How do you deal with death?

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SillyBear

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A friend of mine just lost a close friend to pretty tragic circumstances. It made me realise how damn tricky death is to handle. Many of my friends are all reacting in very different ways.

Whilst death is a huge part of life and it is something that everyone deals with, it never gets any easier to handle. I have lost someone extremely close to me, and I went through a long stage of denial and conflicting emotions. It was probably the single most confusing part of my life. It almost feels like the human brain can't comprehend death. Which is strange, because death is just as much a part of life as life itself is. You would think after the long period of our existence, we would get better at dealing with it.

So, Escapists, how do you handle it? Do you believe getting over a death can be rationalised, or is it a solely emotional journey?

Tell me your thoughts!
 

Jedoro

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An old best friend's dad died a few years back, and I could easily rationalize that away even though I knew and liked the guy. I can tell your brain really can't, but my brain can comprehend death pretty damn well. I think it's one of those things you don't want to get used to, to be honest, but I seem to have it down after the first one.
 

Biosophilogical

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SillyBear said:
Which is strange, because death is just as much a part of life as life itself is.
No it isn't. Dying is part of life, death is not. Death is the absence of life, it shares nothing in common with life, meaning you cannot empathise with death.

The only way to get over a death is to either live with the loss, or bury it so deep you don't have to look at it. There is no comprehension, no peaceful understanding, there is either acceptance or rejection. Anyone who says they can understand what death is like is lying, because being dead is to be gone, completely, by the very fact that you are able (or unable) to understand death, you cannot understand death, because the capacity to understand doesn't exist in death. Even what I'm saying now, I can rationalise and reason my way to this, but I can't know what death is on any real level.

So when you lose somebody, it isn't a matter of understanding what has happened, it is about learning to live without them and respecting the life you lost in your own way.
 

Jonluw

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May 23, 2010
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I dunno. I just deal with it?

I have no problem with death whatsoever. The worst part about deaths for me is trying to act appropriately around the ones closest to the victim. Normally, I just resort to being silent and looking at the ground a lot.
 

Aidinthel

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I deal with death the same way I deal with everything I don't want to think about: by not thinking about it. I've gotten really good at deliberately not thinking about things.
 

Sudenak

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I'm not really affected by death. My friend's parents died while we were in high school; I had to tell her about her mother's death because she was at my house at the time. There's been....15 deaths involving friends or classmates, covering a small gamut: suicide, burning to death, car accidents, disease, and drug OD.

I just don't feel it. I get sad for the loss of the person, but I don't dwell on death itself. It just happens.
 

SckizoBoy

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Y'know, I don't think I deal with death very well...

The two major deaths I've had to come to terms with, I've realised recently, I haven't (one more than the other). The first one, my immediate reaction was blind madness (of the insane variety), followed by depression that years of psychotherapy have sort of healed.

And the second one, my immediate reaction was 'how do I make my girlfriend feel better' with little concern for my own wellbeing, and it's only just caught up to me, and right now, I feel kinda shit.

I like to think that I will get better, but I do not believe that I will ever be 'fixed'.
 

lslines

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My younger sister died almost a month ago. She was sixteen and she had two brain haemorrhages. She was hospitalised after the first and had surgery to remove the cause, was getting better, and then suddenly had a second and was rendered brain dead. There are no words for the devastation it caused after we were brought that hope.

I can't deal with it, really. I put all the grief and all the memories in the one place and try my hardest not to think about them, but it doesn't work like that because when someone close to you dies everything reminds you of them. Try to pretend like it doesn't hurt to talk about her or to walk past the door of what used to be her bedroom every night, but it does. Joke about it to cheer my mother up when she suddenly starts crying in the middle of doing the washing up, because joking is the alternative to crying and never ever stopping.

I get on with it because I don't have a choice, and I deal with it by trying to pretend it's not there, and I break down and cry at three in the morning and then I stop and go to sleep and say hello to her ashes in the morning and pretend everything is okay. Eventually it will hurt less and I just have to get to that point.

And that is how I deal with it.

Biosophilogical said:
The only way to get over a death is to either live with the loss, or bury it so deep you don't have to look at it. There is no comprehension, no peaceful understanding, there is either acceptance or rejection.

[...]

So when you lose somebody, it isn't a matter of understanding what has happened, it is about learning to live without them and respecting the life you lost in your own way.
So basically, this.
 

Rusty pumpkin

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Meh. I'm certainly not going to become suddenly immortal, so I will die at some point. So when people die I just shrug and move on.

Though one of my friends died awhile back, he was 15, it was more upsetting seeing most of his life gone then knowing he was dead.
 

LawlessSquirrel

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Pre-emptive mourning, followed by the inevitable heartbreak itself and then anything and everything to distract the mind. It works...sort of. Death is always painful to deal with, but it helps. Some of the most productive moments of my life have come from distracting myself and keeping my mind busy when someone's died.

