confident?
Or just an irrational fear of conversation?

Side note: Kind of ties in with what I'm talking about... I also want this girl to notice me, She's been my friend for a year but I'm just starting to like her, and I have talked to her a few times. I try to find time for us to talk, but she always says she is busy and such (she is busy, so that's true). How can I shake away my insecurities, impress her, and tell her how I feel?

Another side note: try to correct my grammar when you see a big mistake, I'm trying to get prepared for my English provincial exam (I'm in grade 10).

 

[BrassButtons]

In short, I find it more difficult to talk to people than others might find.

I get pretty anxious dealing with people, so I understand where you're coming from.

Sometimes I don't know why I'm so scared of talking to people

Here's the thing: it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter why your scared. It doesn't even matter that your scared. You can still do everything necessary to make friends and be socially adept while being terrified inside.

The next time you see a friend or classmate holding a conversation with ease, ask yourself, "Do I know what this person is feeling?" Sure, the person may seem confident, but you're just looking at their actions. Actions don't have to be a reflection of feelings--if they did, actors would have a rough time of things.

So you don't actually need to understand or overcome your fear in order to begin making friends and being less socially awkward. You just need to do the things socially confident people do. Watch how those people behave, and do similar things. Start conversations. Talk, rather than just listening. You'll be afraid, but nobody else has to know that. And when this works (and it will work, even if it doesn't work perfectly right away) you'll be gaining the skills you need to feel confident. And, over time, you'll stop being afraid.

 

[Giftfromme]

You say only 10% of people will react poorly to you? Why do you care about these people? Why are these people worth talking to? You have to set value upon yourself and have your own standards. Some people simply won't meet these standards and that's that. It's not good or bad, it's just your own standards you impose upon others because you know your own values.

10% is such a small number that it is better to worry about other things in life, such as opening a cork on a wine bottle and having that kill you. You should be more concerned about crashing your car then those people rejecting you.

What specifically bothers you about these people rejecting you? Be as spcecific as possible. Is it that you feel your day will be ruined? If so, ask yourself why. Why should this person have so much control over your life that the mere fact that they may not like you causes your day to be ruined. Would your day be ruined if a random 5 year old came to and called you a poo head? Of course not. It's simply a child. Then what value do you grant this other person that they can cause your day to bve ruined?

Cliques are a simple high school thing and the sooner you get out of that mentatality, the better. High School here (years 7-10) has all that nonsense deeply rooted in students. When you get into college (years 11-12) the whole cliques thing instantly vanishes. No joke. The first day comes and all that nonsense is past you. All of the rules, norms, behaviours etc. surrounding cliques work so long as you believe them. You believe you can't talk to that hot chick in the "popular group?" The attitude alone kills any of those thoughts. You imagine a lot of barriers to your life, but you really need to test and find out what those barriers are yourself to see which ones really exist, and which ones others tell you exist.

Also think about worse-case scenarios. And then imagine how likely they are. Imagine approaching a girl and having her reject you. How does it feel? Why do you feel this particular way? Do you imagine she will talk to all her friends about her rejection of your approach? If so, what happens then? You will see her and her friends and they will tease you until the end of your time in High School? Just think how likely that is. Think about your school. Do you imagine that this has happened to evey guy that has ever been rejected by a girl? Does every guy already know the outcome of an approach and knows he will be sucessful? Of course not. It's entirely possible that your approach is a non event; you get rejected and move on. Simple as that. And then you take some lessons from that. Did it feel as bad as you imagined? Why or why not?

 

[JesterRaiin]

Sometimes I don't know why I'm so scared of talking to people;
Because I'm a boring person and they actually dislike me?
Simply because I am insecure and all I need to do is to be more confident?
Or just an irrational fear of conversation?

Here is your answer. You worry too much. You think too much.

Stop it.

If people actually like you, they won't care about your mistakes that much.
If they don't like you, then why do you care about them and their attitude towards you ?
You don't need them at all.

