Need a little bit of help.

[Kortney]

Hi everyone. First of all I have to admit I feel a bit of a tit for doing this, I'm not usually someone who asks for advice and share my problems but I think it would be beneficial to do so.

Let's get to it then:

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and over the last few months things have gotten rocky. Recently he and I have been fighting a lot. By "fighting" I mean he has been saying awful things and I have been crying. I'm not a confrontational person and tend to back away from an argument pretty quickly, and he likes to exploit this.

First of all, just to add a little bit of context, we both come from bad backgrounds. We have both lost family members to war, we have both been in serious danger and we are both immigrants to the United Kingdom.

Last week I went with he and his band on a holiday/tour to Wales. He was drinking, smoking (both things I don't do) and treating me like rubbish the whole trip. He was getting drunk almost every night and started insulting me out of the blue. I was really angry with him, until he (once again, completely out of the blue) insulted a few dead family members of mine and I completely broke down. The other guys we were holidaying with told him to shut up and gave him a talking to and after which he apologised and I stupidly said "that's ok".

Incidents like this happen a lot. Sometimes they are little things, for example I recently was accepted into a very good university. The results came out at 12am and I was really excited and went to wake him up and he said (and I quote): "I don't care about your fucking university. Let me sleep".

Then things go to the more severe scale, as I've already mentioned.

Anyway, so after we got back from Wales we settled things over a bit and he was extremely apologetic. He bought me a £200 bracelet and was being really nice. A few days ago he and his band were planning to go on a little road trip to Scotland and he asked me to come. I very politely, and very considerately told him that I would sit this one out. He asked me why, and I told him that I felt uncomfortable and I just need to recharge my batteries. He then replied with "That's ok, there will be heaps of other girls up there anyway".

Now, I could go on and on all day but these are just the recent examples. I need advise as to what to do. I'm quite close friends with his sister, so I have trouble asking for advise in "real life" because it's awkward.

I've thought many times about breaking up with him - but I love him. It sounds stupid but I care about him so much and I can't imagine even trying to break up with him. I do realise however, that he makes me feel worthless. The whole frustrating thing is how moody he is. One week he will be lovely and the next he will be awful. I honestly just don't know what to do.

The times I have brought this up with him and told him how he makes me feel - he either accepts it and completely apologises or he denies it and says its all in my head.

If you read all of that nonsense, I thank you a lot. If you have any idea of what I should do, please tell me.

 

[Hader]

snip

Well I can't say I have too much experience with much like this, but a second-hand experience does come to mind after reading this.

You are putting effort into this relationship, so before I say anything, let me commend you for that much. And from the sounds of it, he doesn't just not return the same effort, he doesn't recognize your effort along with it. Honestly, that's downright stupid. If I were you, I would get rid of him quick.

But at the same time, your effort to keep the relationship going wouldn't make that easy. Also, commendable, the dedication you have. What I think might be a good thing to do is to be much more assertive about even the smallest things. Even if he is joking (which is evident he is not with this), don't take an ounce of bullshit from him. To relate to one experience I witnessed more second-hand than actually experienced: one of my friend's was having similar problems with her boyfriend, always returning her loving gestures and efforts to maintain a great relationship with animosity and disrespect. My best friend and I sat down and basically just told her to ***** him out whenever he started acting like such an ass, to lay down the facts that this shit won't go down in any case and it's time to grow up and own up to your actions. It took a while, but she finally listened to us and started being very assertive towards him. At first he did threaten to break-up with her...nerve racking indeed, and I hated to have to tell her to just stick with it when it wasn't looking good at all. But he did come around eventually. I can't say their relationship is perfect at this point but its going better than before. My friend and I let her take it from there, as is only appropriate.

Assertive doesn't necessarily mean you have to be mean or anything like that, just show at the same time that you are tired of this and you will make it stop one way or the other, but also that you take this path because you care about the relationship.

You could leave things untouched from here...but I think it goes without saying that such inaction will not merit results in the short or long run. You are already making an effort, and if you are really willing to make that extra effort and risk, my personal opinion is that you should go for it. As much to gain as there is to lose, as painful as it is to say, but unfortunately true.

Perhaps, at the very least, you could start by talking to his band friends, since from what you have said, they seem enough like they won't let him be a complete ass to you. At least try to gauge why he is like this, and confront him about that, assertively.

