Issues with my mum

[Relish in Chaos]

Alright, so I don't really know why I'm bothering to make this thread, but I'm just feeling really shitty with myself right now and I need some help.

My family and I have been fasting for Ramadan this past month. Now, I'm an Atheist and have told my mother that at least twice, but she denies it and says the usual "I know what's best for you" thing. Even though I'm 17, she says I'm a Muslim as long as I'm under her roof and she encourages me to pray and read all the books, etc. But she seems to continuously give me mixed messages; for example, when I was talking to her a couple of weeks ago about my worries relating to my faeces, she said I should eat more fibre, but when I was telling her I was thinking of starting to drink orange juice to improve my diet, she said I should stop being hypochrondiac and I don't have constipation or anything.

So basically, she tells me that I don't have to fast if I don't want to and I can just do half-days. I still fast when I can anyway, rationalising it to myself that I'm doing it for myself and not for any god that I don't even believe in anyway...but I am partly doing it to please my mother, because...well, I'm weak-willed and she genuinely scares me with how quickly she can change moods. So, I broke fast about half an hour ago because I just felt really dehydrated and had a headache, and I told her that...and then she got really pissed off with me and said I'll have to make it up at a later date because I've wasted the whole day and I shouldn't have fasted at all if I felt ill, not to mention I might get diarrhoea because all I had was a pack of biscuits and some water.

So yeah, now my mum's mad at me. I'm not sure if she's still going to be mad at me by the time she cooks dinner for my brother and I in about an hour's time, but I'm just trying to not think about how mad she'll probably still be...and how sad and empty I feel.

EDIT: Oh, one last thing. She knows I have OCD and am on medication for it, but I haven't told her that I have generalised anxiety disorder and depression (although I have told her that I tend to have some anxiety issues over certain things) and I take the medicine for that as well. If I told her that I broke fast an hour early because I just couldn't think straight and felt really nervous, she'd probably just say the same thing and tell me to not think about it. I know I'm going to sound like some spoilt brat now, but I really wonder why she had me in the first place, because I feel like I've been making so many mistakes and even when she praises me for something...admittedly, sometimes I just don't give a shit or act as if she's patronising me, which leads her to complain that none of her kids treat her with enough respect (especially my sister, who tends to lose patience with her the most, but luckily, she lives in Gloucester now as a vet, so she only has to come down in the holidays and it's to see me more than Mum).

 

[Jux]

She sounds unreasonable. Eat when you want and just don't tell her. It's not your religion. I think this is a case where lying, either by omission or directly, isn't a problem. You're not trampling on her religious beliefs by eating, and it sounds like you have enough problems as it is, without her being supportive. She's lucky I'm not her son, I'd be pan frying pork chops right now if I was there.

 

[BARQ]

Once you're 18 you are no longer legally obliged to your mother. Try to keep things civil for now, and bide your time. But keep your respect. You can hide the fact you're breaking from fasting- don't draw attention to it and don't put down her beliefs even if yours clash.
At the moment keeping your head down might be the best solution short term. Just don't allow yourself to be intimidated either.

 

[endnuen]

Stop telling her everything? Why did she need to know that you broke your faste?

 

[BrassButtons]

I say, if she insists that you're a Muslim despite you telling her otherwise, you should start insisting that she's a Hindu. Maybe then she'll realize that you can't tell other people what their beliefs are.

 

[Jinky Williams]

Sorry to hear about all that's going on and has been going on, Relish.

Firstly, I wanted to be sure to let you know that you have an excellent and amazing heart. You have a great deal of compassion, and the fact that this is causing you so much distress is because you care so much about your relationship with your mom (and about relationships in general).

There's a lot of stuff you don't need to own, here. Stuff that keeps you mired and "wrapped around the axle" without any promise of resolution is stuff you don't need to work with. Voices that say "you can't/shouldn't do this" without providing what you *should* or *can* do are useless. Yes, relationships are a two-way street, with hurt felt and dealt by both

Also, regarding how your mom speaks and acts toward you: Broken people are broken. When you're familiar with how a tree is supposed to look and behave, you can more easily spot when a tree has departed from that and can track down *why*. Something I've found to be true is that people, although not often making correct decisions, act from inherently good impulses--they're just often taken out of context and to a place they shouldn't go.

Feeling loved and feeling like justice has been done are are crucial to us, and when those are out of alignment we do what we think needs to be done to resolve them. Unfortunately, we're generally pretty short-sighted about our plan for moving forward, and what we're looking for really isn't often what we're really looking for.

