Right then. As the title gives away this is something I'm currently writing and I'm looking for comments and input on what I've done so far. I've yet to finish the first chapter and I know that some areas are rushed and will need expanding on at a later date. What I'm looking for is initial reactions to my style of writing and the current contents (obvious I know).
I know the escapist isn't the most suitable place for this but of all the forums I belong too this is probably the best for people and willingness to read someone else drivel.
All comments are welcome of course and if you have something bad to say about it then at least make it constructive
Chapter one:
Twenty years ago
What?s a crime scene before it?s a crime scene? In this case it was an abandoned warehouse near the train station. It was a squat building, no more than two stories high, and had been in use since the industrial revolution meaning it was made of red brick, which gave it that look of grandeur amongst the concrete building of the time. At least it had until about ten years back when it had been marked as obsolete and left empty ever since.
From where I was hiding I could see several people in the large empty space that made up most of the abandoned lot, two of these were tied up. The other five where all wearing robes and walking around the other two chanting all the while in a tong that had died long ago.
From the small amount of light that the overcast sky produced and that which was permitted to enter the warehouse through holes in its roof I could see the panicked expressions on the faces of the two captives, a boy and a girl in their mid teens. The girls face had a sheen to it that indicated she was crying and the boys was so pale he reflected the poor light of the night.
The chanting of the robed figures was beginning to grow to a resounding crescendo, the figure whose robes where trimmed with gold broke from the circle and stood in front of the captives. This was clearly the leader of the group, it wasn?t just the robe that set him apart but he resonated power and confidence. He was no doubt extremely charismatic and had a golden tongue, the other four people where more than likely submissive and had given into his greater personality and charm. Like insects drawn to a flame.
I moved silently from the pile of old crates towards the centre of the warehouse, ducking behind an over turned desk just as the little cults leader turned around. I could feel his eyes looking right at me, through the thick wood of the desk. Had he seen me? Had I made a noise? My heart raced as I waited for the sound of approaching footsteps. They never came.
Forcing my heart out of my throat and back into my chest I risked a glance over the edge of the desk. The robed figures had stopped the chanting and had formed a stationary circle around the two bound teenagers.
Golden-robe, as I decide to call him, reached a hand out from the depth of his robe and what I saw sent a chill down my spine. It was gnarled and old, almost skeletal in its appearance. This was no two-bit wannabe, he was old, extremely old and that meant powerful.
He reached for the girls face but she flinched away before he could touch her. A dead husk of a laugh exited the mans cowl and he reached out again, with no more space to flinch the girl let out a whimper as his dead looking fingers touch her skin. He caressed her cheek before he moved his hand down over her neck, tracing the line of the vain there. His hand moved over her breast and she let out an even quieter whimper than the one before. Before his hand past over her waist the boy next to her found some courage and made a sound as if to speak, but he never got the chance.
In the time it had taken him to draw breath the robed man had pulled a knife from the folds of his cloak and slashed across his neck. The only noise he made was a gurgling splutter.
As if expecting that to happen at that precise moment, one of the other robed figures had produced a gold chalice from somewhere and was collecting as much of the poor young man?s blood as it could.
The act hadn?t even made me flinch and I didn?t regret the loss of life. I was here for a different reason and it wasn?t to save two young humans.
I noticed that the girl was screaming, at least that?s what here mouth was suggesting but she was producing no sound.
Golden-robe wiped the bloody knife on the girls clothing. I doubted the girl was still sane enough to know what was coming next, hell no one would be. The knife slashed for the second and last time of the night and a different robed figure collected her blood in a chalice identical as the one used before.
The two chalice bearers knelt in from of Golden-robe holding their chalices above their heads. Waving his hand over the top of the chalices full of blood the other two robed figures moved past the two drained human corpses without a glance.
Golden-robe spoke in the same tongue as the chant as he waved his hand over the chalices of blood. The chalice bearers rose and began to pour the blood onto the floor and into a previously unseen rune scraped into the cement.
