How to deal with a friend in love with me?

[Roofstone]

I am at a loss, and being a hopeless nerd. I turn to you. No insult intended.

Earlier today I found out that one of my friends apparently cry every night because he can't get up the courage to confess his love for me..

Not only do I not want a relationship with him, I don't want a relationship at all. The very idea of relationships make me pissed off, they are just a bother..

So.. Any people with a wise world view that could give me some hints? How do I deal with this..? How do I tell him? Should I confront him at all before he confesses?

Edit: Results of my confrontation with him further down. FML.

 

[Weaver]

IMO you should confront him about it, tell him your feelings, and hope to work it out. Also understand you'll probably no longer be friends after this.

Telling him you want to remain friends will likely torture the guy; if he loves you he'll want to make you happy and give you what you want (in this case, remaining friends) but he loves you, and it's going to tear him up inside. It's far too painful to be around someone you love but not having those feelings reciprocated.

It's pretty awful, but that's kind of just how life is.

 

[schrodinger]

oh honey, i've been in that situation many times.
The problem is you're treading the line of losing a friend or not, a line that unfortunately crossed into losing friends for me. BUT! You need to sit him down, and explain to him that you're not interested in a relationship(saying relationship will help ease the eventual hurt feelings). Yes, hurt feelings and awkwardness is a guarantee, but a true friend will put that past him and continue on looking for someone else.

 

[Roofstone]

Ugh, relationships and love sucks..

Why would he fall in love with someone who is openly asexual and plain anti love? Damnit.

I risk the chance of losing pretty much all my social life too, since he is a central part of our "group". The very idea makes me shudder.

I know I gotta confront him, and I will, but I have no idea how to do it, how do I end a friendship of three years and not come out as the bad guy?

...afterthought, I am gonna become one of those friendzone girls that the internet hates. Yaaay.. >_<

 

[JoJo]

Friendzone him, it's the only way to be sure. But seriously, it's probably best to bring it all out into the open so he doesn't keep torturing himself over an impossibility. I've also known quite a few cases of turned down people remaining friends too, so I wouldn't have quite a pessimistic view as Weaver, I'd say you've a fair shot at keeping him and your social group as long as you let him down gently.

 

[Johnny Novgorod]

Confront him, tell him straight out your feelings and put some distance between yourselves, because the guy isn't going to un-love you because you don't love him. I wouldn't try keeping him around as a friend if he wants more than just that. It'd be torture.

 

[hazabaza1]

Don't do the dreaded "friendzone" thing (even though it's bullshit, you're just going to make another angry internet rambler) just approach him and say it how it is.
Or do what I did a few months back and stop talking to them and when they ask you about it just say you're happier not talking to them and cut off basically all contact!

[sub][sub]yaaaaaaay loneliness[/sub][/sub]

 

[Foolery]

Just tell him he doesn't actually love you, it's a crush and you do not feel the same way. If he can't handle that or wants to cause drama, too bad. Cut him loose. Nothing wrong with being straight up and telling someone the truth.

 

[Little Woodsman]

Ugh, relationships and love sucks..

Why would he fall in love with someone who is openly asexual and plain anti love? Damnit.

I risk the chance of losing pretty much all my social life too, since he is a central part of our "group". The very idea makes me shudder.

I know I gotta confront him, and I will, but I have no idea how to do it, how do I end a friendship of three years and not come out as the bad guy?

...afterthought, I am gonna become one of those friendzone girls that the internet hates. Yaaay.. >_<

Parts of the internet hate girls who have 'friend-zoned' guys, the rest of us take the more rational view that if we were in the position of having someone feel that we were obligated to have sex with them just because they "were really there for us" (and most of the time I'm really underwhelmed by the stories recounted by these guys about "being there for her")we would have to refuse for a whole lotta excellent reasons.
Honestly, I think that your situation could use a bit more tact than some here are suggesting. What I would do is look for an opportunity when you have some of your friends (including the person who has a crush on you) around and start up a conversation like (I'm just using Frozen/Elsa as an example, there are many others which might work better for your group) "You know what bugs me? In stories like Frozen where a major character has no romantic love interest and everyone immediately jumps to the conclusion that they are gay! If a character hasn't shown any romantic inclinations at all, that would make them asexual. Like me, I'm asexual, I don't ever want to be in a romantic or sexual relationship with anyone, should people assume that I'm gay?" With a loud pronouncement of that out there your friend has no excuse for continuing to dwell on his feelings for you, and you will have made it clear that it is not him you are rejecting, but all romantic/sexual relationships.
If he still doesn't get the message, try to introduce him to someone. Nothing gets the message through to a guy quicker than "I think it would be great if you got together with (X)". If you can't think of anyone to try to set him up with, or setting him up with someone doesn't work, well it's all on him. If he is a *real* friend he'll work to make sure that there are no repercussions to you, only to him.
Hope this helps...

 

[Bara_no_Hime]

Why would he fall in love with someone who is openly asexual and plain anti love? Damnit.

Wait, he knows you are asexual and a-romantic and he still plans to confess his feelings? That's... kinda shitty of him. I realize he can't help his feelings, but damn - that just isn't very considerate of him to put you on the spot like that when he knows you can't (and have no wish to) return his feelings.

Captcha: two hands
... naw, too easy.

 

[Loop Stricken]

Why would he fall in love with someone who is openly asexual and plain anti love? Damnit.

Wait, he knows you are asexual and a-romantic and he still plans to confess his feelings? That's... kinda shitty of him. I realize he can't help his feelings, but damn - that just isn't very considerate of him to put you on the spot like that when he knows you can't (and have no wish to) return his feelings.

Captcha: two hands
... naw, too easy.

Alas, we can't all turn our hearts off so easily.