If my rambling made no sense, I apologize, but I can guarantee it made less sense to me.

 

[Kortney]

Assertive doesn't necessarily mean you have to be mean or anything like that, just show at the same time that you are tired of this and you will make it stop one way or the other, but also that you take this path because you care about the relationship.

Problem is I am almost incapable of doing that. It's a lot to do with my background and my up raising. I have a really hard time putting males in their place, because I was taught for 16 years that they are always right. I really struggle with all that.

Perhaps, at the very least, you could start by talking to his band friends, since from what you have said, they seem enough like they won't let him be a complete ass to you. At least try to gauge why he is like this, and confront him about that, assertively.

That's what I think I will do - the only problem is that they are quite close friends with him and may tell him all about it and it might make the situation worse. They are nice guys though, so maybe I should try it.

Thanks so much for your reply, it was really well thought out and made a lot of sense

Thankyou!

 

[Hader]

Problem is I am almost incapable of doing that. It's a lot to do with my background and my up raising. I have a really hard time putting males in their place, because I was taught for 16 years that they are always right. I really struggle with all that.

As a male I can confirm we are never right. Though I don't know if I am right about that. Probably not.

That's what I think I will do - the only problem is that they are quite close friends with him and may tell him all about it and it might make the situation worse. They are nice guys though, so maybe I should try it.

Thanks so much for your reply, it was really well thought out and made a lot of sense

Thankyou!

Making sense is a new one for me!

Really though, I think it's best to at least start there, and if his friends side with him as much as you think than things are worse than before, if they are doing it because he asked them to or something. That would just show he is in this for himself, for selfish reasons. And I have learned the hard way that someone like that is not someone to go with, hard as it can be. That may not be totally pertinent to your situation yet, but parallels exist for now to justify saying it I think.

 

[Fumbleumble]

Well dear,

All I can say to you is... sit down and READ what you have just written, think of it as coming from someone else and THINK what you would say to them.

The answer is quite evidently in the post itself.

 

[Imp Poster]

He sounds like he needs therapy. Seems like he has issues that make him go on opposite sides of the spectrum. It may stem from not coming from a stable family life? Who knows what his problem is, but his split persona isn't going to help him or be easy to deal with no matter who it is.

On your part, I would set boundaries for him not that it would work on him. When his bad self appears, you should leave and tell him why. When he is his good self, try to be with him and bring up that he is bearable now. Hopefully, he sees there is two opposite sides of him and you want to be with the good one. Next time when he feels he was bad that he needs to buy you a bracelet, don't take it. What you really want is that when he becomes bad, that you want that to change. Because in all actuality, him buying you things make him feel better about himself than it does you, right?

I need advise as to what to do. I'm quite close friends with his sister, so I have trouble asking for advise in "real life" because it's awkward.

Maybe you can ask his sister but not bring up your troubles with him. Ask her if she sees or deals with his mood swings.

 

[Judgement101]

Snip.

2 words: Dump Him! He's seems like a terrible person. If that's how he acts he's probably more trouble than he's worth.

 

[spartan1077]

See the problem is this is an abusive relationship, and the only reason you're staying is because you love him. This is why most abusive relationships last long, and some of the girls end up dead or emotionally dead from them. Please, for your own sake make a pros and cons list of him and DISREGARD LOVE when you do it. Write down personality, appearance and how he treats or talks to you. Then count to three and say what you want to do with him. Don't think about it either, you need to pressure yourself into making a decision so it's the one that is true and from your sub-conscious mind instead of your conscious one.

 

[dmase]

Ultimatum time, I was kind of thinking that doesn't sound but so bad and then the examples you give are kind of like yep a 180 from him or end it.

One thing to keep in mind it isn't always a one way change thats needed. You obviously didn't put any of your faults in the post(except for being too apologetic), not to say there are any but its much easier to convince someone to change for the better when you have something to contribute. A little self reflection and maybe his own input on your behavior is the way to go. Me and my gf have made an agreement to mutually change because the way we've been going about things isn't gonna let us last. That of course is dependent on whether or not you do have something thats not a glimmering personality trait, it could be all him.

