My Short Story Please Read and give some feedback

Recommended Videos

Ernest1

New member
Jul 25, 2011
10
0
0
Chapter 1: Just Business

9:15 a.m Bank of America: 2035 4th Ave, Seattle, WA.

The sun was up now and the city was already bustling, the inhabitants of the city followed their morning routines, stopping to buy coffee at a local cafe and browsing through magazines at a newsstand, preparing for the day?s work.

The leader of the bandits looked back toward his comrades with a look of seriousness on his battle worn face. They knew what they signed up for when and anything could happen, someone could die, they could get caught but the reward was greater than the risk.

The bank was the size of an small apartment building, the front of the building was composed of grey brick walls, a glass door, and a few glass walls. There were two entrance into the bank the glass door and the side door where armored trucks delivered money. It was a simple building and was there only to serve its purpose.They planned this heist with great skill, they studied the banks floor plan extensively for days. They knew every nook and cranny of the bank. They were well armed with black market assault rifles and well trained in the art of combat

Their van was parked near a inconspicuous wall. Their van was white just as every van was in the city, the only thing that would make it stand out was its tinted windows. Their eyes peered through the windows of the van, watching what few people passed by. In fifteen minutes they were to synchronize watches and emerge from the van. As they waited they went over the plan in their mind thousands of times, predicting every outcome of any possible situation they would be put in.

9:30
Their leader looked back again, this time with his hand on his watch.
?On my mark.? he whispered in his usual cold fashion.
?Mark.?
They synchronized their watches and the van door flew open, their eyes scanned the barren sidewalks as they barreled through the street. Their fingers glued to side of the trigger, holding their assault rifles close to their bodies, they burst through the bank doors. There were few people in the lobby only five waiting in a line, the bank manager who had his back turned to the bank entrance as he inspected the daily newspaper, and bank teller was dealing with a customer. As everyone's eyes turned to loudly opened door their faces went white, the only ones who showed no inkling of fear were bank teller and manager. They knew what the men wanted, and wouldn't risk anyone's life to stop them.


?Everyone down!? shouted the leader of the group, his dark eyes commanded them to comply.
?Simon shoot the teller, we don?t want him pressing any alarms.? the leader said in low voice as stepped toward the rest of the group.

The shot tore through the confusion and panic in the bank. The teller's body slouched forward and finally his face, frozen surprised twisted in pain, disappeared behind the desk. His gaze shifted toward the hostages. He let no emotion escape his face keeping himself deadpan. The rest of the robbers ordered everyone to the ground and began the process of tying up their hostages. Several cries escaped the hostages but the men in masks were professionals, they barked "Silence!" waving their weapons and getting immediate results and the crowd was left only with their tears and silent sobbing.

There were fewer people in the bank then expected, but that just made it easier. Isaac, the leader of the group moved toward the bank manager, grabbing him by the neck and pointing his rifle at the manager?s head.
?You?re going to cooperate with me, right..? he whispered in manager?s ear giving no space for argument.
?Okay then, let?s head to the vault.? he said in a hushed voice as he pointed toward the hallway toward his left.

The streets outside were as barren as they were when the robber first entered the bank. There was no one to hear the Simon?s execution of the bank teller, no one to alert the police about suspicious men entering the bank.

9:35
The manager opened the vault, first using his key to the panel in the vault door, and then keyed in his password. As the vault swung open, Isaac shoved his duffel bag into the managers arms.
?Fill it.? Isaac said in a low monotone.
The manager went to work filling the bag.

9:38
?Okay we?re all set to go.? the robber said into his earpiece.
His partners responded with affirmative tone. His friends came into the vault inspecting each bag, and picking them as they exited through the door.
"All phone calls coming in and out of the bank will jammed for at least thirty minutes." Niko said audibly so the bank manager would hear him. Taking a moment to think Isaac turned to bank manager.
?Thank you for your help, we will be leaving now.? he said
The robbers walked through the group of hostages on floor and strolled to their van with the duffle bags on their shoulders. They filed in one by one, it took only a few seconds to get the van started. The bank manager watched through the glass door as the white van passed the bank and turned left.

Everything went according to plan and they were in and out in nine minutes. Their loot was more than five hundred thousand dollars which was on the low side, but would suffice. This was their profession, none felt regret for what they had done it was just business.
 

tippy2k2

Beloved Tyrant
Legacy
Mar 15, 2008
14,870
2,349
118
...I swear I remember reading this a while ago. Did you just re-post the same story?

EDIT: I found the old thread that I commented in [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/18.367899-Poll-My-Short-Story-Please-Read-and-give-some-feedback#14305922]. It looks like the same story but different format so I will assume there are changes. I'll read it again at some point and let you know what I think. I really hope you've gotten better because the last one I read was...less than good.

EDIT 2: The grammar is far far better than the last time but you still never address what was my main complaint then:

tippy2k2 said:
Story-wise, why did they shoot the teller? I just can't figure that out. If it's because he could set off the alarm, they should probably just shoot everyone since I'm pretty sure any of those employees could set off the alarm... Not to mention the movie Heat if I'm not mistaken. Was it in that movie where they won't shoot unless they HAVE to because the jail time for murder is SO much higher than the jail time for robbery (and then once they do shoot someone, they just shoot at everyone because it's not any worse)? I can't imagine that a group of professionals are going to last long if they start their robbery career by blowing people away...

Also, this isn't terribly original, just kind of a meh idea. I don't know if you're going to add more or if this is it but it's just generic.

Lastly, thirty damn minutes to rob a bank? Does no one go to this bank or something? How in the hell could it take a large group of heavily armed men that long and NO ONE notices...?
You did fix the thirty minutes thing but now I just have a different nit-pick on that. You now describe this area as a "bustling city" and the bank basically has glass walls. NO ONE hears the shots? NO ONE is outside the bank wondering why men in black masks and machine guns are inside the bank? I Googled that address and the street view looks like that is downtown; lots of people downtown in the morning...

Them shooting the teller still makes no damn sense for the reasons in the quote box.
 

newfoundsky

New member
Feb 9, 2010
576
0
0
To many adjectives. "Nike said audibly so the bank manager heard him", "niko said in a low monotone", "barreled through the street", etc.

I suggest making the sentences neater. "Niko said loud enough for the manager to hear", "Niko said softly" and just cut the last one out entirely. Professionals, unless pulling off a huge heist of Jack Daniels, do not barrel anything.

Overall. . . It's solid, but keep practicing, and post the revisions :)