Long-distance relationship. Wife smothering me.

[Aanorith]

Hello fellow Escapists.

I've turned here before and I've often gotten satisfactory advice.
First, I suppose some backstory is in order.

Me and my wife me on the MMO Final fantasty 11, 7 years ago.
She is from USA and I am from Sweden. When we were still playing we talked every day and shared basically everything together. After I quit the game we didnt talk for a few months until she found me on facebook were we rekindled our friendship. For 2 years, we stayed in touch, a message now and then every week updated eachother on whats new and so on.

In the beginning of 2010, we started talking alot more frequently, then started using phone and skype. We both grew an intresst for eachother and we did have the serious conversation can this actually become something? She decided to come to Sweden and we had a wonderful time. So much that we imidietly started planning the next time we'd meet. All in all, I went to america once, she came to sweden twice and on the second time, I proposed. At this stage I had already made plans to come study in america to be with her.

I reasoned, hey, ill go study for a year and if everything goes to hell, atleast I've learned something hehe.

I truely love this woman so on the 9th of september 2011 we got married.
Over the months, our conversation duration has been increasing all along. It went from an hour or two every day and an occasionally text message, to 8-12 hours a day. The immigration paperwork to come study in america takes time, so I know part of her frustration is based on her not knowing when she will get to see me again.

She wants my attention all the time. When she cant be on the phone when she's working she wants me to remain online the facebook chat. She wants to talk to me during work (I'm a security guard and I work nights, so I CAN talk to her all through the shift)
But its putting alot of strain on me. She is depressed and sad very often and I don't feel like anything I do is enough. She even said today that she doesnt care what we talk about, its the duration and just having me all day that matters.

I know she has alot of problems, she has abandonment issues for her mother leaving her at a young age, they have somewhat of.. contact through letters but her mother lothes me for being an athiest (fanatic cristian) and her mother isnt all that well in the head either.

My wife is in the american air force, far away from her hometown and in her opinion only has one friend at the base she is stationed at.

Usually we only talk during night and thats been working fine, I get to talk with friends, family take care of everyday stuff during the day and we talk during the night. But lately, she wants more.

I work 12 hour shifts in my job, and usually I only have 2 hours at home for breakfest, shower, grosseryshopping before work and they I have to go to get to work.
Normally, I play a few games of league of legends or something coop with 3 friends of mine, its the only social interaction I have since during nights I work alone and dont get to see any people (unless someone breaks into the place, yay)

She wants me to text that I love her as soon as I wake up, she wants me to spend entire offdays with her. She always sounds dissapointed and sad when I say I'm gonna hang out with some friends. I once told her that my brother I havent seen in 3 months is coming to visit in 2 weeks so I wont be on until later friday and saturday. She was depressed for that entire 2 weeks because I would be "unavalible" that weekend.

This may be a little messy right now because, we just had a fight on the phone. We've been in a relationship for over a year now. The marriage was hasty, I know that but she wanted to rush it and in all honesty I dont mind.

I love this woman with all of my heart, I can see us having kids and everything, I'm planning on it. But I need her to back off.

I would like her to say have fun with your friends for once, instead of sounding like I just headstomped an infant. She once broke down after I got off with her on the phone to do some grossery shopping knowing id be back in 30min because she misses me already.

I told her clumsily tonight that I can't keep this up. That my friends feel neglected because I'm only off twice a week, (usually not together) and about 1 saturday/sunday a month. My family arent happy with me either since I've been blowing off dinner with the parents because she doesnt want me to leave with stupid excuses like I just ate, have laundery and so on.

I have no doubt that we're gonna pull through thsi and I've voiced my concern before that she is neglecting having her own personal life in favor of just waiting for me to go online on skype.

I love this woman and I don't regret anything and I will be going to America as soon as immigration lets me. But how can I help her see that we both need space to grow as individuals without hurting her emotions (even further at that..)

Sorry for the long post, my concerns and my feelings of getting smothered has been on my mind for quite some time but I always felt obliged because she's been having a tough time. But at the same time I feel that she is a grown woman and sould be able to deal with it.

I am 24 and she is 25. Any thoughts escapist? Sorry for all misspellings and the hastidly written text.

 

[Slash Dementia]

That's really understandable. I'm in a year and a half long-distance relationship right now, and what's happening to me and my girlfriend seem to be like this. We spend almost every hour that we have free talking to each other, we've both neglected friends to an extent, but we both came to the realization, I guess, that we need to do things alone sometimes. I believe that was when we got into an argument about it.

Sometimes my girlfriend will say "not right now" when I'm about to get ready for bed, or we do things like eat or anything at the same time just so that we won't spend much time away. Like you, I don't regret it because I love my girlfriend and I absolutely love spending time with her, but we both need to get our things done, and we both need time for our friends and family.