 

[BRex21]

To me it sounds like a Bi-polar disorder, it can happen in post traumatic stress situations. He may be putting you down because it makes him feel more in control when he is feeling down. The fact that there may be a reason behind these actions however doesn't excuse them.
I suggest bringing up the idea of therapy and if you don't feel you can stand your ground then walk away and let him think for a few days. If he knows he could lose you because of this he may just be a little more open minded to change.
Keep in mind though that there are a lot of people out there who cant change, you may have to be prepared to accept that he may be one of them.

 

[AkumaFighter]

to people who know me im known for playing the devils advocate, so just to state my position i am not agreeing or disagreeing from your boyfriends behavior *end disclaimer* after reading your post and other comments i think you have a very good baseline from where to start from, expecially the person who commented about his split personality and "leaving" when he goes sour but returning when hes good. now in concept this is good and we can work from it but lets disect it a bit. a relationship should be based off of helping each other when the times are good or bad. now leaving when hes at his worst is helping you eventually it might be possible so get rid of his bad side through this method however on the earlier stage he will probubly be angry with you for just up and leaving. the reason would be he (apperently) cannot tell when he said something or does something that hurts you, but can see it(hopfully) on hindsight. while the time he is angry then leaving would make him worse and if he dosnt realize early on you might give him the wrong impression and worst case scenario he *could* (empahsis on could) break up with you. leaving depending on the situation however might be a good option but you would have to use caution and logic to tell when bu. for a more concret plan i suggest you use guilt as your weapon. ordinarily guilt should not be used to get an expeced or desired result however this is in a different case. you should sit him down and explain to him the cause and effect oh his actions towards you. and reinforce it is NOT in your head, and that neither of you will leave that (table desk etc...) until he understands what he is doing wrong. now this will not solve the problum thats step 2. what you should do is as i said use guilt and when hes in the heat of anger fire it. but in a different way give him questions that are first cannot be answered with yes or no, second the answer is a logical solution that is cannot be argued, and third the question should involve him reflecting on his actions and he should feel pain, or disgust at his actions (aka guilt). now i mentioned that i like that other person comment, they had an amazing idea to not accept gifts however make him understand why your not taking the gift, dont just upright refuse it. its like training an animal, you cant punish it unless it understands whats it being punished for. as for my devils advocate nature another user touched on the subject that something is making him have this duel persona, human emotions and feelings are all governed by the environment/external factors. something made him feel that way you as a girlfriend should help find whats wrong.im not saying he is blamless we all have choice, but the spark that lit the fire is still somewhere there. good luck to you hope you can read this is all^^

 

[Robert632]

You should dump him, as this relationship is about as healthy as a Cancer patient.

[sub] Sorry if that cancer patient analogy offends anyone, but it's the first disease that popped into my head.[/sub]

 

[zombiesinc]

If you read all of that nonsense, I thank you a lot. If you have any idea of what I should do, please tell me.

Breaking up with someone you love is extremely difficult. Most people will procrastinate, or justify their relationship, or say it's all 'okay', when really... it's not. But love is such a powerful emotion that it can steer you towards making decisions based solely on that, and not what's best for you in the long run.

You've listed so many reasons as to why the relationship is no good for you, but the most important one is that he makes you feel worthless. You're not, and you know it. He's randomly insulting you because he's struggling with something himself, or he's just a fucking dick... could be both. The point is, he's not capable of treating you like a human being, let alone someone that he loves and wants to be with.

We both know it's best for you, in every way, to leave him. It'll be so hard, and you'll hurt so much... but you won't be in a position where he can insult you, brush you off, or continue to make you feel worthless. Not to mention this will allow you to move on with your life, and eventually... find someone who will love, appreciate and support you. I know that sounds incredibly corny, and generic, but it's said so often because it's true. What's the point of staying in a relationship that makes you so unhappy? Love isn't enough.

 

[comadorcrack]

I've thought many times about breaking up with him - but I love him. It sounds stupid but I care about him so much and I can't imagine even trying to break up with him.

As soon as yoiu said this I knew exactly what is going to happen. You'll read these comments and may even take a good few to heart, but in the end you'll stay with him, no one here's going to be able to help you :/

Sad really because jsut by saying you've thought of leaving him shows you know what you have to do.

Maybe I'm wrong... I hope I'm wrong, no one who makes you feel that bad can be right for you... buuuuttt....

