Lots of people marrying for the wrong reasons/not ready

[Eri]

I can't really sit here and make an exhaustive list of all the stupid reasons people get married. But I can rant a bit at least.

Don't take this to mean I'm against marriage, I'm very much for it. What I am against, however, is marrying when you are blatantly not ready for it.

How do you know you're not ready? Well if you get divorced a year after, you obviously weren't ready (at least one of you). I also can't say there's a magic number as to how long you should be married before I'd consider it just a colossal waste of time and energy. But a year is obviously not ready.

The statistics are there. Around a 50% divorce rate (US at least). That mean's it's either going to be you, or your partner... *ba dum tsh*

But seriously- Why is the rate of divorce so high? I really don't know a particular reason except to say people were obviously not ready, got married, and didn't know the person nearly as well as they thought they did. Or even if they did, they were not ready for the challenges that awaited them.

In general, I guess, less people should get married so quickly and keep dating. I'm sure as some grow older there is a big tendency to want to move fast to not lose out on time, but that approach is obviously not working.

I'm not even sure why I'm writing this. I just wanted it off my chest I suppose.

Why do you think the rates are so high? Would you agree people should date a good deal longer than they seem to now? If you disagree, why?

 

[Daystar Clarion]

I think people get married too soon.

I've been with the same girl since we were 15 (now 24), I know everything about her and vice versa.

She's my best friend, my lover, the one person in the world who truly knows me.

Honestly, at this stage, I don't think being married would change anything. It's just a formality, but it's something I want to do.

Mostly because I like an excuse to suit up

 

[Jonluw]

I get the impression that there is a bit of a culture for marrying early in the US.

If you're not married by your mid-twenties, you're apparently doing it wrong.

i.e. A lot of people might get married to the wrong person out of pressure and the romantic idea of marriage. That's how divorces happen.
My parents didn't marry until they were thirty and some years old, and I (and my sister, probably) were already born. They're still together. Not that it's been that long, but they seem to be doing well.
It is probably because of this that I have decided that if I am to marry, it won't be until I'm somewhere around thirty.

 

[Dr Pussymagnet]

Couldn't tell you.

I recently found out through Facebook that someone I used to know is getting married. And she's a junior in high school. Can't imagine that lasting long.

Shits just weird man.

 

[AngelOfBlueRoses]

I get the impression that there is a bit of a culture for marrying early in the US.

If you're not married by your mid-twenties, you're apparently doing it wrong.

i.e. A lot of people might get married to the wrong person out of pressure and the romantic idea of marriage. That's how divorces happen.
My parents didn't marry until they were thirty and some years old, and I (and my sister, probably) were already born. They're still together. Not that it's been that long, but they seem to be doing well.
It is probably because of this that I have decided that if I am to marry, it won't be until I'm somewhere around thirty.

I'd like to add on to this by saying that marriage is often seen as "success" here. The culture here seems to be that if you aren't out of college, have a job, and are married by the time your mid-twenties start rolling around, you better be shooting for a Ph.D. or something because you're a failure by societal norms. (I'd like to note that I don't agree with such societal norms)

 

[Dags90]

I get the impression that there is a bit of a culture for marrying early in the US.

If you're not married by your mid-twenties, you're apparently doing it wrong.

i.e. A lot of people might get married to the wrong person out of pressure and the romantic idea of marriage. That's how divorces happen.
My parents didn't marry until they were thirty and some years old, and I (and my sister, probably) were already born. They're still together. Not that it's been that long, but they seem to be doing well.
It is probably because of this that I have decided that if I am to marry, it won't be until I'm somewhere around thirty.

Well, there's a pressure to marry and to breed early. Not just social, but there is some relevant science in starting the breeding process before 30. And breeding outside of marriage is still considered a "no-no" in a lot of the country.

Divorce rates have actually been slowly ticking down in the U.S. since it became socially acceptable. Previous to the late 70's or so, the divorce rates were artificially low. There were plenty of people in unhappy marriages, who just stayed that way because "that's what you do". Domestic and child abuse were commonly thought to be "household matters" not warranting police investigation. You can't really compare divorce rates from before this point to determine the health of peoples' marriages.

