If I go there will be trouble. If I stay it will be doubled.

[New Troll]

Should I stay or should I go now?

EDIT: Posting up front that there are two different exes with two different sons. The first is not biologicly mine but the second one due in August is. I realize my ramblings may get unclear and am sorry for any confusion.

My fellow escapees. As some of you might already know, my life is a mess. And right now I'm trying to talk myself out of doing something I don't know wether I should do or not. I think I am going to, but it's frustrating.

The background. Several years ago I met a girl who was with this guy who was no good. I befriended them both, her because she needed a friend and him so I could help him become a real man like she deserved. Didn't help. He remained the same and she ended up leaving him and running to the only place she could, me. Only real issue was she was pregnant with his child. I helped support her and shelter her and remained the best friend to her I could and next thing I know, we're together.

Skip several months. I've know moved the two of us to her home state to have the child near her family. I'm being the best father to the child I can, comforting him and singing to him and telling him stories while he's still in the womb. I am that child's father. We have our son and I'm the first person to look into his bright blue eyes. The first to hold him as I delivered him to his mother to hold. Greatest day of my life. I spend as much time with him as I can before having to go back to work. I also try and always have my door open to the biological father even though my fiance would prefer not to. But he only ever shows up a handful of times to see his son and never for longer than an hour or so.

Skip a few months. The mother to my son has stopped talking to me and is always depressed no matter what I do to try and help. She just doesn't even acknowledge it. Finally one morning as I'm leaving for work she tells me she's just not happy and is moving out. Come to find out she'd been in open communication with her ex-husband every day while I was at work and that is where she had moved to. So now I'm stranded in a strange place with no friends, no love, and worse of all, no son. I broke to say the lease.

After saving up for a few months I come back to my home state to be among friends and family and every day I bless them for helping me make it through that time in my life. I will always love my son and miss him terribly, but at least I'm still alive.

Skip a few months. I meet someone new. She lives a few hours away, but our talks on-line and over the phone are incredible. She seems very intelligent and is very artistic and we get along great. I spend my weekends off at her place and we talk constantly about starting a family together and getting married and me moving in with her, which I did end up moving most everything I own there. Then one weekend as I'm getting ready to head her way she calls me up and says we need to spend some time apart. I call her back to make sure everything is okay and that's when she lets me know it is over. Tring to get some reasoning, she tells me she could never love me as much as her ex whom is divorcing the woman he cheated on her with so she might have a shot at getting back together with him. Oh boy.

I try to at least remain friends, for like I said, we got along so great and our conversations were always really good, even when debateful we both felt connected. Or at least I did. She says she does want to remain friends, but she doesn't want to have anything to do with me. Every time we plan on me heading up to see her, even if mainly to get my stuff back, she would always postpone at the last second. I felt as if I was getting the cold shoulder, but since we weren't dating anymore, I didn't let it get to me.

But then she found out she was pregnant. She gets ahold of me and makes it sound like she didn't really mean to break up with me, but by this point I had taken her cold shoulder to heart and was talking to someone new. I let her know I had moved on. She cussed me out, called my new girlfriend some really nasty things even though she doesn't even know her, and basicly started treating me like shit. I half expected this, but I did want to remain friends for I did still love her. But she dumped me. I'm not crawling back to her just to be dumped again. How could I ever trust her again?

So, it's been over six months now. All this time I've tried to keep open communication with her, letting her know everything I'm doing and offering to help her out every way I can. She refuses all my help and refuses to have anything to do with me, generally not even bothering to respond to any of my messages. When she does talk to me, it's to tell me how bad of a person I am and how miserable she is and how I'm not doing anything to help her. But then when I do offer help she again refuses. Basicly I can't figure her out anymore.

Well a few days ago I got spammed with messages from her. First at how miserable she is, then about how bad of a person I am, and then about how I'm not doing anything to help her out. She even mentions losing the child and if she does have the child, not giving him my name. I'm not as concerned about my son's name as I am about my son living. Though if he did miscarry, that would mean I wouldn't have to deal with her anymore, it kills me to think such a thing. He is my son!

And to finish off our little discussion, she mentions something new. Seems she's befriended someone I know. My son's biological father. The same man who abused my friendship, borrowing hundreds of dollars and hundreds of dollars worth of stuff and then not paying a dime to help out his son, only buying him one little onsie the whole year he's been alive. Seems he has been telling my ex "the truth" about me. God only knows what lies he's come up with. If they're anything like the lies he told his family or the completely different lies he's told everyone we both know, then they could be pretty bad. But what I find so very hard to believe is that she would believe anything he said after all the time we spent together. How could she possibly not know me? The true me. Mind-boggling.

Anyhow, so tomorrow I'm planning on headin up her way and confronting her face to face. Possibly getting some of my stuff back from her. Possibly talking some sense into her. Possibly realizing it's all just so futile with her and giving up on my son. God I hope not. Just don't know what else to do. I've been driving around with her and her daughter's Christmas gifts in my vehicle for over six months now. I've still get her birthday gift from even before then. I've got all the money I've kept aside to pay her doctor bills if she ever would have gone. All these things seem so petty to me though. But maybe that's all she really wants.

