I just can't do it anymore. (Quite depressing stuff here, you were warned)

[ChildishLegacy]

Ok so this is going to be a bit hard for me but I have to let it out somehow, the last 2 years have been very strange ones for me and I've been dealing with it reasonably well for the most part. I'm not posting this looking for sympathy, although it's normally inevitable that something like this will get a lot of it, you don't have to show sympathy if you don't want to, I just need to vent because I feel really trapped at the moment.

Quite a few years ago my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer, and for about a year she was in and out of the hospital, having surgery, chemotherapy and anything they could give her to help her beat it. Her breast cancer was gone within that year.

However 2 years ago, just after I had finished my GCSEs at secondary school, we learnt that her cancer had come back in the form of bone cancer and that there wasn't much that could be done about it. This obviously being the worst that had ever happened to any of my family took what was left of any "childhood innocence" and forced me to grow up and face what was coming over the summer holidays between secondary school and me starting my A levels at college, but I guess we all grow up at some point, I just wish I could have had a few more summers just not having a care in the world and being happy all the time.

So in the past 2 years we have all been learning to cope with what life has handed us, and I was proud of how I was handling it, I became an A* student with my first A level (my maths A level that I took in my first year of college) and got an offer to study Science at Cambridge University, quite frankly things were looking up, everything at home was in a kind of 'stasis' and although things were bad, nothing was getting much worse.

Sadly though, in the last month, my mum has been getting worse, and very ill, even struggling to get out of bed, and it pains me to see her in that state because she is the strongest person I know to date. Also my grades in my January exams for my A levels have slipped from A*s to A, which could put my Cambridge offer in jeopardy, this obviously due to a lot of upset at home as of late and a lot of pressure put on by myself because I really want to do well. It's just becoming harder and harder for me to accept, and keep a smile on my face, or even smile once a day, I just really don't know what to do. I've been in tears every night for the past few days.

At home I have no motivation to study or do work, because all I can think about is how my Mum that raised me to be the person I am so proud to be today may not be longer for this world, and it's just not something I'm ready to think about at the age of 17, I just can't feel like this and keep working to the standard that I know I want to be at, and could do if I didn't feel so god damn shitty all the time. Admittedly at college when I'm with friends I do feel a lot better because I can put it to the back of my mind a lot of the time, but it's just getting harder and harder to stop thinking about ever since I've seen my mum in such a weak state, I just can't keep doing this.

I don't know if I'm looking for advice or just to vent, but I really had to type this out, and there's so much more I could say about it but I'm struggling to put it all into words, it's a really strange time in my life and I'm honestly clueless on what I should be doing right now, I just want everything to be fine and happy at home for a little while longer, and can't accept that it never will. I'm honestly struggling to keep going. Thanks for reading anyway guys, I needed to do this.

 

[Lucem712]

I'm not sure what I can offer, my mom also had cancer (Ovarian) and passed away shortly after being diagnosed. It can be quite a roller coaster, I recall being in Jr High and the day after the funeral, going to school that friday. I was disappointed by the fact that spring break started after that.

What works for me is being consumed in either a hobby or work. I draw, I game, I do origami, I do 3D modeling, I do CAD anything really to just stay focused and not think to much.

I'm not sure what good it will do you, or how that even might help. But I hope you overcome and not only survive, but thrive.

Good luck, friend.

 

[gorfias]

You aren't really looking for advice and needed to vent so, consider this a friendly ear. While I am a hyper over-opinionated person, I'll try to keep them to myself for now and just write, I am truly sorry for your troubles in this challenging time. I hope you find the inner strength to do what you can and accept that there are things you cannot do. I hope your mother takes honor in knowing she raised a child that can feel so deeply, and who has already accomplished so much in what I hope is your successful journey to Cambridge.

 

[requisitename]

I'm sorry for your pain.