Spoiler: Here's a graph of the divorce rates in the U.S.

There are a whole bunch of explanations for why the divorce rate is going down, the main one put forth is that children of divorced parents are trying to actively avoid their parents' mistakes.

Now does that sound so bad? As a society, we're slowly learning from the mistake of the previous generations.

 

[Tsukuyomi]

It's mostly just societal pressure, I think. Or sometimes I think it's actually what sitcoms always use when they do 'marital troubles' of a non-sexual nature: communication. Most of my friends are married, either newly-so or getting married and at least in the cases of those who are married, from what I can gather, actually TALKING about things that they aren't already 100% comfortable with talking about is like pulling teeth. It was that way for myself and my ex too, sometimes. Mostly on my end, which I'll admit. There were things I didn't want to say when she asked, as I had no doubt that they would irritate her or make things worse. I only ever did it because I was worried about how she would take it or I felt like she had her own problems and I didn't want to burden her by dumping on her. But it was definitely something that I think caused us to have our share of issues.

I think there's also some twisted ideas on what marriage and relationships entail, depending on various things in people's lives. Maturity, outlook on life, upbringing, how sensitive they are to societal standards and trends, etc. For example I have two co-workers who are essentially broken up, though they have a child. One day they, along with myself and a few others, were talking about marriage over lunch and the guy said with conviction and, seemingly, experience that being married is 'only an excuse for the girl to call me and demand to know where I am and nag me to get my ass back home.'

At that point I chimed in before the argument got too far and asked: "....well, normally wouldn't you become involved with someone because you LIKE spending time with them? If you're in a relationship and you go out and talk to other girls and act like you're single, what's the POINT of having a relationship at all? Just be single."

No one had an answer for me and I got stared at for a good ten seconds in silence but I still think it's a worthwhile argument, as they looked like they'd never heard of something so strange as to actually WANT to spend time with someone you're in a relationship with. It's madness! MADNESS I SAY!

Anyway...like I said: I think it mostly comes down to communication, perception of marriage and relationships, and societal pressure.

 

[ChildishLegacy]

Here in the UK it doesn't seem to be that much of a norm to get married early, it's not exactly frowned on, but you might get a few weird looks if you say you're married at 20 years old.

 

[Vault101]

lets not forget the no sex before marrage BS

 

[Eri]

Here in the UK it doesn't seem to be that much of a norm to get married early, it's not exactly frowned on, but you might get a few weird looks if you say you're married at 20 years old.

Unfortunately, the UK rate is, I believe, only slightly lower than the US's. I guess even not marrying young doesn't mean much if you're doing it for the wrong reasons or you don't know them well enough.

 

[Phasmal]

Am I the only one around here who doesn't think divorce is a bad thing?
My parent's divorce was the best thing to ever happen to their marriage.

I like marriage, it's a nice thing. I'd like to get married at some point, not yet though. But if I do, and it goes south, I wont jump to divorce straight away- but I'm certainly glad it's an option.

 

[Grygor]

The statistics are there. Around a 50% divorce rate (US at least). That mean's it's either going to be you, or your partner... *ba dum tsh*

But seriously- Why is the rate of divorce so high?

A major factor is the fact that a select group of outliers pushes up the average.

In other words, there's a certain small population of hardcore serial monogamists who go through multiple divorces through the course of their life, artificially inflating the ratio of divorces to marriages.

After all, just look at Elizabeth Taylor - married eight times, divorced seven, two of them from the same man. Between her seven different husbands are another ten divorces. Eight people, 23 marriages, 17 divorces - that's a 74% failure rate among them. Which means for every group like this, there has to be another 11 marriages that end in death just to maintain a 50% failure rate...

 

[Rylot]

Am I the only one around here who doesn't think divorce is a bad thing?
My parent's divorce was the best thing to ever happen to their marriage.

I like marriage, it's a nice thing. I'd like to get married at some point, not yet though. But if I do, and it goes south, I wont jump to divorce straight away- but I'm certainly glad it's an option.

The way I see it divorce in and of itself isn't such a bad thing, it's that people get hitched too early or for the wrong reasons that lead to broken homes and weak family ties. It's not that divorce shouldn't be an option, it's that marriage should be taken more serious by the average couple.

