I keep alienating everyone

[cookyy2k]

Ok, so I don't really know how to write this, I will try to do so without bias but as I'm one of the "sides" in this I doubt it will be completely neutral.

So, I seem to be alienating people at a steady pace. There are a few ways I manage this and I'm going to give the 2 most recent examples, spoiler'd for space saving.

Spoiler: incident 1

One of my friends on facebook shared one of those annoying pseudoscience pictures that go around and they were commenting on how it was interesting and they never knew that.

I commented that it was incorrect and corrected it (phrased nicely), giving them a link to a source. Since they found the new information interesting I thought they'd be happy to get the actual facts.

They exploded at me, told me I didn't know everything that I'm condescending and just because I have some "fancy degree" it doesn't make me any more intelligent than them.

I posted back saying that I was sorry but I thought they would like the real fact since they found it interesting.

They replied saying that I always try to intimidate others with my intelligence and I make others look small to feel good about myself all the time.

I left it at that and didn't comment back.

Spoiler: incident 2

I was talking to a friend and I used a word they didn't understand so they asked me what it meant, I described it as best I could and when I was done they went off on a rant saying I only use all these big fancy words to make others look small and show off and they didn't need to know its meaning anyway and stormed off.

Now in both those "incidents" I was not talking down to anyone or trying to look big. I wasn't judgmental of the other person. Those people aren't stupid, they both know way more in their field than me and obviously I don't know everything. I may use what are considered longer words in my written and spoken English but only when necessary, when another shorter word would lose the specific meaning.

"he thinks he knows everything" seems to be a common reason people give why dislike me. My fiance's parents both hate me because apparently I think I know everything. Ok I do know more than the average person in sciences because well that's where my education and career lie. I know very little in say shakespeare's plays and would never pipe up in a conversation about them because I know I don't know enough.

Also as an aside I obviously don't think I know it all, otherwise why would I become a research physicist? If I knew it all I wouldn't exactly bother with research!

So escapists, what do you think causes this apparent insult to people when I talk to them? I honestly can't work it out, why should either of the people in those incidents react that way?

 

[The Funslinger]

As you said, you could be being biased, but if I give your anecdotes the benefit of the doubt, it sounds like your apparent friends are wankers. Even among my wider circles of friends, only a couple of people have ever drawn attention to me occasionally using larger words, and even then, they were making a joke of it.

 

[mattttherman3]

You see, I sometimes come off as an ass hole despite not meaning to be. Basically you either bite your tongue or alienate the morons. I would personally alienate the morons.

Example: I am an Atheist, my friends wedding was VERY religious, his wife is training to be a pastor. They have a child, they are indoctrinating her into not questioning things and just thanking God for everything,(example: "why is the sky blue mommy?" GODS WILL). Instead of saying anything to them, because I know it WILL result in a fight, I just don't talk to them if I can avoid it. If I have to, religion is NEVER brought up. They recently posted a video of their kid praying, I got real pissed but frankly, anyone who absolutely denies evolution without reading up on it is not worth my time. Now, if I was ever at a dinner with them, and the daughter asked why I wasn't praying, I would tell her why very blatantly and fuck the consequences:"Because God probably isn't real."(You can't disprove god outright, but I do not worship a genocidal maniac). Now, that would be the right thing to do.

 

[Quaxar]

What, did they post Did-yuo-kno and think it was real?
http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m8wzc81NYz1runggso1_500.png

Aaaaanyway, I have the same "situation" as you but for some reason whenever I'm being a smartass and correcting stuff everybody tells me how intelligent I am. Luck of the Irish, eh? And I'm not even Irish! But I did watch a Lucky Charms commercial once... well, half of it.

OT: Sounds like someone doesn't like being proven wrong. I hate those kind of people. Fortunately, most of them are into YEC or conspiracies as well so they're pretty easy to spot.
You just keep on correcting physics errors, you'd be a pretty bad physicist otherwise.

 

[JoJo]

This may sound a little harsh OP but I think it might be the way you explain things to your friends that earns their err, rather than just being knowledgeable. Without trying to tout my own horn too much, I'm known amongst my friends for being intelligent and knowing a lot about certain topics (science, history, politics, religion etc) though like you I'm a dunce at certain other topics (TV, movies, sport, celebrities). I have never been rejected or even told that "I thinks I know everything", despite this. I'd guess this is because I have a likeable personality and positive traits other than my intelligence.