It sounds like you're doing as well as you can and you *should* be proud of that. But, having a hard time isn't something you should be ashamed of. Losing a parent is hard, especially when you're still young. Talk to your friends. They're a great resource right now. Don't let "I don't want to drag everyone else down" keep you from it. I'm not saying it has to be every word out of your mouth by any stretch, but I've found that if you let the people who care about you know when you're struggling, it makes things a little easier. The weight of the world is heavy. It's always nice to have more than one set of shoulders carrying it.

As for Cambridge.. I may be naive, but I think that if you talk to whomever your contact is about what's going on a little, they'll probably be able to see that you're *not* slacking or screwing off instead of working.. that is, that your grades have slipped a bit for a reason. And that's not even a huge slip, so all the better.

Also, lack of motivation is one of the signs of depression. It may be situational (understandable) or it may be clinical (exacerbated by the situation).. but, you may want to bring it up the next time you see your doctor to see what s/he has to say about it.

Finally, try to remember to take care of yourself. Eat when you should, sleep when you need to, etc. Stress, anxiety and depression can make you not do those things and that just makes everything that much worse. Do the best you can and let go of what you have to. Make peace with what's going on if it's at all possible.

Good luck. If you want to talk, PM me.

 

[ChildishLegacy]

Thanks a lot guys, just having somebody hear me out and having something to say about it for a change is really nice.

 

[ChildishLegacy]

I'm not sure what I can offer, my mom also had cancer (Ovarian) and passed away shortly after being diagnosed. It can be quite a roller coaster, I recall being in Jr High and the day after the funeral, going to school that friday. I was disappointed by the fact that spring break started after that.

What works for me is being consumed in either a hobby or work. I draw, I game, I do origami, I do 3D modeling, I do CAD anything really to just stay focused and not think to much.

I'm not sure what good it will do you, or how that even might help. But I hope you overcome and not only survive, but thrive.

Good luck, friend.

I'm so sorry to hear that you've had to go through the same stuff, and at an early stage in your life too.
I really hope you don't mind me asking, but is it relatively easy (because I know everythings going to be hard at the stage I'm at/going to be in) to keep your regular life going while dealing with 'the worst', other than the odd time where you just have to stop to get your head together?

 

[Lucem712]

I'm not sure what I can offer, my mom also had cancer (Ovarian) and passed away shortly after being diagnosed. It can be quite a roller coaster, I recall being in Jr High and the day after the funeral, going to school that friday. I was disappointed by the fact that spring break started after that.

What works for me is being consumed in either a hobby or work. I draw, I game, I do origami, I do 3D modeling, I do CAD anything really to just stay focused and not think to much.

I'm not sure what good it will do you, or how that even might help. But I hope you overcome and not only survive, but thrive.

Good luck, friend.

I'm so sorry to hear that you've had to go through the same stuff, and at an early stage in your life too.
I really hope you don't mind me asking, but is it relatively easy (because I know everythings going to be hard at the stage I'm at/going to be in) to keep your regular life going while dealing with 'the worst', other than the odd time where you just have to stop to get your head together?

I think the hardest part was the sympathy. I was just trying to go on, try and be normal and everyone was looking at me like I was crazy. A group of people who were not my friends put up a banner through the main hall I passed at least 2-3 times a day, my friends told them not to. I hated it, going through that hall every day being reminded of what I wanted to put in the back of my mind for just a few hours.

I still haven't completely recovered from it, but in times of great emotional stress due to that phase of my life, I completely shut down, emotion-wise. I know I push people away lot because it and I can sometimes become detached from people very quickly.

But, all in all, I'm pretty emotionally stable and I can go about my daily life easily. Just some days are still harder than others.

I hope you are doin' alright, I remember being there and feeling isolated for my family. It was difficult, to say the least. If you need to shoot me a PM, feel free.

 

[Esotera]

Firstly if you haven't already, claim mitigating circumstances, which will help out with your academic results. Secondly, if you're bright enough to get an offer from Cambridge, that puts you pretty high up compared to most people. And it's totally possible to get great A level results in really shitty circumstances...I managed to get A*AA whilst in the middle of a psychotic episode. Just set aside time each day for reading textbooks, and practice exam papers.