 

[Kpt._Rob]

I'm sure as some grow older there is a big tendency to want to move fast to not lose out on time, but that approach is obviously not working.

The big problem, from my observation is almost the opposite of that. It's not people who are getting older and jumping into marriage too quickly, the big problem is with younger people who are getting married way too early. Part of the problem, like it or not, is the religious culture which is so pervasive her in America (especially in red states like Oklahoma where I live). The major culprits here are people I meet every time I go to work (I cashier at a large grocery store whose name I hesitate to mention, but it's probably the first one that popped into your mind). These are people with very little education who aren't practicing safe sex, and when one of them gets pregnant the only option the Conservative Christian community gives them if they don't want to be looked down upon is to get married.

What you have then is a couple so young that neither of the individuals knows themselves very well, nonetheless each other. But the introduction of a child to the mix means they're kind of stuck together. They come through my register all the time, and every inch of their body language makes it clear how miserable they are with one another. It's no wonder that having a child who they seem to resent can't keep them together very long, so they end up creating another broken home with a disadvantaged child who will in all likelihood not have the educational opportunities to break the cycle.

In order to lower the divorce rates, a cultural shift would be necessary so that:

(1) People receive better education and are better informed about safe sex [I know how ridiculous it sounds to most of the people here, who are fairly intelligent, that anyone hadn't figured out safe sex yet... but trust me, they're there]

(2) People don't have to fear the societal stigma related to pre-marital sex anymore.

(3) Abortion is made to be a more realistic option [I realize this is a controversial one, but I have to see the way these parents treat their kids on a regular basis, and it's very difficult to imagine that most of those children will grow up to be well adjusted adults. If they were born into families where the parents weren't forced to marry one another, they'd probably have much better prospects for a happy life].

Of course there are some other things which would help a lot too, but these are probably the biggest things which would make a big difference. Part of being ready for marriage is being mature, which means having lived long enough to start to understand who you are, because until you do that it's almost impossible to understand who someone else is. The people who are contributing to the high divorce rate are just way too young to be able to do that, but until the culture changes they're going to keep getting married too young, and the divorce rates will remain high.

 

[Vault101]

snip.

I imagine that would be a problem in those parts of the world (as you said, the religious culture)

on the other end of the spectrum you see/hear about people leaving marrage and kids untill later in life, since they can, and go and "enjoy life" and all that...which I think its really great

except of coarse it can have issues of its own, some medical issues with women having children later (or being unable to conceive)

but also I think the Idea that as a women you can(and should want) to "have it all" the job..the kids...the fun life...all of it

except when time comes around your biological clock has ticked over

like..its ok to prioritise wanting children over a career, or wanting a career over children..you don;t have to feel like less of a human being because of that

I mean while its impossible to know how I will feel or what I'l want in the future but if it turned out that I never did get married or have children...then I'd be ok with that (well..thats present me talking..future me may feel very differently)

 

[Leemaster777]

I actually heard a rather interesting explaination once.

They say it's because nowadays, couples are moving in together BEFORE they get married. So when said couples actually DO get married, there isn't really any immediate change. There's no period of discovering anything new about each other, since that's already been covered when they moved in together. It creates an environment of stagnation before the marriage even begins.

Not necessarily the ONLY reason the divorce rate is so high, but something to consider.

 

[Vault101]

I actually heard a rather interesting explaination once.

They say it's because nowadays, couples are moving in together BEFORE they get married. So when said couples actually DO get married, there isn't really any immediate change. There's no period of discovering anything new about each other, since that's already been covered when they moved in together. It creates an environment of stagnation before the marriage even begins.

Not necessarily the ONLY reason the divorce rate is so high, but something to consider.

I don't get it...seems the "period of stagnation-eventual breakup is inevitable anyway, the only different being the point where you tie the knot

 

[Lilani]

In order to lower the divorce rates, a cultural shift would be necessary so that:

(1) People receive better education and are better informed about safe sex [I know how ridiculous it sounds to most of the people here, who are fairly intelligent, that anyone hadn't figured out safe sex yet... but trust me, they're there]

(2) People don't have to fear the societal stigma related to pre-marital sex anymore.