 

[Callate]

If you're clear that your motivations are more a lack of interest in relationships, period, than lack of interest in him, it will probably come as less of a blow. Whether you will remain friends, or even if it's a good idea that you should do so, I cannot predict on such a limited sense of the situation.

Just don't show up two weeks later having decided that relationships are great and demonstrating it with public displays of affection with someone else.

 

[drummond13]

I'm gonna start by saying I'm male and have been in this situation a few times, though I'm sure it's different for girls.

A lot of people have been recommending confrontation, which I really can't see the benefit of. In that situation you're putting him on the spot, and it isn't going to save him any pain, believe me. Also, I'm curious how accurate the information you got was. This guy may very well be in love with you, but to directly confront him and shut him down based on nothing but hearsay, no matter the source, doesn't feel right to me.

That being said, if he really thinks he's in love with you, he either needs to find a way to man up and move on or your friendship will likely soon be over. Guys who obsess over girls that aren't interested in them are rarely mature enough to be respectful of that lack of interest.

If he does end up confessing his feelings for you, or otherwise puts you in an uncomfortable situation, then I would be understanding, but firm, and don't leave any vagueness at all in letting him know you simply aren't interested. Desperate guys see that as an opening, when it's meant to be a way to soften the blow a little. It never works. Be as nice as you can, but be direct.

But I wouldn't instigate this confrontation. It sounds like you wouldn't have even known about his feelings if someone hadn't told you, so he's clearly not making you feel uncomfortable or awkward in social situations. As I said above, I really don't see the benefit in rejecting someone out of the blue based on rumors you heard behind his back. As a man, I know I'd be incredibly hurt to learn that someone had told my private feelings to a girl I liked behind my back, especially if those feelings involved crying myself to sleep (Whoever told you this is no friend of his). Wait for him to make the first move.

And relationships can be awesome with the right partner, but I'm sure not gonna try convincing you of that now.

Good luck.

 

[CardinalPiggles]

As someone who recently confessed his love for a girl who wasn't interested in him I would have much preferred openness from her as soon as she found out, and her to tell me straight that she wasn't interested. Now it's even more awkward than in it would have been for us (me especially). We're still "friends" but we hardly talk to each other now. And we have to work with other which sucks.

 

[Bara_no_Hime]

Why would he fall in love with someone who is openly asexual and plain anti love? Damnit.

Wait, he knows you are asexual and a-romantic and he still plans to confess his feelings? That's... kinda shitty of him. I realize he can't help his feelings, but damn - that just isn't very considerate of him to put you on the spot like that when he knows you can't (and have no wish to) return his feelings.

Captcha: two hands
... naw, too easy.

Alas, we can't all turn our hearts off so easily.

Yes. As I noted in my comment. It has been bolded for your attention.

 

[AwesomeHatMan]

As a dude hopefully I can be straight-up I'm gonna try to keep this concise.

1.) Make sure that he actually likes you and no-one is taking the piss.
2.) Don't blame him. He isn't choosing to like you just like you aren't choosing not to like him.
3.) Tell him you're going to be honest because he's your friend.
4.) Don't say you "think of him as just a friend" he is a friend not "just a friend". Instead say you're not interested in him like that. You're just not and you're never going to be. Do NOT say you're asexual... you have not met every single person on this planet you can't say you will never be attracted to any of them. That and if you say that and somehow you do get with someone he will be extremely pissed off. Not because you're with someone else but because you lied and being honest is the most important part.
5.) Say you're sorry (yes you did nothing wrong but you say "sorry for your loss" at funerals without necessarily being responsible for it)and acknowledge the fact that he's in a pretty shit position to be in. Because he will feel like this whole thing is his fault when it's really no-one's fault. Just remember he feels pretty bad.
6.) Ask him where he wants to go from here see what he wants to say.

Tip: He will still be really, really upset. Tell him that's fine that he's upset and just be nice about it.

Also I'd be interested to see what the outcome of this is.

 

[Roofstone]

Welp. Now I am hated.

I took some tips to heart, and I gently approached him with it. He confirmed that he liked me. I apologized and explained that I simply don't feel romantic feelings at all, that I am completely asexual and aromantic.

Do remember that this is something I have told everyone several times, and nearly everyone who even knows about me, knows this fact. Still, I explained it.

And now I am a ***** for leading him on apparently. Only a horrible person would joke about such things to hurt others.

Admittedly it was someone else that was with us at the time (Not at the time of conversation of course, but later, apparently my friend confided in him) that said these things, though he agreed openly. I just left afterwards.

...

I thought this was how it worked in movies and pre school, not god damned real life! I've said it out loud several times and even explained myself. Yet I am a ***** for leading him on! What the actual fuck?

Christ on a bicycle I hate romance. Fucking hate it. I just hope the rest of my social circle aren't morons as well.

 

[AwesomeHatMan]

Don't hate the romance hate the... game? ... well you know what I mean...

 

[Roofstone]

I am actually surprised and angry. How can several years of friendship turn like this, just because one person was big enough of an idiot to fall in love with someone who can't feel romantic feelings?

That is fucked up!

Is this normal? Do guys usually think like this? Or is it just my friends who are fucked up!?

Jim Sterling damned I am having a bad day.

 

[Roofstone]

And another update for what has become my personal rant thread.

He (the one who likes me) is just sad and not angry, even if he ignores me and is obviously someone sour, my friends however, are pissed. At both of us. At me for being a *****, and at him, for being a coward. How eloquent.

I am done with that circle of friends, be sure of that.

I'll also say it again. Love sucks, being romantic is for idiots. >_< This is such a mess! Just because my friend is a idiot who falls in love with the wrong people.

Love sucks. It is horrible.