Fear and loathing... dazed and confused... what's a boy suppose to do?

 

[Inco]

Man, my jaw dropped at that. Quite literally. Just do what you think is right, cause a situation that messed up doesn't have an obvious path.

 

[megapenguinx]

My advice is: Leave her, leave them all. Start over fresh in a new place and just ignore her. If the kid is the only reason she wanted to be with you, then it would just be a miserable existence.

 

[New Troll]

My advice is: Leave her, leave them all. Start over fresh in a new place and just ignore her. If the kid is the only reason she wanted to be with you, then it would just be a miserable existence.

Oh I'm not with her and never will be. But I do want to be a father to my child. I believe every child has a right to know his father, even if he's a slimeball, and every father has a right to be one to his child if he's willing. That's why I tried so hard to form a relationship between my son and his biological father.

But as for the starting over fresh in a new place... I think about that constantly. I have several places I could easily go and am not afraid to go somewhere new. Actually kind of like that idea, as long as I have a stable job there waiting for me. Or something even better waiting for me.

 

[RebelRising]

Man, you must have the patience of a saint not to be a misogynist at this point. But at least the men you describe are pretty lame too.

Just bail out. Leave them all behind, and start anew. Just keep focused on what's best for you, and don't worry about that soap-opera disaster you just related to us.

As for the child...I'm not really the best person to ask, seeing as how I'm not a kid person, but I would still maintain that you just sever ties to both women and all the baggage that comes with them.

 

[manaman]

My advice is: Leave her, leave them all. Start over fresh in a new place and just ignore her. If the kid is the only reason she wanted to be with you, then it would just be a miserable existence.

Oh I'm not with her and never will be. But I do want to be a father to my child. I believe every child has a right to know his father, even if he's a slimeball, and every father has a right to be one to his child if he's willing. That's why I tried so hard to form a relationship between my son and his biological father.

But as for the starting over fresh in a new place... I think about that constantly. I have several places I could easily go and am not afraid to go somewhere new. Actually kind of like that idea, as long as I have a stable job there waiting for me. Or something even better waiting for me.

You can and have every right to be a father to this child. You should be the best father you can as well. That does not mean you have to sacrifice your life to do it. After all how great a father can you be if you are miserable all day, every day? You have to make sure you are as happy as you can be and make as much time for the kid as possible.

I have said it over and over again a child is not a reason to stay together, it is a reason to say in touch.

 

[DrDeath3191]

My advice is: Leave her, leave them all. Start over fresh in a new place and just ignore her. If the kid is the only reason she wanted to be with you, then it would just be a miserable existence.

Oh I'm not with her and never will be. But I do want to be a father to my child. I believe every child has a right to know his father, even if he's a slimeball, and every father has a right to be one to his child if he's willing. That's why I tried so hard to form a relationship between my son and his biological father.

But as for the starting over fresh in a new place... I think about that constantly. I have several places I could easily go and am not afraid to go somewhere new. Actually kind of like that idea, as long as I have a stable job there waiting for me. Or something even better waiting for me.

It doesn't seem that the mother would be willing to let you have the relationship with your son. She evidently thinks you as evil incarnate, and will probably pass that opinion into your child. I'm sorry, but leaving seems to be the best option. You can't win.

 

[MrSnugglesworth]

See, this is why I don't care about people. You get into crazy shit. Anyway, I don't see why you haven't found the simple way out. Cut off all connection to her. Change your phone number, your email, your house if you want to and finally, change yourself. Your obviously to caring to notice that ITS NOT YOUR SON. Now I understand why you love him but really, just let it go. Either do that, or you are the GREATEST troll ever.

 

[LaughingTarget]

Rough situation and this is just an opinion from some random guy on a message board you never saw before. There is no black and white here and, while it sounds like a cop out, I can't give solid advice because it doesn't exist when it comes to patching things up with the ex on any level to generate a cordial custody arrangement. But I can offer some warnings. The biggest one is the mother will likely turn the child against you, though not necessarily on purpose. She will be the primary source of attention for the child, especially as our legal system tends to side with the female in any situations of care, the father is just viewed as a bank account. Her attitude toward you will have an impact on the child and he runs the risk of viewing you as a villain.

My best advice is to keep constant communication with your ex and do everything you can to secure visits with your son, preferably without her being there. Weekends, alternate weeks, anything. Face time is the best. Always keep a cool head, never accuse and tiptoe around the tulips with everything you say, she sounds like an emotionally broken person and even the slightest slip can create an avalanche.

If all else fails, you may need to get the court system involved. Her history gives you a good chance of attaining primary custody. The ultimate goal is the kid and what is good for him. If dragging you ex into a courtroom is what it takes, then go for it, his upbringing through the formative years are critical, don't hold back with what is necessary. This is the nuclear option, last resort sort of thing.

