Is it wrong to tell a girl, who is in a relationship, that you like her?

[Johnny Reb]

Okay so here's the situation. i've been friends with this girl for over a year. We met in our trigonometry class and our friendship was founded off of a mutual struggle with the subject as well as a love of all things geek. I eventually asked her to come play D&D with my group and we've only grown closer since. I really like her and think that we would make a great couple. But she is in a happy relationship with someone already.

About a year ago a rumour started in my school that i was exclusively homosexual, which i am not, and we never talked about it so i figure she still thinks that. I know that she has at least thought about us dating because she confided in a mutual friend of ours that if i weren't gay and not dating her current boyfriend, then she would totally go out with me.

Also, we both graduated from high school last month and are winding up to go to college. I'm going to a university upstate and she's staying in our hometown to go to the shit community college so that she can stay with her boyfreind, who is a junior. I know she got accepted to my university but she chooses not to go.

So do you guys think should I be selfish and tell her that i like her and want her to come to the university with me, or keep this one to myself? Any advice at all is appreciated. Thank you.

 

[Lilani]

I think it is a very awkward thing to do, for you and her. I don't know if you have any intentions of staying friends with her but it'll definitely alter whatever friendship you have with her, and probably guarantee she wants to avoid you from that point on. I know you feel cheated by what happened to you and all, but I'm afraid she's made a decision and it's not your right to just go up and question her on that decision. Regardless of the circumstances, it is always a selfish and degrading (that is, degrading to her) thing to ask someone who you know is in a relationship out. If she breaks up with him I suppose that's your chance, but I wouldn't wait around for that.

Just move on. High school is so tiny, when you start university you will see that. And you'll find plenty of other nice girls as well. Just don't be that jerk who can't handle the one he sees as his girl with somebody else. And anyway, choosing what school you go to based on your current relationship isn't a very smart decision, so it might be for the best.

 

[manic_depressive13]

As long as you accept the very likely possibility that it will irrevocably change and possibly end your friendship with her. But I don't think being honest to someone about your feelings towards them is wrong.

 

[Aramis Night]

You should admit to her that you are no longer seeing her BF.

Of course that simply trades one circumstance that keeps you out of the running for another. The point is that while you may not be gay, she still has the BF. Either way you are disqualified. The world is full of women. Rather than behave like a vulture, perhaps you should seek out other options.

 

[Eamar]

I think it's a dick move, especially considering you admit that her relationship is happy and she's making sacrifices to stay with him. By telling her you like her you'd basically be saying, "hey, I know you've made all these decisions and all but I actually know what's best for you better than you do. Also your judgement sucks". I know you may not have thought about it that way, but that's the truth when you get down to it.

If she wanted to be with anyone other than her boyfriend (you or anyone else), she would have left him already. Sorry.

So... if you want to tell her as some sort of getting it off your chest thing before you leave town, I guess you could, but don't expect it to go anywhere, and don't expect her to feel comfortable remaining friends with you.

 

[Smooth Operator]

Well I won't call it right/wrong just do consider both sides of the table. For you it's all a positive if things go through but for your friend you expect to:
- leave the partner who she is happy with
- get over him
- while also trying to make a relationship work with you
- change her life goals from one guy to the next(changing universities and so on)
- not to mention risk the friendship in the process
That right there is a whole lot of expectation to put on another person, and I can tell you unless she is already 99% of the way to doing all those things this shit will end real badly. As you can probably tell by first reactions in the posts above most would end up resenting you for this.

I understand how you feel and I understand you feel the urge to get this off your chest, but as a guy who did profess his love numerous times let me tell you doing that with your friends is the worst possible idea, and doing it with so many things attached is beyond crazy. My advice is you confess your feels to a friend that can be a supporting hand and then move on, universities come with a lot of new people and new relationships that would most likely drown out this one in either case, so don't start believing life is coming to an end with this debacle.

 

[Rip Van Rabbit]

She is in a committed and happy relationship. I personally don't believe that a good friend would interfere with something like that for their own benefit in the first place. So yes, I think it is a very selfish notion.

You would be putting your friend in a very difficult position and you might not like the results of the act when she is backed into that kind of corner. I think it's important to ask yourself: What do you value more, the friendship or the potential for a relationship?

By admitting your feelings, the nature of your friendship will very likely change. You would also be asking her to sacrifice many aspects of her life which are currently established and familiar: A boyfriend, a happy relationship, her future place of study. By extension, wanting her to be with you is a massive leap of faith at this point...especially if you don't have a romantic history or any form of romantic foundation.

Putting this kind of emotional burden on her is not fair. Rather retain a friendship and set out on meeting other people.

University will present you with numerous opportunities to meet other people.

 

[Mr.Cynic88]

I'd let her know you're interested. Girls tend to jump from one relationship to the next, and you're in the position to be the next.

 

[leberkaese]

As a friend you shouldn't be so selfish and rather focus on telling her, not to throw her future away. I don't know, if U.S. community colleges are really that bad as depicted in media, but choosing your education based on your relationship isn't the best idea... Especially if you trade a spot in an university with a normal community college.

