How much do you need to have in common?

[RedIvy]

Hello escapist! Long time lurker, first time poster.

I've just started dating a girl I've known for quite a while. Having a cup of coffee together and talking is always fun and we do that a lot. What's bothering me though is that we have very little in common when it comes to tastes. Humour, movies, music, hobbies, very little of it overlap.

Before we started dating we just talked about what we've done since last time (we only saw eachother once a month or similarly) but now we're running out of topics / common interests to persue much quicker and I am afraid that this might not actually work in the long run.

Both of us haven't been in a commited relationship before so neither of us know: how much in common do you have to have with someone for a relationship to work?

And is there anything we could do about it?

 

[Raikas]

You honestly don't need to have many interests in common to maintain a relationship, you just need to have similar values and have similar behavioural expectations. So you either need to be willing to join in with some of her interests (and she with yours) or you both need to trust each other to do those things in your time apart.

Either way it works - I have friends who recently celebrated their 15th wedding anniversary, and they have separate hobby rooms because he wants to display his action figures and she wants to have a scrapbooking room. And they take 2/3rds of their vacations separately because he likes to sit on a resort beach and she like to do adventure travel. It works because they can handle that separation.

Alternatively, you can try to get into each others interests - another couple I'm friends didn't have a lot of shared interests in the beginning, but eventually she realized that she enjoyed metal and he realized that he enjoyed opera and now they go to all kinds of concerts together.

I also think if you're around a person long enough, your interests eventually bleed into each other - I see that in my relationship.

 

[RedIvy]

Thanks, it does ease my mind to know that some have made it work

Personality wise we are quite alike, oddly enough. We're both introverted and shy, prefering a walk in the park over an evening at the pub. We've been supportive to one another a long time before we started dating; giving advice and helping eachother cope with hardship.

She likes dancing, so I could ask her to teach me even if I am as clumsy as an ox. Not sure if I could ever get her into gaming though.

 

[Eleuthera]

I think Susan mentioned this in the PodCat last week. Paraphrasing: You don't have to like the same things, as long as you don't hate each others hobbies.

As long as you're open to each others tastes, and maybe willing to give it a try occasionally you should be fine. "All" my friends are gamers, and "none" of their partners are. They still seem to be doing fine.

 

[Lilani]

I think Susan mentioned this in the PodCat last week. Paraphrasing: You don't have to like the same things, as long as you don't hate each others hobbies.

I think you all are definitely hitting the nail on the head. My boyfriend likes sports and is really into new technology and bicycles, and I'm not really into that stuff at all, but it doesn't really bother me. I'm ambivalent. It makes him happy, and it's kind of amusing to see him get so excited over stuff I really can't make heads or tails of. And, from what I've been able to tell, he gets the same sort of amusement from me. The only problem I can see occurring is the sports team that he likes isn't the sports team the rest of my family is loyal to, so going to baseball games together might be...complicated.

So, yeah. As long as the hobby doesn't bother you, I think you two should just keep on carrying on. If it's something bizarre or something that would greatly affect you, like collecting and eating roadkill or compulsively urinating in people's yards, then you might have a problem. But as long as you can have fun together and your interests don't stifle each other it's all good.

 

[EeveeElectro]

Everyone has given you spot on advice, so I'll just add sometimes it's very interesting to learn new thing from them if you're open minded.
I was taught how to play MtG (kinda, not got a full grip on it) and I really enjoyed it, I probably wouldn't have bothered beforehand. It can be fun learning new things and it'll help your relationship flourish. If not, many a fine couple go their separate ways with hobbies. It is a pain in the ass to have someone around you all the time so being separate for bit while you do your own thing is great!

 

[Rip Van Rabbit]

I would say that having different interests on both parties is actually a bonus to the relationship. What truly matters at the end of the day is whether you have similar values and agree on the fundamental attributes that contribute towards a healthy relationship. (Honesty, respect, kindness, sensitivity, understanding and trust.)

While a lack of common interests is certainly a daunting way of looking at your situation. I would propose a more healthy viewpoint: Think of the endless possibilities, interests and worlds that you can introduce one another to!

Learning new things and sharing new experiences with your partner is exhilarating. Who knows? The more you delve into each others worlds, the more you learn about one another, the more common ground you gain and you forge a stronger bond.

Actively show interest in what your partner is doing, make an attempt to get involved or discover the theory about it so that you can spur more conversations in the future and apply it to your interests, which you can then illustrate your side to her.

Don't be afraid to share your passion.

Best of luck OP!