With a barking command fire leapt from golden-robe?s hand and ignited the spilt blood. The air was filled with the smell of burnt blood and an undertone of something fouler.
The flames grew higher, as if fed by an unseen source of fuel. As they got higher the flames turned from a bright red to azure blue, and sparks of raw energy began to shoot from it.
The cult had begun to chant again and it hurt burnt my ears to hear the words. There was a rush of wind, the physical by-product of the gathering of a great amount of power.
A shadow formed in the centre of the burning rune, vaguely human in appearance only stretched and with a variety of spikes jutting from its skin. This is why I had come, the summing of something from the shadow realm. Don?t look at me like that, just because all of this seems clichéd doesn?t mean that it?s fake.
I could just see the forms of the two teenagers behind the flames of the rune and the shadow within, necessary sacrifices in order to permanently seal a real life monster off from our world.
As the flames died down I could see the creature in total. It stood at eight foot tall and was completely distorted and stretched in appearance. The spike punctured its skin all over and had the look of thorns about them.
Golden-robe spoke again in the dead tongue and all of the other robed figures snapped their gazes on him. One was howling a curse as the Shadow beast unleashed it?s own piercing howl. I could feel the power pulling at me as the four robed figures simple collapsed as thin strands of white energy snaked from their cowls to the beast?s mouth.
This time my heart stopped beating all together. This was a Soul Eater, a baby one, but a Soul Eater none the less. I had come here with the intention of stopping the blight of a minor beast of the shadow realm, not a freaking heavy weight like that.
The two of them began to converse in that foul tongue again and my brain tried to think of a way to get out of this alive. In my youth an old tutor of mine had said I was far too impulsive and lacked the patients to fully gather all intelligence before committing myself to something. He was never a man to say ?I told you so? but he would properly indulge just this once.
My brain, and damn it to the end of time for this, decided that the only option left to me was to fight. I had come here with the intention of stopping something from the shadow world and I wasn?t going to leave, alive that was, unless I killed it. What a grate time to develop a sense of morality.
Using the various items inside the warehouse to cover me as I moved, I manoeuvred round so that the Soul Eater had it?s back too me. I would much rather have the eyes of a very old mage looking in my direction that those of a supernatural predator. Before Soul Eaters matured they have extremely good eyes sight, it?s only when they mature that they become blind, almost as if they are making up for the loss early in their existence.
I had no plan, no idea of how to combat Golden Robes never mind the monstrosity of the shadow realm he had summoned.
In a hundred and sixty years I had acquired a large amount of arcane lore and could sling spells with the best of them. But a wizard?s power matures and grows with age, making my power nothing more than insignificant in the presence of the elderly Mage. A long time ago I had carried a gun, a simple revolver, but it could make all the difference to engagements like this. A few surprise shots to bring down Golden Robe so I could focus all of my might on the soul eater.
I cursed myself for disposing of the weapon.
My brain, at least the part that does most of the thinking when I?m not looking, latch on to the idea of a few quick shots to dispose of the Mage. Granted I wouldn?t bring him down but it would keep him busy for a few moments.
Focusing my mind I pictured what I wanted my magic to become, an all-consuming flame that stuck to its victim like napalm. In the few seconds it would take me to draw the power I would need for the spell Golden Robe would detect my powers, which I had been masking until now, and I would have but a few precious seconds it took for them to react to get this right, Or I was a dead man.
My blood tingled as power rushed from the world and into my body. The tattoos that covered my entire body began to glow.
Concentrating my will the light moved and began to gather in my right arm. I heard Golden Robe Bark out a warning a fraction of a second before I rose from my hiding place and leased the spell.
Fire danced across the gap between the old Mage and me and I detected the change in pressure and he raised a magical shield moments before my spell struck him.
The fire ate at the shield and distracted him, forcing him to use all of his concentration to stop becoming a chard pile of bones.
This had all happened in the space of ten seconds and in that time the Soul Eater and begun to charge at me.
