Is Sex a Big Deal?

[Brown Cap]

Hello, Escapists

I am a college junior, and I am a virgin.

Now, to many people in this world, that is not big whoop. To me, I feel like I have been missing out on this grandiose life experience. No, sex isn't elegant or mystic by any means, I know.
Nevertheless, as a near-21 year old man, listening to all of my friends' wild stories and desires to have sex (and having had it), I feel almost left out.

I have a girlfriend. She is 19, and I am older by 16 months. Good relationship. Parents love us, the whole shibang.

She doesn't want to have sex.

The disclaimer here is that in the 14 months we have been dating, I have never pressured her nor asked her to have sex, because she is not comfortable.

What makes her uncomfortable is that, despite being on birth control and the concept of using a condom, she has anxiety and claims that she'd be terrified of being pregnant.
Although I find this ludicrous, I just say "It's okay. We never need to have sex if you don't want to."

But, I want to have sex.
I can't ask my girl for sex - it's her body, her choice, and I am FULLY aware of that - I will never ask this of her under any circumstance.

I just feel like I am missing out. Sex is an incredibly over-glorified and commonplace part of life, but seems to be very out of my grasp.

What I think I am asking, Escapists, is can you help me realize it really isn't that great? That I am not missing out? Because I feel almost less of a person for not having experienced this part of life yet.

 

[Barbas]

The grass is always greener on the other side, as they say. Is it something you can't live without? Mmmno, not really. If it was that great, you wouldn't be able to go fifty feet without seeing an orgy. Think of it like skydiving or quad-biking. It's a thrill and gets better with experience, but it's not nearly as mind-blowingly fantastic as a lot of people make it out to be. Think of how much people big up weed.

It sounds like you two love each other, which is fantastic, because what you have is something far more important than a bit of the ol' jibber-jibber-oink. You've got a really good relationship that's probably going to bring you more emotional satisfaction in the long term than the considerably shorter libido satisfaction that sex will give you. The key to relationship is respect. If your partner has reservations and you love her, then you owe it to her to respect her wishes.

if you don't know what you're missing, then you're not really missing anything at all.

 

[Bellvedere]

Sex might be over glorified. It all depends on yourself and your partner, your attitudes towards sex and what you're looking for. Your pre-conceived notions and your experiences all contribute to your own idea of how big a deal sex is to you.

This sounds stuff you should be talking about with your girlfriend. You owe it to her to be honest about how you feel, rather than telling her things you actually find to be 'ludicrous'. Talking to your partner and asking them about sex isn't the same as pressuring them and certainly not forcing them to have sex. Part of being in a relationship with someone is about trusting them and being able to talk to them about intimate things.

Just FYI there are plenty of awesome ways to have sex without penetration which won't put you at risk of pregnancy at all. Contraception is also pretty damn reliable though, it might also be worth talking to a doctor about any concerns and have a verified medical expert explain the risks and processes - might make it seem less terrifying if you both understand how everything works and give you a greater sense of control over the whole thing.

 

[Smooth Operator]

Food is not a big deal to someone who isn't hungry, but it's hell of a big deal to someone who is. You can probably guess which sides of that coin you two take.

Her pregnancy fears are just as nonsensical as your "it's always ok" response, neither of you wants to really address the issue so you are covering your asses with polite cover stories. I don't expect you two to have the communication thing worked out at this early stage but you do need to improve a great deal before the relationship goes anywhere, issues like these will inevitably come up and if you can't work them out then you are headed straight for a dead end.
As odd as it might sound talking it out will be key to sex in general, because banging nasties with people whom you aren't comfortable with feels really damn awkward and awful, doing it with someone who makes you completely comfortable to do what feels right is amazing on the other hand.
Assuming you have a partner who is physically attracted to you that is, which might turn out to not be your situation. Especially with early relationships people quickly hang onto someone just for the emotional support, to share some good moments with, practically a friend who kinda fills in the same gaps as a partner.

That is why you need to slowly start working these things out, because what she is expecting in your relationship could be vastly different then what you are, you need to have the whole picture and determine if it's something you can fulfil / live with.

 

[DayDark]

At the risk of being vulgar, have to floated the idea of anal? I hear you can't get pregnant from that.

ROFL! Sorry, it's actually sound advice.

