I know by now most of you are probably tired of amateur writing hour here on The Escapist, but you all seem like some rather knowledgeable people, so I figured you would be the best group of strangers to get an honest opinion from. I have here a sample of writing from a larger piece I am trying to write. I am looking for opinions/advice on all aspects, style, grammar, syntax, everything. So without further ado, here it is.
I should add that for some strange reason The Escapist has replaced all my quotation marks with question marks. I can assure you however that in the original text they are quotation marks. So if you see question marks in odd places or in doubles that is why.
I look forward to your comments.
Owan noticed for the first time the girl standing in the corner, her flowing fiery red hair standing in stark contrast to the dark chestnut brown of the walls. Her face marked with freckles that gave her a look of youthful innocence. He then noticed her eyes, a sharp green that reminded Owan of springtime. His eyes then fell on the only thing distracting from her otherwise immaculate features. A large cross shaped scar on her left cheek. Owan recognized the shape immediately, it was a slave mark. Having grown up a member of the privileged House Richter, Owan had seen the marks many times before on the faces of the many slaves of his House, but now was the first time he had ever thought of the scars as beautiful. As he stood lost in the wonders of this stranger, her eyes met his. He tried to avert his gaze with little success, and before he could even attempt to stop him self he was walking towards her.
As he drew closer, his mind raced through all the things he would say, each seeming more pathetic than the last. He cursed himself for his stupidity, and, with nothing to say, managed only to let out the faintest ?H-hello.? Receiving no answer, and assuming she had not heard him he spoke again, only slightly louder. ?Hello.? Still receiving no reply he decided to give up, but as he turned to leave he heard from behind him an obviously exaggerated cough.
He turned and saw that the girl was now staring straight at him. Unable to think of anything else he again mumbled ?Hello.?
?Hello?? came the reply.
?I'm sorry to bother you, perhaps I should just....?
?What do you want?? interrupted the girl.
?Nothing...I....it's just that.....?
?Well....Out with it!?
?Well, I suppose I just wanted to introduce my self, my name is Owan of House Richter.?
?Well how 'bout that, a noble come to talk with little old me.? mocked the girl.
?Now there's no need to be rude. May I ask your name??
?I suppose.?
Owan stared blankly at the girl, waiting for an answer. When none came he sighed. ?Well??
?Well what??
?Well, what is your name??
?I haven't got one, strictly speaking.?
?Haven't got a name, how is that?
?I traded it.? she replied.
?Traded your name, for what??
?I hardly think that's any of your business.?
?What if I wish to make it my business?? Owan replied boldly.
The girl stared at Owan curiously for a moment, as if thinking. She then replied. ? I traded it for a gift.?
?What sort of a gift is worth trading your name.?
?The sort of gift that you wouldn't understand.?
?Well how do people talk to you if you haven?t got a name.?
?You tell me, you manged to talk to me. Barely.?
Embarrassed Owan retorted, ?What I mean is, what do people call you. That is to say What can I call you.?
?Well I suppose if you must call me anything you may call me Mouse.?
?Mouse??
?Yes, Mouse. Is there a problem??
?No not at all, it's just that...Well, Mouse is a rather unusual name, don't you think.?
?Well, it's a good thing that's not my name then, isn't it??
As he drew closer, his mind raced through all the things he would say, each seeming more pathetic than the last. He cursed himself for his stupidity, and, with nothing to say, managed only to let out the faintest ?H-hello.? Receiving no answer, and assuming she had not heard him he spoke again, only slightly louder. ?Hello.? Still receiving no reply he decided to give up, but as he turned to leave he heard from behind him an obviously exaggerated cough.
He turned and saw that the girl was now staring straight at him. Unable to think of anything else he again mumbled ?Hello.?
?Hello?? came the reply.
?I'm sorry to bother you, perhaps I should just....?
?What do you want?? interrupted the girl.
?Nothing...I....it's just that.....?
?Well....Out with it!?
?Well, I suppose I just wanted to introduce my self, my name is Owan of House Richter.?
?Well how 'bout that, a noble come to talk with little old me.? mocked the girl.
?Now there's no need to be rude. May I ask your name??
?I suppose.?
Owan stared blankly at the girl, waiting for an answer. When none came he sighed. ?Well??
?Well what??
?Well, what is your name??
?I haven't got one, strictly speaking.?
?Haven't got a name, how is that?
?I traded it.? she replied.
?Traded your name, for what??
?I hardly think that's any of your business.?
?What if I wish to make it my business?? Owan replied boldly.
The girl stared at Owan curiously for a moment, as if thinking. She then replied. ? I traded it for a gift.?
?What sort of a gift is worth trading your name.?
?The sort of gift that you wouldn't understand.?
?Well how do people talk to you if you haven?t got a name.?
?You tell me, you manged to talk to me. Barely.?
Embarrassed Owan retorted, ?What I mean is, what do people call you. That is to say What can I call you.?
?Well I suppose if you must call me anything you may call me Mouse.?
?Mouse??
?Yes, Mouse. Is there a problem??
?No not at all, it's just that...Well, Mouse is a rather unusual name, don't you think.?
?Well, it's a good thing that's not my name then, isn't it??
I look forward to your comments.