The site of the charging beast has never left me and was almost the last thing I saw.
Diving away at the last moment the Soul Eater crashed through the boxes I had been standing behind throwing up sparks as its clawed feet tried to cut the momentum of the charge.
As the Shadow Creature attempted to stall its failed charge I took the opportunity to do two things. One, I Checked that my spell was still distracting Golden Robes, which it was despite the fact it looked a lot weaker. Two, I ran like hell.
Deciding to stay and fight is one thing but I needed space if I was going to survive. Casting a spell big enough to even phase the Soul Eater was going to take a few seconds, not long when you look at it from any normal perspective but a hell of a long time when an eight foot monster is chasing you.
I ran as fast and hard as I could towards the large roller doors that led to a large open area that had been used for loading trucks. There was simply no time to try and open the door proper, so I called power from all around me. The tattoos along my right arm began to glow with an azure blue glow.
With a nonsensical shout I willed the power out of my body and towards the door. My intention had been punch a whole in the steal of the door that I could easily pass through. What actually happened was a little more than I had been expecting. With a shrike of metal and the snapping of wood the door was ripped from it?s frame and sent fifty meters across the loading area into the side of another warehouse.
I almost stumbled due to the shock of seeing the door imbedded in the brick of the wall. I was clearly more afraid than I was letting myself believe. Emotions can have a massive affect on magic, and I clearly had enough fear running through me to make me do something that over the top. It was something I could us to my advantage.
As I ran out of the now very open door I chanced a look over .my shoulder, only to find the space mostly taken up by soul eater. My heart was pounding so hard it seemed to drown out all other sound.
I had to think of a way to slow down the Shadow Creature but the burning pain in both my lungs and lower legs made it hard.
My feet splashed through a puddle that had been left by the days rain. I had an idea of how I could make it out of here alive.
It took little more than a thought for me the extract the heat from the water and turn it to ice.
The Soul Eaters foot landed on the ice firmly and nothing happened, bar the ice giving a pain shriek as it cracked under the pressure.
Again, comments welcome and I hope you enjoyed what there is so far. (if you people like it, it might galvanise me to write some more)
I know the escapist isn't the most suitable place for this but of all the forums I belong too this is probably the best for people and willingness to read someone else drivel.
All comments are welcome of course and if you have something bad to say about it then at least make it constructive
Chapter one:
Twenty years ago
What?s a crime scene before it?s a crime scene? In this case it was an abandoned warehouse near the train station. It was a squat building, no more than two stories high, and had been in use since the industrial revolution meaning it was made of red brick, which gave it that look of grandeur amongst the concrete building of the time. At least it had until about ten years back when it had been marked as obsolete and left empty ever since.
From where I was hiding I could see several people in the large empty space that made up most of the abandoned lot, two of these were tied up. The other five where all wearing robes and walking around the other two chanting all the while in a tong that had died long ago.
From the small amount of light that the overcast sky produced and that which was permitted to enter the warehouse through holes in its roof I could see the panicked expressions on the faces of the two captives, a boy and a girl in their mid teens. The girls face had a sheen to it that indicated she was crying and the boys was so pale he reflected the poor light of the night.
The chanting of the robed figures was beginning to grow to a resounding crescendo, the figure whose robes where trimmed with gold broke from the circle and stood in front of the captives. This was clearly the leader of the group, it wasn?t just the robe that set him apart but he resonated power and confidence. He was no doubt extremely charismatic and had a golden tongue, the other four people where more than likely submissive and had given into his greater personality and charm. Like insects drawn to a flame.
I moved silently from the pile of old crates towards the centre of the warehouse, ducking behind an over turned desk just as the little cults leader turned around. I could feel his eyes looking right at me, through the thick wood of the desk. Had he seen me? Had I made a noise? My heart raced as I waited for the sound of approaching footsteps. They never came.
Forcing my heart out of my throat and back into my chest I risked a glance over the edge of the desk. The robed figures had stopped the chanting and had formed a stationary circle around the two bound teenagers.