OT: I know it's looked down upon to pressure someone into sex, for obvious reasons, but you might want to voice your concern or that you are interested in having it. Maybe she'll change her mind or look into solutions where she will be comfortable with sex. A relationship is about supporting each other.

 

[Aramis Night]

You know what I call a girl that doesn't want to have sex ever? Single.

That is my advice to you. The pregnancy fear is her excuse. She has more control over pregnancy than you do given the multitude of options women have to deal with that. She is just using you and the situation to get everything she wants out of the relationship while feeling no obligation to your needs. That isn't a fair relationship. I'm not saying you should pressure her into sex or give her any ultimatums. You should just get her a cat and leave. Don't waste your time on her further.

 

[manic_depressive13]

Look, sex feels really fucking good. Do you guys do anything sexual at all? If pregnancy is her fear, you guys can still do mutual masturbation, oral sex, and so on, which feels amazing and carries zero risk of pregnancy.

Pressuring anyone to do something they don't want is of course appallingly wrong, but simply asking is not wrong. People in a healthy relationship should be able to talk about their feelings, and about sex. You're not under any obligation to stay in relationship that isn't fulfilling your needs.

 

[WolfThomas]

Look, sex feels really fucking good. Do you guys do anything sexual at all? If pregnancy is her fear, you guys can still do mutual masturbation, oral sex, and so on, which feels amazing and carries zero risk of pregnancy.

This pretty much. If she's not interested in those, the pregnancy thing is an excuse for something else.

But yeah that stuff is often as good if not better than the classic penis-vagina sex.

 

[Doctor Teatime]

She might be asexual, that's always a possibility. Honestly though, just talk to her about it.
Oh, and personally I agree that sex is incredibly over-glorified. If you've got good technique masturbation can be just as good, and sometimes better. If she remains disinterested in sex I would advise you to explore that avenue instead.

 

[Colour Scientist]

Look, sex feels really fucking good. Do you guys do anything sexual at all? If pregnancy is her fear, you guys can still do mutual masturbation, oral sex, and so on, which feels amazing and carries zero risk of pregnancy.

Pressuring anyone to do something they don't want is of course appallingly wrong, but simply asking is not wrong. People in a healthy relationship should be able to talk about their feelings, and about sex. You're not under any obligation to stay in relationship that isn't fulfilling your needs.

Pretty much this.

The two of you need to have a frank conversation about sex and your relationship. Under no circumstances should you pressure her into sex but you should be honest about how you feel and try to get her to be frank with you too. If it turns out that you want to have a sexual relationship and she has no interest, for whatever reason, it might be time to call it a day.

 

[Dizchu]

I'm 22, never had sex, never even had a girlfriend. There are multiple factors for this but I have gradually managed to "get over" it and now the desire to bang someone only creeps up every now and then.

The way I did this though... I'm sure many people will object to. Basically I treat porn and masturbation like I do eating or showering. It satiates an urge/need (like hunger and hygiene) but it has the capability of messing up someone's perceptions of those they find attractive in real life and their perceptions of sexual acts (especially if they have had no experience of them in real life). I'm a level-headed individual and I have a very egalitarian view of people, coupled with a very polite attitude. I don't consider women to be objects or sex to be something I need to gain validation from society. However, someone less compatible with society than I am may accidentally go off the deep end.

If you have sexual urges and don't have access to someone that can satisfy them, do it yourself. I know it sounds lame and pathetic to some but... fuck it, jerking off is great. Also it'll clear your mind and let you enjoy all the non-sexual things with your partner.

 

[f1r2a3n4k5]

Look, sex feels really fucking good. Do you guys do anything sexual at all? If pregnancy is her fear, you guys can still do mutual masturbation, oral sex, and so on, which feels amazing and carries zero risk of pregnancy.

This pretty much. If she's not interested in those, the pregnancy thing is an excuse for something else.

But yeah that stuff is often as good if not better than the classic penis-vagina sex.

Agree on that point. You can certainly be *intimate* without necessarily doing "the" act. In my experience, sex and intimacy overlap somewhat, but not entirely. And you'll tend to find you'll remember moments with intimacy far more fondly than those of pure-sex.

Plus, you'll get to exercise your creativity a bit too.

