"I wish people would stop hitting on me" - What it actually means, and why it is still insulting.

[Realitycrash]

READ ENTIRE OP BEFORE COMMENTING.

This is a hypothesis of mine, and if I had more space in the topic-bar it would have said "What I think it actually means".

Now, we've all experienced someone (usually a girl, but sometimes a guy) go "Oh, damn, it's so annoying that people always hit on me when I go to pubs/parties, I wish they would stop", etc.
And for those of us that rarely get any attention or affection at all, this seems slightly insulting. It's like you're poor, and this rich guy is walking by going "Oh, damn, my wallet is so heavy, why must I have so much money?".
I am certain many of you will recognize the situation, and the feeling (yes, I am using a slight gamer-stereotype, but I'm also stereotyping myself, I'll get there, chill).

See, I used to be this rather..Well, fat blob, really. Overweight, glasses, sleazy hair, the works. And when women said things like this, how "horrible" it was to be bought drinks and be payed a whole lot of attention when we went out, I just wanted to strangle them. It felt extremely unfair.
Now, a few years later, in my early twenties, I started working out. I lost all my weight, I ditched my glasses, I managed to get myself a pretty "look", and suddenly, the tables were turned.
And I loved it. I could not for the life of my see why anyone would complain about getting hit on or bought things. I started to think that these people (almost always women, in my case) were just a bunch of tools, wanting to brag about how good their life was.
Then I realized something.
What most likely bothers women is not being hit on, but the feeling of being almost stalked. It's the creepy factor that there's always someone looking at you, trying to get something from you, and the knowledge that deep inside, they as women were probably not strong enough to prevent them if they should feel like trying to take something by force.
I'm a rather big guy, and when a girl steps over the line (i.e starts groping me) I tend to physically grab said women hard by the arm and give her a good eye-to-eye stare, clearly saying "No."
And that is that.
Women..Well, they can try, but most guys tend to be a whole lot bigger.

So what I'm trying to say here is that I think these complaints are not about the given affection, but by feeling somewhat stalked and uneasy.
Now, if this is true, then I can understand. However, then I wish these people would phrase themselves better than "Oh it's so annoying to be this beautiful". Because to most people, it's still insulting.


Thoughts/comments?

 

[Lilani]

I had one of those "stalky" experiences in my university's anime club last night. There's this guy who I've been vaguely aware that likes me for a while now, but he never acted much on it so I just went merrily on my way. He's a nice friend, but I'm not really attracted to him because he's so...vulgar sometimes. I don't mind talking about boobs and whatnot, simply because I have them and it's anime and gratuitous boobie shots are just a part of the game. But sometimes when he gets to talking about them and attractive women...the way he goes about it gets into creepy territory. Like, even creepy in the context of watching anime. Last night I happened to have ended up sitting next to him, and it was particularly cold in the room and I said "Man, it's freezing in here."

He responds with "Well...we could hug." I wasn't really sure how to respond, I didn't want to turn it into a big formal put-down in the middle of club, so I just quietly said "No, I know, but no." And he said oh, okay didn't say anything else. But then after that, I felt really awkward for the rest of the time. He tried to give me sweet eyes a couple of other times after that, but I didn't say much to him from that point forward (or about how cold it was) and kept my eyes firmly glued to the screen. I didn't move seats because that would have just made everyone else aware of what was going on and I didn't want that sort of attention, either.

So...yeah. Probably the most awkward I have ever felt around a guy in my life, up to this point. Especially how he continued to react "that way" to the attractive girls on screen...I don't expect him to change for my sake, but after trying to ask me out it just all became very awkward for me. It was that sort of "stalky" feeling. I know he's a nice guy and he would never go that far, but it did make me realize exactly how easy it is to get into those situations and how difficult and awkward it is to backtrack and make things clear when you realize you've sent the wrong message. I've never been in a pub or party situation where that's happened, but I can't imagine it's any more pleasant. Unwanted romantic attention is now definitely toward the top of my list of awkward feelings I hope to avoid in the future at all costs.