Golden-robe, as I decide to call him, reached a hand out from the depth of his robe and what I saw sent a chill down my spine. It was gnarled and old, almost skeletal in its appearance. This was no two-bit wannabe, he was old, extremely old and that meant powerful.
He reached for the girls face but she flinched away before he could touch her. A dead husk of a laugh exited the mans cowl and he reached out again, with no more space to flinch the girl let out a whimper as his dead looking fingers touch her skin. He caressed her cheek before he moved his hand down over her neck, tracing the line of the vain there. His hand moved over her breast and she let out an even quieter whimper than the one before. Before his hand past over her waist the boy next to her found some courage and made a sound as if to speak, but he never got the chance.
In the time it had taken him to draw breath the robed man had pulled a knife from the folds of his cloak and slashed across his neck. The only noise he made was a gurgling splutter.
As if expecting that to happen at that precise moment, one of the other robed figures had produced a gold chalice from somewhere and was collecting as much of the poor young man?s blood as it could.
The act hadn?t even made me flinch and I didn?t regret the loss of life. I was here for a different reason and it wasn?t to save two young humans.
I noticed that the girl was screaming, at least that?s what here mouth was suggesting but she was producing no sound.
Golden-robe wiped the bloody knife on the girls clothing. I doubted the girl was still sane enough to know what was coming next, hell no one would be. The knife slashed for the second and last time of the night and a different robed figure collected her blood in a chalice identical as the one used before.
The two chalice bearers knelt in from of Golden-robe holding their chalices above their heads. Waving his hand over the top of the chalices full of blood the other two robed figures moved past the two drained human corpses without a glance.
Golden-robe spoke in the same tongue as the chant as he waved his hand over the chalices of blood. The chalice bearers rose and began to pour the blood onto the floor and into a previously unseen rune scraped into the cement.
With a barking command fire leapt from golden-robe?s hand and ignited the spilt blood. The air was filled with the smell of burnt blood and an undertone of something fouler.
The flames grew higher, as if fed by an unseen source of fuel. As they got higher the flames turned from a bright red to azure blue, and sparks of raw energy began to shoot from it.
The cult had begun to chant again and it hurt burnt my ears to hear the words. There was a rush of wind, the physical by-product of the gathering of a great amount of power.
A shadow formed in the centre of the burning rune, vaguely human in appearance only stretched and with a variety of spikes jutting from its skin. This is why I had come, the summing of something from the shadow realm. Don?t look at me like that, just because all of this seems clichéd doesn?t mean that it?s fake.
I could just see the forms of the two teenagers behind the flames of the rune and the shadow within, necessary sacrifices in order to permanently seal a real life monster off from our world.
As the flames died down I could see the creature in total. It stood at eight foot tall and was completely distorted and stretched in appearance. The spike punctured its skin all over and had the look of thorns about them.
Golden-robe spoke again in the dead tongue and all of the other robed figures snapped their gazes on him. One was howling a curse as the Shadow beast unleashed it?s own piercing howl. I could feel the power pulling at me as the four robed figures simple collapsed as thin strands of white energy snaked from their cowls to the beast?s mouth.
This time my heart stopped beating all together. This was a Soul Eater, a baby one, but a Soul Eater none the less. I had come here with the intention of stopping the blight of a minor beast of the shadow realm, not a freaking heavy weight like that.
The two of them began to converse in that foul tongue again and my brain tried to think of a way to get out of this alive. In my youth an old tutor of mine had said I was far too impulsive and lacked the patients to fully gather all intelligence before committing myself to something. He was never a man to say ?I told you so? but he would properly indulge just this once.
My brain, and damn it to the end of time for this, decided that the only option left to me was to fight. I had come here with the intention of stopping something from the shadow world and I wasn?t going to leave, alive that was, unless I killed it. What a grate time to develop a sense of morality.