On the other hand, that's maybe a sign that the relationship with her current boyfriend is really important to her, so telling her wouldn't have a great effect, I guess...

 

[Majinash]

By telling her you like her you'd basically be saying, "hey, I know you've made all these decisions and all but I actually know what's best for you better than you do. Also your judgement sucks". I know you may not have thought about it that way, but that's the truth when you get down to it.

Woah now, thats pretty harsh. Why isn't it "I know you've made all these decisions, but I don't think you have all the information right now"?


OT: I personally wouldn't tell her. But it is a foggy issue you've described because there are obviously feelings on both sides. Something to keep in mind is, people staying together with their high school sweetheart is pretty rare. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but most relationships at that part of your life are learning relationships.

With that in mind, choosing your school based on who you are going out with in high school isn't normally a great idea. So maybe this girl is making a mistake with her choice... but life is full of mistakes, and she is free to make them.


The best advice I can think of is to keep in mind, deep down, your reasons for doing this. It is easy to say you want to tell her because she is making a mistake, but you have to be really honest with yourself that it isn't for more selfish reasons, like fear of losing someone you care about.

 

[Eamar]

By telling her you like her you'd basically be saying, "hey, I know you've made all these decisions and all but I actually know what's best for you better than you do. Also your judgement sucks". I know you may not have thought about it that way, but that's the truth when you get down to it.

Woah now, thats pretty harsh. Why isn't it "I know you've made all these decisions, but I don't think you have all the information right now"?

Nope, not really. As I already said in my post, if she wanted to be with the OP or anyone else, she wouldn't be in a happy, committed relationship with her boyfriend to the extent that she's changed her education plans to stay with him. Thinking she'd change all that if she knew the OP was into her is wishful thinking of the highest order, and doesn't show much respect for her judgement.

 

[Majinash]

Nope, not really. As I already said in my post, if she wanted to be with the OP or anyone else, she wouldn't be in a happy, committed relationship with her boyfriend to the extent that she's changed her education plans to stay with him. Thinking she'd change all that if she knew the OP was into her is wishful thinking of the highest order, and doesn't show much respect for her judgement.

I don't think relationships are as simple as your post makes them out to be. I don't believe you can say without a doubt that just because someone is in a relationship, that is exactly where they want to be in life. If things worked that way I don't think infidelity or divorce would be so prevalent today.

I also think it is unfair to say that just because you disagree with someone's choice it means you aren't respecting their judgment. I disagree with things my friends and family do all the time, and I often speak up about it to them, often changing their minds due to the outside insight. I still respect the judgment of those close to me, but what kind of friend would I be if I didn't speak up when I thought it was prudent?

 

[Eamar]

I don't think relationships are as simple as your post makes them out to be. I don't believe you can say without a doubt that just because someone is in a relationship, that is exactly where they want to be in life.

Of course relationships aren't that simple, and I never claimed anything "without a doubt". In general terms, however, which is all one can use without more detailed knowledge of the situation at hand, what I said holds up. The OP asked the general question "is it wrong to tell a girl who is in a relationship that you like her?", and generally speaking, yes, yes it is. In fact, it's a pretty big social faux pas. People in relationships are "off the market", and expressing an interest in someone who's "taken" is, no matter how well-intentioned or naive, an attempt to compromise their existing relationship. In most situations, that's something that's frowned upon.

I disagree with things my friends and family do all the time, and I often speak up about it to them, often changing their minds due to the outside insight. I still respect the judgment of those close to me, but what kind of friend would I be if I didn't speak up when I thought it was prudent?

Yes, but this isn't a case of speaking up because you think it's prudent or because you have an unbiased outside insight, it's speaking up because you have a vested interest in her ditching her current partner. I've tried to imply throughout this post that there absolutely are situations in which people are making a mistake by sticking with a partner, so please don't think I disagree with you there. However, someone whose romantic hopes hinge on the assumption that such a mistake is being made is not someone in a position to make that judgement accurately.

Look, I get it. I really do. I've had massive crushes on people (plural!) who were already in relationships over the years. I've felt I'd be a better option for them than the partners they'd actually chosen, because of course that's what everyone in that position thinks. I've even, on one occasion, gone ahead and told the person I liked them. None of that changes the fact that it's a shitty thing to do 99% of the time.

 

[Majinash]

Yes, but this isn't a case of speaking up because you think it's prudent or because you have an unbiased outside insight, it's speaking up because you have a vested interest in her ditching her current partner. I've tried to imply throughout this post that there absolutely are situations in which people are making a mistake by sticking with a partner, so please don't think I disagree with you there. However, someone whose romantic hopes hinge on the assumption that such a mistake is being made is not someone in a position to make that judgement accurately.

I think we agree here. My advice was to be really honest with yourself in this situation and see if your reasons for telling someone are purely selfish, or in good faith. I just thought your original comment came off as harsh and judgmental. I'm not disputing your advice, but that first comment about not respecting someone's judgment felt to me, maybe a bit too much.

