First things first. I know this game has been reviewed quite a few times and I know its mentally handicapped younger brother Oblivion has been as well. I know this, and yet I embark on some kind of retroactive feces flinging adventure in stating what has already been said.
So why do I do this you ask? Because I want to vent my frustration about something that I?ve noticed from my hobbit hole of a study. You see, over the years I?ve seen games come and go like tarted up professional celebrities/whores, and the one thing that?s always stuck in my craw is hype.
You see, when Morrowind first came out it was treated like a mixture between the second coming of Christ and phallus made entirely out of precious jewels. I remember waiting in eager anticipation so I could play, nay, experience Morrowind and even made several upgrades to the ?thing? in the corner cowering like an abused housewife.
I waited outside my local games store, and over the course of a week got to know the sales staff, and they got to know me as the guy who licked their store windows. The day finally came and I took the game home with all the anticipation of a groom taking a virgin home from the alter. However, once I installed the game, I was in for a shock. Much like the groom discovering an unchaste wench, I was dismayed by what I saw.
Sure, the world was big and it was pretty, but you couldn?t see the whole thing without dying about umpteen times.
It seemed wherever I went and whatever I did, I was murdered by everything from huge freaking monsters to a twig with delusions of consciousness. If you?ve ever played Morrowind for more than five minutes, these next words should have you rolling about the floor in the foetal position. Cliff Racers.
You go outside a main town for more than three seconds are you are set upon by screeching death from above. Running wouldn?t help, because these things seemed to stick to you like jam, or a woman who really?really wants babies. Nipping outside to find a certain plant? Cliff Racers. Venturing to Mount Doom? Cliff Racers. Popping off to kill some farking Cliff Racers? Conspicuous absence of Cliff Racers.
But, hey, the most annoying enemy ever invented wasn?t enough to throw off my youthful optimism! What?s a couple of Cliff Racers and certain death when I had this awesome game to explore? At least I think it?s awesome?it?s what people have told me is awesome.
Suddenly, I became determined to enjoy this game. I studied up on game strategies so I wouldn?t die every time I traveled from town to town, I bought protection and divine intervention spells to get me out of trouble, and I bought 20 cans of Red Bull so I wasn?t distracted by sleep.
I pushed through the annoyingly vague quest directions such as ?the place you are looking for is near a rock? and bugs that would have my character floating one minute and then spinning about like an epileptic panda on crack the next.
What finally broke me however, was the combat.
?What the hell!? I totally hit that guy!?, a familiar catch-cry to all of those who have played the game. For some bizarre reason, Bethesda thought it would be endearing to have the player swing a sword in first person, hit your enemy and not have ANYTHING HAPPEN.
I realise this is an RPG but for chrissake! If you?re going to use a first person perspective, you CAN NOT have a player hit an enemy for no damage. It will start riots in the street, people will void their bowels in letterboxes and economies will collapse as the IT nerds on which modern society is based start to feast on the flesh of hobos.
A part of the addiction in gaming is offering incentives for the player to keep on trudging through the same fights over and over again. If there is no payoff for a particular action, a player will become bored with it very quickly. When this happens in something as integral as combat, it?s going to piss some people off.
Some of the weather effects were astounding however, like the rain or looking up into the night sky, but why oh why did there have to be dust storms? Note to Bethesda, if people don?t like it in real life, they?re not going to like it in their game.
?But I liked this game!? some of you will undoubtedly whine at me. Indeed, some people have fond memories of an expansive world full of life and character, and indeed I do concede this game has some good qualities.
It?s huge, there?s stuff to explore and lots of quests. One gets the feeling however, that the gaming community will gloss over the bad points of a game if they?ve been told to.
You see, the reviews for this game before it came out like that hot piece of jail bait at the debutante ball, were great. They praised the game for providing a huge playground in which to indulge their fantasies in the safety of their own homes. They admitted there were a few flaws, but ultimately this was an experience to be savoured.
I went into this game thinking, ?hey, a few flaws. For the game of the year I can deal with that?. What can I say? I was young and naïve. If a strange man offered me a copy of Morrowind to climb into his van, I would ask him if he?d like a side of anal sex with that.
Ultimately, that is what Morrowind feels like. It lures us in with promises of candy and fun and then roots us up the arse.
Let this be a lesson to you. Don?t believe what the reviewers tell you. Do not buy a game based on somebody else?s judgement. Rent it first or play a demo for chrissake! If you go into a game expecting the world of it because some guy told you it?s good, or expecting the worst because it was savaged in the press, you are going to be disappointed either way.