The biggest problem with modern generations are lack of patience and lack of faith in the future.
People think that if they aren't successful now then they won't ever be. That's not true.
Even biggest stars and celebrities at some point of life felt that nobody cares about them.

Sometimes you're a god incarnate, shining star walking among men, sometimes you're sh*t.
That's the way things are.

So, stop worrying and just try to be yourself.
Goodluck !

(P.S. My english is worse than yours. Sorry.)

 

[XtreemIce]

---If you don't want to read the wall of text skip to the bottom---

I'm a big believer in quality, not quantity when it comes to friends. I've always personally been fairly outgoing and personable when it comes to those general 'utility' friendships, i.e. greetings across the hall, but I too only have a few close friends... and what's wrong with that?! I'm 24 and am really close with 2 people from school and 4 from university. I'd really rather have the few close chums I can be completely myself with than forcing half hearted distance relationships with the masses. I'm still in touch with plenty more on facebook, and would say hi if I bumped in to them by chance, but would make no effort to meet up with them in real life.

If however you're set on making even more friends, and certainly as a means to loosening up a bit socially, I wholeheartedly recommend adding some acting to your list of clubs. It's a ridiculously easy to find a few good friends from a medium to large cast and in most cases there's a part for everyone if you're not the world's greatest thesp. At school in a cast of 40, even if I can only get along with 1 in 10 people... the odds are still pretty good.

I've always been very lucky when it comes to girls. Not that I'm particularly handsome or charming, but that I can honestly say I've never forced myself on some randomer in a bar, or sealed the deal in seconds at a party. You'll inevitably have a natural opportunity to get closer to this one particular girl and others too over the years should you want to Just keep makin' the conversation and if it's going to happen, it should happen without the need to get down on one knee and propose some elaborate date.

Also I remember everything changing for me in year 10 (I live in England) though I think the grade systems are along pretty much the same lines. So 10th grade would put you at around 15? In the next year or two you'll see the cliques lower their guards quite a lot and the year generally blend a bit more anyways. Basically it's all downhill from here as everyone matures and thinks a bit more about how they're perceived by everyone, not just their clique peers


-----

You'll be fiiiiiiiiiiiiine

 

[Angie7F]

I'm still like that and I sometimes get sick of it.
But at the same time, by being nervous when I talk, at least I know that I am being careful not to hurt people or piss people off.
That's much better than being an asshole.

 

[Angie7F]

snip

I agree.
Sometimes finding out if you have some kind of disorder is important.
I felt a lot better after finding out that I have difficulty establishing relationships and keep them because I am have Borderline Personality Disorder.

After finding that out, I was able to identify my weaknesses and the tendency of BPD behavior, as well as simply avoid situations I know I will not be able to handle.
That way I dont have to hate myself later.

The best thing would be to find out that there is nothing wrong except that you are shy, but if there is, atleast you can go get the right tools to deal with it

 

[Galletea]

Sometimes I don't know why I'm so scared of talking to people;
Because I'm a boring person and they actually dislike me?
Simply because I am insecure and all I need to do is to be more confident?
Or just an irrational fear of conversation?

Here is your answer. You worry too much. You think too much.

Stop it.

If people actually like you, they won't care about your mistakes that much.
If they don't like you, then why do you care about them and their attitude towards you ?
You don't need them at all.

Essentially this. Just stop worrying about it so much. If it goes wrong you'll have to put up with it for a short while and then you'll be somewhere else with new people and it doesn't matter. It's school, it won't last forever and there will be new people and new opportunities afterwards, so just go for it and if they don't react positively who cares?

 

[Dante DiVongola]

I feel very insecure these days. It isn't a sudden change, but instead a buildup. In short, I find it more difficult to talk to people than others might find.

I only have 3 close friends, I do however have lots of friends that I don't know much about. When I meet them walking across the hallway, or when we talk during lunch, all I could find myself doing is saying a few greetings and listening in on the conversation.