If your wife is having a tough time, I think you should stick with her, but let her know that she can get through even without you being there--don't hold her hand, but don't let her completely fall. Also, ease her into things. If you love her and she's clingy, slowly distance yourself until she's comfortable and just tell her that you love her and that you'll talk to her soon.

When my girlfriend lost electricity due to a fire, we didn't really talk for a month, but it helped us, even more than the argument, realize how much we love each other and how much more productive we can be when we're alone.

I'm not sure what you can tell her, but somethings need to be sugar-coated and I think this is one of them. Communication of feelings is really important, and it's important that the other understands and accepts them.

I'm sorry to hear you two are both having a rough time but I'm sure you'll get through, and you'll be visiting her soon.

Good luck.

 

[Rin Little]

While it does seem like your wife needs to back off and give you some much needed space, what do you think is going to happen when you actually start living together and everything else? Think about it, you're going to be around her any time that you both aren't at work. Are you going to be able to deal with all that constantly? Most couples I've seen literally revolve around each other, sure they might have friends, but its not like their relationship with those friends is going to be the way it used to be before.

 

[Liviola]

That is a really sweet story and you sound like such a sincere, loving guy.

I'm no stranger to the situation, either. My partner and I have been together for about 4 years. I met him through an MMO, had a close online friendship which developed into a relationship. Over the course of about 3 years, he would fly down during his school breaks to visit (a few weeks every 4 months or so). He has now moved to my city and has been living and working here for about 1 year, but we still do not live together (because my parent's don't allow it and I'm still studying). We're 23 & 24.

I don't know what your wife is really like in reality, but I can tell you that I have been guilty of the "smothering" and "clingy" behaviour myself, especially when we were still long-distance. I suspect I have similar emotional/psychological issues. However, it's not at the same level of severity as your wife's, according to what is being described in your post. I don't do those controlling behaviours such as making him text me or stopping him from seeing his friends, but I do become depressed if I cannot see or speak to him for longer than 3 days. I have a constant separation anxiety.

Ever since we had a big fight that was somewhat caused by this problem, both me and my boyfriend have been aware that this is a problem I have. Since then, I can consciously stop to think before I act out those feelings of clinginess and reason with myself with questions like "Does it really make a difference if he stays 30 minutes more? Is it really a fair for me to ask him to stay up for me when he needs to work early in the morning?". What helps even more is that my boyfriend does what you are not doing at the moment: he stands his ground and says "no" when I am asking for too much. I know this sounds somewhat cold, but it is an action that is necessary to curb clingy behaviour. I know myself enough to know that if he enables me to the same degree that you enable your wife, I could see myself controlling every minute of his free time. It is an abuse of power in the relationship: she is controlling the terms of your relationship and you are feeling powerless about it.

So my advice is: she needs to become aware how her current behaviour is a serious problem. After that, you need to start taking more control of the situation. Discuss the problem, let her know you feel like she is demanding an unreasonable amount of time from you, work towards an agreement together on what is a reasonable amount of time for you to be spending on her that allows you to also have a life of your own.

I know I need therapy to work out my own deeply-rooted personal issues about abandonment, and your wife probably does, too. I plan to do it sometime, but so far, the way my partner & I have been dealing with it has greatly reducing not only my "clingy" behaviour, but the emotions that leads to them, too.

Anyway, I hope what I have written has helped in any small way. I wish you both a happy future. You clearly love her a lot!

 

[Batou667]

Your girlfriend needs to realise that you have your own life, and that although she's now a big part of your life, she does't control it.

Make it clear that you love her very much but there will be times when you just CAN'T talk. On the job, for example. If need be, make up some bullshit about your boss catching you on the phone, and from now on you're only allowed to talk to her for 30 minutes during your lunch break or you'll get fired.

I think that probably it's the regularity of speaking which is more important than the duration. Try to agree times of the day/week when you will definitely speak, and stick to it. That way she knows when she's getting her next "fix" of you. But there's really no need to be talking for hours and hours at a time - real life couples just don't DO that day in, day out.

 

[Aanorith]

Thank you all for replying. I really do appreciate it.
I did have a long talk with my wife and she now says she can see that she has been smothering me lately. We're gonna work it out together, babysteps and alsoo agreed on set times to talk instead. I know shes trying real hard and I'm happy now that we got over that initial hump. Hopefully this will take us in a better direction.

Thank you for sharing!

 

[Batou667]

That sounds really positive man. Good luck!

 

[Slash Dementia]

That's great. I'm happy for the two of you, and that things are working out for the better.