In fact, DO NOT READ THIS REVIEW.
Shit, too late.
So why do I do this you ask? Because I want to vent my frustration about something that I?ve noticed from my hobbit hole of a study. You see, over the years I?ve seen games come and go like tarted up professional celebrities/whores, and the one thing that?s always stuck in my craw is hype.
You see, when Morrowind first came out it was treated like a mixture between the second coming of Christ and phallus made entirely out of precious jewels. I remember waiting in eager anticipation so I could play, nay, experience Morrowind and even made several upgrades to the ?thing? in the corner cowering like an abused housewife.
I waited outside my local games store, and over the course of a week got to know the sales staff, and they got to know me as the guy who licked their store windows. The day finally came and I took the game home with all the anticipation of a groom taking a virgin home from the alter. However, once I installed the game, I was in for a shock. Much like the groom discovering an unchaste wench, I was dismayed by what I saw.
Sure, the world was big and it was pretty, but you couldn?t see the whole thing without dying about umpteen times.
It seemed wherever I went and whatever I did, I was murdered by everything from huge freaking monsters to a twig with delusions of consciousness. If you?ve ever played Morrowind for more than five minutes, these next words should have you rolling about the floor in the foetal position. Cliff Racers.
You go outside a main town for more than three seconds are you are set upon by screeching death from above. Running wouldn?t help, because these things seemed to stick to you like jam, or a woman who really?really wants babies. Nipping outside to find a certain plant? Cliff Racers. Venturing to Mount Doom? Cliff Racers. Popping off to kill some farking Cliff Racers? Conspicuous absence of Cliff Racers.
But, hey, the most annoying enemy ever invented wasn?t enough to throw off my youthful optimism! What?s a couple of Cliff Racers and certain death when I had this awesome game to explore? At least I think it?s awesome?it?s what people have told me is awesome.
Suddenly, I became determined to enjoy this game. I studied up on game strategies so I wouldn?t die every time I traveled from town to town, I bought protection and divine intervention spells to get me out of trouble, and I bought 20 cans of Red Bull so I wasn?t distracted by sleep.
I pushed through the annoyingly vague quest directions such as ?the place you are looking for is near a rock? and bugs that would have my character floating one minute and then spinning about like an epileptic panda on crack the next.
What finally broke me however, was the combat.
?What the hell!? I totally hit that guy!?, a familiar catch-cry to all of those who have played the game. For some bizarre reason, Bethesda thought it would be endearing to have the player swing a sword in first person, hit your enemy and not have ANYTHING HAPPEN.
I realise this is an RPG but for chrissake! If you?re going to use a first person perspective, you CAN NOT have a player hit an enemy for no damage. It will start riots in the street, people will void their bowels in letterboxes and economies will collapse as the IT nerds on which modern society is based start to feast on the flesh of hobos.
A part of the addiction in gaming is offering incentives for the player to keep on trudging through the same fights over and over again. If there is no payoff for a particular action, a player will become bored with it very quickly. When this happens in something as integral as combat, it?s going to piss some people off.
Some of the weather effects were astounding however, like the rain or looking up into the night sky, but why oh why did there have to be dust storms? Note to Bethesda, if people don?t like it in real life, they?re not going to like it in their game.
?But I liked this game!? some of you will undoubtedly whine at me. Indeed, some people have fond memories of an expansive world full of life and character, and indeed I do concede this game has some good qualities.
It?s huge, there?s stuff to explore and lots of quests. One gets the feeling however, that the gaming community will gloss over the bad points of a game if they?ve been told to.
You see, the reviews for this game before it came out like that hot piece of jail bait at the debutante ball, were great. They praised the game for providing a huge playground in which to indulge their fantasies in the safety of their own homes. They admitted there were a few flaws, but ultimately this was an experience to be savoured.
I went into this game thinking, ?hey, a few flaws. For the game of the year I can deal with that?. What can I say? I was young and naïve. If a strange man offered me a copy of Morrowind to climb into his van, I would ask him if he?d like a side of anal sex with that.
Ultimately, that is what Morrowind feels like. It lures us in with promises of candy and fun and then roots us up the arse.
Let this be a lesson to you. Don?t believe what the reviewers tell you. Do not buy a game based on somebody else?s judgement. Rent it first or play a demo for chrissake! If you go into a game expecting the world of it because some guy told you it?s good, or expecting the worst because it was savaged in the press, you are going to be disappointed either way.
In fact, DO NOT READ THIS REVIEW.
Shit, too late.