(3) Abortion is made to be a more realistic option [I realize this is a controversial one, but I have to see the way these parents treat their kids on a regular basis, and it's very difficult to imagine that most of those children will grow up to be well adjusted adults. If they were born into families where the parents weren't forced to marry one another, they'd probably have much better prospects for a happy life].

The conservative Christian lot does have a horribly unhealthy view of sex and marriage. If you look at maps of the US in regards to which states have the highest rates of divorce, adultery, STDs, spousal abuse, children born to broken families, and abortion it's all in the Bible Belt. They don't feel they have any other choices so they just go and have unprotected sex, then they have kids out of wedlock, then they get married to try and save face and patch everything up but then it goes horribly resulting in affairs, abuse, and divorce. Yet they are still convinced their way is the most righteous. It's just sad, really.

And I also feel like it's the young people who get married after knowing each other for like a year or two, without ever learning how to argue and work things through. Though I will say one of my uncles is an exemplary example of the other kind (the older people getting married quick to "make up for lost time")--after he divorced his first wife of like 15 years (she was cheating on him and staying out late getting drunk while he stayed home taking care of the kids), he met a woman online, dated her for six weeks, and then proposed to her. "When you know, you know," he said. Eight weeks after they met they were married, and then a year later they divorced.

 

[Kpt._Rob]

snip.

I imagine that would be a problem in those parts of the world (as you said, the religious culture)

on the other end of the spectrum you see/hear about people leaving marrage and kids untill later in life, since they can, and go and "enjoy life" and all that...which I think its really great

except of coarse it can have issues of its own, some medical issues with women having children later (or being unable to conceive)

but also I think the Idea that as a women you can(and should want) to "have it all" the job..the kids...the fun life...all of it

except when time comes around your biological clock has ticked over

like..its ok to prioritise wanting children over a career, or wanting a career over children..you don;t have to feel like less of a human being because of that

I mean while its impossible to know how I will feel or what I'l want in the future but if it turned out that I never did get married or have children...then I'd be ok with that (well..thats present me talking..future me may feel very differently)

You are right of course. I think that this issue is one of the many life presents where there is no perfect answer, it's kind of a balancing act, and there is no formula for the perfect life. There are people who get married under the exact conditions I described and end up being very happy and raising well adjusted children, and there are people who get married under conditions I might describe as being closer to the non-existent ideal who are miserable and raise poorly adjusted children. When trying to approach an issue like this, all I can responsibly do is approach the statistics while trying to keep in mind the outliers.

I do know how you feel though. Life is so full of situations like that, it's really impossible to know what you'll want in the future. Even when I said earlier that part of being mature and ready for marriage is knowing who you are (implying that you'd have a better idea what you'd want in the future), the real truth is that most of us will never understand who we are completely. Still, I do think that those of us who take the time as we grow to sit quietly with ourselves do start to learn some things, and can at least form a better picture from which to predict the best next move. That kind of goes into my earlier point though, in that doing that takes time. I would never say that people should wait until it's too late to have children, but most of my observations would seem to indicate that waiting until you're old enough to have a better idea who you are makes a big difference.

There is no exact time when that happens, it will vary from person to person, and if you take the time to talk to people, you'll come to realize that there are some people who never figured out who they were. That said, early twenties are still considered somewhat of a developmental stage from a psychological standpoint. In our culture it's the period in life where we make the transition from dependency to independency, and it's a difficult tumultuous time in life for everyone. There is so much going on at that point in life (trying to decide what you want to do with the rest of your life, learning to live on your own, keeping up with school [for people in college], beginning to have mature relationships) that throwing another difficult decision on top of the pile ["do I want to marry this man/woman and have children?"] strikes me as really ill advised.

Of course you do make another good point. Regardless of what a person chooses to do, they are still human beings, and for all the flaws and imperfections which define their humanity, all the ill advised decisions which will haunt them for years to come, it is wrong to look down upon them. Perhaps if I implied that they should be looked down upon, I did not choose my words carefully enough. I guess I would say that anything I say is at best the advice of another flawed human (me), and not meant to be viewed as an opportunity to look down upon people who have made decisions they will probably come to regret, since we all do that.