I can't blame him for trying, and I imagine had I liked him in return it would have turned out to have been a beautiful moment. But if you are a guy and you hope to do something like this to a lady you like in the future...be pretty sure she likes you in return beforehand, or have it be something a little less intimate than a hug. Like, holding a door open, or helping her carry something.

And to address what you said at the end of the OP, I would never word it as "I wish I my beauty would stop attracting all of these men," firstly because my beauty is nothing to behold and secondly because this has never been much of a problem for me in the first place. I would say, however, that I wish there were clearer rules in this silly game we call love that could prevent misunderstandings like this in the first place. I don't feel like anybody's to blame, however I still would like it to not happen again in the future.

 

[Esotera]

Yeah, I'd have to agree. I haven't had any majorly creepy experiences of being hit on, but all my female friends seem to have at least one really weird experience that sounds very uncomfortable. (i.e. "Once you go Jewish you never go back")

 

[SciMal]

But if you are a guy and you hope to do something like this to a lady you like in the future...be pretty sure she likes you in return beforehand, or have it be something a little less intimate than a hug. Like, holding a door open, or helping her carry something.

Holding doors open and offering help with heavy items is NOT a come-on, that's common courtesy. I would be utterly mortified if I found out a woman considered me holding a door open for her the equivalent of an invitation to coffee. That's horrible advice.

As for your situation; yeah, he could have handled it better, but he respected your space. He asked your permission, you said no, and he didn't do anything after that - that nets him respect, because that's exactly how you're supposed to act. That's not stalker-ish territory, particularly when you knew he probably liked you and chose not to address the situation until he acted out.

So what I'm trying to say here is that I think these complaints are not about the given affection, but by feeling somewhat stalked and uneasy.

Now, if this is true, then I can understand. However, then I wish these people would phrase themselves better than "Oh it's so annoying to be this beautiful". Because to most people, it's still insulting.

Thoughts/comments?

You have the benefit of contrasting your current experience with prior experiences, so when you start feel awkward in a situation, you go "Oh - is this what they meant when they said XYZ?" Then you delve a little deeper. People who don't have that benefit may not be able to conceive of the differences, or if they are cognizant that there's a more accurate way, perhaps believe it would take too long to explain and settle for "I wish people would stop hitting on me constantly" instead of "While I realize that the culture at large considers the ability to garner attention a good thing, I wish people would stop acting out on their urges to invade my privacy and think they're paying me a favor by doing so."

 

[Lilani]

But if you are a guy and you hope to do something like this to a lady you like in the future...be pretty sure she likes you in return beforehand, or have it be something a little less intimate than a hug. Like, holding a door open, or helping her carry something.

Holding doors open and offering help with heavy items is NOT a come-on, that's common courtesy. I would be utterly mortified if I found out a woman considered me holding a door open for her the equivalent of an invitation to coffee. That's horrible advice.

Well yeah, but there are "flirty" ways you can go about it, I feel like. Jazz it up a bit beyond a small courtesy to show a bit of affection. And if nothing else it could be used as a conversation-starter to get you going down that road.

As for your situation; yeah, he could have handled it better, but he respected your space. He asked your permission, you said no, and he didn't do anything after that - that nets him respect, because that's exactly how you're supposed to act. That's not stalker-ish territory, particularly when you knew he probably liked you and chose not to address the situation until he acted out.

I admit I was probably overreacting and he didn't really do anything wrong, and again I don't really "blame" him for what happened. It happened. It was awkward, and I hope it doesn't happen again, but it happened. That's all I'm saying here--unwanted romantic attention happens, it's awkward when it happens, and not liking that awkwardness isn't something that should be illegitimate to complain about.