But always, always, always communicate (respectfully). If you feel like you NEED to have penetrative intercourse, express this thoughts honestly and politely.

If not and you're just looking for more *intimacy,* express that too. If she declines on all acts, inquire further (respectfully).

Finally though, there is a bit of a consideration for libido in long-term relationships. If you are at opposite ends of the spectrum, you may find yourself clashing over it. But again, TALK about it.

 

[Chancie]

First of all, this is all my opinion. So, whatever I say, take it as you will, but this is how I see it all.

Sex isn't a big deal in the big picture, no. As a girl who was a virgin until 21 (almost 23 now), sex was never a big deal, and I never put much pressure on it for myself. I could never do casual sex, and I could never do hook-ups. It was a big deal to lose it, how long it took to lose it wasn't important to me personally. However, what IS a big deal, is sex with someone you care about. Sex isn't nearly as good as sex with someone you care about or love. So, just sex by itself? Eh, take it or leave it personally. It isn't a big deal at all.
So, you're only 20 right now? No biggie. I know people who are still virgins at that age, men and women. I was one too. It isn't that big of a deal. Sex is good, but it isn't such a big deal that it creates worry on you, and it isn't the be-all end-all. You haven't experienced it yet, so you don't fully know what it is you're missing, and that's totally okay.

As for your girlfriend, though, you've been together 14 months. I really feel like you two should have better communication at this point, and I'm not saying it's your fault or hers, but I'm just throwing it out there. Communication is crucial, and without that, a relationship is bound to fall apart.
Now, I'm obviously not in her head, but if she's still worried about pregnancy after the pill and condoms still, I feel like maybe something else might be going on. If you take the pill correctly, you have a less than 1% chance of getting pregnant. If you throw a condom on top of that, your odds are near impossible. I'm not sure what else she could be worried about, but there are a number of things. Losing her virginity (if she's also a virgin), STDs, the pain, the possible feeling of obligation to always have sex after, etc. Maybe she wants to wait until marriage. Maybe she is scared of a lot of things. A LOT goes into sex for a woman that a man might never even consider. Or, maybe, she's just really scared about the pregnancy after all.
However, I do feel like there's something else or some other reason, and maybe she isn't telling you all of it. I really think you should sit her down and talk about it all (gently and respectfully), the relationship, your future together, etc. Again, sex isn't a big deal, but it's still important in a relationship, I think. I worry that your curiosity and her lack of interest might lead to problems far down the road, but who knows. Again, I don't know you.

But if you two love each other, and you two are planning for a future together, sex isn't going to be the thing to end you. She might come around with time and reassurance. The worst thing you can do is pressure her! In my mind, that would make me question how much I could trust the guy and if my body means more to him than the rest of me. There is a LOT to consider, especially if she's a virgin too. Losing it is a big deal as a woman, and she needs to be 110% sure she's ready before she does it. Again, though, it's something I feel you two should talk about. I don't know her, so I have no idea what's going on, but honesty is the best policy. Just talk about it and be honest.

You know what I call a girl that doesn't want to have sex ever? Single.

That is my advice to you. The pregnancy fear is her excuse. She has more control over pregnancy than you do given the multitude of options women have to deal with that. She is just using you and the situation to get everything she wants out of the relationship while feeling no obligation to your needs. That isn't a fair relationship. I'm not saying you should pressure her into sex or give her any ultimatums. You should just get her a cat and leave. Don't waste your time on her further.

I would just like to point out that
1.) Pregnancy responsibility/concern really should be on both parties, not just the woman's. If I was with a guy who insisted it's my job to not get pregnant and just did whatever he wanted without really caring about my worries, I would not have sex with that guy. There's no respect there and no reason to trust him with my body.
2.) Birth controls suck. If this girl's on the pill and it works for her, awesome! But just because we have multiple options, it doesn't make it great. The hormone levels suck, and it's hard finding one that's actually compatible with you, and this includes pills, shots, patches, etc. They all suck, and they're all hard on the woman. Having many options doesn't make it any easier. In fact, all those options exist because it's a real pain in the rear to find one that doesn't cause problems.
3.) Sex is a big deal as far as being the girl in a relationship. There's a lot that goes into it. There's the social aspect, there are fears (whether they be pregnancy, STDs, or whatever, and they're all legitimate fears), and honestly? It hurts. Sex can physically hurt. You would hesitate to have sex too if it felt like you were being torn in half.
4.) Relationships are about more than whether or not she has sex with you.
5.) Having sex with the other person is not fulfilling a need. Orgasms are not a need. There is masturbation for that.

