Letters to Skyrim

[DPSSOC]

Just something for fun, in character letters to the people of Skyrim.

Dear Skyrim,

I was attempting to vacation in your fine country when I was assaulted by your soldiers, thrown into a wagon, and am now about to have my head cut off (the Captain being nice enough to allow me to write this letter). This so far has been my worst vacation ever and I shall not be returning.

Sincerely, Tobi D. Seesed

Dear Skyrim,

Having travelled through you country for some time I have come to admire the hardy resilience of your people. I must ask however that you restrain your dead before burial, it seems that even death cannot keep a good Nord down.

Sincerely, A concerned explorer

 

[ShindoL Shill]

Dear Skyrim,

Where are all the Khajiit? Why do people give me funny looks?
And why does nobody pay attention to their pockets? Look, if my biggest problem is that I need to invest in property so that I don't break my spine carrying your valuables, then I agree with the grumpy tall Nord in the pub: your security is terrible.
And your skooma trade is just... abysmal.

Sincerely, A Concerned Gentle-Cat Thief.

P.S. What's with the civil war? It's a fight between a group of native racists, a group of foreign racists who like taking over everyone else and a bunch of other native racists running around half the country.
And the 'non-racist' group will execute you for walking near their enemies. In Elsewyr, I'd have been thrown in a cell overnight until I sobered up. You then expect me to save the country from some dragons. No. I will fuck your economy like a desperate, ugly virgin on a frosty night after drinking with Sam Guivenne.
And believe me.
I've done that.

 

[El Poncho]

Dear Skyrim,

I hired a horse from your fine country, since you have implemented flying to these horse the least you could do is help them survive the landing!

Sincerely, A surprised tourist.

 

[ToastiestZombie]

Dear Skyrim,

I would like you to kick those thalmor bastards out, they give high elves like me a bad name! Also, could you maybe put some protection on your horses, I pay 100 gold for one and I fall a measly 100 feet and it dies! That's just a rip off!

Sincerely, a bloody angry Altmer!

 

[Shifty]

Dear Skyrim.
I decided to further my studies and go to college, While studying destruction among other subjects my hands got badly burnt, electrocuted and frozen. This has massively hindered my studies in other area such as alchemy, double handed and heavy armor. Can you please talk to your tutors and ask them to discover a way of magic working were my hands are not being effected by the elements.
Yours respectively..
A concerned high elf.

 

[Lucian The Lugia]

Dear Skyrim,

As much as I would love to be in your lands, the admission fee of 60$ is a little much, and I am too busy fighting a devourer of planets with my new friends Dr. Stephen Vincent Strange and Mr. Phoenix Wright.
Sincerely yours,

Firebrand

 

[Soviet Heavy]

Dear Skyrim

I was minding my own business, when some Nord wearing a Bearskin on his head shouted at me, somehow throwing me off a cliff.

Love, Ariston

 

[DarkRyter]

Dear Skyrim,

Give me my life back. Or not. Whatever. Ooh, a soul gem!

Sincerely, Dar'Khali, Khajit Warrior/Mage/Thief/************.

 

[VincentX3]

Dear Skyrim,

GRAAAAWRRR ME SMASH! PEOPLE FLY? WHY!?

Sincerely, An angry giant.

 

[Jaeke]

Dear Skyrim,

Thank you.

Sincerely, Sorian uln Orikahn

 

[Chased]

Dear Skyrim,

I am sorry I accidentally shouted at a guard and ended up causing the massacre of Markarth.

Sincerely,

A regretful Redguard

 

[isometry]

To the Blacksmiths of Skyrim,

We wish to inform you that unfortunately we can no longer purchase your surplus iron daggers. At this point it is no exaggeration to say we have 10 iron daggers for every man, woman, and child in Tamriel. This ban on imported daggers also extends to iron daggers with seemingly random petty enchantments.

-Cyrodiil Merchants Association

 

[ultrachicken]

Dear Skyrim,

I do not understand why the fact that I can literally spit fire, disappear spontaneously, slow time, and shoot a bandit in between the eyes at 300 yards is overshadowed by my pointy ears.

Sincerely,

A confused wood elf

 

[Kopikatsu]

Dear concerned citizens of Whiterun,

This letter won't be received because there isn't anyone left alive in Whiterun. Probably. If a survivor gets this letter, I want you to know that I am truly sorry. You were supposed to die, too. If you could just...throw yourself on a sword or something, that would be great. Really. It would just save me so much time. Also, I want you to know that the entire ordeal is your fault. Not you, potential survivor, but the town. You see, I accidentally picked up a mace in the blacksmith's place of business. Apparently he had a strict 'no touching' policy. He also had a 'Kill all offenders' policy. I tried to reason with him, but the situation escolated and he got his wife involved...then the Battle-Born clan...then the town guard...Again, not my fault. Your fault. This time I do mean you, potential survivor.

Truly sorry,
Kayle Draken

 

[mad825]

Dear Skyrim,

I know that you like to stand in doorways, making full use of the space so that people may efficiently move from location to location. But when I come-by there's never enough room for pass and even when try to barge through you just stand there.

So I would gladly ask of you to look for any adventures in-need of getting to places so that we may all live in a happy and death free Skyrim.

Yours faithfully
Dovahkiin

P.S
Minstrels are not funny but very racist.

 

[DirgeNovak]

Dear Skyrim,
I joined the College of Winterhold hoping to learn more about magic, but I was made Archmage about two hours after joining. What kind of shitty school is this?

Yours truly,
Archmage Marayn Zallit

 

[Al-Bundy-da-G]

Dear Skyrim

Due to a recent and thorough survey be the EEPA(Emperial Eviromental Protection Agency), we discovered an astonishingly low diversity of aquatic wildlife.
The fact that there are only 6 species of fish in the freshwater rivers and lakes of an entire continent is disturbing to say the least. Not to mention rumors of Jarls hiring mercenaries to eliminate dragons, which are an endangered species.

A representative will be dispatched to your area shortly to investigate your Wildlife Presevation Facilities, as well as your water treatment facilities, and any other facility we may or may not seek access too. i.e. Breweries and Inns

Sincerly
Director of the EEPA,
Al Gorea

 

[soulalcatraz]

Dear Skyrim,

Your tourism advertising paid off, as it convinced my husband to visit for "just a little while." He left weeks ago and I have had no contact since. I fear I may never speak to him again. Curse you!

Yours,
Lonely wife