 

[Realitycrash]

People who don't have that benefit may not be able to conceive of the differences, or if they are cognizant that there's a more accurate way, perhaps believe it would take too long to explain and settle for "I wish people would stop hitting on me constantly" instead of "While I realize that the culture at large considers the ability to garner attention a good thing, I wish people would stop acting out on their urges to invade my privacy and think they're paying me a favor by doing so."

Perhaps they feel it is too long, but sometimes, some clarity goes a long way. Afterall, it would avoid people rolling their eyes at them and considering them a bit stuck-up.
I do get your point, though. My post was more aimed at people who are on the receiving end of this, and why they should understand what the person is actually saying.
Afterall, if women felt safe and in control all the time, despite the unwanted attention they got, I doubt this would be much of an issue.
Just as it isn't for me.

 

[Total LOLige]

I get hit on once in a blue moon and it always feels like they're taking the piss, so I can't say I've experienced this. I can definitely see how it could feel like you're being stalked.

 

[SciMal]

Well yeah, but there are "flirty" ways you can go about it, I feel like. Jazz it up a bit beyond a small courtesy to show a bit of affection. And if nothing else it could be used as a conversation-starter to get you going down that road.

No. It is not flirty unless you're already in a relationship and have a mutual understanding. It is a common courtesy and should not ever be considered some Cosmopolitan-esque "saying something without saying anything" crap.

A better conversation starter is "Hi, my name is _____ and I was looking for a handsome/pretty man/woman to have coffee/dinner with soon, do you know any?"

I admit I was probably overreacting and he didn't really do anything wrong, and again I don't really "blame" him for what happened. It happened. It was awkward, and I hope it doesn't happen again, but it happened. That's all I'm saying here--unwanted romantic attention happens, it's awkward when it happens, and not liking that awkwardness isn't something that should be illegitimate to complain about.

That's fine, I'd just dislike someone foisting their responsibility (or lack of it) where it doesn't belong. Unwanted romantic advances are always a little awkward, but part of being an adult is being able to have conversations about awkward topics.

 

[Lilani]

Well yeah, but there are "flirty" ways you can go about it, I feel like. Jazz it up a bit beyond a small courtesy to show a bit of affection. And if nothing else it could be used as a conversation-starter to get you going down that road.

No. It is not flirty unless you're already in a relationship and have a mutual understanding. It is a common courtesy and should not ever be considered some Cosmopolitan-esque "saying something without saying anything" crap.

A better conversation starter is "Hi, my name is _____ and I was looking for a handsome/pretty man/woman to have coffee/dinner with soon, do you know any?"

I said there are flirty ways you can go about it. Of course the act on its own isn't flirting, but depending on how you make conversation and eye contact you can turn it into a bit of "a moment." Of course it's not on par with being direct, but it can be a good way to test the waters. It depends on the context though of course, how well you already know each other and what you're doing at the moment.

 

[aba1]

But if you are a guy and you hope to do something like this to a lady you like in the future...be pretty sure she likes you in return beforehand, or have it be something a little less intimate than a hug. Like, holding a door open, or helping her carry something.

Holding doors open and offering help with heavy items is NOT a come-on, that's common courtesy. I would be utterly mortified if I found out a woman considered me holding a door open for her the equivalent of an invitation to coffee. That's horrible advice.

Well yeah, but there are "flirty" ways you can go about it, I feel like. Jazz it up a bit beyond a small courtesy to show a bit of affection. And if nothing else it could be used as a conversation-starter to get you going down that road.

As for your situation; yeah, he could have handled it better, but he respected your space. He asked your permission, you said no, and he didn't do anything after that - that nets him respect, because that's exactly how you're supposed to act. That's not stalker-ish territory, particularly when you knew he probably liked you and chose not to address the situation until he acted out.

I admit I was probably overreacting and he didn't really do anything wrong, and again I don't really "blame" him for what happened. It happened. It was awkward, and I hope it doesn't happen again, but it happened. That's all I'm saying here--unwanted romantic attention happens, it's awkward when it happens, and not liking that awkwardness isn't something that should be illegitimate to complain about.