Also, do you have someone you can properly talk to, like a counsellor or something? Going through something like this is really stressful, and you shouldn't let it get you down as much as possible.

 

[Daystar Clarion]

Oh man, that sucks, you have my sympathies.

I can't even begin to understand the kind of sadness you're going through, so I'll just leave you with this.

Get those grades, and get into Cambridge. Your mother is probably no longer living for herself, but for her family, and nothing will help her more than knowing her child is well on their way to success.

I know it's easier said than done, and I wish you all the luck in the world.

Do it for her.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

I don't know if I'm looking for advice or just to vent, but I really had to type this out, and there's so much more I could say about it but I'm struggling to put it all into words, it's a really strange time in my life and I'm honestly clueless on what I should be doing right now, I just want everything to be fine and happy at home for a little while longer, and can't accept that it never will. I'm honestly struggling to keep going. Thanks for reading anyway guys, I needed to do this.

I'm so, so sorry. I wish I could say something that would make this better for you, but there's absolutely nothing I can say that will in any way soften the blow of losing your Mom. I know it's killing you right now, but try to hold on to the fact that you've got some time with her still. Try to make the most of it.

I lost my Dad, very suddenly, a few years ago. I still struggle with it, every day. It's not something you ever truly recover from.

Hang in there.

 

[ChildishLegacy]

I still struggle with it, every day. It's not something you ever truly recover from.

That's what I'm scared of most, that whenever I am actually smiling or laughing, I will always remind myself that there is stuff that makes me unhappy, and that I will just obsess about it way too much and it will get in the way of things.

Sorry to hear about your loss too. Thanks for your support.

 

[Zebidizy]

one of my bests friends father was killed in a car accident right before summer A level exams, and from that he had to look after his baby sister and younger brother step into his fathers position, I dont know how he coped with it, but as friends we tried to always be there and support, make him laugh and give him some sense of an ordinary day... if things are looking bleak never be afraid to go to your mates, also for your A level exams don't worry too much as they will take into account what is going on in tour family life.

my heartfelt wishes to ya and ur family.

 

[Professor Putricide]

I only wish there was more that I can offer other than encouragement to continue. :/

Good luck man. Be strong.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

I still struggle with it, every day. It's not something you ever truly recover from.

That's what I'm scared of most, that whenever I am actually smiling or laughing, I will always remind myself that there is stuff that makes me unhappy, and that I will just obsess about it way too much and it will get in the way of things.

There's a quote in Sandman that I think sums up the pain and actuality of loss very succinctly.

You attend the funeral, you bid the dead farewell. You grieve. Then you continue with your life. And at times the fact of her absence will hit you like a blow to the chest, and you will weep. But this will happen less and less as time goes on. She is dead. You are alive. So live.

I won't say that it never "gets better". You live with it, and you get better at carrying the weight of it. And every now and then, the reality of it will hit you out of the blue, and it'll be like it happened yesterday. But, as it says in the quote, this happens less and less as time goes on. It never completely goes away, but it doesn't define you.

You'll be a different person, but you don't have to be a broken person. Grief can also make you a more patient person, a more compassionate and understanding person. You'll just never "get over it", nor, I suspect, will you want to. You'll always carry her with you.

 

[StBishop]

I know that feel.

It sucks (wo)man. I didn't end up losing my mum to cancer (although she did leave) she's living with her condition, it's doable, cancer isn't a death sentence as it once was.

It might be worth looking in to deferring college (is that even possible) or contacting Cambridge about your situation. Which would mean you can worry less about your marks and spend some time with your mum and chill a little bit.

Also, listen to some music, it helped me deal with the idea of losing my mum.

 

[Evilsanta]

The only advice I can give is to hang in there. And IF your mom would pass away spend as much time as possible with her now. I lost both my parents to cancer, My mom had it for over 10 years her docter thought she only had 2. And my dad got prostate cancer and died from surgury complications. And that was 2 years after my moms death. I regret that I never took the time to really get to know them and spent more time with them in there last moments.