I don't know you personally and so I will not make any judgements but have you considered the possibility that you make come across as arrogant or overly correcting, even if you don't do it deliberately? Of course, your friends might just be insecure jerks, only you can know for sure

 

[DrRockor]

The second example seems weird to me. Why would they go off on you after they asked you to explain the word?

I don't see the problem with what you did. Maybe you're being unintentionally condensing, I've done that before. It sounds like they have a problem with being corrected. I've had to learn to bite my tongue sometimes just for the sack of not getting yelled at for nothing.

 

[Benpasko]

People sometimes yell at me for using big words. Late at night when I'm really tired, I forget the normal words for things and start using really flowery language, it's kinda funny.

 

[Nightvalien]

Your friends seem to be quite shortsighted, people know things that others don't, explaining something for someone to me is one of the best things ever, if someone corrects my spelling I am always grateful I say your friends need to calm themselves a little.

 

[PsychicTaco115]

Can we see said conversations? It'd make everything more clearer

Just screen-cap and paint over private info, PRESTO! Proof is in the chocolate pudding

But to be fair, people DO seem to scapegoat the one guy who breaks up their ignorance jamboree

 

[capnpupster]

What's the saying? "If you ever find that you're the smartest person in the room go to another room" Sounds like that might apply.

 

[Pebkio]

You've got the wrong friends. Try finding people who speak on the same level, and who aren't impressed by pseudoscience. In fact, find yourself a couple of mates who wouldn't be caught dead posting those pictures. They probably also don't like standup comedy because most of that is based in ignorance.

My friends put up with my constant cynicism and I put up with their smug preciseness because those qualities seem to play well off each other. Sure, sometimes we need a little break from each other, but otherwise we enjoy each-others company. If your friends can't stand the way you are, then they aren't your friends. Move on, join a debunker's club or something.

 

[In Search of Username]

I'd guess the situation is that you're coming across as condescending towards these people without trying to be. Maybe you correct people too often, or maybe the way you phrase things/your tone comes across as arrogant and know-it-all. If you nicely explain that you were in no way trying to be condescending and people are still angry at you, I dunno, seems like they're being unreasonable (unless you've been really condescending without noticing it somehow). Just try to resist explaining stuff to people if they didn't directly ask and it's not a big mistake they've made, and when you do explain something try to do so in a friendly way. All you can really do, if they're still pissed off that's more their problem than yours.

 

[knight steel]

Hmm well the way I see it there are four possible reasons:

1:You don't mean to be condescending but are-many people say things without realising the tone or body language they are using so while they are well meaning their original attempt doesn't come across as they seem angry/smug because of the tone/posture.

2:Your friends are insecure-Your knowledge/there lack of knowledge upset them and they feel envious and upset and are taking out on you instead of admitting their shortcomings.

3:You do it often and when it's not needed-Maybe it's in your personality or they open themselves to criticism often but you you point out there mistakes so often/when it's not important that they get pissed of despite your good intentions.

4: A mixture of the previous three mixing together-not much more to say on this one.

 

[sextus the crazy]

As you said, you could be being biased, but if I give your anecdotes the benefit of the doubt, it sounds like your apparent friends are wankers. Even among my wider circles of friends, only a couple of people have ever drawn attention to me occasionally using larger words, and even then, they were making a joke of it.

Pretty much this. You should get some new friends. If are/have attended university, then you probably should have the ability to find some smartish.

 

[Apollo45]

Well, there are a few things that could be happening. Not knowing the exact situation, or talking to you in real life (because that means a lot) I can't say anything completely accurately. My dad, however, has always had a very condescending tone to his voice that would drive me insane as a kid. He could be complimenting me on something and it would come across as him going "Well, you could have done better". I recently learned I've got a bit of the same thing going on, which means I end up having to be careful about what I say and how I say it. If I say anything in an offhand manner, just saying "that's kinda cool" or "nice" or whatever, I found myself having to clarify more often than not when people were taking what I said as sarcasm or something. It got better as people got to know me, but I had to clarify a lot of things and got into a few arguments that way.