The mind is a resilient thing though. I find little things happen that help the mourning process, but I'd consider them personal enough to not discuss on a public forum.
 

llew

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i get busy, takes my mind off it, while im keeping busy i gradually accept the loss and get over it
 

Hamish Durie

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My aunty died over 3 years ago and whenever i hear her name brought up a single tear forms. death is something one cannot get used to because it goes agaisnt our most primitive and powerful urge, it's stronger then sex,hunger and sleep it's the urge to live to stay alive and therefore even when we know that a relative has been on medications and they have only gotten worse and you know they will die any day now, when the news actually comes through you are always shocked at the death that you knew was coming it is something we cannot get used to. We just have to live with it
 

xmbts

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Depends on the conditions really, I remember me and a cousin actually laughing at a funeral because we were remembering the life of the dead person instead of focusing on how he wouldn't be there anymore.
 

MasterOfWorlds

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Having lost my mom recently, dealing with death for me is a pretty lengthy process.

You will generally go through the mourning stages, which will vary from person to person.

I know that I haven't really dealt with my mom's death, and she's ben gone now for a little over three months. Of course, I knew it was coming since she had cancer, and we were told roughly the timeframe that she had, so I think I went through the mounring process a bit while she was in the hospital and still with us. I, like so many others, dive into things that interest me. I focused a lot of school work, friends, games, anything to keep me from thinking about it. Eventually, though, I have to sleep, and it's that time of the day where I'm winding down to hit the sack that it gets me. Sometimes it's just a feeling of having lost someone. Sometimes, it's pretty hard, and I cry a bit.

Already though, I'm starting to forget the fine details of her weeks in the hospital, the miligrams of the medications and the times she was supposed to take them, the doctor's names and faces, room numbers, and even floor numbers.

The mind has a way of protecting itself from things that we either don't want to remember or that would cause damage/impede the psyche. I remember my mom well in the memories we had before she got sick. I recall certain times in the hospital, but try as I might, it's fading away.

I remember the night she passed, I was calling family to let them know, and I called my gf to tell her, and right after I did, I asked her how her day was. She thought that it was so strange that I could have a normal conversation, and I told her that it would probably hit me in the next few days.

I know that many people that post on here have seen me bring up my mom's passing a lot lately, and I know that it must be getting annoying, but it's part of the way I deal with it. I'll talk about it until I feel like I've come to terms with it. Dad's finally getting his head back on straight, so I'll probably have my time to deal with it coming up shortly.
 

SoopaSte123

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It's tough... my short-term reaction chain goes something like this:

1. Freak out and panic
2. Cry
3. Cry some more
4. Get angry and still cry
5. Stop crying and feel better
6. Remember the good times with the deceased, then cry again
7. Stop crying but feel super shitty
8. Go back to #2. Repeat until sleepy
9. Sleep
10. Go back to #2. Repeat for a length of time dependent on how close I was with the deceased.
11. Wake up feeling better-ish
12. Make sad, dark jokes

Humor helps me deal with things. Sad laughter makes me feel so much better.
The most recent death was when my awesome dog died... I was making dead dog jokes to my sister the day after. Kinda seems despicable, even to me, but it really helped.
 

megaraccoon

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when i die i will meet her like a long lost lover after all why panic about something i can't change. also why do the living mourn? those how have past are now beyond pain and anguise if anything we should be jealous of them as they have reached a world without limitations or pain or prejudice while we must continually suffer too get even a modicum of fleeting happiness. the only reason i can see for mourning is selfishness as people are only thinking about how THEY will live on or how the persons loss affects THEM not as they should be thinking "he led a good honest life and now is in paradise". thats my thoughts on the matter.
 

Drenden

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Death is scary to some and not to others but it needs to be rationalized regardless. It's something everyone will have to go through at least once in their lifetime. It's also an emotional journey at the same time. It changes who you are and the way you deal with such things.

When I was sixteen I lost my mother and grandmother within months of each other. It was a terrifying experience to be so alone. But when several years passed I realized that no amount of grieving nor kicking myself and saying it was my fault was going to bring them back. In the end you just have to hold your head high and carry on with your life. It's what those loved ones would have wanted anyways.
 

CrashBang

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I honestly don't know. The only person close to me who's ever died was my grandmother and it actually didn't affect me that much. I felt kinda guilty and cold-hearted for that but it's just how I felt
Yesterday, when I found out that Ryan Dunn had died, I actually felt sick. I absolutely love him, he was the most bad-ass manly man in the world, in my eyes, so that really sucked
Anyway, I'd probably just go cold, numb and quiet which is the opposite to how I usually behave (happy, bubbly and annoying)