So...Yeah. Hang in there. With the help of supporting relatives and friends that helps you it won't suck...As much.

There's a quote in Sandman that I think sums up the pain and actuality of loss very succinctly.

You attend the funeral, you bid the dead farewell. You grieve. Then you continue with your life. And at times the fact of her absence will hit you like a blow to the chest, and you will weep. But this will happen less and less as time goes on. She is dead. You are alive. So live.

I won't say that it never "gets better". You live with it, and you get better at carrying the weight of it. And every now and then, the reality of it will hit you out of the blue, and it'll be like it happened yesterday. But, as it says in the quote, this happens less and less as time goes on. It never completely goes away, but it doesn't define you.

You'll be a different person, but you don't have to be a broken person. Grief can also make you a more patient person, a more compassionate and understanding person. You'll just never "get over it", nor, I suspect, will you want to. You'll always carry her with you.

And what this person posted.

 

[Your once and future Fanboy]

I understand totally, my aunt died this July (July 4th 2011) after battling cancer for 7 years, knowing from the start that she wouldn't survive it. This happened 3 months (to the day) after my grandfather died (April 4th 2011). We where all devastated and most of us at home haven't recovered yet.

2011 was a shitty year for me, to deaths in the family, my father had a heart attack, my mom had a cancer scare and my best friend had a stroke, and had to fit in a artificial heart valve.

All I can say is that it will become tolerable later, the pain will never go away, but it will diminish. And as for suicide, it will hurt everyone you love so much that it's just plain selfish.

..on the other hand, 2012 looks good for me, he he...eh (awkward laugh)

 

[beniki]

I'm not sure what I can offer, my mom also had cancer (Ovarian) and passed away shortly after being diagnosed. It can be quite a roller coaster, I recall being in Jr High and the day after the funeral, going to school that friday. I was disappointed by the fact that spring break started after that.

What works for me is being consumed in either a hobby or work. I draw, I game, I do origami, I do 3D modeling, I do CAD anything really to just stay focused and not think to much.

I'm not sure what good it will do you, or how that even might help. But I hope you overcome and not only survive, but thrive.

Good luck, friend.

I'm so sorry to hear that you've had to go through the same stuff, and at an early stage in your life too.
I really hope you don't mind me asking, but is it relatively easy (because I know everythings going to be hard at the stage I'm at/going to be in) to keep your regular life going while dealing with 'the worst', other than the odd time where you just have to stop to get your head together?

My Dad passed away from a combination of liver and bowel cancer when I was your age. It was slow, and it was bad, especially at the end.

Don't worry about Cambridge too much. Universities are pretty sympathetic when it comes to things like this. Imperial College still accepted me even after my own grades took a hit, partly due to my teachers calling them and explaining the situation.

As for normal life... well, the first few weeks are the worst. My Mum called it the cycle. You kind of relive the horrible scenes in your memories every few hours. As the days go by, the gap between remembering them gets longer, and longer. It never really goes away, but it won't dominate your life.

Try and be patient with the people around you offering sympathy. More often than not, they just don't know what to do, and probably need your help more than you need their sympathy. So be patient, and show a little vulnerability if you can... it helps people understand.

Good luck.

 

[ChildishLegacy]

Firstly if you haven't already, claim mitigating circumstances, which will help out with your academic results. Secondly, if you're bright enough to get an offer from Cambridge, that puts you pretty high up compared to most people. And it's totally possible to get great A level results in really shitty circumstances...I managed to get A*AA whilst in the middle of a psychotic episode. Just set aside time each day for reading textbooks, and practice exam papers.

One of the senior tutors at my college sent off a 'special circumstances' thing to cambridge at the same time as my UCAS application, but they still gave me an offer of A* in chemistry and AA in Physics/Further maths (meaning my A* in A level maths essentially doesn't count in it), so if I got A*AAA with no A* in chemistry, do you think that they will understand that with my circumstances getting even worse? Kind of what I'm hoping.