It's possible you've got something similar going on. Look at what you're saying and how you're saying it. Big words aren't bad, but if you've got your nose in the air while you're using them you look like a stuck up brat. It could just have to do with the rest of your personality. If I were you I'd talk to your fiance about it. She's probably got some things to say and would be easier and more willing to talk to you about it than other would.

In general though, if you're being called out by random people on Facebook, you probably are correcting people a bit too often. Is responding to incorrect posts on Facebook something you often do? Do you routinely put yourself and your beliefs on Facebook? Do you complain about ignorant people at all? Really, doing anything on Facebook other than the occasional non-biased comment and a few life updates here and there is going to bug people. It's often a better idea to just keep your mouth shut when it comes to that sort of thing. Really, it's often a good idea to keep your mouth shut most of the time, even is someone is wrong. If you're constantly spewing out random knowledge you come across as a know-it-all. If you've got something "intelligent" to say about every subject, again, you come across as a know-it-all.

In the end it's probably a combination of a lot of things, but people don't get called out on that often unless they're being a smartass. It's obviously not intentional, but ask someone about it and try to get better. As I said, your fiance would be a good start there. She probably knows what you're doing but enjoys your company anyway, so you'd get an honest idea from her about what's going on.

 

[Risingblade]

Maybe you have a horrible personality? It might not be what you say but how you say it. Emphasis on words, tone of voice, eye contact etc. You should ask some of your other friends who know you if you have bad habits while speaking to others.

 

[likalaruku]

Your friends sound like the easily intimidated & overly defensive types.

Do you really want to hang out with people who want you to dumb yourself down to be level with them because they're not comfortable with you the way you are & want you to change?

Find new friends with a higher vocabulary who are difficult to intimidate.

Do it slowly, not all at once. You find some new people & slowly spend less & less time with the others; it's like looking for a new job while you're still employed.

 

[kypsilon]

Lol...dude I have a brother that does that sort of thing all the time. Really, it's not you, it's them for not being unable to accept you for who you are. You could try and change who you are to fit in...but why bother?

You see the world in this way and they see it in that. *shrugs*

 

[Basement Cat]

Others have mentioned several very good possibilities. Since we aren't familiar with you, your friends or your relationship with them there are limits to our ability to help.

I can offer one real life example of how intellectuals can make non-intellectuals uneasy or even defensive no matter how easy going/non-condescending/accepting you may be. And that you occasionally have to stand your ground and be who you are.

I come from a family of intellectuals. One of my cousins married a guy who wasn't one. He's smart and clever and these days he owns his own car shop where he specializes in customizing vehicles for customers and is becoming quite successful--hardly a loser or brain dead dummy, to put it mildly. He and I get along just fine--we pretty much always have.

But when he first met the family he was just a teenager with a teenager's generic collection of insecurities. Before he came to realize that we just accepted folks for who they were and didn't give a damn if they'd gone to college etc--he was more than a little...hmmm, defensive, should I say?

I remember talking to him one time and he boasted "I may not be book smart but I'm street smart! He wasn't defensive in saying it--it was just a way of trying to establish that he knew stuff. The swagger in his tone irritated me, though.

My reply came without thought: "Prisons are full of guys who are street smart."

It was a casual reply. No heat or condescending tone or attitude. He shut up and never said anything like that again because he realized it wouldn't get him anywhere. We weren't the kind of folks who were impressed by someone lauding "street smarts".

Moral of this story: People can be uneasy around intellectuals simply because they aren't intellectuals themselves. How you get along with them depends not just on how you behave but on how they respond to you. You can do your best to be "one of the guys" but there are limits to what you can do to be accepted by others. And you have to stand your ground and be yourself or your friendship is doomed to fail because it will be based on a lie.

 

[Grottnikk]

For example #1, the other guy is a twit. He's exploding at you because HE has a problem. HE finds you intimidating because you are more intelligent than he is. That's HIS problem and he's trying to make it yours.

For example #2, mostly as above, but know your audience - don't use a 50 cent word when a 10 cent one would do just as nicely . That said, if he asked for the definition then 10 seconds later told you he didn't need it, he's was being a knob.