It's even worse with my classmates, many of whom I want to become friends with but cannot due to my lack of confidence, or the fact that they've already established themselves in a clique. When I talk to classmates it's usually them that starts the conversation, not me.

I know that if I talk to these people, 90% of them will be nice to me, and acknowledge me as a friendly person. But it's the other 10% that I worry about, those people that will dismiss me as a "boring" or "stupid" or "awkward" person the moment they turn back to their friends. My friends are very social and our group is large, but sometimes I feel I don't belong there with them. I'm not dumb, or goth, or emo, I am an average student. I get good grades and I'm involved in many clubs. But even though I'm average, I still can't steer away from the nervousness that is eating away at me when I'm talking to people; the fear that a person I know suddenly hates me because of the smallest thing I've said.

Spoiler: something like this

Sometimes I don't know why I'm so scared of talking to people;
Because I'm a boring person and they actually dislike me?
Simply because I am insecure and all I need to do is to be more confident?
Or just an irrational fear of conversation?

Side note: Kind of ties in with what I'm talking about... I also want this girl to notice me, She's been my friend for a year but I'm just starting to like her, and I have talked to her a few times. I try to find time for us to talk, but she always says she is busy and such (she is busy, so that's true). How can I shake away my insecurities, impress her, and tell her how I feel?

Another side note: try to correct my grammar when you see a big mistake, I'm trying to get prepared for my English provincial exam (I'm in grade 10).

Honestly, if you really want more confidence in yourself to talk to more people, you've just gotta do it. Just don't even think about it, just walk up to the person with a thought in mind and start talking about it. If you're a good person, (which I'm sure you are from the way you speak and hold yourself) then you really won't have to worry about much except for that awkward, 'getting to know you' stage. Same applies with the girl, though focus on asking if she likes you back first. Good luck and rock on, dude! \m/

 

[aPod]

Sometimes I don't know why I'm so scared of talking to people;
Because I'm a boring person and they actually dislike me?
Simply because I am insecure and all I need to do is to be more confident?
Or just an irrational fear of conversation?

First let me say you shouldn't worry that you have these feelings. I was popular, in prom, and did well with the ladies but I still got nervous talking to people back in highschool. Hey, I can do you one better, I used to have panic attacks walking to my classes because of this over stimulation of "what do all of these people think about me?"

Secondly, you're a kid and like most other kids you haven't done enough in your life to be "exciting" hell most of us older folks are still boring. I'm boring. So don't let that bother you.

Third, everyone is insecure. That girl you're crushing on is probably insecure too, she may hide it well some people are good at it but at the end of the day they are insecure too. It's the reason people are so swooned by compliments because a lot of us crave positive reinforcement for who we are, even if it's something as simple as "I like your smile."

It's not an irrational fear, it's just a natural condition. Some people get really good at engaging others not so much. Part of that might just be you don't share an interest passionately enough with these other people and don't know how to have an interesting bit of small talk (really small talk, to me, is just fishing for something interesting about the other person. No being pretty does not make a girl interesting, remember that).

Now your main question. How do I gain confidence?

Well, confidence starts from understanding who you are. That or being blissfully ignorant of peoples perception of you. Unfortunately, you are hyper-aware, possibly to the point of inventing (rather than discovering) peoples negative perception of you. So you need to take some time to figure out who it is that you are.

Me, I'm not Mr. Suave. I don't come into a conversation and just swoon everyone into loving me. No I'm a goofy guy, I make stupid remarks and dumb faces that make people laugh but occasionally throw in some keen observations at times to throw off the misconception that i'm an idiot (well i believe it's a misconception). Most of the time I'm quiet though, and I listen.

I'm making it sound easy, and it's not, especially when you're young and you got all these new hormones pumping into your body and all that terrible, terrible stuff that happens in puberty.

Some other tips which might help.

Start eating right, exercise, keep hydrated, read books (not just fiction), learn an instrument, build something, do something productive. These are some things when done will help you become happy with you.