Marriage Issues - Lack of Sex

[firemark]

Just to make this clear, I am not going into any details; aside from the comments on frequency.

Backstory: My wife and I have been married for a little over 2 months now and have only had sex once. I love her very much, but she feels very insecure about her body and because of this rarely feels "in the mood". I try my best to make her feel sexy and care for her as a husband. However, it is getting increasingly frustrating for me as I kind of miss the physical intimacy.

Does anyone have any advice for me? I'll take any help I can get, whether it be encouragement or criticism. I just feel like I'm at a stalemate in my life and I want to make the right move.

On that note, let's try and keep this a clean thread, please?

 

[IndomitableSam]

The only thing I can think is counseling - if two people, especially newlyweds, are so out of sync when it comes to sex is that something is seriously wrong. Maybe she has health issues, maybe she has bad memories, maybe one of you has a hangup, and so much more. Seek a professional, really. A marriage can't survive if sex (or lack thereof) is an issue. Talk to your doctor, pastor, whoever you trust to take care of this.

 

[CosmicCommander]

That's a damn frustrating scenario, buddy. The most I could suggest is setting aside some time to talk to her, and attempt to understand, and hopefully quell the concerns she has about her body.

If that fails, try dedicating some time to some more platonic things with her, perhaps? Taking her out for food, to the cinema, etc, could cheer anyone up immensely- and I'd guess that it would help underline in both minds that you're both committed to each other, despite any sexual issues.

But yeah, Indomitable Sam makes a good point- if it is a truly serious issue, seek out a professional with your wife's consent.

 

[WolfThomas]

Indomitable Sam hit the nail on the head seeking professional advice with (as Cosmic Commander said) your wife's consent is the key. A family physican should know who to refer if the difficulties either physical or psychological.

If there's no immediate problems that can be solved, a counsellor can help with strategies. For example intimacy doesn't need to be straight to sex initially, kissing, massaging, etc can help her to feel attractive and comfortable in her body. Failing that as stilted and unsexy as it sounds, agreeing on having sex on a certain time weekly can actually improve the love life as sex releases certain hormones which can affect your mood positively and make you feel sexier later for impromptu intercourse.

 

[phazaar]

The responses above are all spot on. I won't ask, but I wonder if this was a problem before marriage or not (were you having sex, was it better then, did she use the 'not until marriage' thing or did you both want that etc.)... These can all be important things to think about. Do remember to relax though; as much as a marriage can't work without it, the idea (in a perfect world) is that marriage is permanent, and that means you have all the time in the world to get this on track

Another thing to think about is is she on birth control? This can have both a positive and a negative effect (sometimes both at the same time!), and it's always worth trying it the other way around, even if it's only for a month or two just to kick the 'old hormones out' and let the body reset [not a total science, but it does often work].

Without wishing to push this into the 'naughty thread' realm, if your wife were to seek a sex therapist's help, the first thing they would suggest would be to try masturbation (if she doesn't already). Hilarious to say it, but it's infinitely harder to be comfortable with someone else 'inside you' if you're terrified of what might be in there! This can be something you help her with or not, as she wishes. Things like her being on her front/under the covers whilst you're above them etc can help here, but this often does require (as WolfThomas says) 'scheduling'... As 'unsexy' as that is though, assuming she's as frustrated and upset by this as you are (which she probably is, even if it's very difficult to admit that - remember, women are just as stubborn as men, and arguably hate failure even more at times!), this shouldn't be a huge problem.


One thing I would warn against is pushing too hard/too fast. Especially if you weren't 'close' before marriage, you may be entirely unaware what you're uncovering for her (she may be too), and the -last- thing you want is her to ever associate any amount of 'pressure' with you. 1 in 4 women have experienced some kind of 'abuse' (not as bad as it sounds) in their life, and if it happened early enough, repression is a strong enough instinct she may not even know it. Don't be alarmed, the chances of this are incredibly slim, but it's always worth reminding yourself that regardless of whether she did go through anything like that or not, the fact she could have and how that makes you feel is potentially how she feels comfort-wise getting into these new situations.

You'll get there, don't worry

 

[Galletea]

Well, the above says most of it really. Other than that don't forget that sexual contact doesn't mean it has to be all the way every time. Go gradual, touching through clothes and the like, or in the dark.
Also it's worth remembering that if you have busy lives then your libido may just be active at different times to hers.