Your mom is no exception, here: She's acting out of brokenness from her relationship with her family, having observed and internalized different coping mechanisms from them (and continuing back through generations), which has led to her reacting poorly in some situations. I'm not justifying her actions as being correct, but sharing where they may be coming from because under all that is the truth that your mom loves you, *desperately* wants your reciprocated love and approval, and is trying to raise you in a way that seems right to her and in the best way she knows how.

She may have no real good outlet in the form of someone she can go do a heart dump on and get some edifying, positive direction. Something without an relief valve is going to blow up through wherever the most structurally-weak part is, and it seems like your mom has a lot of stored-up anxiety and emotions that simply have had no outlet, so it blows up and is expressed uncontrollably.

It is *not* your responsibility to fix your mom; it is *not* a weight you need to bear. However, from what you've written I believe that you do want restoration for your mom and also for your relationship with her.

Disclosure: I have no type of professional counseling degree or experience. I just really like people and seeing lives restored. I also acknowledge there's a good deal I don't know about your situation and past with your mom (or dad). My thoughts about how to move forward should be taken with this understanding. Take what you choose, feel free to leave what you will.

That said, here are some thoughts: Ask what you truly want out of this, going forward. There are symptoms and causes. And like with any sickness, symptoms are painful and it's nice to have them relieved. However, you can try to stop a cough by duct taping your mouth and nose to inhibit the forced exertion of air, but obviously that's not going to end well. Better to determine what the cause is of the coughing and treat that. Same with the situation here. The lashing out, the mood changes, the seeming lack of concern for your health upholding the fasting, those are all symptoms. What we're looking for is a way to treat the causes. And again: It is *not* your responsibility to fix your mom. However, you can be an agent and catalyst of restoration to not just her, but your whole family. What do you want to see happen in your own life, in your mom's, in the relationship dynamics of your household, etc.

This is crucial, because knowing what you don't want is good fuel, but without knowing where you want to go, you're just going to burn it and go nowhere but back to what you are familiar with. Look at families who you admire for inspiration, and maybe approach them with questions about how they deal with conflict.

Sit and internalize some of the above and see if you can find truth in what was written about your mom--in particular, that she loves you, wants your love and approval, wants to raise you right... and that she's broken (like you and everybody else). Going into a conversation with your mom and having those things in your heart will make it easier for that heart to be expressed toward her.

Spend some time thinking about some things you are thankful that she does do--either in how she acts (how she has or does provide for you, etc/) or when she restrains herself (when she could express her anger or frustration but doesn't).

In the middle of this warzone, walking out in the middle with a white flag is going to be a powerful thing. Taking the time and effort to express to her things that you've observed and are thankful for are going to go a long ways in starting that restoration, as will telling her that you know she loves you by those things, that you're sad about there being so much stress in her life and in the family, and wanting to help relieve that. And--the most difficult part (maybe)--leaving it at that. No attempting to get a word in or making a suggestion of how she should change. There's going to be an opportunity and need for discussion about what has hurt and how to move through (and not around) those hurts. But at this point, the focus is establishing a firm foundation for your relationship. Making your heart for her evident, and making her understand that you're interested in the well-being of her heart and the family.

It's going to take being vulnerable and allowing some time for results, and she might not know how to take or process this change. I wish I could give you a guarantee of this being a successful and edifying time for you and your mom, but I can only say this is my heart for you guys and the best way I know how to begin the journey there.

 

[Relish in Chaos]

Yeah, thanks for everyone's replies. By the time I go to university next year, I won't have to deal with any religious stuff anymore. To be honest, I kind of just wanted to rant for a bit. But yeah, I've tried to talk to her on a more equal level, and she's long since calmed down now and has sympathised with me a bit more, so it's OK now.

 

[Moth_Monk]

Tell her to go fuck herself and then you go and do what the hell you want, seriously.

 

[Shadowstar38]

You should really make her aware that you shouldn't have to do anything having to do with religion. That's something they just have to accept.

Tell her to go fuck herself and then you go and do what the hell you want, seriously.

If you want to be a little more gangster with your religious freedoms, go with that one.

 

[Mersadeon]

In my opinion? Don't lie to her, as many here have told you. Don't immediately tell her everything, but when she asks, be honest. If she gets mad, tell her that your life is exactly that - yours!

Look, I know the thought of having a fallout with your mother is hard, but it's better to have it "explode" now than being oppressed some more before it happens. You won't be happy until you've made yourself absolutely clear as to what you think is right, wrong and appropriate.

 

[Weaver]

Sounds like moving out is going to be awesome for you