And while I agree that a lot of the time, it can be a mistake, that will only serve to "get it off your chest" and even if it doesn't change the other person's mind, give them some feeling of regret. I don't think you should say that 99% of the time it is the shitty thing to do. I can only imagine the number of times people don't do this because they think it is hopeless, where maybe it would have changed things for the better.

But you can't see the future, so we can never know how things were didn't do would have turned out.

 

[Vegosiux]

Ehhhhh, that's an iffy situation. But, OP, you set up a false dichotomy.

"So do you guys think should I be selfish and tell her that i like her and want her to come to the university with me, or keep this one to myself?"

You can also tell her you like her, but respect her decision and don't try to hook up with her.

 

[Terminal Blue]

Telling someone you like them when they're in a relationship is very hard to do without just coming across as a complete dick, because it actually is kind of a dickish thing to do. Unless this person has actually shown interest to you, not just talked hypotheticals with friends, the chances are it's just going to make the person feel uncomfortable because they now feel the pressure not to hurt your feelings (and yet they kind of have to, so you get your feelings hurt anyway).

However, the idea of tailoring one's higher education around one's high school boyfriend is.. jeez.. let's just say ask pretty much anyone over the age of 20 or so and they'll tell you it's a really bad idea. There's a reason you can't say, and a reason you can. The one you can't tell her, because it will be incredibly hurtful, is that everyone changes so, so much after high school. There is absolutely no guarantee that she will even want to be with him in a few years, just as there's no guarantee that if some magic happens and it does all work out you'll still want to be with her in a few years.

However, what you can say is that unless she stands to inherit a fortune, you only really get once chance at education, and if you make the wrong choice you will regret it. Strong relationships, relationships which are worth it, can survive a few years over Skype and long distance coach travel but education ends, and once it ends you never get to go back and fix the stuff you did wrong. Sabotaging yourself for the sake of a relationship is not a sign of a strong or healthy relationship, but it's no big deal.. we all forget that sometimes.

Still, at the end of the day, you have to step back and respect the choices she wants to make. It's her life, but you can certainly tell her she's making a bad choice. That isn't selfish if you do it right.

As for you and your feelings. Why would you tell her? You already know what the answer is. She hasn't seriously contemplated it enough to actually signal anything to you directly, and that kind of says everything you need to know. I'm a bit confused why you think she might think you're gay though. That's the kind of thing you really can just tell people up front or drop into conversation. At this point, if it's awkward to hear, it's probably because you've let the assumption carry on for so long without challenging it earlier.

Still, congratulations on graduation. It's a scary time, and maybe you feel like a chapter of your life is closing, but that just means a new chapter is about to start and that's a good thing, whatever happens.

 

[Aramis Night]

Another thing to keep in mind. If she is the kind of girl who will jump from one committed relationship to another so easily, what do you think will happen when you find yourself in her current boyfriends position? Any girl who would do that, is not a girl that will make you happy. Been there. Done that. Save yourself some grief. Even your best case fantasy scenario will eventually end badly for you. You may get the girl, but you wont keep her. If she is anything like the kind of girl you would want to be with, she would be the kind who would stay with her boyfriend until he did something stupid to lose her on his own. Your telling her how you feel would not make a difference if she is worth having.

 

[DayDark]

Yes, you definitely should. For better or worse, you'll at least stop being her friend, and with your current feelings, you aren't really ready for a friendship anyways. Maybe you'll be her new bf, although that seems highly unlikely, there's s bigger chance of you becoming a secret lover, if you play your cards right, but that chance is also pretty small given her dedication to her bf.

Edit: oh yeah, and when it comes to love interests, always be selfish.

 

[ultratog1028]

It'll be real awkward. My advice, simply find another girl. Seriously, by staying around her you'll only cause pain for both of you. What do you expect she'll do? Dump her current boyfriend? And do you want a girlfriend who'd just leave you if something better came along? I wouldn't. Find another girl. Why waste your time painting a picture that is already painted? Find yourself a blank canvas.

Seriously getting out is the only thing you can do here. Otherwise YOU are literally "friendzoning" yourself. Still be friends but pursue other people. She's taken. Gone. Off limits.

 

[Brown Cap]

I believe that first, high school relationships are rarely worth holding on to. She will probably learn that the hard way if she is giving up the chance to go to a university just for a guy still in High School.
Second, it is okay that you tell her you like her (assuming that it is necessary for you to get it off your chest).
It is whether or not you ACT on it that you should start considering a moral dilemma. There is nothing ethically wrong with saying to somebody that you have feelings for them, especially if you have been holding back for a while and you need to let it go. As long as you don't expect anything in return... [Really. You can't say I like you, then say please leave this guy and date me]

Lastly, I think the best idea is to let her go. You'll be miles away from each other and your minds will be in several different places. College will be a great place to reestablish who you are and find someone perfect for you. That's exactly what happened to me.
I went into college single (begrudgingly) and in two years, I had two girlfriends. The second, I intend to marry.
So you can do it, but only if you don't expect things to change.