I agree with the guy above if holding the door and helping girls out is a pretense to being interested I am a very very very terrible boyfriend cause I help out peeps all the time. I get what you are trying to say though I mean being nice and getting in good is a great way to show you actually give a crap but it definitely doesn't mean you care romantically in any sort of way.

Also something to keep in mind if I have learned anything it is that things are only as awkward as you make them. If you feel awkward have a laugh take it easy if you make light then it will be light.

 

[Kae]

Yeah that's kind off what I mean when I complain about it, but I'm not a girl -_-
I don't really get hit on that often but the thing is that it really scares me, so when it happens it's really awkward, specially when they start touching, that's awfully creepy, but anyway, yeah that's pretty much the reason why most people that complain about it do so, I'm pretty sure there are some people that do for other reasons, but that's probably the main one.

 

[Hollyday]

So what I'm trying to say here is that I think these complaints are not about the given affection, but by feeling somewhat stalked and uneasy.
Now, if this is true, then I can understand. However, then I wish these people would phrase themselves better than "Oh it's so annoying to be this beautiful". Because to most people, it's still insulting.


Thoughts/comments?

It's interesting that you've experienced this from both sides and now perhaps see where people are coming from with their complaints.

It's a phenomena I've experienced a lot, towards me and my friends. I'm an EXTREMELY PLAIN looking person, and I'll happily go out at the weekend in jeans and a T-shirt with absolutely no make-up, but even I get harassed in pubs and clubs (to the point where I've been to the police station on a night out because two guys in their 40s/50s followed us around for hours). Through Uni I can't count how many times we got extremely pushy, creepy attention and me and my friends hid in the ladies loos till we thought it was safe to come out again. In the second year we almost exclusively went to gay bars to avoid this issue (it sounds like an exaggeration, but my flatmate was extremely pretty and I've never seen anyone have so many negative, upsetting experiences on nights out as she did. One of the reasons why I think being particularly attractive is more of a curse than a blessing).

The idea that complaints of 'I hate all the attention I get' are offensive and insensitive is a fair one, and there are many other examples. We've all heard about the friend who complains about trying to gain weight when we want to lose it, the person who complains about their job when we're unemployed. These complaints challenge our belief that the grass is always greener, and for that I think we should hear more of them, not less. Then perhaps we will be less bitter about some of these issues.

 

[Realitycrash]

(it sounds like an exaggeration, but my flatmate was extremely pretty and I've never seen anyone have so many negative, upsetting experiences on nights out as she did. One of the reasons why I think being particularly attractive is more of a curse than a blessing).
.

I'd agree to that, but then we'd talk insane levels of attractive. The levels that only garner two responses: Violent jealousy, or a blatant need to possess.
With such levels, one can have a real hard time having a genuine friend, or working relationship, or a boy/girlfriend, since it will always be tainted by jealousy or hidden agendas.
But these people are very, very few. Most people are simply just "beautiful", and it is far more benefiting than being "plain" or "ugly".

 

[Username Redacted]

Now, we've all experienced someone (usually a girl, but sometimes a guy) go "Oh, damn, it's so annoying that people always hit on me when I go to pubs/parties, I wish they would stop", etc.

Whether it's a male or a female making such a statement I interpret it in one of two ways:

1) Either the person is fishing for something similar from me/dropping a hint that they want me to hit on them

OR

2) They're complaining that the "wrong" people are hitting on them.

In my experience if the person being hit on is experiencing something that crosses over into stalker-ish territory then they're not usually using words like "hit on" they're using words like: creepy, creeped out, etc.

 

[lacktheknack]

But if you are a guy and you hope to do something like this to a lady you like in the future...be pretty sure she likes you in return beforehand, or have it be something a little less intimate than a hug. Like, holding a door open, or helping her carry something.