 

[darkless]

Holy freaking shit! I think I would have hugged the nearest fast moving train after that, you have balls of steel man, go do whatever you think is right, talking sense into the ex is probably the best way to go even if the only out come is getting your stuff back.

 

[InvisibleMilk]

Holy freaking shit! I think I would have hugged the nearest fast moving train after that, you have balls of steel man.

That about sums it up.
Your capacity of patience marvels me. If it truly is only about the kid, then leave them. If she is only willing to be with you for that kid, go.

 

[Kinguendo]

Okay so... there are 2 children, that you think of as yours now... and neither are yours biologically? Is that right?

 

[New Troll]

It doesn't seem that the mother would be willing to let you have the relationship with your son. She evidently thinks you as evil incarnate, and will probably pass that opinion into your child. I'm sorry, but leaving seems to be the best option. You can't win.

Yeah, I do agree. I'm so confused at why she's nehaving this way, and to think my child could also think samely is saddening. I know I'm a good person. I know I would be an excellent father. Even my ex who's son I was a father to if only briefly has stated so on many of occasions. And after having that son taken away from me, it's hard letting go of another, even under such circumstances.

See, this is why I don't care about people. You get into crazy shit. Anyway, I don't see why you haven't found the simple way out. Cut off all connection to her. Change your phone number, your email, your house if you want to and finally, change yourself. Your obviously to caring to notice that ITS NOT YOUR SON. Now I understand why you love him but really, just let it go. Either do that, or you are the GREATEST troll ever.

Pretty sure it is my son though. Quite frankly, I feel as though I have two sons now, even though I know I will unfortunately never be a father to my first son ever again.

My best advice is to keep constant communication with your ex and do everything you can to secure visits with your son, preferably without her being there. Weekends, alternate weeks, anything. Face time is the best. Always keep a cool head, never accuse and tiptoe around the tulips with everything you say, she sounds like an emotionally broken person and even the slightest slip can create an avalanche.

This is more or less what I've been doing/ trying. Though I'm not really one for holding anything back when it comes to the truth. But I do try and keep my verbal acknowledgements of my feelings civil. In other words, I don't call her all those things I'd like to.

If all else fails, you may need to get the court system involved. Her history gives you a good chance of attaining primary custody. The ultimate goal is the kid and what is good for him. If dragging you ex into a courtroom is what it takes, then go for it, his upbringing through the formative years are critical, don't hold back with what is necessary. This is the nuclear option, last resort sort of thing.

And I have thought about this a lot also, plus my friends keep bringing it up. But I seriously doubt any court would take a child away from the mother just because she's mistreating the father. I don't really think she's a bad mother either. And even though I know I could better provide for the child and would probably even be a better parent to the child, that's generally not enough to a court's eyes. Might come to this though. Though I really hope not.

 

[MrSnugglesworth]

See, this is why I don't care about people. You get into crazy shit. Anyway, I don't see why you haven't found the simple way out. Cut off all connection to her. Change your phone number, your email, your house if you want to and finally, change yourself. Your obviously to caring to notice that ITS NOT YOUR SON. Now I understand why you love him but really, just let it go. Either do that, or you are the GREATEST troll ever.

Pretty sure it is my son though. Quite frankly, I feel as though I have two sons now, even though I know I will unfortunately never be a father to my first son ever again.

I guess I missed something. So you have a biological son and you have that other one. Alright. So that changes my answer.


Hire someone to kill her.

 

[New Troll]

Okay so... there are 2 children, that you think of as yours now... and neither are yours biologically? Is that right?

Oh no. I see how that is misleading now, but my second son is biologicly mine. As far as I know anyways. The estimated time of conception was our last weekend together.

 

[Syntax Error]

Write a book about this. Turn it into a best seller. Gloat. That's all.

EDIT: said book must be fiction.

EDIT2: Leave it all behind and start with a clean slate. It's times like these we all wish for a reset button.

 

[New Troll]

Write a book about this. Turn it into a best seller. Gloat. That's all.

Haha! Funniest part about this statement is I have thought the exact same thing. I do love to write and have several books started that will probably never reach conclusion, but with something so personal, I think I could more easily script through it in no time. Hmmm... choices.. choices..

 

[Sergeant M. Fudgey]

Leave her, how could she do that after all you've done for her?

 

[Syntax Error]

Write a book about this. Turn it into a best seller. Gloat. That's all.

Haha! Funniest part about this statement is I have thought the exact same thing. I do love to write and have several books started that will probably never reach conclusion, but with something so personal, I think I could more easily script through it in no time. Hmmm... choices.. choices..

Tvtropes is your friend, my friend. [http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/HomePage] Make sure to include as many Take That [http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TakeThat]s as much as possible, but be ever so subtle.

 

[Macgyvercas]

whoa...this whole situation got pretty fucked up around the fourth paragraph...I can't wrap my head around this one

As they say in the military: FUBAR