 

[Terminal Blue]

Sex is as big a deal as you make of it.

Honestly though.. "Sex" in the sense you're talking about is nothing special, particularly when you're new to it. Unless someone is actively turned on by the idea of vaginal intercourse, it's really not that pleasurable.

If you haven't already, you could ask whether she'd be okay trying things like oral sex and mutual masturbation. Both are completely safe and often a lot more fun than vaginal intercourse, especially for a female partner. Also, it builds a degree of communication, familiarity and (most important) trust which will serve you well if you ever do decide to take it further (although I hate that phrasing because really, there is no further.. of the top ten sexual experiences of my life, only one - two if I'm really pushing it - involved vaginal penetration and that was more because I got off on the situation than anything else).

If your girlfriend really is too scared to do anything sexual, then I suspect there's more than just pregnancy fear at the root of that. If you're careful about how you phrase it, there shouldn't really be any reason why you can't initiate a conversation about that.

 

[The Almighty Aardvark]

Do you guys do anything sexual at all? If pregnancy is her fear, you guys can still do mutual masturbation, oral sex, and so on, which feels amazing and carries zero risk of pregnancy.

This is what I want to know as well.

Well, uh... not in nearly as creepy of a way as that comes across

If she doesn't want to do anything sexual, then it probably isn't pregnancy that's the fear. In which case you might want to try to figure out what her reasons are. It might not be about you, and it might be just be something that she's not comfortable talking about, but just hearing that would probably be better than it being hidden behind something else.

Now, sex really isn't that big of a deal. It's great, it's fun, but it's made out to be a lot more important than it is. That being said, if it's something that's important to you and she doesn't seem open to it, then it might be something you want to re-evaluate in the relationship. Just make sure it's not because of what you think is expected of you

For me personally, if I was in a relationship without sex specifically I wouldn't mind particularly. It's not that much beyond all the other non-intercourse things you can do, and there's a lot of other physical aspects of a relationship that I can enjoy aside from it

 

[Johnny Novgorod]

1) Maybe I read this wrong but why is she on birth control if she doesn't want to have sex in the first place?

2) She has as much a right to withhold sex from you as you do to leave her. Two people want different things from each other, no reason to bend anybody's will. Feel free to walk out on her.

3) I'm going to skip the flowery language and be crass about this one: women only get pregnant if you ejaculate inside their vaginas. If her one fear is getting pregnant, then feel free to jerk off each other.

4) And yes, you're missing out. Even if you end up not being crazy about sex, you're missing out on the knowledge that you're not crazy about sex. And even then your opinion on sex can change over time as you become more intimate with your partner, or have different partners, and so on.

Captcha: tastes good

 

[Megalodon]

Unfortunately, I don't think there's an easy answer here. Are you missing out? Yes and no. On the one hand you really aren't less of a person for lacking that experience, although I remember all too well how empty such sentiments sound when you're on the other side of that particular fence, so I certainly wouldn't be surprised if statements like this are scant comfort (they certainly were for me). But on the other hand, if you have a good relationship with this girl for over a year, then it could be argued you've already hit the jackpot, having found someone who genuinely gives a shit about you and all that jazz, as long as it's reciprocal you're in a great place. Which is why, as has already been said, you should talk to her about this, if you both care about each other, you will find a mutually beneficial solution. If not, then it's not meant to be, and you're better off that happening sooner rather than later.

 

[sanquin]

Think of how much people big up weed.

Just had to comment on this:
From personal experience, it's awesome...IF you're into that kind of thing. It kinda feels like being very tipsy, imo. But it's definitely not nearly for everyone. And I do advise your average person to stay away from it.

OT:
I lost my virginity at age...24 I believe. And to me it really wasn't that big of a deal. It's like masturbation, only more awesome and intimate because you're sharing it with someone you want to be intimate with. There are plenty of people who could sleep with any woman they find sexy, but I'm not one of them. I see sex as that thing people that haven't grown out of their college years want to brag about. Because they don't have any -real- things to brag about.