Using the various items inside the warehouse to cover me as I moved, I manoeuvred round so that the Soul Eater had it?s back too me. I would much rather have the eyes of a very old mage looking in my direction that those of a supernatural predator. Before Soul Eaters matured they have extremely good eyes sight, it?s only when they mature that they become blind, almost as if they are making up for the loss early in their existence.
I had no plan, no idea of how to combat Golden Robes never mind the monstrosity of the shadow realm he had summoned.
In a hundred and sixty years I had acquired a large amount of arcane lore and could sling spells with the best of them. But a wizard?s power matures and grows with age, making my power nothing more than insignificant in the presence of the elderly Mage. A long time ago I had carried a gun, a simple revolver, but it could make all the difference to engagements like this. A few surprise shots to bring down Golden Robe so I could focus all of my might on the soul eater.
I cursed myself for disposing of the weapon.
My brain, at least the part that does most of the thinking when I?m not looking, latch on to the idea of a few quick shots to dispose of the Mage. Granted I wouldn?t bring him down but it would keep him busy for a few moments.
Focusing my mind I pictured what I wanted my magic to become, an all-consuming flame that stuck to its victim like napalm. In the few seconds it would take me to draw the power I would need for the spell Golden Robe would detect my powers, which I had been masking until now, and I would have but a few precious seconds it took for them to react to get this right, Or I was a dead man.
My blood tingled as power rushed from the world and into my body. The tattoos that covered my entire body began to glow.
Concentrating my will the light moved and began to gather in my right arm. I heard Golden Robe Bark out a warning a fraction of a second before I rose from my hiding place and leased the spell.
Fire danced across the gap between the old Mage and me and I detected the change in pressure and he raised a magical shield moments before my spell struck him.
The fire ate at the shield and distracted him, forcing him to use all of his concentration to stop becoming a chard pile of bones.
This had all happened in the space of ten seconds and in that time the Soul Eater and begun to charge at me.
The site of the charging beast has never left me and was almost the last thing I saw.
Diving away at the last moment the Soul Eater crashed through the boxes I had been standing behind throwing up sparks as its clawed feet tried to cut the momentum of the charge.
As the Shadow Creature attempted to stall its failed charge I took the opportunity to do two things. One, I Checked that my spell was still distracting Golden Robes, which it was despite the fact it looked a lot weaker. Two, I ran like hell.
Deciding to stay and fight is one thing but I needed space if I was going to survive. Casting a spell big enough to even phase the Soul Eater was going to take a few seconds, not long when you look at it from any normal perspective but a hell of a long time when an eight foot monster is chasing you.
I ran as fast and hard as I could towards the large roller doors that led to a large open area that had been used for loading trucks. There was simply no time to try and open the door proper, so I called power from all around me. The tattoos along my right arm began to glow with an azure blue glow.
With a nonsensical shout I willed the power out of my body and towards the door. My intention had been punch a whole in the steal of the door that I could easily pass through. What actually happened was a little more than I had been expecting. With a shrike of metal and the snapping of wood the door was ripped from it?s frame and sent fifty meters across the loading area into the side of another warehouse.
I almost stumbled due to the shock of seeing the door imbedded in the brick of the wall. I was clearly more afraid than I was letting myself believe. Emotions can have a massive affect on magic, and I clearly had enough fear running through me to make me do something that over the top. It was something I could us to my advantage.
As I ran out of the now very open door I chanced a look over .my shoulder, only to find the space mostly taken up by soul eater. My heart was pounding so hard it seemed to drown out all other sound.
I had to think of a way to slow down the Shadow Creature but the burning pain in both my lungs and lower legs made it hard.
My feet splashed through a puddle that had been left by the days rain. I had an idea of how I could make it out of here alive.
It took little more than a thought for me the extract the heat from the water and turn it to ice.
The Soul Eaters foot landed on the ice firmly and nothing happened, bar the ice giving a pain shriek as it cracked under the pressure.
Again, comments welcome and I hope you enjoyed what there is so far. (if you people like it, it might galvanise me to write some more)