Well I've seen it all before

 

[Gamegodtre]

By "fighting" I mean he has been saying awful things and I have been crying. I'm not a confrontational person and tend to back away from an argument pretty quickly, and he likes to exploit this.

well thats always a bad sign, a really bad sign.

Last week I went with he and his band on a holiday/tour to Wales. He was drinking, smoking (both things I don't do) and treating me like rubbish the whole trip. He was getting drunk almost every night and started insulting me out of the blue.

this just keeps getting worse.

Sometimes they are little things, for example I recently was accepted into a very good university. The results came out at 12am and I was really excited and went to wake him up and he said (and I quote): "I don't care about your fucking university. Let me sleep".

first thats not little it showing that he doesn't care if you better yourself.

Anyway, so after we got back from Wales we settled things over a bit and he was extremely apologetic. He bought me a £200 bracelet and was being really nice.

this usually is a bad sign, the gift not the apology from all experience a really expensive gift means he feels guilty for something and since 200 euro is around 270 dollars us im guessing its not about what he said, but what he did.

He then replied with "That's ok, there will be heaps of other girls up there anyway".

i think my guess was right...
so if my guess is correct, that 200 euro bracelet was given due to the fact he cheated on you.

I've thought many times about breaking up with him - but I love him. It sounds stupid but I care about him so much and I can't imagine even trying to break up with him.
The times I have brought this up with him and told him how he makes me feel - he either accepts it and completely apologises or he denies it and says its all in my head.

from what your telling me he has the same exact personality that i have when it comes to business deals, in that he will say anything to get what he wants, i hate to say this but he is just using you for his own means and will either toss you aside sooner or later, and most likely not care. when he says it all in your head it really isnt he is just a ass.

You should dump him, as this relationship is about as healthy as a Cancer patient.

[sub] Sorry if that cancer patient analogy offends anyone, but it's the first disease that popped into my head.[/sub]

and thats a good analogy

 

[Megalodon]

Anyway, so after we got back from Wales we settled things over a bit and he was extremely apologetic. He bought me a £200 bracelet and was being really nice.

this usually is a bad sign, the gift not the apology from all experience a really expensive gift means he feels guilty for something and since 200 euro is around 270 dollars us im guessing its not about what he said, but what he did.

He then replied with "That's ok, there will be heaps of other girls up there anyway".

i think my guess was right...
so if my guess is correct, that 200 euro bracelet was given due to the fact he cheated on you.

Just a quick correction, that was 200 British pounds, not Euros. Which is about 312 US. Which I guess reinforces your point.
Otherwise, you're completely correct.

 

[superbatranger]

My mom went through almost the exact same thing you are going through right now. Only difference is it took her almost 20 years to realize she'd be better off without my dad. It may hurt a lot, but leaving him sounds like the only alternative. He might try to say things like he's going to change for the better, but you can't know that for sure. He'd probably just slip back in his old ways. Things could get better, or they could get worse. The way the situation sounds, I wouldn't take my chances.

 

[garfoldsomeoneelse]

Two things I've learned:

A) Being unable to imagine life without someone that hurts you for their pleasure isn't love, it's codependency.

B) If the thought of living without that person is really all that unbearable, I suggest counseling (and I'm not saying that to be mean; a psychiatric professional can deftly help you sort out problems you'd think are too mundane to even mention, and the best part is that they won't let you rationalize your way out of a conclusion you don't want to face).

I don't mean to be callous, but you're complaining of lung cancer while refusing to take the cigarette out of your lips. If you're looking for any answer other than "stop smoking" (ditch the asswipe), I'm afraid you really won't find it from an overwhelming amount of reasonable, logical, rational people (a few, but far from a stampede). Maybe a couple of your friends will make excuses for him and convince you that you just need to be patient/understanding or whatever, but odds are quite good that they're only telling you what any idiot could figure you want to hear. Were I you, I'd bail on that relationship before he sinks it himself (which is still very, very good for you in a roundabout way, but more painful and MUCH more complex than it needs to be) and avoid further contact with him because he clearly knows which buttons to push to keep you hanging on; he's already verbally abusive to you, imagine how bad it'll get if you threaten to take control away from him.

I'm not suggesting that you should treat my words as professional advice or objective truth, but it's all from personal experience, and I'd just as soon say the exact same thing to my absolute closest friend, were they in your situation.