A group of hunters are in the woods, and they come upon an elderly hunter. They can tell that his sight is poor, so they start calling out, "We're not deer! We're not deer!"
The elderly hunter raises his gun and mumbles, "Shut up, deer."
I know a LOT of black jokes and a lot of really fucked up jokes, none of which I will mention here because I will probably get probed/susp'd/banned.
Here is a good one, though, that is somewhat tame:
There is this man, and he has $5. He decides to spend his $5 on the red light district nearby. He heads to this "sex house", if you will, and asks the proprietor what $5 will get him.
"Follow me," the proprietor says, and leads him to this room with a lone chicken in the center. The owner shuts the door, and the man does his best to chase the chicken down. He finally does and begins fucking it (he digs it). He finishes, and leaves.
The next week, our man has $10. So, he heads down to the sex house he was at last time, and asks the proprietor what $10 will get him.
"Follow me," he says and leads the man to this small, dark room, full of guys jacking off. Our man, who isn't gay, freaks out.
"Whoa whoa! Hey, I am not gay! This is gross!"
"Calm down, here, look," says one of the guys jacking off, and shows our man to a little hole in the center of the room; a hole all the guys in the room appear to be looking into. The little hole is a peephole into another room with two hot chicks having sex.
"Now, this is what I'm talking about!" our man says.
"It was better last week, you should have seen it!" one guy says, "There was this guy fucking a chicken!"
A friend of mine called me the other day and he was freaking out. He told me to come over and quick, he was very panicked so I was worried and I rushed over there.
I sped over to his house as fast as I could without getting pulled over. When I finally made it, I ran in and found him with his pants down and he said he got his dick stuck in the cap of a Bic pen. Although little did I know the joke was on me because it wasn't stuck there was plenty of room.
Sir do you have any medicine... cause these cobras are sick *flexes arms*
I SHALL NOW READ A PASSAGE FROM MY JOKE BOOK 'Truly Tasteless Jokes 1,2,3'
Whats the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman. You can unscrew a light bulb.
A woman walks into a pet store and while browsing the owner comes out and says (while she is standing in front of the frogs) 'Ah yes that frog there can give fellatio!' The woman, obviously interested, decides to buy it and brings it to her apartment. 10 minutes pass while she is 'assuming the position' and she gets angry and brings it back to the store demanding a refund.
The man asks what's wrong and the woman exclaims that the frog doesn't give fellatio. She then demonstrates to the owner that the frog doesn't do anything. The man then proclaims to the frog, 'All right... I'll show you this one more time...'
A child and a pedophile are walking through the woods at night and the child says
"Wow this sure is scary." Then the pedophile says
"You think this is scary? I'm the one that has to walk back alone."
So there's this man, & his whole life he's loved tractors. When he was a little kid & all his friends played with toy cars, he played with tractors. When they got car posters & car magazines, he got tractors. And when all his friends finally got their licenses, he got a license to drive a tractor.
So this guy gets together all the money he's been saving for a tractor ever since he was a kid, calls in all his favours & goes out to a tractor lot. There he looks at all the tractors, but he can't afford any of them. Finally he gets to the cheapest, a little second-hand red tractor. But he's still a few hundred dollars short, so he goes to the tractor salesman & pleads with him to make some kind of deal. The salesman thinks, & tells the man that he can give the tractor to him if he agrees to go without a warranty or insurance. The man agrees, pays the salesman & drives off the lot in his new tractor.
As soon as he turns the corner onto the street off the lot, the tractor falls to pieces. The wheels & paneling fall off, the engine drops down onto the road. He runs back to the salesman, absolutely furious. He's never been more angry in his life, & demands his money back. But the salesman tells him that because he had no warranty or insurance, he had no right to any money back. After an hour of argument, the salesman finally threatens to call the police. So the man goes home, feeling completely betrayed. When he gets home he gathers up all his tractor toys, his tractor posters, his tractor magazines & finally his tractor license, puts them into a big pile, throws some petrol on & lights the pile.
That night he decides to go to the pub, because he's so upset. He gets a lift from his friend & spends a good few hours playing pool. At the bar he starts chatting with a girl, & he's getting along really well with her, they're both having a really good time. Eventually she gets up & tells him she's going to go home. He asks her if she'd like to have one more beer with him before she goes, & she says "I'd love to, but I just can't. Don't get me wrong, I'm having a really good time & I really like you, it's just all the fumes & smoke in here, I'm getting a headache."
And the man says "I can fix that."
So he gets up & breathes in deeply, filling up his chest with all the fumes & smoke in the pub. He walks over to the window & blows them all out in a big plume of smoke, & the air inside the pub is fresher than anyone has ever tasted, as pure as a rainforest.
He sits back down with the girl, & takes a sip from his beer. She tells him "That is the most amazing thing I've ever seen anyone do ever! How could you possibly have done that?!"
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