Holding doors open and offering help with heavy items is NOT a come-on, that's common courtesy. I would be utterly mortified if I found out a woman considered me holding a door open for her the equivalent of an invitation to coffee. That's horrible advice.

There's a difference between what you do for strangers:

<opens door, glances back, holds it open, continues forward when the person behind reaches the doorframe>

...what you do for friends:

<opens door, steps through and to the side, makes eye contact to the other person until they step through>

...and what you do for people you're flirting with:

<opens door, says "After you!", smiles broadly, stand to the side as they step through the door>

Subtleties change everything.

OT: Never really thought about it that way. Huh. I'll remember that in the unlikely event I end up flirting in a club somewhere.

 

[holy_secret]

I met a gay guy who was so extremly ridiculously beautiful it made a real life trope (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/EvenTheGuysWantHim) out of me.

But then he told me how difficult it is to be this beautiful. No one takes him serious, people gush about how pretty he is (believe me, he was absolutely gorgeous) and nothing he ever does will ever amount to his extreme beauty.

Then was also the story of how he couldn't do couchsurfing (just google it) because guys and girls would send messages to him just to hit on him. There was also a time when he was almost raped when staying at a couchsurfer's place because he went out for drinks and came home, fell asleep and woke up with the couchsurfer stroking him in all the inappropriate places.

So yeah, I can imagine how difficult it must be to be pretty.
He's a smart and really nice guy but I will never be able to get passed the fact that I've spoken to the most beautiful man on this planet.

Point (TL;DR: Attention isn't all it's cracked up to be.

 

[Yopaz]

I'm not attractive enough to be hit on a lot, but I find it very uncomfortable to be honest. I don't know how to react and I find it hard to reply or to think of what lies behind. Usually I will just assume someone is trying to pull a prank because I don't have the ego to think someone is actually interested. The worst is when I am at the gym however because that is one of those places where I feel confident and uncaring of what people think of me. When I discover someone staring at me to a degree where it gets creepy all of my confidence disappears.

The irony is that I like flirting quite a bit, I just don't like it when someone flirts back. This realization actually made me stop though.

 

[SciMal]

There's a difference between what you do for strangers:

<opens door, glances back, holds it open, continues forward when the person behind reaches the doorframe>

...what you do for friends:

<opens door, steps through and to the side, makes eye contact to the other person until they step through>

...and what you do for people you're flirting with:

<opens door, says "After you!", smiles broadly, stand to the side as they step through the door>

Subtleties change everything.

OT: Never really thought about it that way. Huh. I'll remember that in the unlikely event I end up flirting in a club somewhere.

But just because you do the last one doesn't mean you are flirting with someone, or want to flirt with someone - which was the implication.

I do the last one all the time for people I don't know, and no one has thought anything more about it. It's not a tactic anymore than being a polite person is a tactic to flirt with or pre-empt flirting.

People miss subtleties all the time, subtleties are ambiguous, and unless there's cause to look for subtleties people aren't going to do it. Suggesting that the difference between being "polite" and being "flirty" is "After you!" paired with a smile baffles me. Both are polite, but because you're interested in the person for the second case (and have hopefully alerted them to that), she's/he's paying extra attention to your politeness.

 

[Moonlight Butterfly]

snip

This one time a guy I wasn't attracted to tried to hug me during a thunderstorm and I screamed in his face. I feel that you handled the situation much much better than I

On the other hand something that pisses me off is women who act like they are all self concious and stuff but post 50 pictures of themselves on facebook every day. It just feels like they are show offs to me since if anyone tries to take a picture of me I will claw and beat my way out of that situation if I have too.

I was incredulous when a male friend was like 'Well they are self concious too they just want people to say they are pretty' :| yeah that's exactly what you do when you are self concious post pictures of yourself non stop...

Meh, I guess everything seems different depending on who you are including the OP's reasoning.